wandering

i love bookstores. i enjoy browsing through the different shelves, looking for nice books to read. i like to see if there are new pens, papers or other stationery items to add to my collection. i also enjoy reading the various greeting cards.. trying to see if i can get one for some special people. yup.. i love hanging out at bookstores. but not today.

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i dropped by a nearby bookstore before going home this afternoon. i didn't need to buy anything in particular - i just wanted to go somewhere by myself before heading home. so i went inside diplomat.. looked through some of the used books there.. and found myself approaching the greeting card section. instinctively, i selected some nice cards.. meaning to give it to someone special.. when i suddenly remembered: he's not mine anymore. the unbidden realization hurt so much.. it brought with it a flood of memories that came too quick for me to stop.

needless to say, i returned the cards i initially picked.. and chose a few that were more "suitable".. the more "friendly" cards.. the "safer" ones that are sweet, but don't really say everything you want to.

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i am slowly getting my life back. bit by bit, i am learning to accept the situation i am in.. the situation we are in. but i have my weak moments. there are times when i get caught unaware.. when bittersweet memories pop up in my mind and i am unprepared for the rush of emotions they bring out in me.

and i see myself as a wanderer, where but months ago i had a home. lost in the choking vastness of endless possibilities. i never wanted to be free. i never expected to set out on my life's journey without a hand to hold. not now. but wander, i must.. with no idea where to go. in an almost desperate search to find my heart's home.. or wait for it to call me back.. 'til i am a wanderer no more..