first

first impression. first crush. first love. first kiss. first broken heart. first reconciliation. first anniversary. first child. first words. first steps.

we always put a premium on "firsts." it's as if there is an exclusive portion of our brain dedicated to all the firsts we've ever experienced. what makes these firsts so special.. so memorable? perhaps it's because the firsts are always the most difficult to do.

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the first step to my healing happened yesterday. after 36 hours of officially being "single" again, i met with him again. it was difficult.. being in a place where everything reminded me of him.. not knowing what to expect.. unsure whether he would welcome my presence or not.. not trusting in my ability to hold back the tears. it was extremely paintful.. but it had to be done. we needed to talk. to tell each other everything. to be totally honest about our shortcomings.. our expectations.. our feelings of hurt, betrayal and even love.

it's one thing to open up to a lover. it's another thing to open up to someone who used to be yours. but perhaps through prayer and God's guidance.. aided by four years of happy togetherness.. what i thought would be one of the most painful things i would have to go through turned out to be the first step in my journey to healing. it was difficult to start. but once we began.. it seemed as if the heavy weight in our hearts were eased bit by bit until in the end, we were crying no longer tears of sadness, but tears of gratitude.
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today is another first. our first day of building new memories. our first gimik as a "single couple" (go figure - as our friendster status declares, "it's complicated" hehe). things are different now.. but it is as if nothing has changed. sure, we have no commitments (for now, at least). but the love.. the care.. the friendship.. they're all still there. and as we together add new memories, it gets easier to look at the past without bitterness.. and easier to look to the future with renewed hope Ü

thank you for unbreaking my heart. thank you for the new memories. thank you for the renewed trust. thank you for the chance to grow. thank you for being open to another chance. thank you for the new hope. thanks, ney, for everything.. Ü