B L A C K

I. blackness. that is all i can think of right now. i don't want to hear music. i don't want to see the stars. i don't want the comfort of the rain. heck i don't even wanna watch csi. yup. it's that bad. i feel.. but i don't want to feel anything at all. i am hurting so bad that i'm almost numb. almost. but not quite.

there's a certain kind of pain.. a certain kind of hurt.. that squeezes the heart and numbs it. kind of like when you put your finger into dry ice. it's so cold that after a while you don't feel your finger anymore. an initial stabbing shock.. that in time just freezes everything. making it numb. slowly killing it.

II. it's weird but it seems that everything i've been writing down these past weeks - be it in this blog or otherwise - they all either come true, or become connected to events that happen to me. i talked about killing time.. mastering it.. controling it.. being able to go back to any point in my life to correct my mistakes, to rectify wrongdoings. how i wish i could do that now. i desperately need to do that now. unfortunately i can't. hence the blackness.

III. funny thing about the night. there is no such thing as absolute darkness. others take this to mean there's always light, no matter how faint. i take it to mean that things are never so bad that they can't get any worse. blue turns to grey. grey turns to black. and black.. it can always turn a shade darker. always.

IV. i write when i'm in pain. and given the amount of stuff i've been posting these past days, i suppose i've been hurting for quite a while. but this time.. well, this time is different. black. nothing but blackness for me. black like the loss of all hope. black like the shattering of all dreams. black like death.

V. death. hmm. maybe it's not that bad. freedom from all suffering. freedom from all pain. freedom from worries and hurts. freedom from everything.

but what if you don't want to be free? what if you don't want to be set free? what if you would rather hurt.. if you would rather go through all the pain and suffering just to belong to somebody else? just so you would not be free?

VI. a friend of mine once tried to end her life. she had guts. i don't. the thought of killing myself never appealed to me. too scared. thankfully - i guess. but i've prayed for it to come. not often. just at some crucial points in my life - when things become too difficult to bear. when there is no one to turn to. when the only person i need could not be there for me. when i am not wholly alone. when God seems silent. when my missing half returns with him.. only to be given back to me.. maybe forever.

i've prayed for a lot of things in my life. a lot of them, God granted. some.. well, maybe He eventually will. i don't know when all this pain will end. God knows. only He knows..

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yes i have posted something before the "dotted line" above. but it's black. all black.