circle of light

for the past days, i have been going through the blackest moments of my life. everything from "what ifs" to regret to guilt.. just about all the bad things you could think about.. hounded me. i couldn't find solace. i prayed.. but God was silent. or maybe i was too deaf to hear. perhaps i refused to listen. i've cried rivers of tears. wrote and said out loud every conceivable plea for mercy.. for peace. i tried practically everything i could think of just to ease the pain..

but everything comes full circle. it's ironic how you find the most precious gifts in the most unlikely places. my honey of four years.. who broke up with me.. who set me free 3 days ago. who would have thought i'd find my peace.. my refuge in him today? after all the hurt and pain.. who would believe that we could still be such best friends? openly acknowledging the mistakes.. the misery.. the love. being able to wish one another well.. giving support.. encouragement.. hope.

it is now easier to thank him for the past years. easier to acknowledge the possibility of meeting others. easier to accept the failures. easier to forgive one another. easier to give freedom. these things are still difficult to do. the memories still leave a bitter taste in the mouth. but it gets easier.. one step at a time.

am i okay now? i think so. will i be okay tomorrow? maybe. maybe not. but i now have what i did not have then - hope. i don't really know what the future holds for me.. for him.. for us. but after today, after experiencing the first soothing drops of healing tears from both our eyes.. i'm thinking that maybe things will turn out quite all right, eventually.

and in the end.. who knows.. maybe we'll still come full circle.. to be with each other.. this time truly for keeps.. =)