love/hate

Coffee & Cigarettes
Michelle Featherstone

I gave up coffee and cigarettes
I hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet
I thought my problems would just dissipate
And all my pain would be in yesterday

I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
And watched my bad habits get flushed away
I thought that that would keep my head on straight
And all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you

I thought that if I didn’t go and play
The sadness would get bored and go away
I thought that if I didn’t go astray
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you

I sold my guitar and my piano
I thought that it was these that kept me low
I thought if only I could try and change
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you
I must quit, I must quit, you

soulmate A gave me these lyrics yesterday. well, i don't have to agree with this *totally*. i'm entitled to a denial stage, after all, bwahahaha :p and even though i'm not blue (not literally or figuratively.. at least, not at the moment), i can still relate somewhat :p

anyway, i loooove drinking coffee. i go to starbucks, GJ and CBTL whenever i get the chance. i find it relaxing to just sit there with a tall latte (or frap). unfortunately, my caffeine fix doesn't seem to be doing my body good. lately i've been experiencing palpitations again after drinking one or two cups of coffee. tsk tsk. so no coffee/tea/caffeine for the meantime. *sigh*

hmm. i wish it were just as easy to give up other things.. *sigh*

i can.. i think :p

It's funny. When I started out in Rivers, I always had the feeling that I had a lot to offer to the community. I was excited to attend all the activities - ministry meetings, bible study sessions, cell group sessions.. name it, I'm there. I was eager to be a part of all that Rivers had to offer. My prayer life was great, too. Every morning I'd have my quiet time.. and then again at night. I had a "prayer diary" where I would tell God everything that went on in the day. I was happy in the community.. and I was so in love with the Lord.

This stage lasted all of five years. After that.. well, things sort of.. broke up into pieces, bit by bit. I made a lot of friends.. and lost some, too. I experienced disappointment and frustration with the very same brothers and sisters with whom i've been working. It became easier to stop attending the activities of the community. I also experienced spiritual dryness for the first time. Most of the time, I end up frustrated after I utter my prayers. It was as if God hid Himself from me. I was confused.. and lonely. The 'honeymoon' stage of my christian walk was over.

In his talk last Saturday at the workers' retreat, fr. Phil estrella discussed the different stages of spiritual development. One thing I remember in particular is when he said that we all go through the stage of 'first fervor' - the time of our life when we feel so in love with the Lord. This, however, lasts only for a short while. after that, we undergo what is called the 'waning' stage - the time when we first start to doubt.. when God keeps silent.. when we stop feeling so "high" during services.. and when our spiritual exercises seem to do us no good at all. Unfortunately, according to fr. Phil, the waning stage can last as long as 25 years or more.

As soon as I heard him say this, I understood that everything I have gone through.. and everything that I still am going through at this moment.. is meant to help me grow in my spiritual walk. So the honeymoon is over. Well.. that's great! That means I can now learn to love God more deeply.. and with more meaning. It means I can praise Him and thank Him even when He is silent.. and even when life just seems to suck. And more importantly, it means that this phase, no matter how long it may last, is just that - a phase. It will pass.. eventually :)

"What took you so long to make me see how lucky I am 'cause I am free.. free to do things I wanna do? What took you so long to make me cry.. so I will know the reason why I'm so lucky I can smile?"

Yes, I am free to do the things I want to do. Free to cry, free to doubt, free to experience pain. But I'm also free to laugh, free to believe, and free to worship in a God Whom I know will always be there with me in my 'waning' moments.. and I know, with Him around.. I can do everything He wants me to ü

footprints in the desert

everybody's familiar with that "footprints in the sand" story, right? the one that says, when you see only one set of footprints, it's actually the time when God is carrying you? well, i know it's true. still, seeing only *one* set of footprints in a vast desert land.. where everything around you is just sand.. and more sand.. well, that can pretty much shake your beliefs about anything.

i wonder why that's the case. why is it easier to accept things when there are more people who believe, along with us? will a hundred more sets of footprints make God's reality more real?

no they won't.

it's probably just that knowing you're not alone.. it just makes everything - the silence, the scorching heat, the painful dryness, the doubting - more bearable.

on happiness

i like this picture. it's grey and melancholic.. but when i look at it, it makes me think about happiness.

my thoughts on the subject? well, i think happiness is much like a dandelion in your hand. you may *think* you have it.. and yeah, a lot of times, you do. but the question is, for how long?

a slight breeze may come and soon you'll see your happiness dandelion flying away into a million tiny pieces.. blown by the wind.

but hold on to it too tight.. and you'll just end up with a crushed weed. nothing that even slightly resembles the delicate "flower" you wanted to hang on to, in the first place.

the phrase "happy in the meantime" is so appropriate. but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck. *sigh* it's crazy how, even when you're happy, you can never be *totally* happy..

happy in the meantime ;-)

i've been visiting the zedge network to browse through the graphics and themes i can upload to my phone. hahaha. lots of stuff to see.. cool :p

i am swamped with work right now. unfortunately, i won't be able to face 'em all coz i'm sooooooo tired and sleepy (umm.. don't ask why hahaha). i'll do that tomorrow, i guess.

i have a lot of things on my mind too at this moment. mostly about the stuff that fr. phil estrella mentioned in our worker's retreat yesterday :)

i'm happy today. yup. i think i'll just ride the wave for now :)

this is me.. i think

nice picture. i would probably look like this if i were a cartoon, haha. well.. i've managed to do my duties for the first quarter. gives me a little sense of accomplishment. though i still have *tons* of stuff to do. and right now i don't have enough energy to do all of them. darn it.

anyway, i sort of promised myself that i'd do my best to manage my time well. oh, you know.. avoid cramming.. stop spending too much time watching dvd's of my fave tv series (or chatting online/blogging wahahaha). but somehow i don't think it's gonna work. i was *wired* to procrastinate. i was born a daydreamer. been dreaming while awake ever since i was but a baby (this is true.. my earliest memories always included a separate world.. my own 'hideaway' place).

ok. so going back to the figure above. i find it cute. sad.. but cute. cute in a sad way (i know, i'm rambling. i don't care. it's *my* post. live with it) kinda like me (ahahaha. how come so many people say i'm 'cute'?!? that's soooo destroying my reputation as a biatch) - sad.. but cute.

i don't see where this post is going anymore. darn it. i think my brain's shutting down. probably due to oxygen-deprivation, wahahaha. i need my FIX, stat. my mind needs to get reorganized soon. i can't take much more of this.

give me air!!!

it's been one hell of a day. since the moment i woke up, i've already been feeling quite harassed. well, that's mainly because i was cramming. yup. today's the deadline for submission of grades. so as soon as i got up from bed, i turned on my trusty laptop and entered the students' scores (and finished some last-minute checking of seatworks, etc.). i double-checked the formulas.. ran off to school (er.. drove to school, that is) and voila! i made it just in the nick of time.

but i'm having trouble breathing properly. must be due to all the stress and pressure. or probably the lack of sleep. then again, it may partly be because of.. umm.. well.. other things. i dunno. all i know is that there's so much air around me.. and yet i can't seem to take 'em in my lungs. *sigh*

i seriously need to fix myself.. but i don't know how.

no need to pretend

Unlike Me
Kate Havnevik

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present, nor for the future.
All I know is that I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way you live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me.. Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you.. Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time.. There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.

The past, the present, and the future
Are all side by side, Hand in hand.
You move and change, yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me, and ask me questions,
Makes me nervous
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster

Unlike me.. Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you.. Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time.. There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
There is no time.. There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

it's been a hell of a week.. but thankfully, i got through it whole. hmm. i've got a reason to smile again. but i won't smile too widely. not yet. i don't want to be overly happy. at the moment, i'm.. um.. "cautiously" joyous. hahahaha.

oh well.. :p

hideaway

Somewhere Only We Know
Keane

I walked across an empty land,
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.
I felt the earth beneath my feet,
Sat by the river and it made me complete.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

I came across a fallen tree,
I felt the branches of it looking at me.
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

So if you have a minute why don't we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So, tell me when you gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

And if you have a minute why don't we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.

So why don't we go, so why don't we go,
Hmmm yea,This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know.

these are MY words

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand..
and breathe..
just breathe

-Anna Nalick, "Breathe" (2am)

forget the world

while waiting for the next season of grey's anatomy, i thought i'd go search for those nice songs featured in the past two season :) thankfully, i found a great site that has the complete listing of songs. yahoo!! wahahaha. this should keep me occupied for the next couple of days (or hours.. depending on my desperation haha)

this is my song for the day, though. can't stop listening to it.. hehehe..

Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

my kind of day

i didn't get to sleep until 2am "yesterday" haha. well. what else is new?
but as i was drifting of to dreamland.. something really weird happened.
i dreamt i was getting my zzz's.. actually communing with it.
and a sudden downpour of rain fell. no kidding. lasted only a minute.
then i fell asleep. wahahahaha.
must have been a sign.
should i keep my fingers crossed..?

counting sheep

i don't know who the stupid jerk was who said counting sheep will make you fall asleep.. but if i did, i'd tell him one thing: IT DOESN'T WORK!! the sheep counting thing simply doesn't work.

maybe sheep aren't boring enough. or maybe counting makes you think even more.. hence causing you to lose more sleep. i don't know. but right now, *nothing* seems to make me fall asleep. not exhaustion. not music. not sadness. not boredom. and certainly not ovines jumping over imaginary fences.

crap. more ramblings from a sleep-deprived gal. oh well.

waiting for the rain to fall

i do not need your silence
i don't need you to give me space
what i want.. is to be in your embrace
and not to sit waiting by your fence

give me a reason not to leave..
give me just one good reason to smile
make me happy, even for just a while
'coz i no longer know what to believe..

grey matter

ok, the contents of my grey matter are mostly.. uh.. well.. grey :p

i finished watching the first two seasons of "grey's anatomy" on dvd. and yes.. i finished it in record time. i couldn't help it. that darned tv series is just sooooo addictive. it isn't just that i like the main characters and the plots (ok, i'm really a sucker for shows set in a hospital. go figure). but the quotes are just so.. well.. GREAT!!

whoever writes these things.. damn.. i wish i could be that guy/gal.

anyway, i'm posting some quotes that i can *really* identify with. hmm. maybe i'll use some of these to write some future articles, wahahaha.

meantime, hope you enjoy what i posted here..


Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness. The random pain, the normal pains we live with every day. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of the world fade away... until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it. And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time, pain can be managed, but sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. It's way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain. You just have to fight through because, the truth is, you can't outrun it. And life always makes more.

* * *

I had an aunt, who, whenever she poured anything for you, would say, "Say when." My aunt would say, "Say when," and, of course, we never did. We don't say, "When," because there's something about the possibility of "more." More tequila, more love, more anything. More is better.

There's something to be said about "glass half full." About knowing when to say, "when." I think it's a floating line, a barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual and it depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times, there's no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless. And all we want... is more.

* * *

The key to surviving... is denial. We deny that we're tired. We deny that we're scared. We deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much, that after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial and face the world head on, guns blazing. Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

* * *

Whoever said, "what you don't know can't hurt you," was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing... is the worst feeling in the world.

As surgeons, we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark, there may be fear, but there's also hope

* * *

In eighth grade, my English class had to read Romeo and Juliet. Then for extra credit, Mrs. Schneider made us act out all the parts. As fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous, but I had a slightly different take. I told Mrs. Schneider that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls for the one guy she knows she can't have, then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Mrs. Schneider explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13, it was very clear to me that love, like life, is about making choices. And fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it's so romantic -- Romeo and Juliet, true love -- how sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall in love with the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and fall asleep in a mausoleum, she deserved whatever she got.

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while, and then their time passed. If they could have known that before hand, maybe it all would have been okay. I told Schneider that when I grew up, I would take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Schneider said that I would be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion for someone and that if I did, we would be together forever. Even now, I believe that, for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time. And sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.

* * *

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing... is reason enough to celebrate.

my new friend

this is my new friend, angelica :p she's quirky, wacky, kinda weird (haha.. just see the picture!) and speaks her "slang" english in a sing-song voice :) hahaha. we hit it off quite well yesterday at the prayer meeting. towards the end of the meeting, she was hugging me, asking me to bounce her up and down on my knee (though she is quite heavy!) and giving me loud kisses on the cheek :p ahhhh.. the sweet innocence of children.. :p

i suppose that's the reason why kids can get away with practically anything. they're honest and have little or no inhibitions. what you see is what you get. no ulterior motives. it's easy to accept affection from them 'coz you know that there are no strings attached. you know that when they're sweet to you, it's because they *like* you. not because they're asking for something in return. not because they're going to need you to do them a favor.

when kids ignore you, it isn't such a big deal, either. you *know* that when they don't pay attention to you, it's nothing personal. you can ask them outright if they like you and they'll answer truthfully (ok, sometimes you don't even need to ask at all). by their brutal frankness, you'll know if you're too loud, too corny, too boring or too smelly. yep.. as generous as they are with their affection, kids dish out *lots* of truths that at times we don't want to admit.. but are better of hearing anyway.

*sigh* i need to be around kids more often..

don't forget to remember me

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" - semisonic

it happened exactly one year ago. august 16, 2005. it was the day i officially became "single" again after four years into a relationship. it was the end of one phase of my life.. and the start of another.

i started writing articles for the newsletter a few weeks after the breakup. at first, i wrote because it was a form of "therapy" for me - a way to organize my thoughts and feelings. for quite a while, all i could write about was my heartbreak and my loss. it was difficult to see the blessings.. and it was always a struggle to find something to be grateful for.

but by the Lord’s grace, bit by bit, i felt my heart healing. soon, i found myself able to smile.. to laugh.. to hope.. and to love myself again.

it's been an eventful year. sure, there were painful moments. but there were abundant blessings as well: the love of family.. the comfort of friends.. the joy of worship and service.. the privilege of sharing God's Word with others.. the renewed friendship with my ex (yup.. we're good friends now, hehe).. the rush of new adventures, new experiences and new friends.. and so much more.

new beginnings. most of the time, when we go through bad times, we only look at what we've lost. but the saying is true.. "when god closes a door, he opens a window." we never really run out of opportunities to change.. to grow.. to improve. it certainly may not seem to be the case while we're going through the heartache.. but after a while, we realize that we have to say goodbye to the old before we can say hello to the new.

so today i celebrate my first "anniversary" ü let me share with you a verse that really gave me comfort during my darkest moments:

"can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? even these may forget, but i will not forget you. behold, i have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.." (is 49:15-16)

yes, i am single.. but i am not "loveless." i love and am loved in return. i am remembered.. never to be forgotten.

ahhhh.. it's been a wonderful year. i'm looking forward to the next 365 days.. ü

C13 H21 O2 N2 Cl

why do i remember when i want to forget?
why do i keep doing things i might regret?
why is it that logic can no longer explain?
i need an anesthetic for my brain

why does hurt and sorrow remain?
why is there still a stab of pain?
why is it still difficult to not be a part?
i need an anesthetic for my heart

why am i changing so fast, so soon?
why do i act like i'm such a loon?
why do i hurt like i'm stabbed with a knife?
i need an anesthetic for life

the road not taken

sometimes i think about the choices i've made in my life. it's quite scary to realize that a lot of times, we cannot undo our past mistakes. we make our decisions.. and more often than not, there's no turning back. we simply have to live with the consequences.

the road less travelled certainly appealed to me. still.. i cannot help but wonder where the road not taken would have led..

The Road Not Taken Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

current mood

my current blogpost. just some of those "heartbreaking" quotes that i have stored in my phone. hahahaha. nice tripping :p

"sometimes i have to give up on loving someone who doesn't love me back. not because i start to feel i'm hopeless... but because i run out of reasons to fight for what i really feel..."

"i want to know where i failed. i want to know where i sinned. coz i don't want to ever feel this way again. was the wanting too deep? did it block your sun? where do i go now that i'm down to one"

"you eased the pain when i faked the wound. you calmed me down when i faked the mood. you were instantly there when i faked the call. but why didn't you catch me? i didn't fake the fall.."

"me and you what's going on? all we seem to know is how to show the feelings that are wrong."

"all our lives we search for someone who makes us complete. we choose partners and change partners. we dance the song of heartbreak and hope all the while, wondering if somewhere, somehow, there is someone searching for us."