cold

as far back as i can remember, i have had a natural preference for cold things. take, for instance, my love for rainy weather.. ice cold drinks.. ice cream.. and air conditioned rooms.

so maybe this is why i have been attracting cold people in my life. oh.. not *all* of my friends are. i have some really warm-hearted pals.. those who are quick to give a hug or a peck on the cheek. but somehow, it's those cold-shoulder people that i'm drawn to. i don't know if i'm just being masochistic or what.. but that's just what happens.

i wonder if i'm turning cold-hearted now. part of me hopes not. but part of me is wishing for it.

the cold numbs pain, you know..

her bitchy daughter

happy ____th birthday mom :p

wow. my bitchiness could not have come at a more inopportune time. but once again, i could not curb my unusually hot temper. yes, the weather sure raises the blood pressure, but that's no excuse. *sigh* i really should be more patient and more cheerful. especially since it's mom's special day today.. :(

there are advantages to having a (mainly) one-tracked mind - you get to concentrate more, you're able to do things quickly, you plan meticulously, etc. in spite of numerous distractions, a focused mind is able to center on the *one thing* that's important.. and keep everything else in the sideline.

but right now, i'm cursing the fact that i've been blessed with such a brain. *sigh* because now, no matter how i try to distract myself.. or make myself busy.. my mind refuses to concentrate on my 'distractions' (duh.. distractions nga e - ibig sabihin di ka talaga magfofocus dun. bobooo..). it always goes back to.. well.. where i don't want it to go :(

damn. why is it so difficult to forget? and why is it that my innate stubbornness does not work when it comes to that particular person..? logical naman ako mag-isip ah.. rational. pero pagdating sa kanya.. wala. nagiging tanga talaga. hahaha. sarap iuntog ang ulo ko sa pader, promise.

visine does not work

i hate looking at the mirror these past few days. i don't like my eyes. they look.. dead :(

there's something terribly unhealthy about chronic pretending. but at times, it just can't be helped. *sigh* i hate feeling this way. but the one thing i hate more than this feeling is spreading the feeling to my friends. so no.. i would not be all weepy in front of them. especially not when they're so happy. but dammit, it's really hard to keep up the front.

and sure.. i'd like everyone else to think the meeting caused my red eyes. or maybe the eye strain. or the sleep deprivation. hahaha. but what the hell. who am i kidding, anyway?! i know why i've been shunning all reflective surfaces lately. and yeah, he probably knows it too.

this is just terrible. but as they say, that which is truly valuable is worth fighting for.

no, he's not. but i am. and this time, i'm determined to fight for me.. since no one else will..

i'm okay

it's weird trying to view your heart from the outside.

you *know* something's happening. you don't literally see it.. but you feel it.

no matter how you try to ignore it - by keeping busy or distracting yourself - you can't deny the fact that *something* is changing inside you. and you feel powerless to stop it.

i'm feeling it now.

and i don't know whether i should feel happy or sad.

all i know is.. i'm afraid.

damn. i hate change..

ecclesiastes 1:2

waw. happy easter talaga. note the sarcasm?! yeah. woot. what a terribly wonderful day (at kung di mo napansin, oxymoron yun)

mabuti na lang at eksperto na ako sa larangan ng pag-arte. oo. pag-arte. di ba halata sa mga piktyur sa itaas?

pasko ng pagkabuhay ngayon. aba. kailangang nakangiti. kailangang maaliwalas ang mukha. kailangan maging masaya... kahit na pagpapanggap lang ito.

hayyy. nakakapagod talaga. for the nth time.. i'm going to say it.. i'm so damned tired of it all.

but it seems i'm not exhausted enough. damn it.

read the verse. i agree with the writer 100%

vanity of vanities. putcha. wala namang patutunguhan ang lahat..

schadenfraude

crispy seaweed. yumyum.

i've been addicted to this snack for the past week XP

i'm grateful to wcd for introducing me to this, hahaha. it's kept me company.. and given me comfort during the most boring times of the past days hahaha

there's something about munching on those green weeds that just takes the stress away. i could eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.. and i wouldn't mind. it's flavorful.. healthy (supposedly).. easy to eat/digest.. and unconventional. the perfect food, nyahahahaha XP

anyway. it's the lenten season. but to be perfectly honest, i do not feel the least bit holy. *sigh*

masochist-turned-semi-sadist. sheesh.

i need more nori..

boredom knows no limits

nyahahaha.. boredom to the nth level..

no. i do NOT have a book on sexual adventures, ok?! and hell, i do NOT have a boyfriend (ilang taon nang wala!! hahaha)

but i am B-O-R-E-D. very.

i did enjoy the lenten specials on tv, though (uyy.. panahon ng ispiritwalidad ngayon.. hehehe) and i had fun watching avatar book 3 episodes. i even had a blast "tripping" with krisha, jandel and lizzy this afternoon hahaha.

yet i find myself here again. with my bestfriend the pc. bored XP

maybe i should get myself a boyfriend.. hahahaha :D

it doesn't feel like today

it's maundy thursday.. and (as most lenten days go) i stayed home practically the entire day.

there's not much to do here, really. just sleep.. and eat.. and watch tv.. and of course, maximize the use of unlitxt hahahaha :p

it's like time stopped. it feels like a weekend - except that it's not so busy. today feels like.. er.. a "no-day" hahaha.

i'm bored.

but for the first time, i don't really mind.. hahaha..

maybe i'll go set fire to something hahahahaha XP

holyday

lenten recollection at sm megamall
12.30 - 7.00 pm

ü 'nuff said ü

imdifferent

i'm different. yeah. i've known that for a long time. and i don't really care.

it's funny how things could change so quickly and so unexpectedly.

well, ok, it's not funny at all. but still, you have to admit.. a lot of things can be triggered by a single word.. a simple gesture.. or a short statement.

not all change is bad, i know. but being *me*.. i just have to admit..

this is one change i'm having a lot of trouble adjusting to.. :(

in spite of everything, though, i'm glad i'm different. and, just this once, i'm happy about being indifferent..

road trip

wow. talk about a day of adventure.. hahahaha XP

ok. this day certainly was jampacked with weird events. my morning was normal enough - i administered the math periodic test to the seniors from 8-9am. then i went to meet up with the pta treasurer to turn over some funds. then we had an apc meeting.

well, things started going crazy from then on. coz afterwards, i was met with a cheating incident that happened in my class. then some aliens saw my side (guys, that's not even half as scary as i could be). then to cool my head, i treated some of them to donuts (gonuts is too sweet, i think) after stopping for fuel at nasa's fave gasoline station XP

but the most unusual thing that happened today was probably our road trip. sheesh. i didn't think i'd do it.. but i did, anyway. hahaha. jewo, hindi ka na puwedeng magtampo sa kin ngayon ha.. XP that was quite an adventure. it was fun.. but still, i had a monster of a headache when i got home, hahaha.

oh well. if you ask me, it's still worth it.

ilang araw na lang naman eh.. (awwwww)

love ya liz.. jewo.. pawo.. jandel.. maki.. anjo..
(basta mahal ko lahat kayong mga taga-ibang planeta! XP)

that not-so-funny feeling

thanx again to soulmate for this pic..

for some reason, i don't feel so okay today. maybe it's the fatigue (i'm not talking about that thing you wear for cocc hahaha). or maybe.. *sigh* i dunno..

i'm just going over that talk with nf the other day. hahaha. weird. 'coz after that, i felt.. different. i'm starting to hope. and i'm not really sure if that's a good thing..

it's been a while since i've been zombie-ish. well.. what can i say? i do have a lot of stuff going on in my head right now. and i'm not talking romance or anything. it's.. hmm.. kinda hard to explain. haha. even i can't organize my thoughts this time.

which is weird.. coz i think this is the first time in a looooong time that my head's cleared up this much..

ambivalence

if forever is anything like this, then all i can say is..
ETERNITY SUCKS

the last (lost) day

the day started quite well - with a surprise gift from jd XP hahaha. wow. i surely wasn't expecting that. hahaha. thanks so much for bringing a smile to my face in school this morning :D


this is the last day of (regular) classes for oeyt :) hmm. i suppose it's a happy/wistful day. time surely flies when you're enjoying yourself. and in my case, i'm feeling like everything's happening in the speed of light. tsk tsk. only a month to go before graduation..

so here's another "picture post" for saving up some memories..


it was fun spending the "last" day with aliens & friends. diosa taught us a semi-nerdy vocabulary game, hahaha. that was a blast XP i would've wanted to play cards.. but at the time, that wasn't on the forefront of my mind. still, it sure was fun to just hang out and enjoy each other's company :)

the katipunan trip didn't quite push through - mostly 'coz nobody really had any idea when or where to go (yup.. in typical nasaean fashion). so before we knew it, "hot dude" had to go home already hahaha. oh well. maybe next time.. :p

the (school)day ended on a more sentimental mood (for me, at least). i had a (sort of) heart to heart talk with nf this afternoon. and that *really* cleared my head. if you're reading this.. *THANKS* you have no idea how much that helped me sort things through.. :D

somehow, i'm left thinking that this isn't really the last day.

i hope this time i am right, for a change..

one fine day

today, we had the recognition ceremony for the 7-10 students. all i can say about it is.. WOW XP

i'm not ashamed to admit it. hanga ako sa mga estudyante ng upis :) i was especially inspired by the speech given by joyce (woohooo!! sabi na't di kami nagkamali sa pagpili sa 'yo bilang *model* student XP) mahal ko ang '08. sobra :D

it's a given - i am going to miss these guys when they graduate (awwwww). i think i realized that these past weeks.. when ice gave me a hug (hey, no pic?!).. when i spilled out my frustrations and other rants to nf.. when admin blew me kisses (muah!).. when xerox came up with "thursdays with woxie" and apol (and co.) tagged along.. when jewo (literally) left his marks on me.. etc. etc.

and this afternoon, it just dawned on me: what would upis life be without aliens..?

tsk tsk. it's not such a welcome thought. right, liz? :(

my just desserts

this is me today.
actually, this is me since.. er.. well, since last week, i guess. or even before that.
*sigh*
i am so close to snapping.
but no one really notices.
not that i'd want anyone to see, really.
but it is a fact.
no one really sees me.
and i guess it's just as well.
'coz if they did see behind the smiles and the happy face i put on..
they probably would keep their distance.
that would be the *sane* thing to do.
but yes, this is me.
and i have a good and valid reason to be this way at the moment.
dammit. i hate not knowing.
and the only thing i hate more than *not* knowing is finding out that what i'm afraid of is really true.. :'(

lurking

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* * *

i don't know why i'm feeling this way today. or rather.. i don't know why i'm NOT feeling anything today.

i don't really care anymore. i'm tired. so very tired of pretending..

super power

"i contain a factory for making my own prison" - writer of this comic

i'm just reminded of a conversation i had with nf about superpowers (oh, you know.. how "china" is one, hahahaha).

*sigh* i'm here in school right now and for some (yet) unknown reason i'm feeling down. near-depressed. but not emo haha xp

i'd have to agree with this strip. if i were made to choose between any number of superpowers and escape.. hands down, i'd choose escape.

that is, unless world domination was part of the list.. XP

defying logic & reason

tonight i told wcd a simple statement that started a really long (and semi-winded) debate that went something like this:

waw: alam mo, isa sa mga paboritong number ko ang 0.99 bar (that's a decimal point followed by infinitely many 9's)

wcd: huh? bakit naman?

waw: 'coz i find it really interesting that 0.99 bar is *exactly* equal to 1

wcd: 'di ba approximately 1 lang un? kasi it only approaches 1 but it won't really reach 1 because there will always be that teeny tiny gap..

waw: nope. 0.99 bar is not an approximation of 1. it IS 1 (sabay smile na nakakaloko)

hahaha. well.. that went on for quite a while. until i managed to convince him that i wasn't pulling his leg :p nyahaha. i don't blame his confusion. the idea of infinity tends to have that effect on people (and aliens too) hahaha xp

infinity.. and beyond.

wow. just like 0.99 bar, this thing is defying all my logic and reason..

Something's Missing

this is a picture of a celphone.
no, it is *not* mine.
it belongs to my vampire friend..
..who also happens to be very good at making my days more.. er.. "interestingly inconvenient" haha xp
anyway, like i told you.. i promise you'll have this back by monday :p

* * *

i've caught myself in a pensive mood so many times these past days. my subconscious self is already screaming for me to pay attention to it, but so far i think i've succeeded in muffling its voice.

liz said if you continue to actively deny something, you will eventually forget it. hmm. i don't know. i've been actively denying something for the longest time. how come i still haven't forgotten..?!

maybe the more you try to forget, the more you remember.

they really should invent a gadget for erasing memories.




this afternoon, i and the family (read: the three of us + tito efren & tita amy) went up to antipolo to go to mr. tan's vacation house. it was quite an adventure coz we got lost along the way (haha.. i kept thinking about my alien friends.. and how they'd probably enjoy the trip as much as i did. they are the types who wouldn't mind getting lost :p) we arrived at their place almost an hour late, hahaha.

the party started with a mass (well.. the bday celebrator is a regular churchgoer :p). turns out that the mass celebrant also presided over the funeral mass of our relative (held this afternoon in bulacan). small world :p

loved the food! lechon (yumyum!).. soup.. chicken.. salad.. mmm hmmmm!!! hahahaha. i *especially* liked the giant mallows that we could dip in the chocolate fountain. haha. there's no denying the kid in me :p

anyway. t'was a fine, fine day.

i hope the rest of the YEAR gives me a break from all stress..

it doesn't matter

there's one word for this day: exhausting

it's not that i've been overly busy - though the sked is quite packed. i had a lot of free time today, actually. i think what really made me feel tired today is a particular realization..

i do not belong.

no.. this is NOT an emo post. that statement is not a pitying remark. it is simply a statement of fact.

i've always known that i am.. erm.. "different" from most people. even though i am often "invisible," whenever i make my presence felt, i make people notice me too much. i don't know, but it's as if i always draw strong reactions from people. either they *really* like me.. or they *really* don't. there's no middle ground. and maybe that's why most of the time, i would rather be invisible.. unseen. 'coz sometimes i think i'd prefer them to be indifferent towards me. no one wants to be despised, after all..

friend carolle dropped by today and brought jelly beans. wow. that sort of made my day.. although i did feel a bit guilty for not going out for coffee. i dunno. i just didn't want to be away from school at that time. i was too.. er.. highstrung and paranoid. so i kinda deprived her of her caffeine fix.. and a few hundred calories worth of lunch (sorry, dude.. i owe you). i loved the jellies, though. and to sort of atone for my selfishness to my favorite ingenue, i decided to let paupau have the much-sought-after berry-flavored bean. but of course, i just *had* to take a picture of it - for posterity, hahaha.

well.. after such a day, i just wasn't in a great mood for anything. i skipped choir prax and decided to just go home (after the "clown car" adventure with liz, wosa, apol, maki, geia, cao, asia and jandel). it's a good thing i was able to grab some endorphins before heading home, haha. thanx guys. too bad i didn't get to snap up a shot of the adventure for posterity :p maybe next time. IF there ever will be a next time, nyahahaha.. xp

darn. i miss + bleep + :( but in the end.. it doesn't really matter. not at all..

a corn-ucopia of events

i just *had* to take a picture of this nyahahaha. i love the weird, wacky corn faces :p

so. about this day..

you know what they say about how you have to enjoy your happiness while it lasts? haha. that's good advice. *really* good advice. you should take it.

yesterday was a great day for me (i won't consider the evening anymore - i sort of learned to discount those moments a long time ag0). today, though, is a different thing altogether.

wyjel is coding on thursdays, so i couldn't come to school before 10am. as it turns out, the HS group had a rehearsal for next week's recognition day.. and ma'am rach forgot to inform me about it. no biggie, really.. except that.. well, things like this almost always happen to me. and i still have no scientific explanation for it (maybe i'm really just a bad luck magnet).

then there was that seemingly unending series of meetings. it wasn't so bad, really.. but i never thought sitting in one place for several hours could also be exhausting. well.. my work with mam arnie isn't over yet (heck, it's barely begun!).. and i'm not exactly looking forward to it. especially not after i got into another meeting with mr and mrs _____ immediately afterwards. *sigh* there wasn't really anything i could say to make them feel better.. though i sincerely wish i could. haha. after all that fiasco, the grade10 pta meeting turned out to be a refreshing break (imagine that??!).

one obvious downside to all this is missing my geometry class. *sigh* i bumped into my firefly kids in the corridor on my way to the office earlier.. and i couldn't help but feel guilty. after all, i promised my students i would not "give them away" this quarter. and yet here i am.. missing their class again because of our conference. *sigh* diyd, diyd..

tomorrow, we'll have another meeting. a BIG one. hmmm. i wonder what's in store for us. i hope this won't be a repeat of *that* famous meeting. sheesh. this school year is turning out to be one loooooooooong chain of unfortunate events..

oh well. at least all these things keep my mind off the issue regarding + bleep + and + bleep + bwahahaha..

poetry induces endorphins

the vocal music class had their recital today at the multi-purpose hall.
i had a lot of fun watching the show, hahaha.
i wouldn't say that all the numbers were perfectly executed..
nevertheless, this day was fun :)
thanks, guys.. for the endorphins XP

i'm not surprised

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the sleight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

guess why

Sunrays And Saturdays
Vertical Horizon

Open the window
Let the sunset in
If only for the last time
Let me see you smile again

I'll take my records
You can have your books
I'm sorry I never read them
But it says so much about us

Always trying
To make love out of care
The perfect recipe
But something wasn't there

Chorus:
Sunrays and Saturdays
Perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
And a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays and Saturdays
Friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue and a room with a view
To live the life you choose

You'll write me letters
I'll call you on the phone
A wire away from touching
And never quite alone

We'll get to know ourselves again
And we'll heal our hearts
It's not that we're bad together
We're just better off apart

Always trying
To have one and one make two
And even though it never worked
I still feel love for you

rapt around your finger

something odd happened today. well, ok, it wasn't really *that* odd. but i just found it.. er.. amusing :p

ok. the thing is.. i think i (unwittingly) made quite a number of people knit their eyebrows in confusion today. hahahaha. see, it's kinda normal for me to have wandering eyes. yes. *wandering* eyes, haha. most of the time, i have difficulty keeping my eyeballs steady. they usually like to look around.. see what's happening.. even though i don't move my head so much (i think this is one of the reasons a lot of people think i'm mataray - eye-rolling is one nasty habit of mine, bwahahaha).

so i guess the moment people see me stare blankly into space, they get puzzled, haha. i suppose they're not used to my "thinking" eyes :p that usually occurs when i happen to have an interesting thought that i want to pursue (or imagine). my eyes just kinda stop roving.. and i can look at the person i'm talking to straight in the eye (or whatever body part i happen to be looking at nyahahaha) without actually "seeing" him/her. it's like turning reality into some kind of screensaver, while your thoughts/plans/visions/whatever take center stage.

what's funny, though, is that whenever reality blurs for me, that's usually the time when i'm more aware of it. hahaha. does that make sense?! when people think i'm not thinking, that's when i am!! nyahahaha.

i think i'm going to maximize the use of my rapt expression from now on.. hahahaha..

now if only this picture would reflect reality.. :p

aliens are not androids

yeah, i admit it. i *am* paranoid. VERY. hahahaha. but i guess that's no surprise. after all, i am a certified pessimist. paranoia is very much a part of my system.

however, i am not an android. and contrary to popular belief, i do have feelings. hahaha. i know what it means to get mad.. to be heartbroken.. to feel hurt. but hey. i also know how it feels to be happy.. to be hysterical with laughter.. to feel all gooey & gushy inside.. to be "in loooove" more importantly, i am able to feel RELIEF!!! bwahahahahahaha!!! =)

yup. i am *most definitely* not an android.. :p