possessed

you coulda made a safer bet
but what you break is what you get
you wake up in the bed you make
i think you made a big mistake

you own me
there's nothing you can do
you own me
you own me
lucky you

the above lines comes from the national's "lucky you" - courtesy of friend A. hmm. just another song post for today. it's actually been a busy day for me. went to school.. tried to input grades of my student teachers (the educ staff weren't so.. er.. competent, though, so that was a futile attempt); then went to cubao to get my camphone fixed (tsk, tsk.. had to leave my beloved phone at brightpoint ali mall. aww.. i miss my phone. waaah!!); went home by 2.30pm to eat (hadn't been able to eat a bite since i woke up haha); left the house at 4.15pm to meet cousin doms at edsa central; went to nancy's place for choir practice; got home at about 11pm (after dropping by starbucks for my caffeine fix :p). hmm. not bad, huh?

i did some "shopping therapy" on my own today while i was at ali mall. i couldn't help it. i was feeling so low and i was at one of my unfathomable moods again. so i went around the mall, really hungry but not wanting to eat anything at all. didn't want to be with anybody.. just enjoying my solitude (and loneliness?!). i tried on some blouses (too bad the ones i especially loved didn't fit me :( gotta slim down, tsk tsk).. bought a couple.. and would have continued splurging if only i wasn't worried i'd have no time to rest before going to choir prax.

oh well. the day's not all that bad. and yet i can't help but feel that i'm missing everything that matters..

i prefer sunsets

the folks and i were invited to a birthday celebration this afternoon. friends from the community (mr & mrs manny tan) asked us over for dinner at their antipolo resthouse. the view was really great. i especially liked the sunset :p it's just really crappy that my camphone got busted last saturday (gggrrrrrrrrrr!!!) so i couldn't take as good a picture as i wanted :( but since i really wanted to capture that sunset, i took a video instead (weird, huh? my camphone can take videos but not stills. go figure).. then just clipped a portion to take a snapshot. it's not as clear.. but at least i have a shot of that nice sunset :)

the air's really good there, too. *sigh* i wish i could live in that area. nice view.. fresh air.. peace and quiet.. aahhhh :)

oh well. i'm glad i joined them today.. :p

bunny eggs

i don't really understand how bunnies and eggs came to symbolize easter. for one thing, i seem to remember that bunnies do not lay eggs.. and if ever they do, i'm quite sure they don't come out in designer pastel colors :p also, i fail to see the connection between rabbits, ovoids and the risen christ.

at any rate, today's easter.. though frankly, it doesn't feel like it. the past week has been a blur of activities and escapades for me, personally. and much as i am ashamed to admit it, my mind hasn't been focused on spiritual stuff of late. too distracted and too busy, i suppose.

but i'm grateful for today, just the same. 'coz the day turned out better than i'd hoped.. :p

black sabbath

"i'll never know how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross.."

today is black saturday. in more ways than one for me.
i can't believe it. up to now i still can't believe it.
it's strange how, even when you expect something to happen, reality still is able to surprise you and take your breath away. literally.
so where do we go from here? i don't know. but wherever that is.. as long as i'm with You.. it doesn't really matter..

blurry mess

spent some time today fixing up my room. well, not exactly. to be more accurate, i spent several *minutes* tidying up my tiny closet - stuffing long unused (unwanted) clothes, old bags and shoes and other knick knacks into plastic bags for disposal. my room's a mess. a blurry mess. and i'm kinda fine with it at the moment.

i'm a bit OC; so it's weird that i'm not that bothered with my mess right now. but i figured that i'm making some headway.. and cleaning up everything is going to be a slow, arduous process and i can't expect to have everything all neat and tidy in just a day (er.. minutes). so with some satisfaction, i closed the door to my sanctuary.. leaving it a tad bit less messy.. yet still very much disorganized. ha. to hell with organization. neatness is overrated. nyahahahaha.

got an email from cousin "apples" today.. and i had fun reading her blog. hahaha. she's right on so many counts; but my favorite was the one about wise estheticians :p hahaha. too bad i don't have any monthly appointment for waxing and stuff nyahahaha. maybe i'd better hunt around for one - and pick up some words of wisdom along the way.. >:p

"to whom it may concern"

"what's on your mind?" you ask me. and i simply smile. it's strange that in spite of the fact that i have a million thoughts buzzing in my head, i cannot name a single one.

they're like tiny multi-colored fish swimming in a dark and murky pool - slippery and ever-changing. "uncatchable" so to speak.

a piece of joy. a shard of pain. a drop of sorrow. a whiff of pleasure. a grain of practicality. a pinch of magic. a stab of guilt. a glimmer of memory. an echo of laughter. a trickle of tears. a taste of regret. a pinprick of hope. a singe of passion. an imprint of love.

a thousand.. no, a million or more images pop into view. like eternally changing channels in a boob tube. bits and pieces of a brain? of a heart? or of a spirit slowly dying? hmm. i don't really know.

"what's on your mind?" you ask me. why, can't you tell anymore? (and why can't you tell anymore?)

you can no longer read my eyes. maybe it's just as well.

what's on my mind is you.

still..

what a whirlwind of a day! sheesh..

we were at megamall at around 11am. not too early.. but early enough to be able to get seats for the lenten recollection (not that i need seats - choir members have reserved chairs; but my mom had didn't). it was weird; but when we got to mega, the rain poured down *real hard* wahahaha! :p that lifted my mood a lot and brought a smile to my face hehe.

i was too busy with stuff though.. that i wasn't really able to listen to the talks much. darnit. this *always* happens to me. hmp. i wish i could just concentrate on the talks instead of being so distracted with.. stuff. well, good thing we recorded the entire recollection.. so at least i'd be able to watch it tomorrow on dvd :p

at any rate, i can call this day a "mixed signal" one. no, i don't means signals that cross.. or that are misinterpreted. it's just that there are so many signs and signals.. and they all get jumbled up. some are good.. some are not so good. others are clear.. others are not. there are welcome signs.. and worrisome ones too. wahahaha. i get tired just thinking about all of them.

through it all, though.. still.

Zzz on my mind

two weeks ago, i went to fully booked powerplant (with cousins em & almi). there were so many cool stuff there.. i felt like i could just stay there the entire day. *sigh*

among the items i included in my wish list was this pair of bookends. two big letter Z's bwahaha. actually, you can choose from a variety of A's and Z's (different "fonts" and colors). neat. my two favorite letters as bookends. hahaha. a bit too pricey for me at P450 each, though. oh well.

in a few hours, i'll be off to the makati recollection. 8am to 5pm. hahaha. i wonder how i'd be able to last that long. then we'll be off to mall of asia for another service that will last 'til around 10pm. nyahaha. to top it off, wednesday we'll have the lenten recollection at megamall (12nn - 6pm). yahoo. this is gonna be a test of endurance :p

so now i have nothing but zzz on my mind. sheesh. i have to load up on sleep now if i wanna survive the holy week wahahaha..

bwahahaha

it's been a long, busy day (again?!) for me. i went to school around 9am.. worked on the honor roll thingy 'til 2pm (good thing i'm a multitasking expert, haha).. sat in the faculty meeting (which was surprisingly interesting).. then went home.

soon as i got home, i realized what a mess the whole place is. so i tidied up a bit - starting with the dining and living rooms (ugh.. the dust!!!) then working up to my own room. i sorted through all the trash (tons of papers, my goodness!) downstairs.. then proceeded to ransack my wardrobe, discarding those clothes that i have no intention of ever wearing again.

then i suddenly remembered that i needed to work on the newsletter 'coz i'd be out the entire day tomorrow (makati recollection 8am-5pm; mall of asia 7-10pm). so i checked my email for the contributions and other articles. along with those, i found an email from my student teacher that contained the grades of my sophomore geometry students. haha. i totally forgot.. i haven't even finalized my own set of grades. and they're due.. uhm.. sometime *really* soon bwahaha. grrrreat.

my mind's been working in overdrive these past hours.. and i'm actually enjoying it. weird. it gives me some sort of rush.

i think this is an after-effect of zzz's :p

missing my guy

today, i went window shopping after the morning service. there are several items in my "to buy" list. these include (but are not limited to):

* black formal (closed) shoes
* black high-heeled sandals
* decent rubber shoes (or walking shoes)
* a pair of good black jeans
* ecru dress (for this year's graduation ceremonies)
* semi-formal dress (would you believe i don't have any decent dress?! at my age?!?!)
* new undies (i was about to say "lingerie" bwahahaha :p)
* some shirts (or blouses) for summer
* book #2 of the septimus heap series ("flyte")
* curtains for my room

unfortunately, there's quite a gap between *wanting* something and *actually* getting it. (sigh) i was only able to buy the black formal shoes. i looked around for book #2 but both powerbooks and nbs ran out of stocks. bummer :(

i was able to find *a lot* of really good stuff, though. while browsing through the racks at cinderella, i came across some elegant dresses. i also found some cool blouses and shirts.. as well as rubber shoes, watches and perfumes. i saw this light-colored cotton semi-casual polo for guys with thin stripes. it looked really nice.. and i found myself wanting to buy it. except that i didn't have anyone i could give it to. nyahahaha.

that realization hit me quite unexpectedly. darnit. i miss having a special someone to buy stuff for. i love to go shopping for *my guy* - hunting for a good shirt.. a nice watch.. cool shoes.. etc. hahaha. i may not always have the resources to actually buy the stuff.. but it sure makes me feel great. i imagine myself dressing him up (er.. not literally. not *always* at least, wahaha).. and that makes me happy. but right now, i don't have "my guy" to shop for. and the feeling i get is somewhat akin to loneliness. (sigh) oh well..

i wonder if this is an effect of the lenten season, nyahahaha. suddenly, i find myself wishing for the day after easter.. :p

lost and found

a surprisingly nice kelly clarkson song. i'm not very fond of "happy" or upbeat tunes; but i'll make an exception for this one. i like the words. and at this moment.. it's exactly the song for me :)

you found me
(kelly clarkson)

is this a dream? if it is please don't wake me from this high. i've become comfortably numb until you opened up my eyes to what it's like when everything's right. i can't believe..

you found me when no one else was lookin'. how did you know just where i would be? yeah, you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs.. and you still didn't leave. i guess that you saw what nobody could see. you found me. you found me.

so, here we are.. that's pretty far when you think of where we've been. no going back, i'm fading out. all that has faded me within, you're by my side. now everything's fine. i can't believe..

you found me when no one else was lookin'. how did you know just where i would be? yeah, you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs.. and you still didn't leave. i guess that you saw what nobody could see. you found me. you found me.

and i was hiding 'til you came along and showed me where I belong. you found me when no one else was lookin'. how did you know? how did you know?

you found me when no one else was lookin'. how did you know just where i would be? yeah, you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs.. and you still didn't leave. i guess that you saw what nobody could see. you found me (you found me when no one else was lookin'). you found me (how did you know just where i would be?) you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs.. and you still didn't leave. i guess that you saw what nobody could see - the good and the bad and the things in between. you found me. you found me

one other that makes me go "hmm.."

this from the oliver! soundtrack. hahaha. gotta love the lyrics.. :p

as long as he needs me... oh, yes, he does need me... in spite of what you see... i'm sure that he needs me.

who else would love him still when they've been used so ill? he knows ialways will... as long as he needs me.

i miss him so much when he is gone, but when he's near me i don't let on... the way i feel inside.
the love i have to hide... the hell! i've gone my pride as long as he needs me.

he doesn't say the things he should. he acts the way he thinks he should. but all the same, i'll play
this game his way.

as long as he needs me... i know where i must be. i'll cling on steadfastly... as long as he needs me.

as long as life is long... i'll love him right or wrong, and somehow, i'll be strong... as long as he needs me.

if you are lonely then you will know... when someone needs you, you love them so.

i won't betray his trust... though people say i must. i've got to stay true, just as long as he needs me.

hair-pulling news only from the RP

i rarely watch the news. and i rarely tune in to the local channels. usually, i just watch cartoons (nicktoons!!), tv series (grey's! house! csi!) and discovery channel (go mythbusters!). this morning, though, cousin doms texted me and told me to listen to the news. out of curiosity, i did. and i suddenly remembered why i purposely avoid watching the local news.

a busload of kids were supposed to go on a field trip to tagaytay. but instead, their school's benefactor decided to take them hostage because (can you believe this?!) he wanted to say his piece against corruption in government, particularly in the misuse of funds for education. this guy (ducat) decried the grandstanding of politicians.. and said other stuff that normally would make sense. if only it didn't come from somebody who was holding a grenade and who was armed with several machine guns.. while in a bus full of innocent kids.

but the crazy story does not end here. you know what's more hilarious? it's the hostage-taker's family crying on tv.. telling everybody that they were "hurt" because people were calling their father insane. DUH!??! people.. the man just took a busload of kids hostage! it doesn't matter if he claims he never intended to harm them. he had ammunition in that bus! with innocent kids! how dare you complain about being "hurt" that we call your father crazy. what the f*** do you expect us to do? congratulate him on being a "humanitarian"?!?! if that's the case, then insanity certainly runs in your family.

even crazier are the politicians who come to the defense of ducat. i could not believe it when bong revilla told the media that ducat had valid concerns that he wanted to air.. that he knew the man to be kind, blah blah blah. YEAH RIGHT.

what the hell is going on in this country?! this ducat person already took hostages last 1988 (two priests?!).. because he wanted the public to know of the alleged corruption in his church! yet he's here.. scot free.. taking hostages again. and people are still debating on whether he should be punished or not. "the kids were not harmed anyway.." "ducat is a good person.." "everybody knows the issues he's raising are valid.." "the children loved him.. they even kissed him on the cheek as they left the bus.." "we're not going to press charges.. ducat is a kind man.." "it's the government's fault.." and on and on goes the unbelievable statements from various interviewees. how hilarious is this?!!?!?!?

apparently, this country is not going to the dogs. it's already been eaten up and sh*tted out. grr.

secret worlds

true. how true. from the master story-teller himself :)

everybody has secret worlds inside them. it's just that not everyone acknowledges that fact. i know i have lots of secret worlds inside me. lots of places of refuge. lots of "inner selves" to interact with. hahaha.

this is fun. i'll soon be off to la-la-land :) maybe i'll even add more secret worlds to the ones i already have..

feeling bubbly

just got home from choir practice. whew! this sure was one hell of a busy day! i started out by giving an exam to my geom class (tsk tsk.. poor kids seemed to have a difficult time with it). then i signed clearance forms for my advisees and senior students. i barely had the chance to set up my laptop to finish the geometry periodic test and compute 4th quarter grades (for seniors).. and when i looked at the clock, it was already past 4pm!

i had the test questions mimeographed then headed home. as soon as i arrived, i recorded the song boss ran requested.. ate a quick meal.. then it was off to choir prax. i had my laptop, organizer, test questions, grading sheets and other paraphernalia in tow. hahahaha.

all throughout the prax session, i was busy with schoolwork and other stuff. thankfully, i was able to finish the math10 grades (yahooooo!!) so that was a great load off my shoulders.

so it's been a productive day. and it's past 11pm and i'm still so wide awake. haha. oh well. another round of bookworm adventures just might put me to sleep :p unless something (or someone) else does.. :)

tepid

tepid (adj): exhibiting little passion or eagerness

hmm. that said, today i am tepid. no eagerness for anything at all.

must be because of the hectic sked? haha. i dunno. but for starters, here are some entries in my to do list:

* finalize grades in math 10

* finish making removal exam in math 10

* finish making periodic test in geometry

* print long exam in geometry

* "kilos at gawi" forms for homeroom

* student teacher evaluation for maths 8g and 10

* geometry syllabus revision (with objectives)

* layout newsletter and follow-up articles

* organize song/recording archives

* update song list and lyrics

* clean up closet and room

* organize files, books and knick-knacks

* go to bank for passbook update

* get new GSIS e-card

* get new UP ID

* prepare summer lessons

bwahahaha. good luck to me. with all the activity lined up for me in the coming weeks, it's no surprise that i'm so lukewarm to everything.

well, *most* everything, i mean. (sigh)

magykal eskeyp

whenever i find myself thinking too much, i do something quite unexpected of someone who's been on the planet for more than 3 decades. i read children's books :p

alternatively, i watch cartoons or read comics. or play with kids. basically, i just do kidstuff. it's relaxing, in a way. it feels good to just drop everything that's bugging me.. and actively remembering how it is to be a kid again. yes, it is an escape. yes it is temporary. and yes, my problems and other "nagging stuff" will still be there afterwards. but for a brief moment, i am fine. and i get an addiitonal boost of energy.

today i started on this septimus heap book; and so far i'm happy with it. reads better than harry potter when i first started.. and the plot is good :) hahaha. at one point, i caught myself thinking, "if i had a kid, it would be nice to have him/her read this with me.." :p wahahahaha..

oh no. i *do not* want kids of my own. at least, not *yet* :p nyahahahaha.

gotta end this blogpost here before my mind goes off on all sorts of tangents..

project 2007

hmm. did i mention my project for 2007? i don't remember posting anything about it here. anyway.. it's like this. i'm a sucker for quotes - whether they're taken from songs, books or text messages :p so i figured i'd write down *one quote per day* in my starbucks planner. just to make sure i write down the memorable/meaningful ones while spicing up my planner at the same time.

so far, i'm doing quite well. i have a quote for every day of 2007 (until today). they're mostly love quotes taken from texts (courtesy of sam and riz), grey's anatomy, sandman comics and paulo coelho books hahaha :p

and well.. if you're reading this entry and have a quote to share.. do leave a comment, ok? it will help me do my project this year, hahaha :)

i need to give out a BIG hug :)

smiling for no reason? hmm. not really. i'm just happy today. tired but happy ü and boy, am i relieved to be out of that gloomy mood i was in since yesterday, haha ü

mom's birthday is coming up. i haven't even gotten her anything yet. sheesh. this is so embarrassing. hmm. maybe i can go out tomorrow and find something nice for her.

i've been so busy lately that i haven't found much time for anything except work and sleep, haha. choir work's kinda light - and the stuff i'm able to do during practice relaxes me (not the singing, though - my throat still feels scratchy. hmp. must be the weather)

oh well. it's been a good, long day. i'm ready to turn in now. hope tomorrow brings more smiles.. ü if only i can give away these hugs.. hahaha :p

why not..?

you'd think that after more than 3 decades on this planet, i'd have some direction in life. unfortunately, it seems that maturity does not always come with age.

i wish life came with some kind of manual. you know.. a big fat book that tells you everything you needed to know about living. practical stuff. things like..
* how to have a good social life
* how to make friends (and keep them)
* how to earn huge amounts of money without working yourself to death
* how to be the perfect child/soulmate/partner to the parent/soulmate/partner given to you
* how to please others and yourself at the same time
* how to be happy without losing your sanity
* how to determine whether you've already lost your sanity
* how to get back to being sane when you've already lost your mind
* how to know what you want
* how to get what you want in life
* how to not be frustrated when you don't get what you want in life
* how to live well
* how to die well

but as far as i know, there's no such manual. the bible is as close as i can get to having one. and i honestly haven't figured out all the stuff that's written for me there. only bits and pieces. and i come by them way too seldom.

*sigh* i guess this is just one of those days when i want to throw in the towel. to just lie down and sleep.. for ages, if necessary. only to wake up when i'm not so bruised and hurting anymore. or maybe not at all.