phoenix

i am a phoenix. each day dying.. each day being reborn. i never wanted to be this way. but circumstances.. the choices i made.. they all contributed to the kind of being i am now. fiery. non-human. constantly in pain. anticipating death. ever-dying but ever-living.

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he let me go. it's just as well. perhaps there really is a better future for us. for him. for me. a friend
told me last night that "God has something more for you now." maybe He has. i pray He does. it's the only bit of light in my blackness. the only hope i have.

in a couple of months.. or maybe in a few years' time.. i may read this blog post again and be able to smile. someday i may be able to remember all the memories without bitterness. someday i may once again be able to say "no regrets." someday i may allow the rain to comfort me once more. someday perhaps the missing pieces in the puzzle of my life will be returned to me. someday.

but for now, i embrace the pain and the hurt. i let the agony and despair be my companions. i allow the sorrow and loneliness to wash over me. and in my suffering.. i look for the mirror that would reflect the current state of my heart and soul.

then maybe someday.. i will be purified. my heart would be undivided. my soul would be cleansed. my mind would be free.
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the phoenix is slowly dying now. but someday.. it will rise again.. with tears of healing.. with renewed fire.. once more reborn.