grey

it happened again. i barely slept last night. i tossed and turned in my bed, but sleep eluded me.

morning. i looked out my window to see the sunlight greet me. hmm. maybe i'll feel better today, i thought to myself. maybe i'd have something to smile about... something to cheer me up. maybe i can shake off this mood... think happy, colorful thoughts. maybe the sun can warm my heart and remove this heavy feeling i have inside of me.

but only a couple of minutes passed... and the skies grew dark - a gloomy GREY. and i couldn't help but remember what i said in my previous blog post: it usually rains when i am sad. sure enough, after a short while, big, heavy drops of rain started to fall. this was not the comforting kind of rain i talked about before. it was not the kind of ran that caressed my face. it did not speak to tell me i was not alone.

instead, it was as if all the turbulence and sadness i felt were mirrored in the weather. the dark, grey clouds reflected the gloom and sorrow i could not shake off. the strong winds howled out the frustration and emptiness i felt. and the rain. the rain cried out the tears i could not shed. starting out with soft, hesitant drops... building up to a torrent that washed away everything in its path... not caring who or what was there... then slowly abating until there is only a tired, uneasy silence.

it rained all day. the sun was hidden somewhere in the grey skies. everything was cold and damp. there were no happy, colorful thoughts in my mind. there were no comforting words to hear. joy and peace, like sleep, eluded me.

and yet... a few lines of melody kept me company throughout the day. unbidden and pervasive as my gloom... words i could not shake off:

"i'll never know how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross..."

"when the oceans rise and thunders roar, i will soar with you above the storm
father you are king over the flood... i will be still and know you are god..."

the rain may not have brought me comfort nor peace today. but these few lines of verse were enough to give me strength to get by.

will it rain tomorrow? perhaps it will. it does not matter so much to me anymore, i guess. be it my ran-friend or my storm-mirror that comes to greet me tomorrow, i know there will be a melody to keep me company... to help me get through the day.