missing A & Z :(

my soulmate is in hiding today. i don't know why. but i don't really want to bug her into telling me. 'coz i know that there are moments when you just want to be alone. when you don't want others - even your closest friends - to keep in touch with you. i respect that. so i'm leaving her alone.

i have to admit, though.. the day feels kinda weird. my phone's been unusually quiet. no text messages. no sad quotes. no corny jokes. no "hey are you there" queries. hmmm. somehow the day just doesn't seem right :(

i'm not used to missing my soulmate. i guess it's because we're so alike that being with each other is like being with ourselves. today, though.. well.. today feels like i'm missing my "insanely weird" side. truth to tell.. this day, i felt so.. "normal" that i almost didn't recognize myself. *sigh*

i hope soulmate gets back to "normal" (read: extremely weird.. unusual.. bitchy.. opinionated.. "okray queen".. etc.) soon. i may not be missing her desperately; but not having her around certainly makes a lot of things seem so bland :(

pityur pityur!!!

nancy sent me these pictures taken last 18 june 2006.
our choir had a pictorial for our upcoming christmas album ü
check out these photos.. hahaha ü

don't we all look so happy? :)
well natch! haha.. just looking at these pix, i know i am üüü

(haha.. forever talagang patawa ang mga soprano :p)

(hmm.. naiba 'ata ang kulay ni allan..?!)

sumali na rin sa basses si boss rannie :p

haha.. mukhang payat ako dito sa picture ü

mga maria clara kunwari wahehehe :p

naks! mga gwaping.. DAW :p

all smiles ang sopranos! ü

mga kagalang-galang kuno.. hehehe :p

scary

guess what this picture is.

it's a picture of a.. NIGHT MARE! hahaha.

yeah well. if mine were a living, breathing entity, it probably would look like this. only darker.. and bigger. but it wouldn't be scary. it would be sad. extremely sad.. :(

the color of my month is blue. a deep, deep shade of blue that's almost black.

but the colors for my day are black and red. a very very dark black.. and a very very bright bloody red. hahahahaha >:)

some blog post this is turning out to be..

rainless but full of rain

i was wishing soooo desperately for a storm to come today. unfortunately, the sun's out and the sky is clear of any dark clouds. damn. now classes are not suspended.. and i have to teach this afternoon.. so i can't go to the pope's day celebration at the manila cathedral :( darnit. and i was really looking forward to that event :(

right now i feel like that cartoon character with this small raincloud following him wherever he goes. well, i suppose that would mean that i'm always happy.. coz i love the rain.. hehe. but no.. i feel quite glum today. i'm not where i want to be. and i'm going to be doing things that i'd rather not. *sigh* welcome to the real world..

it's probably time for me to grow up and get a *real* life.

why won't it rain on me? why does it always rain on me?

it would have been the 5th

at night she spreads her wings
she dreams of bigger things
she floats above the town
she sings without a sound
she can be anywhere at all
she can be anyone at all
a glow and then a shine
what she hoped she would find tonight, tonight
she's got a picture in her mind
she can be anyone at all
at night she changed her mind
she left the world behind



i found this angel picture a week ago and sort of fell in love with it. then two nights ago i saw these lyrics.. and knew i'd have to post them sometime in this blog. well, today's as good a day as any to post them.. so here. instant blog post.

exactly a year ago, i was sooo in love and happy (for a trip down memory lane, see my 26 june 2005 entry). now, 365 days later, i'm still in love. still quite happy. but so drastically different. i don't know if it's a good thing or not. all i know is i'm a changed person.

no, i'm not feeling particularly sad. not today. nine months ago, though, i thought i wouldn't live to see this day. but here i am.. still alive and kicking. still able to smile. still able to do the same things i used to do. and probably more.

it would have been the fifth. but it would have been a lie. yup, it's certainly better this way. 'coz while the truth may hurt.. it always sets you free. somewhat.

no regrets. not then.. not now.

nice ;-)

i went bowling with some of the rivers youth members after mass this morning. friends sanny and dyanne convinced me to go. too bad soulmate A refused to bowl with us, tsk tsk :( oh well. in spite of my terrible score (darnit.. i got only 67 - the lowest in our team! sheesh..), i had a fun time. it isn't everyday that i get to hang out with other people hehe :p

* * *

i like this picture. a heart made out of blue flame. wow ;-) it's cool and hot at the same time. kinda describes the way i feel, really. hahaha. indescribable. right. i'm high and i'm low. i'm crazily sane. well. what can i say?! from A to Z.. everything surrounding me seems to drive me nuts :p

one of these sentences is false

practically anyone with a cellphone or PC would recognize the logo on the right. yup. the ever-famous "bluetooth" icon. hmm.. have you ever wondered why it's called that? i've asked so many people.. but no one's been able to answer me. oh well.

anyway, it's amazing how technology works nowadays. with a simple push of a button.. or a click of the mouse.. and you'd be able to transfer info from one PC to another (or one cellphone to another). there's no need for physical contact. just brains that understand how to operate the correct devices (and fingers to actually press the keypads/buttons). hahaha.

so.. wanna keep in touch? have a picture you'd like to share with me? pwede namang ipadala 'yan by bluetooth/MMS/email di ba? :p bwahahahaha. ain't technology grand?! :p

* * *

I am worth $1,847,554 on HumanForSale.com

all i really want..

And in the middle of everyone I still find myself with my thoughts alone And in the middle of all the noise Look around myself at the shining toys that I don’t need.. I don’t need.. I don’t really need

In this world I can see Many billions waiting in the sun So I’d love to believe There’d be one of us for everyone.. One of us for everyone Enough to go around But that’s not what I’ve found

- semisonic (one true love)

soulmate A lent me her semisonic CD last week. was able to listen to it only last night. i'm glad i did, though. as usual.. the song lyrics say what i want to oh so well.

after everything that's been happening to me this past week, i feel so emotionally drained. it's a wonder i'm able to do anything productive at all. i guess i should be grateful - at least i'm coping a lot better than i expected. i'm more or less functional - even if most times i feel like i'm just going through the motions.

(and all through the party i want to leave all alone with one true love.. all of the lights are shining on me but all i want is one true love..)

like i said before, i hate waiting. and i don't just mean waiting for that "special someone." i hate waiting for anything. i get so uncomfortable whenever circumstances prevent me from making decisions. i thought i already knew what i wanted - but now i have to wait 'til july for that darned committee decision. i suppose the only good thing i can expect from all this is that at least i'm guaranteed a year's stay where i am. no immediate changes. nothing that will violently rock my boat any further. *sigh* well, they say you should be thankful for all blessings, great or small.. so that's what i'm trying to do. still, it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

(all of my life i've just wanted to be all alone with one true love.. every day and night to be on my own with one true love..)

*sigh* why is it always so hard to get that ONE thing that you really, really want?!

stars are falling

i got this wonderful piece from my usual source of great quotes and literary stuff - soulmate A :p like her, i love neil gaiman.. umm, his works, that is [though admittedly, neil really is cool and hot at the same time, hahahaha]

read on.. and see what makes this guy so great.

*sigh* i'm in *that* mood again.. :(

Nightfall
by Neil Gaiman

Half-remembered lines of Shakespeare --
change of times and states and crystal tresses --
and Pepys, going out with his wife to see the comet,
and afterward the plague,
and then the fire.

I always wondered how they noticed comets,
after all, the sky is filled with stars
and planets, and I've never quite been able
to tell the two apart, see which was which.
And why did comets scare them so?
Stars fall, Which is much worse,
But that does not make us fear that wars will come,
and fires and plagues will come,
established things be overturned and new things come
-- and new things are never comfortable things.

So I walk down to the woods, and stare up
at the night. So many stars.

But only one comet, obvious, and perfect and precise,
its tail a ghost and white against the night.
On seeing it, I understand at last.
And shiver,
for the change that's always coming.

burning candle

it feels weird waking up today. i get up from bed in a daze.. stand up.. and immediately, the room starts spinning round. i'm feeling weak.. like a candle that's slowly melting away.

i just read soulmate A's latest blogpost. it was great.. full of those wonderfully heartbreaking lyrics and quotes that she shared with me yesterday. at the same time, though, it was kinda sad reading her blog entry.. 'coz i know firsthand just what she means :( hmmm. kaya nga soulmates eh. we practically mirror each other's lives. sheesh.

anyway, i'm wishing for less darkness. i hope the candle burns for a long, long time.. at least, enough time to spread around more light and warmth.

where angels fear to tread

i love this picture. like i said in previous posts, lately i've been fascinated with dark angels. i don't know why.. i just am.

anyway, recently, i've been going through some sort-of-tough times. not enough to cause a nervous breakdown.. but still bad enough to dampen my days in major ways. i just thank God that somehow i'm better able to cope.

at the moment, all i want is an escape. my own fantasy world. it's tempting. very tempting. but i don't know.. i'm not sure i want to go where angels fear to tread..

V for Victory

“I heard about His healing,
Of His cleansing pow'r revealing.
How He made the lame to walk again
And caused the blind to see;
And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,"
And somehow Jesus came and bro't
To me the victory.”

(Victory in Jesus)

failing health. money problems. breakups. loss of a job. death in the family. many of our brothers and sisters in the community are going through some tough times right now. some are afraid. some are confused. some are lonely. and some do not know what to do.

yet we see them every wednesday, worshipping and serving with us during prayer meetings. they, who need healing, intercede for others who are sick. they, who have so little, lovingly give their tithes. they, who have been hurt, give comfort to those who are hurting. in spite of the trials and tests of faith that they are experiencing, these brothers and sisters continue to offer their time, talents and treasures to the Lord. in their weakness, our brethren still give their all in their service.

the question is.. WHY?!

don’t get me wrong. being in ministry service is great. it is truly a privilege and an honor. but it is no bed of roses either. serving in the community means that you’d have to go beyond yourself in order to minister to others. it means offering your own sacrifices.. whenever.. wherever. it is no easy task. and for someone who is hurting.. or whose faith is wavering.. sometimes it could be quite difficult.

in colossians, we see paul the apostle imprisoned.. in chains.. and yet still able to minister to his brothers in the church through his letters. he spread God’s love and mercy.. and became an even more effective witness to the power of God’s grace. the Lord was able to use paul’s affliction and persecution for His greater glory. even though his body was in chains, paul’s spirit was free.

and that, i think, is why we all continue to minister to others. the privilege of serving the Lord is not given only to those who are strong, able and problem-free. the honor is greater for those who are more earnest in seeking Him.. who are more desperate in clinging to Him.. despite the odds. because strength and victory come from the Lord. in the end, even our ability to worship and thank God is a gift from Him. and those who have experienced much sorrow, affliction and trials, know this fact not just intellectually.. but by heart.

friend, if, at this time, everything seems to be going well for you, thank the Lord. but when time comes that you experience your own test of faith, thank Him even more. because then, He will show you how He moves mountains and parts seas.. just to let you experience the victory that only Jesus can give ü

* * *

this is the article i wrote for tonight's newsletter. just thought i'd post it here. a sort of happy/encouraging post for a change, hehehe :p

stars

"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home…"

got this quote from soulmate A. i just find it really comforting. that's why i'm posting it here :)

wings

There is a fable about the way birds first got their wings. The story goes that initially they were made without them. Then God made the wings, set them down before the wingless birds, and said to them, "Take up these burdens and carry them."

The birds had sweet voices for singing, and lovely feathers that glistened in the sunshine, but they could not soar in the air. When asked to pick up the burdens that lay at their feet, they hesitated at first. Yet soon they obeyed, picked up the wings with their beaks, and set them on their shoulders to carry them.

For a short time the load seemed heavy and difficult to bear, but soon, as they continued to carry the burden and to fold the wings over their hearts, the wings grew attached to their little bodies.
They quickly discovered how to use them and were lifted by the wings high into the air. The weights had become wings.

This is a parable for us. We are the wingless birds, and our duties and tasks are the wings God uses to lift us up and carry us heavenward. We look at our burdens and heavy loads, and try to run from them, but if we will carry them and tie them to our hearts, they will become wings. And on them we can then rise and soar toward God.

There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry
a load is to miss the new opportunity for growth.

No matter how overwhelming, any burden God has lovingly placed with His own hands on our shoulders is a blessing.

* * *

i am posting this inspirational thought because i think i really needed to read that today. too tired to elaborate. suffice it to say that i need wings. badly.

sharing my dad

“becoming a father isn't difficult, but it's very difficult to be a father.” - wilhelm busch

some men are wonderful providers for their families. others can be counted on to do the “rough jobs” in the house. some guys are thoughtful and sweet. others give great advice. some are God-fearing and full of wisdom. still, there are some men who exude warmth and generosity.. and there are those whose character enable them to become great leaders.

while it may be no mean feat to find someone who falls into one of the above-mentioned categories, it is *extremely* difficult to find a man who has all the qualities i just listed. that’s why i believe that God really listens to my mom’s prayers. she’s so lucky - the Lord gave her my dad for a husband! :-)

my dad got married at the age of 23. a year later, i was born. even at that young age, my dad already showed maturity and responsibility. everyone - from my grandparents to my uncles and aunts to my older cousins - admired and respected my dad. not only that.. but they also felt a genuine and natural affection for him. family members (though most of them were older than he was) would always go to him for advice. my teenage cousins would turn to him whenever they had problems - whether it was about school, lovelife, or parents.

thus, even though i was an only child, i grew up “sharing” my dad with almost everyone else. because he was so “in demand” in our family (and even at school - my friends loved to eat the extra sandwiches he would prepare for me), i got used to the fact that a lot of people looked up to my dad as their “father” as well. but in spite of this, i never felt neglected. i never felt that i was second best. because no matter how busy he was.. no matter who he was talking to.. or what he was doing.. dad would *always* have time for me. he never made me feel like he had to squeeze me into his schedule. he never made me feel like i was bothering him. nope. with dad, i always knew.. not only was my company welcome.. it was joyfully anticipated :-)

i could go on and on about all the wonderful things my dad did for me these past 29 years: waking me up every schoolday; teaching me to read; packing my lunches; bringing me to and fetching me from school; preparing “treasure hunts” during special occasions; driving me to choir practices and concerts; helping me with my homework; talking to me about anything and everything under the sun (no subject is ever “taboo” with dad, you know ü); giving great advice; being a trusted confidante and shoulder to cry on.. etc. etc. yup, i could come up with at least a hundred more reasons why i’m grateful for my dad - but it would be pointless to do so in this limited space.

so i’ll just say this: i see my dad truly as my Dad’s earthly counterpart. through him, i am able to know Him more. that’s why i really thank the Lord for giving me a father who mirrors His love.. His goodness.. His generosity.. His mercy.. so well ü

fathers - they really are God’s gifts to us. and i’m so thankful that i got the best ü happy father’s day, daddy ü

my thoughts turn to angels

"All I want is for your love to be all mine
But the angels won't have it
All I want is just a little peace of mind
But the angels won't have it
I thought I had a piece of my soul left to sell
I guess it's just as well
'Cause the angels won't have it"

(the angels - melissa etheridge)

i don't know why, but my thoughts turn to angels right now. not the usual angels you see in pictures, though. but beautiful, dark ones. for some weird, unknown reason, i feel so related to them. hey, i'm definitely no angel.. but that's how i feel. go figure.

i want to fly. i don't know how.. and i don't think it's something mortals are allowed to learn (at least not in this lifetime). nevertheless, i still want to fly. i really do. even though i know it's not possible.. i know someday soon, i'll be able to.

nice prayer

friend pauline posted this at her friendster blog.. and i just *had* to post it here as well. it's a wonderful prayer. and honestly, as i was reading it, it felt as if i could pray along with her.

no, maybe i'm not ready to actually pray this. not *yet* anyway. but i'm keeping it here.. so that when i'm ready.. i'll know what to say..

* * *

To the one I'm praying for:

Thank you for showing me, a jaded romantic fresh out of a relationship gone awfully sour, that I don't have to be bitter about love, and I don't have to close my heart off to emotions that have hurt me before.

I see in you all the traits and characteristics I have been asking God for in a boyfriend and potential spouse: the intelligence, the talent, the maturity, the Godliness, the sweetness, the passion and even a little bit of the looks. Hehe.

You have shown me that there could be someone better for me than the ones I only settled for, and that there are men like you who really know to treat a girl with gentleness, respect and affection. I wish I had found you sooner and spared myself the pain of being with Mr. Wrong, but I also know that seeing his "wrongness" makes you seem all the more right.

You have kept me from barricading my heart off and withdrawing into a world of "I don't want love" philosophies.

Best of all, you've started me off again hoping, daydreaming, writing poetry, humming love songs and thinking happy thoughts about someone all day long, something I haven't done in awhile.

At this point, it does not yet matter whether or not God will give you to me. I thank Him already that you have cushioned the blow of a broken relationship. So whatever His will may be for us, I'm just glad and grateful that I know you, and hopefully we can become better friends so that I can get to know you better.

It may not even be God's will for you to find out how I feel about you, but nonetheless, I write this with a prayer that somehow, someday, you'll know...


Love always,

pauline

still beautiful

"who will see the beauty in your eyes? who will be there to hear you when you call? who will see the madness in your life? and who will be there to catch you if you fall?"

i like this picture. who ever said that angels always have to be white?

black still is beautiful

i <3 house

"it is possible to believe in something and still fail to live up to it" - wilson in House season 2

just one of the numerous quotable quotes i managed to pick up in my favorite series :)

house has kept me quite sane for the past week. don't know what i would have done without him. really :)

awwww. i just love greg hahahaha.

4 Z

COULD WE
Gary V & Zsa Zsa Padilla

i still wanna see you
i still wanna be with you alone at night
i still wanna hold you
i still wanna feel the love that felt so right

'coz after all this time
with all that's on my mind
'til now you're still the biggest part of me
i still believe between you and i
there is still enough to be

if i can remember
you were the one who wanted to end it all
time has made me strong
now i wish you'd leave before you make me fall

but after all this time
with all that's on my mind
'til now you're still so much a part of me
but i can't believe between you and i
there is still love to burn

chorus
could we have been so wrong
maybe we should have just held on
why do our hearts feel the way they do
if we don't love each other anymore

why fool ourselves some more
let's end this crazy war
i feel it's time, i know it's now
let's start again.. could we?

we're back where we started
how can i be sure you won't walk away no more?
i've done enough of crying
just waiting for you to walk back in through that door

and after all this time
with all that's on my mind
'til now you're still so much a part of me
and i still believe between you and i
there is still love to burn i know there's till love to burn

chorus

come let's reach for the sky
(never wanna hear you say goodbye)
i promise to stay coz now i know
(i'm glad that not some time ago)
i loved you (do you)
i miss you (should we)
give it all away
can't you see i've opened my eyes
and realized that you're the one for me

chorus