yada yada yada

it has been a while since i visited this place. i have no explanations; and i make no apologies.

i feel like i've changed so much this past year. 2009 didn't exactly bring to fruition all the promises it held when it started. i can't wait to bid this year goodbye.

it says a lot when the only times i am actually able to write something is when i'm so upset i find it hard to breathe..

wholesome video

yes.. this IS a wholesome video hahaha. '
it just depends on how green your mind is.. nyahaha :p

look at me

this video is so cool :p i'm not sure if this was taken during ondoy's havoc-wreaking moments; but it's still kinda freaky hehehe. freaky in a good way for me, at least..

terribly wonderful

i love oxymorons. probably coz i am one, myself (original copy, right xerox?)

i just heard that classes in all levels are suspended until friday this week. hmm. we have ondoy to thank for that. talk about total devastation..

anyway. just posting an entry here coz i need to post something. anything.

oh well..

watch over me

the heavy rains have stopped pouring. ondoy has left the country, at last.. but not before leaving almost the entire metro in shambles.

this morning, though.. the skies opened up. just for a little while. it was enough to make me feel twistedly (and ambivalently) happy.. yet scared.

i'm tired. so very tired.

i don't want to have to keep waiting for the rest of my life. i don't want to settle either.

what a mess.

just watch over me..

the color suits the day

bdays (mine, at least) are not my favorite days. the celebration today was a simple lunch at superbowl with family. here's wcd with me.. fiddling with his camera (while i'm opening a gift from cousin almi).

it's not a bad day. there is, after all, so much to be grateful for (my bdays are notorious for bringing about calamitous typhoons such as milenyo and ondoy). our family was spared from the flood, the traffic and all inconveniences (except for a couple of hours of internet disconnection).

at the risk of sounding ungrateful, though.. today was just as any other day. apart from the disastrous background, this day was unremarkable.

oh. my bday wish? to have an attitude transplant. obviously i'm in dire need of it.

the magic is missing

i miss being able to go out to shop. i mean, REALLY shop. yeah, i know i'm always in megamall. twice a week.. every week.. for the past decade or so. but my "shopping" escapades there are.. well.. i don't consider them actual shopping experiences.

i've always wanted to go to greenhills. to browse clothes.. to look for bargains.. update my wardrobe.. or just plain walk around.

i know what they all say. count your blessings. be grateful for the little things. yeah. i do. i am.

but the magic is missing. i wish i could get it back. i just don't know how :(

playing your cards right

today is.. uhmm.. well, it's too eventful for me to write down a long post :p suffice it to say that i'm glad things turned out a whole lot better than i expected :)

anyway, today i learned that (1) there are moments when it's better to not lay down all your cards on the table; but (2) sometimes it pays to take a gamble :p

i'm uber-tired and feeling woozy with a splitting headache; but today i don't mind. and i don't care.

i still don't like the birth month; but as of now, i find i can more than tolerate it :)

i wonder if i ought to continue being poker-faced..

wake me up...

there are many reasons why i hate september, and here are a few:

1. it signals in the christmas season. and we all know how i HATE that time of the year.

2. it's the month where i (officially) turn a year older. who the hell wants to get older?!

3. it's usually gloomy. oh. and there are no holidays in september.

so i reserved this special rant for today - the first day of september 2009. i thought that as years went by i'd get over my feeling of unease during my birth month. tsk. guess i was wrong. again.

anyway, i was riding the mrt late this afternoon when some stray thoughts wandered into my mind again. i guess i still have a semi-hangover from yesterday's movie. or maybe i'm really just in a morose mood. i dunno. but this supposedly inspirational quote popped into my head: today is a gift. that is why they call it the present. hahahahahaha. yeah right.

i rarely consider any day a gift. especially the present (or whenever it is that my physical body is stuck in). after all, my mind rarely stays in the now. it's either i'm wishing i could go back in time to undo all my stupid mistakes.. or else relive happier times that are no longer possible to bring back. or i'd be looking to the future - extremely paranoid or worried. i am almost never totally here 'coz my mind's always wandering in some different time zone; and i can't catch up.

but sometimes.. a few precious sometimes.. i manage to stay here. now. all too quickly, though.. time's up. and i'm back to my wandering ways.. *sigh*

oh well. still. thanks. i think.

out of time

i "made the most" out of the holiday by doing something i haven't done in a long while. yup. i watched the time traveler's wife this afternoon at gateway mall (with the folks and wcd, hehe). it was.. hmm.. well, i wouldn't say spectacular, because naturally the book is always loads better than the movie version; but it was.. worth watching :)

i'm not a fan of romance/drama, but i really, really loved this story because of its plot. obviously it's about time travel.. but i just loved the way the author wrote it. the narrative is nonlinear and linear at the same time (depends on whose perspective, i suppose). bottom line: the novel is a semi-traditional love story written in a "weird" way. and we all know how i'm instantly drawn to weird stuff.. hehehe.

on a (not so) related note.. there are moments when i feel like i am a chrono-impaired person too. oh, you know.. as if i am not so fully in the present.. or i am not my own age. i don't think i travel through time.. but then again.. who knows?! maybe i do, but i just haven't met myself yet.

then again.. maybe i've met me but i've just been too ashamed of myself to say hello, hahahaha.

WTH!? :p

bwahahahahahahahaha!! yeah, wth and wtf, lol! sheesh.

for lack of anything interesting to share with you guys, i'm posting my latest vanity pix here. haha. i got this beaded headband/necklace/belt and decided to try it out this afternoon when i was uber-bored. so there. hahahaha. lumabas ang pagka-kikay ko, letch.

anyway. i'm missing cousin ems. today's the first sunday that she's not with us after mass since she went to korea. *sigh* oh well. i'd better start thinking of ways to spend my weekends productively.. :)

the quality of my cyberlife is spiraling down the proverbial drain.. hahahaha. HELP!

no end in sight

of the many closed figures (not *polygons* mind you), the circle holds a special place in my cardiod.. er.. heart, i mean. it's perfectly symmetrical, easily constructable and symbolically eternal.

but today, my feeling of ambivalence extends to this special shape.

cycles. wow. they could be quite vicious..

ambivalent

i've been feeling tired a lot lately. at the same time, though, i find it hard to sleep. yeah, i know this isn't news to anyone. still.. for the past weeks, almost everything about me seems to be.. oh, i dunno.. undecided..?!

i've been keeping busy this august. not just with work or my usual activities.. but with new things, too. last august 22 i conducted a review for LET to a few educ graduates. haha.. it was my first time to conduct that kind of review; and admittedly i was nervous. thank god i was able to pull it off quite nicely, haha.

anyway. my mind has been unusually full of conflicting thoughts, of late. at the start of the month, i was really distressed. then paranoid. then angry/upset. then i moved towards cynicism/indifference. and now.. umm.. i am asking myself why i keep doing the things i really don't want to do. it's just plain weird. and kinda stupid.

tomorrow is eagerly anticipated and unwelcome.

madz about babes

it's been a long and tiring day, to say the least. but i had fun. after all, it's been quite some time since i last went out on a 'gimik' with friends. plus, i got to watch a really nice concert too. (click on the title-link to see more pix)

happy to the power 1/2. don't ask me why.

overshadowed

just a picture post for today. i'm tired. damn these stupid hormones - both an excess and a lack. ugh. i don't know who or what to blame for this. the weather? the cycle? the letter? or me?! *sigh* it's mostly me, i guess. always me. grrr.

sorry. now i'm remembering why i decided to stop updating this blog. hahahaha. it sucks to be in this mood (almost) all the time..

lights on

i find it difficult to sleep.. especially when the lights are on. but today i slept with the room light switched on. i had to. i had a nightmare.

yeah, i know. i'm kinda old to be spooked by spooks in my dreams. but sheesh. when you wake up at 2am distinctly hearing this creepy voice in your head (whispering something about cursed unwritten modules).. it's just so hard to go back to sleep again. i know it sounds funny *now*.. but seriously.. that scary, raspy, whispery voice just haunted the sh*t out of me. damn.

so. about those modules. yeah.. i guess they're kinda cursed. i couldn't even start writing. it's like all my creative juices have been sucked out of me. and it's not for any lack of trying. dammit i've been trying for the past months.. but I JUST CAN'T WRITE!!! at least, i couldn't write anything er.. "scholarly". f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!! auuuggggghh!!

i am living a nightmare right now :(

the heimlich maneuver

wow. another week is over. time sure flies fast. i don't really notice the days passing by. soon the "ber months" will be here and then christmas will be just around the corner. *sigh*

well, as before, whenever i want to distract or calm myself, i rummage for a book to read. and this time, i got my hands on palahniuk's novel, choke. haha. interesting read. mainly coz palahniuk is such an interesting author :p and also because the tone of the writing is just so.. hmm.. different. it's not a feel good novel.. but it's not dark or scary either. cool. i think i'm going to add palahniuk to my list of fave writers :)

oh well. time to read again. i certainly need the distraction. at least for the next few days.. *sigh*

reclaiming the lost

i'm feeling the need to look deep inside of me.. to do some *real* soulsearching.. in the attempt to look for my lost GEEKINESS *rotfl*

hahaha. i dunno. it just feels so.. liberating.. to start being geeky/weird again. the past months of near-normalcy has turned me into a bitchy and morose human. ok, ok.. so i exaggerate. i don't think i've ever really been *truly* human. even during recent times :p alien blood still flows through my (so-called) veins. what i mean is.. i intend to turn alien again. then maybe i wouldn't feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.

so. here are a couple of my recent finds from my all-time fave web comic (xkcd, natch!). hope you fellow geeks enjoy this.. :)

a nobody's suicide

thanks to liz for referring me to this.. hahahaha

resurrected

you must be wondering why the picture post is a half-eaten chocolate heart. hmm. i dunno. i'm wondering, too :p

i'm also wondering why the heck i'm updating this blog. i practically killed it a few months back - though to be honest, i actually missed writing down my thoughts here. it's not as if *nothing* has been happening to me. in fact, there've been lots and lots of goings on lately. i just refused to update this blog coz i know how OC i can get about things i start.

mostly i've been wasting my time playing facebook games. grabe, nakakaadik pala ang mga yun!! haha. now, though, i decided to waste my time more privately (thereby giving myself more freedom to rant and rave).. while forcing myself to get my creative juices flowing.

anyway. i'm back. and so is this blog. it's thanks to liz that this one's resurrected from the grave. i didn't really think anyone would notice the lack of updates here - until she told me about it haha. so there. i hope you're happy, lil sis.. it's your fault that i'm back nyahahahaha *evil grin*

i'm actually trying to decide whether i should "backtrack" and post some stuff that's happened in the previous months - if only for posterity. i dunno. maybe i should. sana wag akong tamarin, hehehehe :p

in mourning

today is a nonworking holiday. it's the last (official) day of mourning for the entire nation. today, we say our last farewell to our beloved president, tita cory.

today, too, is a day of mourning for me. yeah, i do have the capacity to grieve, you know. *sigh* but they say that it's healthy to cry for the loss of one that you love. i'm still hoping that there wouldn't be an actual loss.. but i dunno. it certainly feels like it.

i hate what's happening, but there's nothing i can do. if there's one thing i can't stand (apart from not having a shoulder to cry on), it's being forced to face a cold shoulder..

keeping after zouzou

whew! what a day.. XP

i guess i can consider this day 'out of the ordinary.' it was not a very busy one - with a department meeting and a couple of 'article-tweaks' done.

today is not the usual day because (1) i decided to try something different (i.e., breaking routine by NOT attending a choir activity); (2) i went back to school AFTER i went home (hitched a ride with mich & poc); and (3) i went 'semi-malling' with mich and hitched a ride home with her XD

it's a tiring but happy day. and i dunno.. maybe i'm preparing for a different kind of routine that i'm hoping i wouldn't have to get into in the near future. still, i can smile.. uh.. sort of, haha.

now it's time to rest.. XP i'm missing you a bit. and i don't know if that's a good thing or not..

*smooch*

i always wanted to get a big kiss *smile* more than that, though, i really wanted to give one, hahaha!

today's ash wednesday. i'd have to say, though.. i was kinda distracted today. i sort of forgot about it, honestly.. hehe. oh well.. i guess that's really how things go..

at any rate.. i can still smile today :D thanx.. though next time, i wish it would get more literal.. ;-)

zarina

for the past 40 hours or so, i've been playing games on facebook. sheesh. i knew it. everytime i join one of those online social networks, the OC in me gets me hooked. hahaha. so i ended up playing mafia wars, dragon wars and vampires.

i don't know what i get out of playing the games. aside from wasting my time, that is. i did, however, get to finish writing down the minutes to last week's execom meeting this afternoon - mostly thanks to about an hour's worth of playing those three games online. haha. some motivation, huh?

oh well. i'm starting to not feel so well :( i think i'm going to rest early today (haha.. yeah right!) tomorrow's another long day. *sigh* i hope it'll be a good one..

start pretending

every sunday, i try to wake up early to catch bo sanchez' talk over abc5 (it starts at around 6am, i think.. but i never catch the start since i'm usually way too sleepy to wake up at that time).

yesterday's topic was about how to become the person you want to be (or something like that). bo said that if you want to be a loving person, for example, then you have to act as if you already were. that is, you'll pretend to be the kind of person you want to be.

he goes on to say that if you do this, pretty soon, you will no longer have to pretend. your mind/body would have gotten used to "pretending" so that you will actually be a loving person. (did you actually understand what i wrote? sheesh. bo said it a lot better than i did.. sorry)

needless to say, his talk made me think through a lot of stuff in my head. not all of which are good (my head contains mostly er.. "un-good" stuff, hahaha)

so i'm embarking on a new project, starting today. i just don't know if i'd be able to pull it off.. but hey, it's worth a try. anything would be worth it, if i could just be successful at this.. how i wish i were her.. :(

caving in

ok, ok.. so i caved. sheesh..

i don't know WHY i bothered to sign up for a facebook account. it's not as if i initially planned to update regularly (see what happened to my friendster account that's been dormant for god knows how long). i don't have lots of time to spare for yet another online social network. updating this blog takes up a lot of my time already.

so WHY did i cave in?

i dunno. maybe i just need to be in touch with people (or not-so-people people) again.

damn. my antisocial tendencies are starting to ruin my life XP as well as other unmentionable tendencies.. *sigh*

what a credo

i had one of those not-so-terrific days again today. maybe it's because of yesterday's "fiasco".. or maybe it's because of hormones again. still, this day sucks. and the only thing that saved it was a pair of shoes.

after i made my mom flare up due to my bitchy attitude, dad brought us to gateway to go malling. which just goes to show that shopping therapy really works for women. yup.. it can cool heads and make women (even moms) forget their squabbles. it's costly.. but hey.. the release from stress is definitely worth it.

am i proud? hmm. i dunno.. 'coz in truth, bitch + submissive SO = zarina

how i wish..

but it seems i can't.. *sigh*

there isn't much i'm able to do nowadays. sheesh. this isn't good for the self-esteem, you know. i feel quite.. useless. hmp.

anyway, this afternoon, i craved something sweet.. so i went to shoppersville to buy chocolate ice cream (actually, i went there to buy the 'eucalyptus-scented kleenex' when the craving set in). i suddenly remembered this quote sam sent a couple of months back:

am i still in the child's world where candy stands for something sweet enough to hold back tears? (v.c. andrews)


well. the ice cream helped some, i think. and so did the sleep!!! sheesh! hahaha. as soon as i got home, i hit the sack and slept for what.. more than 2 hours?! i skipped prax 'coz i felt so tired. waah.

i think i'm going to get even more sleep. hahaha. this is going to make me FAT.. XP i really wish you'd get back to your 'normal' happy self when you're with me.. even if you're just pretending..

dare (the) devil

i don't think anyone would mistake me for a risk-taker.. much less a daredevil (is there a 'female' term for this?!) well, neither would i.

but as i always tell my geom class, "do not trust the figure," i ought to say "do not trust your senses."

i find that lately, i am often wrong in how i assess myself. hmm. i guess in spite of the increased solitude, i do not know myself anymore.

some risks are just not worth taking.. so why the hell do i keep on taking them with you?! :(

blowin' in the wind

maybe because it's fun..?

or maybe people don't really intend to hurt each other. they just couldn't help themselves. *sigh* i'd like to think there's no malice in it. still.. one never knows..

today i had a post-vday coffee date with mama smurf (whose name is an oxymoron, when you think about it). it felt good to be in her company again. but i think my glum mood got in the way (or perhaps it was the 'donut distraction'.. i dunno). by the time i got to the prayer meeting venue, i was so frazzled. hmm. not much new there, anyway.

i still don't know the answer.. but i suppose it doesn't really matter. robot or alien, one still has to find ways to deal with the facts. i just wish there were a better way.. *sigh* is it too presumptuous of me to think you do this on purpose..? :'(

teardrops on no guitar

_____ walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?

And there he goes, so perfectly,

The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love

Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause..

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

currently listening to taylor swift's teardrops on my guitar on my celphone right now. it's the first time i heard it, but i liked the words immediately.. so i googled the lyrics and posted them here XP

i couldn't find a suitable pic, though.. and i find myself wishing that i knew how to draw the images in my head. tsk.

oh. and i also find myself wishing i had a guitar (and that i knew how to play, of course). then i could try my hand at writing sappy songs like this, too. hahaha.

at least maybe that would help me get to sleep. zzz.. you're the reason for the teardrops. and the smiles too. :x

indifferently silent

hmmm. there's nothing else i can add to this cartoon, is there? it's pretty self explanatory..

***

this day's pretty tiring. weird.. considering the fact that i didn't really do anything much. but then again, maybe it's not that surprising. after what's happened today (or rather, what's *not* happened), i kinda expected to be really, really tired.. :(

funny how even the girl in the cartoon looks like me. hahahahaha. this sucks. this really sucks X_x i'm missing you terribly.. X_x

puzzled

okay, here's an old puzzle cited in the book i mentioned a couple of posts back. maybe you'd like to try answering it..

you are given 12 coins. they all have the same weight, except for one, which may be either lighter or heavier than the rest. you have to find out which coin is different, and whether it is light or heavy, using at most three weighings on a pair of scales. the scales have no graduations for weights; they just have two pans, and you can tell whether they are in balance, or the heavier one has gone down and the lighter one has gone up.

anyway, it's a puzzle, all right XP the solution in the book is given here below. good luck in figuring it out, hehehehe:

F set the coins out in a row
And chalked on each a letter, so,
To form the words, 'F AM NOT LICKED'
(An idea in his brain had clicked.)
And now his mother he'll enjoin:
MA DO LIKE
ME TO FIND
FAKE COIN

cool, huh? XP

oh well. this book sure was a good buy. it's an effective distraction. *sigh* i love puzzles. but really.. why do you keep confusing me this way..?! what did i do this time..? :(

an unexpected valentine

hmmm. this day of hearts sure is starting out weird. happily weird, that is XP

early this morning (hmm.. 12:34am..?) i received an unexpected valentine greeting that really made me smile.

when i woke up, i got a deluge of greetings from people i haven't heard from in a looooong time. that made me smile again.

i got up from bed to find that our hired help was here to clean up last week's mess.. even though it's vday. obviously that made me smile too.

and then i read friend alexis' message in the chatbox.. along with a link to descartes' letter. and i saw this 'gift' from him.

wow. what can i say..?! my first valentine heart for the day. and it came from a rabbit. my imaginary pet rabbit.

thanx, descartes. i take back all the lousy things i said about you before.. hahaha XP

i know you're not the sweet, snuggly type.. but just the same.. here's a hug of thanks from me to you.. *hug* (that goes for you, too, obviously.. XP ily)

geeky + romantic = sierpinski

.. tomorrow XP

yeah i know. it's a day before valentine's day. but everyone else seems to be in 'valentine' mode today. sheesh. surprisingly though, i'm not too affected. i mean.. i don't feel sappy, nor do i feel bitter (naks!). i'm just.. hmm.. er.. amused..?! hehehe..

i was actually planning to celebrate today. because it's friday the 13th. and that is one of my favorite er.. days (not 'occasion' or 'holiday' because it's neither). i was supposed to go hunting for black cats, leaning ladders and broken mirrors. or, alternatively, four-leafed clovers and rabbits' feet (obviously for luck). but i never got 'round to it because the valentine spirit was so pervasive. oh. and i had my geeky book, too. so combining the effects of those two.. i forgot to celebrate my happy friday the 13th day XP

and it seems as if there won't be any saturday the 14th celebration either.. (awww)

oh well. there's always tomorrow. and the next day. and the next.. hehehe :D i can't wait for a "post" celebration. sorry i can't make it tomorrow. next time, though.. *hug*

finding my inner geek

ok wait. so this entry's title isn't really that accurate. my so-called 'inner' geek isn't exactly all that hidden, after all XP

the original plan for the day was for me to watch "yes man" with house guest em and my parents. but, due to some unforeseen circumstances, we weren't able to push through with that. so in the end, it was only em and i who went to gateway mall to kill time XP

we didn't get to watch any movie anymore because we found ourselves wandering through the mall's fully booked shop :D (that is, after she ooh'ed and aah'ed at the clipper store hehehe)

so i ended up with this er.. wonderfully geeky book by ian stewart. it's kinda pricey.. but then again, considering that i haven't bought any geeky math book in years.. i think it's worth it :D

i can't wait to read and re-read this. hahaha. i'm so happy i'm finally getting in touch with my weird/nerdy/geeky side again! XD it's just too bad you didn't push through with YOUR plan. tsk. bakit naman kasi ang layu-layo mo..?!

luscious

raspberry is my new strawberry :D hahaha..

i've always been partial to "berries" ever since i was a kid. last month, when i was shopping for friend carolle's xmas/bday gift at body shop, i saw the raspberry body butter.. and i loved it! XD it smelled wonderfully luscious :D

today i *finally* got my own body butter! wheeee!! and this one's special, of course. it's uhm.. one of a kind, hahaha!! sheesh.. ang babaw talaga ng kaligayahan ko.. but really.. thanx for it.. (smile)

haburdei maykol

haha. masaya lang ang araw na 'to. haburdei maykol!

yummy

today cousin em sleeps over at our house. wheeee!! hahaha. no, this isn't some kind of "slumber party" - it's just a 2- or 3-day sleepover. kinda like a 'vacation' for my poor, poor cousin.. hehehe.. and a 'break' for me. a break from my solitude, that is.. :p

anyway, i wasn't expecting it, but i did have a great day today. hahahaha. in spite of the busyness of this week (grades are due on fri!! rawr!), i find that i'm not *too* stressed out XP thanx to my being able to catch up on zzz's hehehe :)

i'm certainly going to need the energy, if only to keep up with em.. hehehe XP i wonder what i did right tonight, for you to send me that message.. *smile* hahaha. i must really be getting good at this.. :)

out of the labyrinth

happy mandaluyong day!

i never thought the occasion would prove significant to me at any point in my life.. but it has. today, it damned well proved *very* significant. sheesh.

i am feeling a mix of gratefulness, frustration, disappointment and surrealism. at the moment, there simply are not enough words. not enough words at all.

the universe is mocking me. definitely mocking me. damn. it's weird how i remembered *that* particular place. wow. talk about selective memory..