today i wear red

well. in spite of yesterday's brouhaha, i'm quite happy :) excited, even. maybe 'coz it's the first time my happiness survived a beating, hehehe :p

i got a bonus today. literally. zoila from uap called up. said i had an unclaimed check. duh?!? i haven't been there since last summer. hahaha. so i have some extra money right now. great :)

there's always a reason to smile. i just have to be extra good at looking for it. i'm getting better, hehehe. so starting now, i wear red.

falling apart

i hate it when things fall apart.
darnit.
just when i thought i was on a roll.
oh well.
at least things sorted themselves out.
sort of.

not cheshire-like ok?

nice smile from a cute cat, wahahahaha :p
anyway, today i feel like grinning the same way.
nothing extraordinary happening..
except that i'm feeling quite "uppity" hahaha.
oh. and we finished the newsletter early, too.
just another reason to smile and be happy :)
hope the feeling lasts *this time*..

shining through

what does it take to warm an ice-cold heart?
how do you bring light to one that's so deep in darkness?
what would melt one that's turned hard as stone?
how do you bring back to life one that's already dead?
hmmmm.
i don't know.
all i know is that it *can* be done.
i should know.
it happened to me.
thank you.
for letting the love shine through again..

our deepest fear

bro obet cabrillas quoted this to us this morning. if there's one thing that really struck me in this year's recommitment seminar, it would have to be this. and i believe this is the *one thing* the Lord wanted to tell me today.

and right now, i'm happy. i'm at peace. and i feel LOVED :)

aaahhhh. thank You, Lord :)

OUR DEEPEST FEAR

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

x_x

my "unfeeling" episode ended drastically yesterday. and i don't know if i ought to be grateful or not.

it's weird how, when everything gets so chaotic and unbearable, my mind goes on "cruise mode" and just lets me operate as normally and as stoically as possible.

they say still waters run deep. maybe that's true in my case. and only *very few* people see just how deep i can be. and i thank God for those very few people. and i pray for them as well - that they may be blessed with patience, understanding and strength - 'coz heaven knows just how difficult i am to put up with.

i saw red

today i saw red.
thank God for that color.
it just might be my salvation.
oh. and thanks too, soulmate.
i always knew YOU were God-sent.
unlike all the rest of them.
hahahahahahahaha!
i'm stronger than i thought i was.
BRING IT ON!!!!

dead air

i'm sorry. i just CAN'T say it.. :'(

book hunting

i got an email update from national bookstore today so i browsed through their website (www.nationalbookstore.com) to see what interesting books i may find. haha. talk about being a geeky bookworm wahahaha! even online i just *have* to look for good reads. anyway, here are some of the titles that interest me..

FREAKONOMICS by steven levitt & stephen dubner
i dunno.. i guess i kinda need to understand why some things happen.. and how they happen, and so on. it's a book about wanting.. and how to get what you want. hahaha.. so is it any wonder why this interested me?!? :p


FRAGILE THINGS by neil gaiman
the second book of short story collections (the first was smoke & mirrors). well, i'm a neil gaiman freak.. so this needs no further explanation hahaha.


THE LADIES OF GRACE ADIEU by susanna clarke
i got interested when i read the book's description. it's like a dark fantasy thing.. which i'm soooo into right now. fits my mood, i suppose.. so there :p


FOR ONE MORE DAY by mitch albom
i loved 'tuesday with morrie' even though it was such a tear-jerker. i liked 'the five people you meet in heaven' too.. so it's kinda expected that i'd look forward to reading this. after all, it does seem like an interesting read. what would you do if you could spend one more day with a loved one you lost..?

THE WORLD IS FLAT by thomas friedman
ok, so i really have a geeky side. i'm curious by nature hahaha. and i've always been interested in the sciences.. even though recently i've mostly been using my literary/musical side. this looks promising :)


so there. my list of books to hunt down (and save up for!). *sigh* i seriously need to get additional shelf space..

missing me

"standing by my window, list'ning for your call.. seems i really miss you after all.."

weird. that's not even a favorite song of mine, but it's the one playing in my head right now.

lately i've been feeling somewhat.. uhm.. detached. from reality. from feeling. from people. from myself. i don't know why. it's as if i'm a totally different person. and i feel alienated in my own mind.

so what's missing? or who am i missing?

i think i myself am missing..

"and i'll always need you.. and if you ever change your mind, i'd still.. i will.. love you.."

upcat and more

results for UPCAT 2006 is out today! hmm. just when i'm supposed to give a long exam to my fourth year students this morning. hahaha. only 15 went to class. so naturally the test was postponed.

hmm. i don't know how i feel at the moment. about UPCAT. about writing. about the alphabet. about me. it's all so confusing and muddled, really.

and the paranoia? turns out it's just that. paranoia. but it's still there. it's still bothersome. like an itch that you can't get rid of. and the only remedy seems to take so long in coming.

darnit. i need to sleep this off. for a month and a half, at least.

the thing about paranoia

it sneaks up on you
it's uncontrollable
you're not quite sure what's real anymore
it eats you up
you feel helpless
and desperate
it sucks the life out of you
it makes you do stupid things
or devilishly cunning things

hmmm..
is this paranoia..
or a very well-developed
sixth sense..?

i hope it's the former

i'm not a ninja

umm. wait, that's not right. 'coz *i* am not pro at pretending to be a ninja. i'm not even *good* at pretending to be a ninja.

however. i'm *excellent* at pretending. "oh yes, i'm the great pretender.. wooh wooh.." wahahahahaha! :p yeah. i just keep getting better and better. at this.. and at some other things.. wahahahaha! :p

just came home from choir prax today. it's sooooooo hot outside! it just sapped the energy out of me. couldn't even wait for soulmate to get to st paul. had to get out of that darned place to my air conditioned room.

i hate the sun. when will the pouring rain come?!? i'm not happy with the extremely unsatisfactory drizzles that the sky's been trickling down on me these past days. i need a downpour. and soon..

don't be afraid of me.. yet

hahaha. for the past week, i've read four murder mysteries by agatha christie. and i'm on a roll! hahaha. not a killing spree, ok? but it's fun. i've been having the time of my life.. reading the murderous plots. wahahahaha. guess you could say it gives me release. somewhat :p

no need to be scared of me, though. i'm not insane. at least, i don't *think* so.. bwahahaha.. :)

yummy :p

i've been craving marshmallows for more than a month already :p wahahaha. i dunno why, but even before christmas, i've been scouting the groceries for my favorite kraft jet puffed mini mallows (my favorite flavor, by the way, is lime). guess the craving must've come from my looking for that "round & fluffy" gift for kris kringle. i had the darndest time trying to figure out what to give for that, wahahaha :p

well, today i got my wish. it took some time before i actually got it.. but the important thing is i got it. ahahahaha. yup. patience is a virtue. one that i have not yet fully developed.

i got my mallows now. i can't wait for my other wishes to be granted.. wahahaha.. :p

head in the clouds

a day after the healing session at moa and i'm feeling happy. yeah.. my heart's happy. at least, for now. hmm. i don't know if i'll ever be "healed" of my pessimism.. wahahaha.

anyway, i'm glad i finished the newsletter earlier yesterday. dad and i sent the pdf copy through the yahoogroups before we went to moa. good thing we did, too.. otherwise we wouldn't have been able to print the master copy 'coz i got home at almost 2am already.

friend rizi wrote a beautifully honest article. i have to admit.. i admire her courage. hmm. she wrote exactly what i wanted to write but couldn't. and in my style, too. sheesh. mom even thought it was i who wrote it. wahahaha. this is getting really creepy. soulmate, rizi and me. darnit. are we all *too* alike?!? bwahahaha. the answer scares me.. :p

MoA healing

just some pix from fr fernando suarez' healing session held at mall of asia today.
almost 6000 people lined up and waited for hours to get the chance to be healed.
i and my friends went there to serve. i was there from 2pm to 1am.
it was kinda tiring (to say the least!).. but worth it.
definitely worth it.. :)
happy in the meantime..?
i'm keeping my fingers crossed.. :p

snails

it's tough when things come apart.
it's tougher when things come part *everywhere*
it's toughest when things come apart everywhere..
and you want to reach out..
but you don't know how.

no, i don't like snails.
there are probably a thousand other things i don't like.
or stuff i can barely tolerate.
BUT..
nobody said friendship is always smooth sailing.
and if snails are part of the package..
WELL.
i suppose i can learn to tolerate them.
if not like them.
eventually.

she understands.
and snails or no snails..
right now, that's enough for me.

thanx sam

shopping therapy

today after the mass, bespren heids, nans, ellen and i went around cyberzone to look for an mp3 recorder/player for the music ministry. after almost an hour of searching, we finally decided on getting the 1Gb zen v plus. it's not perfect (they certainly can improve the controls.. the joystick's too small and the buttons are not so nice to the touch).. but it'll do. so right now, i have a new gadget to play with, hehehe :p

afterwards, we all went malling for our "shopping therapy" hehehe :p from mango.. to marks & spencer.. to bayo.. to g2000.. to kamiseta.. to terra nova.. we were shopping like crazy, hehe. well, what else should you expect? we were with nancy :p

it was a fun day for me. shopping therapy really works wonders. i have to say.. it may hurt the pocket somewhat; but for those few moments with a trouble-free mind.. it was certainly worth it.

the picture speaks for itself

well.. not really. i don't hate *everybody* - just a couple of people, hahahaha :p

it's been one really loooooong day. i was at st paul from 9am to 5pm. and in those hours, all sorts of not-so-good things happened. hmm. call me bitchy. call me "too easily affected." call me "OA" and overly-sensitive. i don't care. in my current state of mind (and heart), it takes *very little* to make me dangerously close to losing my cool.

on the up side, the omega issue took a back seat. i guess that's something i ought to be thankful for. though frankly, i really don't think it will be shelved for long. damn.

several ways to cope

the day just zipped by. and not because i was having fun or anything. on the contrary, this has been a lousy day. hmp.

woke up late this morning. for some reason, i was soooo tired. and sleepy. it took a huge effort to drag myself out of bed. so i got to school quite late. about 10 minutes late. and my class was kinda unruly. i suppose they noticed i was out of sorts.. and so they responded the way they did. felt like my head was drifting away somewhere far, far from my body..

i decided to go home early. i didn't feel like commuting, anyhow. dad picked me up from school.. then we went to hitop to just buy some snacks. i was really sleepy then so i dozed off a bit.

by the time i woke up, it was time to go to choir prax. i was still kinda tired.. but it didn't bother me so much. until cousin dom said that he couldn't bring the car. right. i couldn't bring mine either. coding. great. so i had to borrow my dad's car - and i don't think he was too happy with the fact that i had to. come to think of it, i don't think he was happy we had to go to prax. go figure. that always seems to happen. sheesh.

traffic was terrible, too. we passed by c5 initially.. but the cars were almost never moving.. so we took a detour and passed by shaw/mandaluyong. ha. not a good idea. we got stuck in traffic there too. sheesh. i was driving. i did not enjoy myself. my only consolation was that i was with cousin doms. he could be a really good conversationalist. especially when it comes to weird topics hahaha.

we got to st paul around 8pm already. i was a bit harassed by then. my legs hurt and my mood was nowhere improved. hmp. i hated the fact that i spent more time on the road than at practice. it just felt weird.

well, i'm home now. and i'm not too happy with that fact either. i don't know whether the folks resent the fact that i am able to drive when we go to practice. i don't know their beef with the choir.. and being the avoider that i am, i hate to be the one to bring that up. so meantime i just play dumb and stick my nose in this fat volume of a book that i borrowed from the library.

it's just one of the ways to cope i guess. a good murder mystery is just what i need right now. that.. and getting away from the house for a couple of hours a day, perhaps. and maybe a little 'water therapy' as well. hmm. i dunno..

oh. and omega looked sooooooooooo scrumptious. damn. this is NOT making my life any easier. not at all..

simple joys

today's simple joys:
1. chatting with friend portia
2. planning committee work with marge
3. keeping in touch with sj
4. being productive with honor roll work
5. roaming around the gateway mall
6. eating out at teriyaki boy
7. no washing the dishes for dinner hehe
8. getting a joke msg from mark
9. receiving a text from jun who's in singapore
10. quiet time-spent folding freshly laundered shirts
11. new quotes courtesy of abi
12. cbox msg from paupau
13. reaching level 2 of yahoo! answers haha
14. friendster update from lils
15. viewing X's newly posted pix
16. finding my old (thought to be) lost comb

and of course..

.. personalizing my customizable starbucks tumbler!!

hahaha. i need to count my small blessings. it's the only way i can keep sane nowadays.

oh.. and i have to thank the (nameless) girl who let her 4 starbucks stickers be credited to me :) you're an angel, whoever you are. thank you for brightening my glum day :)

befriend at your own risk

this picture asks "why so alone?" hmm. why, indeed?
actually, today wasn't such a lonely day. i had a lot of fun and laughs, thanks to my NASAean friends from school (special thanx to apol, jero & paupau.. though really, jero, it's not good manners to bite your friends. really) it's easy to bond with them. probably 'coz they're just about as weird as i am (if not even weirder, hehe.. right, xerox?! :p)

anyway, it's another matter when i'm at church. well, normally i'd have my own set of weird friends there. but lately, it just seems like they're not around so much. mcdreamy's been quiet for the past days; rizi's fussing about her aching tooth; hilda's not much of a talker today; janno's missing; and sam.. well, sam's quite busy, i think (or maybe it's the "connection" that's going haywire. i dunno. i'm having some trouble understanding that part)

so. why am i so alone? maybe it's 'coz i choose to be. and perhaps right now, it's for the best. 'coz at the moment, only those who would like to spend time with a frustrated, impatient "touch-me-and-die" bitch would dare approach me. and for some reason, i don't think there are too many of those kinds of people right now.

tired. really tired

thanx to friend rizi for sending me this really nice gif file.
it's the start of another day.
hmm. somehow i don't find that that thought reassuring..

the ghost in me

"how can i be so callous and yet not care i'm being callous? i want you so much, nothing matters. not guilt or anything like that."


"love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. nothing should be able to do that. especially not love."


the above quotes, courtesy of friend rizi.. who's having a major pain right now - a toothache. hmm. well, i hope she's feeling better. but at least, thanks to her discomfort, we have an additional article for the newsletter.. hahaha. thanx, riz :p

quite frankly, though, i'd rather have the toothache. coupled with a head-splitting migraine and tummy discomfort, if necessary. instead of that soul-hurt thingy. wahahahahaha.

i just loooooove neil gaiman and his sandman series. i'm so totally rose walker hahaha :p

connect the dots

"i know you don't really see my worth. you think you're the last guy on earth. well, i've got news for you. i know i'm not that strong. but it won't take long. 'coz someday, someone's gonna love me the way i wanted you to need me. someday, someone's gonna take your place.."

* * *

today i finished reading the book friend rizi lent me. it's anna gavalda's "i wish someone were waiting for me somewhere".. a collection of short stories. hmm. i enjoyed reading it. i have this thing for short stories. anyway. like i said, i had fun reading the book. i wasn't able to get any additional quotes from it, though. rizi already provided me with the good ones, hehehe..

* * *

the picture above is a shot of the mt. carmel altar in baliuag, bulacan. nice, huh? yep.. i love it. really love it.. :x hmm. i'm just waiting. still waiting..

so close.. so far..

just a picture post for today.
i'm really, really tired.
because of yesterday.
because of today.
and because of so many other reasons i can't say.
i'm slipping. but that's okay.
as long as someone doesn't..
..slip away

the day after

came from our ministry's party today (held in bulacan). it was a combined christmas party and bday celebration. well, it turned out mostly to be a bday tribute to our musical director, bro rannie, who's been a major part of all of us in the ministry :)

i'm too tired to write anything about the party (consecutive sleepless nights do not help much, you know).. so i'm just gonna post the "surprise" article i wrote for bro rannie on the newsletter last wednesday.

Mellow Tunes from a Mellowing Artist

“The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.” (English Proverb)

He’s not exactly a fiddler (and he’s not *that* old), but the quote applies :-) Because in two days, he’s turning a year older.. a year wiser.. a year.. sweeter?! Hehe.. and hopefully, the melody he plays will sound even sweeter. Yup, on Friday, 05 January, our musical director Bro. Rannie Bello will be ** years old.

Ok, so we’re not mentioning his exact age in this column (baka ayaw niya ipaaalam eh). But here are some interesting facts about Bro. Rannie that we’re going to spill:

* His full name is Ronaldo Y. Bello; but most everyone in Rivers calls him Bro. Rannie

* He studied Engineering before pursuing his interest in Music

* He started serving in Rivers in 1994.

* Bro. Rannie does not eat spaghetti; and he avoids mayonnaise like the plague

* He loves inihaw and carinderia food, though :-)

* He drinks.. pero hindi siya nalalasing (nanlalasing lang, hehe.. joke!)

* Bro. Rannie avoids drinking coffee, especially before singing - he says it can cause bad breath :p

* He always reminds us to bring our toothbrush & toothpaste.. and to have mints and chewing gums in our bags :p

* He takes *really* good care of his hands. Hindi niyo ‘yan mapapagbuhat ng mabibigat na bagay!

* He prefers wearing light-colored shirts.

* One of his favorite roles is playing “matchmaker” (ask ‘Bespren Heidi’ at your own risk, hehehe)

* Bro. Rannie frequents Megamall’s Cyberzone before going to the prayer meeting venue

* He always brings his cell phone and his trusty iPod with him wherever he goes :-)

* And here are some of Bro. Rannie’s famous lines,through the years:

1) “Sunod na ulitin niyo ‘yan magwo-walk out na talaga ako. Huwag niyo ‘kong subukan..” - 1997
(this applies to *all* our misdemeanors -walang lyrics/clearbook/recorder, ‘pag late kami o madaldal, etc. etc. scary!!)

2) “Hindi ‘shePHerd’ ang basa diyan! ‘shePerd!’ Silent H! Ang kulit! Sabihin mo nga.. ‘shePerd, shePerd..’” - 1998
(while practicing for a service in Cebu)

3) “Kumain nga kayo ng iodized salt!!” - 1999
(kasi daw mabagal kaming kumuha ng tono.. kailangan tumalino nang kaunti, hehe)

4) “Ano, wala kang papel? ‘Di ba may tshirt ka? Sige, diyan mo isulat ‘yung lyrics mo..” - 2000
(sa isang kawawang member na natataranta kakahanap ng notebook dahil nag-spot check si Bro. Rannie habang nagagalit. Scary pa rin!)

5) “Buhatin niyo naman.. tunog patay eh!”- 2001
(while teaching us vocal techniques)

6) “Konting bilog pa! Masyadong bikaka!” - 2002
(with matching hand gestures and ‘yawning’ demonstrations.. still while teaching us vocal techniques)

7) “Para kayong mga isda..” - 2003
(kapag hindi tama ang lyrics na kinakanta namin)

8) “Alam niyo na’ng gagawin niyo ha..” - 2004
(may kasama pang kindat at ‘killer smile’ hahahaha! inside joke ito sa ministry, para sa mga nag-aabsent dahil nagbabakasyon abroad)

9) “Actually, we don’t like to call it performance.. what we do is service” - 2006
(habang iniinterview siya sa MoA carolling)

10) “For our last song, we would like to greet you ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’..” – Christmas Caroling in Bulacan, 2006
(sabay ngiti dahil na-realize niyang “redundant” ‘yung sinabi niya, hehehe.. peace, bro! glad to know you can laugh at yourself :p)

These are glimpses of Bro. Rannie through the years. And most of us in the music ministry can attest to the fact that he has, indeed, mellowed. Oh, he’s still able to instill fear and trembling in us at times (lalo na kapag may solo/quartet).. but Bro. Rannie has bonded with the group enough to realize that he doesn’t need to shout and be suplado/masungit for us to listen to him. Usually, just one ‘tiger look’ is enough to silence us, hehehe :-)

The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune. And as years go by, Bro. Rannie’s tunes and temperament (sige na nga, pati na rin ‘looks’.. bday mo naman eh, hehehe), just keep getting better :-)

To Bro. Rannie.. we celebrate and rejoice with you on your special day. And we thank the Lord for blessing the community with your talent, dedication, discipline and inspiration. May the years be kind to you.. and may you, in turn, continue to be kind to us, hehehe :-)

Happy, happy birthday, with love from all of us!

... still waiting

"there are times when the weight inside you is heavier than the weight of the whole world outside. there are times when dread falls over you like a great silence, and you are entirely alone. at those times, waking is the worst moment of the day: your eyes are open, you know what lies ahead. there's no way out. here you are again, conscious."

whew. what a day. it's not the way i thought it would be.. but hey, things do not always turn out the way anyone expects.

assez

today is friend carolle's bday.. and since this morning, i've been all hyper and smiling. "at ano naman ang nangyari sa' yo?" quipped my truly jaded friend. "naka-steroids ka ba? you're so perky today it's annoying.." hahahahahahahaha!! spoken like a true cynic, carolle. that's why i love being with you..

anyway, we had lunch at cibo gateway. love their pesto (yep, even with the cream).. though the serving was kinda big for me. thumbs down to the iced tea with mint syrup. their syrup smelled eerily similar to listerine. i'm serious. the red grape shake looked yummy, though.. as well as the bruschetta. by the time we finished our food, carolle and i were *stuffed* haha. i just had to walk all that food off..

too bad we didn't have space in our stomach for the starbucks date. oh well. we'll save it for next time. when you get your pillow thingy from my car hehe :p thanx for lunch again, dudette. happy birthday.. and may you stick to your resolution.. at least for the first month of 2007 :)

* * *

i don't know if it's the january thing.. but i've been acting really weird lately and i couldn't help it. my actions cannot seem to match my feelings. 'coz i've been really hyper and (as carolle puts it) *perky* that even i find myself annoying, wahahaha! hmm. maybe i'm splitting up into my hidden personalities. maybe i'm finally turning loony.

watch and wait..

* * *

as soon as i got home from today's lunch date, i *had* to have my nails done (it's a good stress management technique, as i found out today). not wanting to be pestered by chitchat from the staff, i brought along my book entitled 'a perfect stranger' by roxana robinson. i read the short story, 'assez' (which means "enough" in french).. and i found it to be really sad. so beautifully sad.

here are some quotes from that story..

"you can't keep things as they are, but you can hold things fixed in your memory, and so i still have that evening, although everything was lost, after that"

"i would have given anything to have made that not happen, to have kept him ebbing away from me, but i could not. i did what i could, and it wasn't enough. i couldn't make a current strong enough to draw him to me; he left.."

"it's so strange to think that all that is past, gone, that it's over and can't be reclaimed. but that night in the warm garden, with the dark aromatic countryside all around us, the black starry sky overhead, we were happy. what we had, without realizing it, was enough. it was all we were to have, whether we wanted more or not"

assez. enough. i don't think i can take much more.

happy birthday, dude. glad you are. hope i will be. no matter what.

sweet revenge

for all the heartaches he's caused..
for the rivers of tears cried..
for sleepless nights..
for rising stress levels..
for addled brains and broken dreams..


somebody should give cupid a dose of his own medicine..


"shot through the heart and you're to blame. you give love a bad name.."

i'm learning to love math again hahaha

hahahaha. i found this really *great* website with math/science/nerdy/geeky comic strips that are sooooooooo funny in this sarcastic/ironic way :p check out xkcd's site :p

these here below are my personal favorites hahahahaha :)

prayer for day 1

ok, it's not really a beginning i'm asking for.
more of a continuation, actually.

i found this in a kids' prayer book yesterday. and what an appropriate prayer.
well, 2006 may have ended in tears for me.. but maybe 2007 has something better in store.

i'm keeping my hopes up.. and my fingers crossed.
and i'm still waiting.. ever waiting.. *sigh*