amazing grace

going to Rivers' open retreat today was not exactly part of my agenda for the weekend. i had originally planned to spend my saturday at home - catching up on my reading, doing the crossword puzzles, watching spongebob (hehe one of my many quirks), surfing the net and playing pc games. but though i did not really count on attending the retreat, i found myself at the RFM auditorium at 8.30am.. listening to bro. arun gogna share his insights on God's love.
i've attended countless retreats and recollections. in my more than 10 years in the community, i've heard hundreds of talks and teachings about God's love. i've read books, i've heard testimonies, i've even shared some of my experiences with some of my brothers and sisters in the community. but after attending the open retreat, i realized that the Lord is not yet finished introducing Himself to me. i will always find out something new about Him.. about His relationship with me.

when i was new in the community, i was zealous in my service. i was on fire for the Lord. i was joyful.. always basking in His presence. i was certain of His love for me.. and i knew that nothing could get in the way of my loving Him back. but as time passed, and i experienced various trials, disappointments, frustrations and failures.. as the seasons of spiritual dryness and burnout came.. i started doubting the reality of my being God's child. 10 years ago i knew in my heart and in my mind that i was special to the Lord. but now.. after undergoing so many tests, and after failing and falling so many times, in spite of the fact that i belonged in a Christian community.. i just was not sure if i was worthy to be called His daughter.

and then.. the Lord spoke to me. not through a disembodied voice.. but He told me what He wanted me to hear through bro. arun gogna and fr. bobby titco. God talked to me during the retreat. His message to me was simple: I LOVE YOU. i love you not because of what you do for Me.. not because of who you or others think you are. i love you. period. no conditions necessary. no questions asked.

my heart was struggling all throughout the retreat. i clung to God's message to me.. and yet at the same time i was afraid. i never realized how scary it was to be loved unconditionally. to be loved in spite of who i was. it was so mind-boggling to know, deep in my heart, that He has been aware of all my sins even before i was born.. and yet was willing to give up His only Son for me. specially for me. and i realized that God was telling me that i should learn to accept myself, too. that i should learn to love myself.. the way He loves me.

God's love. it is so unfathomable. so wondrous. so beautiful. it is the kind of love that cleanses and purifies. but it isn't simply a "feel good" kind of love that makes you feel giddy all over. it is the kind that effects change in you - slowly but surely. the stubborn kind of love that simply would not let go. the kind of love that is pervasive.. that makes you see yourself for who you really are: sinful yet forgiven; deficient yet blessed; weak yet able. LOVED tremendously.

nothing says it better than the song fr. bobby asked all of us to sing:

amazing grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost but now i'm found
was blind but now i see

t'was grace that taught my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved
how precious did that grace appear
the hour i first believed

through many trials, storms and snares
i have already come
t'was grace that brought me safe thus far
and grace will lead me home..

this is MY song now. i am accepted for who i am. i am loved unconditionally.. immensely. and because He has loved me first.. i cannot help but love Him too. Ü