too bad

but if only i could.. :'(

i don't wanna wait

i don't understand you. though God knows i've tried to. is it that you're extremely busy? do you have something against me? am i too boring.. too needy.. too clingy.. too whiny? or are you just being intentionally dense/uncaring?

i thought you were special. you still are, to me. but i was hoping i'd be more than just a convenient fallback. more than just someone to laugh with. but during the times i needed you most, you left me hanging out in the cold.

and you have the nerve to show up right now. in this way. how dare you.

i waited for a long time. but my patience ran out before you came back. today is *not* a good time.

house is right. in more ways than one.

i don't want to believe peyton

this picture is creepy.
i don't like it.
i'm feeling creepy today too.
and i don't like it either.
but i can't shake it.
i even unwittingly spread it.
my 6th sense is screaming.
i don't want to listen to it.
but i can't shut it out.
damn.
why, oh why..?!
i still don't think peyton is right.
not everyone does..

kill time

that's what i want to do. literally. hahahaha.

call me a murderous b*tch.. but it's true. time is probably one of my worst enemies right now. i can't catch it.. can't stop it.. can't make it yield to me.. and yet i just can't get enough of it. the more it eludes me, the more i keep wanting to capture it. the more it ignores my calls for it to stop and turn to look back at me, the more it mocks me and forces me to run after it.

the one thing i desperately need right now is killing me.

and i can't do a thing to even touch it.

the similarities are unbelievable. damn.

burn, baby burn..

oh well. it's been one long sunday. all in all, i suppose the day's been good.

it's tita vix's bday so she treated us (along with her friends/relatives) to lunch at senju restaurant located at the 2nd floor of shangrila hotel edsa. the food was really good. and there was *lots* of it!! i was sooo stuffed i literally could not take another bite.. even though i so desperately wanted to eat some of that tasty green tea cheesecake :(

mom got her starbucks diary/organizer today. we were able to complete our 2nd promo card this afternoon. yay! :)

then tonight, dad mom and i went to chocolate kiss to meet up with some of the 69ers (dad's old HS batchmates hehe). it was some sort of send-off gathering for one of their classmates. hehe. i love hanging out with their group. they're really fun to talk to. and i'm at home with them. they're an interesting bunch of people. and in spite of the age difference, i do not feel stressed or ill at ease when i'm around them :)

well, that's about it. it's been a relatively relaxing day for me. i almost did not think about my missing the GSS. almost.

somehow, the day's events just could not drench that fire. darnit.

that disturbingly quiet calm

"shot through the heart and you're to blame.. you give love a bad name "

this past week has been W-E-I-R-D. it's been a series of unfortunate events. sunday and monday of silence.. tuesday when my car broke down (with that matching traffic i caused at C5 and the towtruck adventrue).. wednesday when i lost half my soul (i think.. i dunno.. i don't want to dwell on this too much).. dad's thursday challenge.. and yesterday's deja vu trip to the ER. sheesh.

i just went home right now to update my blog and to freshen up a bit. dad's still at the hospital.. he's actually quite fine (all tests are normal); but nobody could yet explain his intermittent dizzy spells. hmm. might be fatigue or stress. i dunno.

i'm not that harassed, actually. i'm feeling quite calm. but it's that weird kind of calm. the disturbingly quiet solitude you feel when you're in denial. he gave me a lot of things to think about that i don't want to. not one at a time. and definitely not all at once.

i'm gonna need the full range of the alphabet to face up to the challenge. but right now, the most important letters have gone hiding. darnit.

neverland

i don't want to grow up
i just want time to stop
i don't want responsibilities
i don't want pain
i just want to fly
i just want to be free
from everything that hurts
i need to find my neverland
too bad it's only in my dreams..

this is me

got this pic from cj's friendster page.
how timely.. :(

the girl sure looks sad.
the empty swing beside her looks even sadder :(

only a couple of days ago, i thought z was the first letter of the alphabet.
now i'm not so sure.
i think i learned my alphabet the hard way.. :(

i hope the swing won't be empty for long..

watch what you say..

i did something stupid today. er.. last night, i mean. guess i wasn't thinking straight. or rather, i wasn't thinking at all. it was a *really* confusing day for me. and i don't want to go into the details anymore. suffice it to say that i was stupid.

it's freaky how what i think/say usually comes true. sheesh.

if there were an appropriate peace offering to give, i would have given it already. unfortunately, i don't know what that would be.

this really sucks.

please

what else is there to say?
please.. just take it.. :'(

fading like a flower

flowers. fragrant. fragile. fading. falling. folding. flowing. flimsy.

i like this picture.
i went to a nice bday party tonight.
i saw lots of old friends.
people i haven't seen in ages.
i made some new friends too.
it was a heartwarming celebration.
it was heartbreaking too.
i had a lot of fun.
i felt a bit confused.
and i don't know why.

i really like this picture.

whisper to a scream

Birds Fly (Whisper To A Scream)
Icicle Works

Love comes, down upon us
Till you flow like water
Burning, with the hope of insight
Feathered, look they're covered
with a bright elation,
Stolen, in the sight of love

We are, we are,
We are but your children,
Finding our way around indecision,
We are, we are
We are ever helpless,
Take us forever,
A whisper to a scream

Birds fly, in the eye
of the faithless daughter,
Broken, at the bitter end
Wasted, sacrificed for a new Nirvana
Night time, sends us on our way

A whisper to a scream

* * *

from whispers to muffled screams. it doesn't take much to turn joy into pain.

then again.. there are joys that can be had only through extreme pain.

i just realized.. of all sounds, silent screams are the loudest..

all things jelly

it's been a really colorful day for me.
jelly beans.. jelly beans.. i really love jelly beans.. hahahahahaha!! :p
oh.. and i like jellyfish, strawberry jelly, jelly flipflops,
jelly watches and jelly bags, among other things, bwahahaha!!
well. i survived the afternoon.
i'm extremely tired. but happy.
i love this jelly-filled day :p

silence is [not] easy

Born Again
Starsailor

But for the grace of God, she cries herself to sleep
Because the grace of God is something she can't keep
Oh, it won't be long
Before their hold is broken
No, it won't be long
Until we find our home.

It's for the good of you I write sweet melodies
They'll cast the first stone when the last one's out of reach
Oh, it won't be long
Before their hold is broken
No, it won't be long
Until we've found our home.

Forget where to begin
Mother, I have not sinned
I have not sinned

But for the grace of God, she cries herself to sleep
But now the grace of God's the reason why she weeps
Oh, it won't be long
Before their hold is broken
No, it won't be long
Until we find our home.

When summer comes
Light my life
Snow will melt away
[Repeat]

I was born again, I was born again
Not into the world they put me in
She was born again, she was born again
Not into the world they put her in
[Repeat]

The hope and the spirit
I'd rather not feel it
The hope and the spirit
I'd rather not fear it

* * *

heard this song over the radio yesterday morning.. and it sort of got me interested in starsailor :p i have to admit.. i don't really get the lyrics so much; but it's a very "singable" song and the melody is so simple. easy-listening. just the kind of song i need to accompany me during moments of "silence" hahaha..

sssshhhh...

well, this may be true.. but i still don't like silence so much. oh, i can sort of tolerate it a bit more now; but i would rather not have to listen to it all that often (and certainly not for such a long period of time). i try to avoid it as much as i can. in fact, i literally sleep with my Zen (hahaha.. "fun intended"! wahahaha!) just so i have something to listen to as i drift off to dreamland..

oh well.. i suppose i'd just have to learn to live with this.. :p

the titles say it all..

this painting by elly wright really caught my attention (click here to view the site). it's not the picture, but its *title* that made me do a doubletake, hahahaha :p

anyway, these other paintings are more to my liking. there's no need to wonder why, hehehe. they are just so.. appropriate :p i could stare at them forever.. hahahahaha..

happy burning

hahahaha. got this from the zedge network. at first i thought it was an inspirational or motivational quote. i had quite a laugh when i zoomed in and read the text, though, hahaha :p

today is cousin trishia's birthday. it's also ate nene's birthday. and she's in the hospital right now. besp heids and i dropped in on her this afternoon to give her a "cheer up" bday cake (not that she needs much cheering up - she's still so bubbly & sunshiny, given her current state). nancy, precy, mhel, liza and ran also came over with pancit. we ate at the hospital room.. and in spite of the uh.. "antiseptic" surroundings, it was fun, hehehe :p

prax tonight was ok. we studied "the christmas song" (you know.. that whole "chestnuts roasting on an open fire.." thing). it wasn't really difficult to learn. i'm quite excited to study new songs, hehe. i hear we're gonna start with our carolling soon.

thankfully not this saturday, though. i have other plans for that day..

word for the day

it is sooooooo hot outside! good thing my class is only 'til 9.30am. now i'm back home with the a/c on full blast.

singed roses. yup. kinda appropriate too. just singed, though. not burnt. not wilted.

there's a big difference, you know..

...

this isn't me.

or rather.. i don't *think* this is me.

but it's a really pretty picture.

really sad. but really pretty.

hmmm.

not much to say right now.

i'm still waiting.

why?

poor angel.. i wonder why she's so sad.

hmm. well, no, i'm not really wondering.

this could be me, instead.

or my guardian angel.

whatever.

what an appropriate picture..

literally

naked
avril lavigne

i wake up in the morning
put on my face
the one that's gonna get me
through another day
doesn't really matter
how i feel inside
this life is like a game sometimes

then you came around me
the walls just disappeared
nothing to surround me
keep me from my fears
i'm unprotected
see how i've opened up
you've made me trust

chorus:
coz i've never felt like this before
i'm naked around you
does it show?
you see right through me
and i can't hide
i'm naked around you
and it feels so right

i'm trying to remember
why i was afraid
to be myself
and let the covers fall away
guess i never had someone like you
to help me fit in my skin

i'm naked around you
does it show
i'm naked around you
i'm so naked around you and i can't hide
you're gonna see right through baby

on temptation

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”

* * *

what would you do if the devil showed up at your doorstep and offered you a wager?

today i read "the devil & miss prym." it's a much lighter read than coelho's other books. which is not to say, however, that its message is of less significance. actually, i found this novel so full of deep, heavy stuff to think about. through this book, coelho demonstrates that he knows the depths of the human mind (heart & soul, too i guess) really well.

this is not only a book about temptation. it's also about finding meaning in life.. making important choices.. and having hope in the midst of struggles.

i'd say this book is a must-read :) thanx, besp lils, for lending me your copy. i'm sure i'm going to get my own..

i love you but i've chosen darkness

City of Devils
Yellowcard

Man once sang to me
Look at you saving the world on your own
And I wonder how things gonna be
'Cause the time here it passes so slow

In a city of devils we live
A city of devils we live

Find somebody to learn
Boy you gotta love someone more than yourself
I can feel the fire of the city lights burn
It's hard to find angels in hell

Flying along, and I
Feel like I don't belong and I,
Can't tell right from the wrong, why,
Have I been here so long

In a city of devils we live
A city of devils we live

Questions I can't seem to find
To the answers I already have
And you can't see the sky here at night
So I guess I can't make my way back

What if I wanted you here right now
Would you fall in the fire burn me down
If I wanted you here right now
Would you fall in the fire burn me down
If I wanted you here right now...

In a city of devils we live
In a city of devils we live
A city of devils we live
In a city of...

I don't belong
Don't belong
I've been here too long
Too long..

* * *

i just finished watching episode 5 of OTH season 4. hmm. creepy. and weird. well, i guess that's pretty obvious from its title (same as this post's title). but i liked that episode. as well as the song they featured.. city of devils.

i wonder how this season's gonna turn out..

rant & rave

this has been a *totally* harassing day. first day of school for the second sem and i'm all stressed out. it's not really my classes or my students that made me feel so bitchy this evening (actually, i kinda like my 2nd year students, haha. hope they stay "nice & sweet" for the remainder of the sem :p) rather, it's the extra work i was tasked to do for tomorrow.

i normally don't shy away from stuff assigned to me. and usually i'm glad to be able to help out.. even if it's no longer part of my duties. it's just that this time, it was so stressful for me. it's not that i *couldn't* do what was asked of me; but i have sooooo many other things to do! and they just seem soooooo demanding. everything just *has* to be done their way. even if it means i'd have a more difficult time complying. even if it means it would take up more of my time and energy. sheesh. i may be sounding whiny and selfish.. but heck! nobody seems to be considering *my* difficulties in the matter.

hence the bitching.

i've let off most of the steam. most of it. i gotta sleep this one off.

dreaming of mcdreamy

meredith: you are a great guy. you are a wonderful guy. and you may even be the better guy..

fynn: but he's the one..?

meredith: and i wish he wasn't!

fynn: he's gonna hurt you again.. (meredith nods).. and when he does, i won't be here.."


was able to watch the first 5 episodes of grey's anatomy (season 3) today when i got home. *sigh* derek is such a jerk.. but he's also truly mcdreamy..

hmmmm. i wonder why i'm always so drawn to the jerky characters..?!

i can't wait for the entire season. i wish they'd come out with a book of "grey quotes." i especially loooooove episode 5.. :p

the great procrastinator

it's been a dizzying 38 hours. yup. i meant 38 hours. since 9am yesterday i've been up to my head in to-do stuff. everything just piled up - grades to compute, scores to encode, talks/songs to record, .wav files to convert to .mp3, script to write, directory to format/print, etc. etc. waaaaahhh!!

ok, ok. it is my fault, really. i mean, *i am the great procrastinator* i can never find the motivation to do anything early enough. i *always* postpone the things i need to do. i don't know why. lack of discipline, i suppose. i know it's wrong.. and i hate it. and yet.. i keep doing it. sheesh.

case in point. i tried to layout the newsletter a couple of days earlier than i usually do. well, i was able to start it. then i just left it after a while. nawalan ako ng ganang ituloy siya. same with my checking papers. *sigh* this is sooooo pathetic. and now, everything's all piled up.. and i had a really dizzy day.

thank goodness i was able to finish everything.

well, *almost* everything. bahala na sila kundi ko matapos ang pinapagawa nila. last minute din silang mag-utos e. at di ko naman talaga trabaho 'yun. napakiusapan lang naman ako. *sigh* i'm feeling really bitchy right now.

a bitchy procrastinator. hahaha. i don't know how i'm ever gonna stop this nasty habit. sheesh.

flightless

Broken Wings
Mr. Mister

Baby I don't understand
Why we can't just hold on
To each other's hands
This time will be the last
I fear unless I make it all so clear
I need you so

Chorus:
Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again
And learn to live so free
And when we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up
And let us in

Baby I think tonight
We can take what was wrong
And make it right
I need you so
Baby it's all I know
That you're half of the flesh
And blood makes me whole
I need you so

* * *

what happens if an angel loses its wings? will it hurt? will the wings grow back? or will the angel plummet down to earth.. never to see the heavens again?

"i gave him my wings. now i can no longer fly.. while he soars up to the heavens where i used to dwell - the heavens that i can now reach only when he takes me there.." :'(

rainwish

'i'm gonna send a little rain to pour down on you
rain that makes the flowers bloom
rain to leave you all alone
but keep eyelashes falling
and wishes washed away.'
(jack's mannequin)

soulmate posted this for me at my friendster account.

oh yeah, i need a little rain to pour down on me right now.
rain that makes my smile bloom
rain to be with me when i'm alone..
to keep my heart falling..
my tears, wash away..
and my wishes granted.. :'(

i become my avatar

hahaha. i'm a long way from getting the vampy figure.. but yeah, my YM avatar certainly becomes me. including the black cat and the cauldron :p i don't know about the fiery pit though (i hate heat, after all).. hahaha.

this is so post-halloween, but if i were a witch, i'd have to think of a really nice spell to cast. hmm. i can't think of anything right now, though. i'll get back to this post when i have one hahahaha

moonbeam wish

Meet Me At My Window
Jack's Mannequin

Meet me at my window
At my window
I could use a hero right now
You could use someone to save
Someone like me
Someone who's not brave
Someone who's not free
Meet me at my window

With the darkness, cometing down
I could use your saving now
Meet me at my window
Meet me at my window
I will wait for you there
I will talk to you, no
When there's no one around

Come on, you could change me
You could steal me
You could turn all the lights on
And show me the real me
Then maybe, if I'm lucky
You'll offer me protection
You could even heal me
Just meet me at my window

With the darkness cometing down
I could use your saving now
Meet me at my window
Meet me at my window
I will wait for you there
I will talk to you, no
When there's no one around

So meet me at my
Meet me at my window
At my window
Meet me at my window
My window, right now

With the darkness, cometing down
I could use your saving now
Meet me at my window
Meet me at my window
I will wait for you there
I will talk to you, no
When there's no one, no one around
When there's no one, no one around
When there's no one, no one
When there's no one, around

* * *

soulmate says jack's mannequin has a lot of good lyrics. i tried to search some of their songs and so far, this was what i liked best. hmm.

it's no surprise, this wish of mine. i've been changed but i'm still the same. it may sound weird, but it's true. one step at a time, girl.. to who you're supposed to be..