vertigo

another summer "vacation" is coming to an end. normally, i'd be extremely bummed about that. right now, though, i don't mind it so much. not because i'm excited to go back to work (hahahahahahaha... yeah, right!). it's just that this is probably the worst summer i've ever had.

why, you ask? quite frankly, i don't know. there's just this overwhelming sense of everything zipping by at breakneck speed.. even though you're just standing still. it's as if day in, day out, everything's the same.. but totally unfamiliar. same faces and names.. but somehow, entirely different people. there's a dizzying and disorienting confusion that you just can't shake off - although you try to stand still and close your eyes to block out the madness. you take a stab at doing everything you're supposed to do.. and everything spirals out of control. vertigo.

doctors usually give cinnarizine to combat vertigo. how i wish there were a similar pill for handling life's chaos.

my favorite things (and activities hehe)

lest people think i'm always down in the dumps and feeling sad, i'm posting some of the stuff that make me smile (note the happy care bear picture - for those who don't know.. that's "sunshine bear". she's cute.. though personally, i prefer rain to sunshine.. but that's another story)



a list of things that make me smile (not arranged in any particular order)
1. big, shady trees along the academic oval of UP diliman
2. soft rain.. especially when i'm walking around the UP campus
3. solving crossword puzzles
4. reading books (can't wait for HP6.. though i'd read anything from douglas adams' hitchhiker 'trilogy'.. to math books and logic puzzles.. to inspirational stories, etc.)
5. texting my friends (though i don't like it when they're feeling down but can't text coz they're out of load)
6. singing a nice song
7. talking to my playmates (hahaha... have a bunch of kiddie playmates - see my post, 'mikee & me')
8. playing 'bookworm" and other games on my pc
9. watering the plants in the garden (and basically, doing other chores that involve lots of water, hehehehhe)
10. window shopping (and looking for new, unusual stuff)
11. writing poems and writing letters to friends
12. getting letter from friends
13. watching cartoons (jimmy neutron! spongebob! wahahahaha)
14. CSI!! (hehe... self explanatory)
15. spending time with my honey <3 Ü
16. being with family, friends and loved ones <3
17. driving or walking around aimlessly around the campus
18. chatting with friends (not just online.. i mean *actual* chatting)
19. eating out at a nice cafe / restaurant
20. spending a couple of days in a hotel (i like bathtubs, goose-down pillows, etc Ü)
21. talking about logic, math, etc. with others, hehe
22. flowers!!! (roses, tulips, etc.. i just looooove them all hehe)
23. posting things in my blog hehe
24. nice-smelling soaps, colognes, lotions, etc. Ü
25. ice cream and desserts!
26. weird, wacky, unique people - most of my friends are, anyway hehe Ü
27. friendster testimonials and messages (wahahahahahahhaha)
28. stationery items (scissors, papers, etc. - especially *small* ones hehe)
29. talking with my dad (about anything & everything under the sun)
30. bright colors (not on clothes, really.. but elsewhere)
31. talking to myself (not in public, though hehehe)
32. daydreaming Ü
33. freshly-ironed clothes (as long as i don't do the ironing haha!)
34. shows on discovery channel and lifestyle network
35. rainbows
36. butterflies (especially the colorful ones)
37. birds that are not in cages
38. starbucks, coffee bean & tea leaf, gloria jeans.. anywhere i can get a cool drink Ü
39. chicken!!!! hotdog!!! hehehehe... Ü
40. fruits.. especially strawberries, mango, etc... yum!
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.
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and the list goes on and on... Ü

there are lots of reasons to smile. maybe i should do this more often... Ü

10 things

it's been a while since my last post. not that i don't have anything to write about; but each time i try to post a thought, something goes wrong. so instead of retyping what i wrote before, i decided to write down..

10 of my LEAST favorite things

10. sudden change in schedule i don't like it when, for one reason or another, i'm forced to change my plans for the day. i especially don't like it when the change involves going on long trips, or when there are deadlines to meet.

09. extremely hot weather just like what happened this summer. i hate hot weather. i hate it so much that i'm actually allergic to it. my nose clogs up and i have to take expensive medication just to be able to breathe.

08. traveling well, not all traveling, really. traveling is fine.. as long as i'm in a car.. and the travel time's short. haha. read my post "elevators drowning in flight" and you'll get my drift.

07. public speaking why is it that most people assume i like talking to large groups, just coz i'm teaching?! i can talk to a large group of *students*. i don't like talking to large groups of strangers.

06. faculty meetings one *major* source of stress for me, haha! it's the kind of meeting where everybody's talking.. but nobody seems to know what anybody's saying.

05. parties and other social gatherings. i'm not a hermit. i just don't like going to events where i'd have to mingle with a lot of people i don't really know.. or where i know a lot of people, but i'd rather not talk to them haha.

04. drivers of buses and jeepneys (and some cab drivers too) don't you just hate their @*#$*&!! guts?!?! ugh.

03. A. waiting i guess i'm really impatient. when i want something, i usually want it *now*. haha. and if you want me to be in a foul mood, show up at least 30mins late for an appointment with me without a reasonable excuse.

03. B. irrational people nothing makes my blood boil than people whom you just can't reason with. people who say and do all sorts of things to embarrass you.. then won't listen to logic when you try to explain your side. haha. this happened to me just recently. still makes my blood boil to think about it.

02. A)people who toy with other people's feelings i particularly loathe guys who say one thing but mean another. those who would make you feel really special but would let you hang out to dry when the pressure's too much. ah well..

02. B)people who take their "significant others" for granted when it comes to relationship, i'm usually more in the giving rather than the receiving end. and i don't mind that. but when i feel that i'm not being taken cared of.. and when the broken promises become more of a rule than the exception.. well, i know how to retaliate too.. hahahaha

01. being helpless who likes to be, anyway?! i particularly dislike not being able to do anything when a friend is sad/angry/disappointed/etc. and i hate it when everything seems to go wrong no matter how hard i try to do well, or at least, cope. think unfinished journal articles for tenure.. errors in encoding grades.. lesson plans way past the deadline.. wahahahahhahahahaha.. i don't wanna think 'bout it anymore

elevators drowning in flights

flights

just read my "cockroach" post again. much as i would really like to forget about those damned bugs, i couldn't get the freaky incident out of my head (well, naturally coz i read the post all over again... duh?!) anyway, i got to thinking about all the other stuff i'm afraid of. and believe me, there's a really loooooong list of those. but i'll write down the more major ones for now.

ELEVATORS
i don't know what it is about elevators that scare me. the enclosed space? the hot, sweaty smell of the crowd of strangers rubbing elbows (and Lord knows what other body parts) with you? the possibility of the elevator cable breaking and sending all the passengers hurtling down some 20 storeys at breakneck speed? maybe all of the above.

i remember i used to be so afraid of elevators that when i was going to give a lecture at the 8th floor of a building in ortigas, i came 20 minutes earlier... just so i would have enough time to walk all the way to the right floor. yup. i climbed all those 1,400 steps... and went down the same route afterwards. i just told myself i needed the additional exercise anyway.

DROWNING
i've always wanted to learn how to swim. when i was a kid, our family always went on swimming trips during summer. every year, since i was but 2 years old until i was around 11, my parents, cousins, aunts and uncles would find a rest house where we could have our own swimming party. and every year, i'd always manage to get a drink of the nasty water in the pool because i couldn't keep my head above water without a trusty "salbabida".

yes, i admit it. i don't know how to swim. and yes, i know that UPIS students all go through the swimming PE during 6th grade. nevertheless, i do not know how to swim. i cannot float even if my life depended on it. it's like my body rejects all the laws of reason and physics and refuses to be buoyant.

i look at my cousins and friends who are happily swimming at the deep end of the pool and i get green with envy. it's not that i never tried to learn how to swim. i took several swimming lessons as a kid - even before we were required to study it in 6th grade. unfortunately, it seems that like oil, water and i just dont mix. it won't cooperate with me at all.

or maybe water loves me so much that it's not content to keep me in its surface, but has to drag me to its depths so it can have me.

FLYING
most people enjoy traveling. they naturally seek jobs that would send them to faraway places - for free, of course. they'd love to go and see the sights. they'd be raring to go to singapore or japan or the US... or maybe just travel around the RP - bohol, boracay, palawan... anywhere! most people find all this adventurous island-hopping exhilirating. i'm not most people.

i hate traveling. if i had my way, i'd probably hole myself up inside the house for years (ok, maybe not years... months perhaps). or not really. i can tolerate the frequent short drives (from our place to UP, for example... or to megamall, where we have our weekly services...) and the occasional long car trips (going to bulacan to see our relatives...). but tell me that i'm gonna have to ride a plane or get on a boat? hm. you'd probably have to sedate me.

i tried flying. on a plane, of course. didn't like it. not one bit. well, i liked looking at the clouds and peering down on mountains and bodies of water (and on the patched roofs of the numerous shanties of metro manila) but that was it. all throughout the flight, all i could think of was where i could get a parachute or life vest... and if i could get my hands on it, how i should use it.it's weird but when i ride a plane, i prefer the window seat. it's like i want to be the first to know if an engine blows up - so i'd have a headstart on looking for those parachutes haha.

so let me rephrase what i said earlier. i *don't* hate traveling. i hate flying. and riding boats. in short, i hate to have my feet separated from the ground i'm standing on. i don't know, but my thinking is that if we were meant to fly or to swim, God would have given us wings and fins. haha.

the cockroach incident

this morning, i was enjoying my bath. i was happily shampooing my hair.. staying under the spray of the cold shower.. when i saw something that made my heart skip a beat. it was huge. it was scary. it was huge and scary. it made me want to scream at the top of my lungs (but i didn't, because if i did, it just might jump on me). it was.. a cockroach.

ok, ok.. so i got this stupidly irrational fear of cockroaches. just the thought of them flying around the room and possibly landing on / crawling over me was enough to send me running out of the shower (ok, so i didn't really run - i towel-dried first, then got the heck out of the bathroom as quickly as i could - after throwing on some clothes, naturally). i've always been afraid of cockroaches for as long as i could remember. they're creepy, gross, dirty, germ-carrying, awful-smelling creatures. ugh.

they say cockroaches can survive for weeks even if you chop their heads off. they also say that in case of a nuclear war, these buggers are the only ones that will still survive to populate the planet. great. how can such nasty things be so darned hard to kill?!

anyway, the only sure-fire way to kill a roach is to stomp on it (or to squish it with the most effective tool of all - the old-fashioned chinelas). simply stepping on it won't do. you have to make sure you hear that crunching noise of the insect's body being squashed.. and its innards all spilled out on the floor. otherwise, it could still crawl away when you're not looking (remember, a cockroach can survive for weeks without its head). then clean up the "crime scene" thoroughly (apply a liberal amount of disinfectant to the area) to get rid of the nasty smell of the cockroach. once the deed is done, bow your head and say a short prayer for the soul of the insect you just murdered. after all, it wasn't really doing you any harm - not directly at least.

there's a lesson to be learned in all this.. but at the moment, my mind is too full of images of squished roaches that i just have to stop here. maybe i'll write more on this next time...

one of these days

this is still applicable to me... though thankfully i'm in a better mood now hehe :)

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one of these days...

i will not plod sluggishly through the day but actually enjoy every minute of it
i'd be able to watch couples sing and dance together and not want to shed tears
i wouldn't have to play second fiddle to anything or anyone
i'd be able to honestly say to myself that i gave the best that i could... and i am happy
i'd hear others tell me they're glad they got to know me
i'd embrace the sunset and not fear the night
i'd welcome the sunrise and not hide in dreams

my someday just can't come soon enough for me.

my journal entry.. my life (a repost from hi5)

at the moment, i just want to keep writing and writing... though i don't really have anything to write about. so i suppose this journal entry still applies to me right now, hehe...

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my journal entry... my life

i want to write something but i have nothing to write about. it's really weird, but i've been sitting here in front of my PC for the past hour just typing stuff on the keyboard... yet none of them really make much sense.

which makes me think... why the heck am i making this journal entry?! i don't have anything meaningful or profound to say. i'm not really expecting my friends to read what i've written. i'm not even totally aware of what i'm typing here - just writing down what comes to my mind.

this is kinda like my life. nothing profound, nothing deep. nothing spectacular to show-off to others. nothing special. nothing new. no particular direction and no particular plan. not very exciting and not too original. not the kind that disturbs or harms others, but not the kind that will be missed when it's gone.

my life doesn't happen to be very interesting. my life just... happens. but i guess that's not such a bad thing. and this journal entry didn't turn out to be as meaningless as i thought it would be.

bittersweet (reposted from hi5)

hmm.. i was browsing through my hi5 account and came across my previous journal entries. just sharing them with you guys here at blogspot..

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BITTERSWEET
how is it that one can be happy and sad at the same time?
and why do joyful moments have to be so tearful?

there's an emptiness that you just can't get rid of...
... when you realize that you possess the best that there is and yet you still want more
... when you're aspiring for something you just can't have
... when you find out that there's nothing you can do to change the way things are
... when you can feel something so precious just through your fingers
... when you become aware that a life-changing moment passes you by

life. it hurts so much that it's so beautiful. like i said... life's bittersweet.

mikee & me

this is my 'playmate' mikee :) she's my friend's inaanak. she's cute, makulit and malambing. she waves at me while i'm singing at the choir. she enjoys pulling my hair and she likes playing silly games with me. she has lots of stories to share. she loves to hug and kiss me. *sigh* it must feel really good to be a kid again...