the price of a smile

i felt so out of sorts yesterday (obviously - if you read my previous post). i spent the entire morning and afternoon trying to combat my sadness.. trying to get rid of all the negative feelings in me. but it was useless. i didn't want to attend our prayer meeting that night. i wasn't in the mood. all i wanted to do was to sit still in one corner.. and maybe sleep. but i've learned that there are things that we need to do, even if we do not really feel like doing them. and spending time with the Lord in prayer is on top of that list of "must do's".

bro jun and sis chris vinalay were the worship leaders last night. and i can definitely say that the Lord used them mightily in leading us to a very inspired and moving worship. i really felt myself struggle in my praise last night. it was an act of will just to raise or clap my hands. i desperately hung on to every word, every line of verse that we were singing. i could feel the heaviness in my heart.. yet at the same time i was never more aware of God's insistence that i continue to praise Him. beads of sweat were forming on my brow and face.

i never realized it was so difficult to let go.. until last night, i never fully appreciated what the phrase "letting go" meant. i always thought it was all about calmly trusting God.. offering to Him the people you most cared about. or surrendering to Him your hurts and pains.. and finally being at peace with yourself. but oh, it was so much more than that!

i learned last night that before one can truly let go, one must be like jacob, who wrestled with God.. hanging on tightly, even under so much pain, until He blessed him (gen 32:24-30). to struggle with God.. and with self. to let go involved a conscious effort.. a determination to give up everything to the Lord. to be fully aware of the price of your offering. to come before Him with open eyes and heart; knowing that no matter how precious you think your offering is, He will always be infinitely more precious. letting go meant allowing yourself to be broken - into a thousand tiny pieces, if need be - because only then can you be remade, reshaped and used for His greater glory.

it was indeed a struggle to wrestle with all the distracting thoughts and emotions while worshipping. it was difficult to focus on the Lord and not on myself. but He never gave up on me. all through the worship last night, God consistently prodded me to keep going.. to keep persevering until i receive His blessing. and towards the end of the worship, He did give me what He promised. the heaviness in my heart lifted. and there was peace. but more importantly, i felt the Lord was happy Ü and that was more than enough for me.

it's ironic how God can be so pleased with my worship. i mean, i knew it took so long for me to unburden myself. i am, after all, a very stubborn person. but i suppose all those things do not matter so much to the Lord. in the end, what is important to Him is that i let go and let Him take charge. and He used my stubbornness to help me persevere in worship.

a day's worth of sorting through conflicting emotions.. struggling with negative feelings and painful memories. wrestling with doubts and fears. persevering in praise in the midst of uncertainty and hurt. these were what it took to make God smile at me. was it worth it? oh yes.. most definitely! Ü because there's no feeling in the world that can compare to having the Creator of the Universe beam down at you for doing something He guided you through in the first place Ü