Teacher Pat

what does it mean to live? somehow that question just popped into my head this afternoon as i attended the necrological service for teacher pat magno-abanto. as i listened to her former students recount their experiences and fond memories of her.. as i watched a number of people wiping away tears.. i stood there at the hot, humid 3-6 bulwagan, transfixed. i meant to stay only for a couple of minutes.. but found myself unable to - not because of anything else - but because suddenly i was aware of all the thoughts and emotions this simple service brought about in me.

teacher pat was my teacher in kindergarten. truth be told, i don't remember much about her - or my kindergarten days. i only know that she was one of my teachers whom i felt comfortable with. i liked her smile. i liked her voice.. even though at first she seemed "mataray." i liked the way she'd say hi to me. i liked the way she made me feel important then.

long years passed. i moved on to elementary, high school, college and then back to my alma mater to teach. i saw teacher pat once more. i heard she was a cancer survivor.. but that she'd started feeling sick again. there were physical signs of the disease.. in the way she moved, how she held her arm.. but whenever i watched her, the weaknesses and infirmities never registered longer than a few seconds. each time i looked at her, all i could see and feel was her energy. her enthusiasm. her drive. her passion for life.

for 17 long years, teacher pat battled with her cancer. one would probably think that she was someone to be pitied because of all the suffering she endured. but as i stood alone at the service, listening to all the wonderful stories people had about how a simple teacher touched their lives, i realized something. teacher pat was not someone to be pitied. she was someone to be admired. and possibly emulated. her disease only served to bring out more poignantly the inner beauty she possessed. her hard work, words of encouragement and simple dedication to her students, friends and family.. these were turned into remarkable feats of courage. in spite of all the pain she suffered, teacher pat had time, energy and compassion for others.

i cherish my memories of my kindergarten teacher. i know she taught me well in my early years. but i guess the best lessons teacher pat ever taught me are the ones she gave me today: stop complaining. love what you do. perform simple acts of kindness. listen to others. learn to see the silver lining behind the clouds. be grateful for even the smallest things. trust in God. live to the fullest.

i will miss you teacher pat. thank you for everything..

for HONEY

i love flowers. i really do. i love the smell of roses. and i also like the way those florists arrange the pretty bouquet. not to mention all the envious looks from other girls.

but what i enjoy most of all.. is the look on your face as you give the bouquet to me. i know it's not just flowers you're giving.. but your love.

i enjoy dining out. i like trying out new restaurants. the pleasant aroma of gourmet foods. and of course the delicious taste of a specially-prepared meal.

but what i'd remember most of all.. is how we'd pray together before the meal, and the way we talk so easily to each other.



i like movies too. i enjoy the sensation of watching on the big screen. the nice, comfortable chairs. the dark theater and great sounds. oh.. and the airconditioning too Ü

but i most enjoyed the way we laughed together while watching.. and how you always wanted to hold my hand.

i really look forward to getting cards. i take pleasure in reading every line of poetry. and i like the pretty pictures on the cover, too.

but what i really look for are the words written by you. it never fails to put a smile on my face.. when you say how much you care.. and how much you enjoy being with me.

i like to have my picture taken. well, sometimes, that is. and definitely when i'm looking more or less ok. i enjoy studio pictures 'coz they make me look better (most of the time).

but the best pictures are the ones that are taken with you. it doesn't matter so much whether i look ok or not. when you're with me.. when we're together.. somehow we just look.. RIGHT Ü

HAPPY 4th ANNIVERSARY Ü

Year IV

what makes anniversaries such special occasions? for me, it's a chance to celebrate.. not just 'coz it's a red-letter day.. but because another 365 days have passed wherein i and my partner managed to stay together - in spite of many trials, i may say.

today we celebrated our 4th year together Ü this was our best anniversary ever. why? hmm.. let's see.. there were flowers.. a card with a long love note.. some cake.. a nice lunch.. then a movie.. pictures.. followed by dinner.. new rings.. lots of laughs.. *sigh* what more can you ask for?! but it's really not those things that made the day complete. i suppose it's the realization that after a long, hard year of busy skeds, finacial constraints, stressful moments at work/school, etc.. we survived! we managed to hang on to each other through tough times.. learning new things, growing up and maturing. it's nice to know that we still have the resources and the enthusiasm to really celebrate and value moments of togetherness. Ü

i guess the next 364 days may bring along both good and not-so-good experiences along with them. nevertheless, i am looking forward to Year V Ü flowers or no flowers.. heck, we can probably scrap the dinner and all those other stuff.. but i know i'll still cherish anniversaries for the special occasions they are Ü

with you

we studied this song last week. i just love the words.. Ü

WITH YOU

my days are brighter than morning air
evergreen pines and autumn blue
but all my days were twice as fair
if i could share my days with you

my nights are warmer than fire coals
incense and stars and smoke bamboo
but nights were warm beyond compare
if i could share my nights with you

to dance in my dreams
to shine when i need the sun
with you... to hold me when dreams are done
and oh, my dearest love
if you will take my love
then all my dreams are truly begun

and time weaves ribbons of memory
to sweeten life when youth is through
but i will need no mem'ries there
if i could share my life with you

Week 1

the first (complete) week of UPIS classes just passed by. no, wait... it ZIPPED by! i can't recall ever going through a week so quickly. hmm, i suppose that's a good thing... or not really. i'm not really sure, hehe.

i have to admit, though, that the start of this schoolyear still finds me quite disoriented. it isn't so much the lesson planning (haha, yeah right!) or the checking of papers that gets to me. rather, it is that feeling of unfamiliarity with everything around me - even though i've been in the same building for the past 8 years (longer - if i count my high school days there). no, the physical environment is quite the same (though there have been lots of renovation done)... but i find myself looking for familiar faces that all of a sudden are no longer there.

take, for example, the first day of classes this schoolyear - 02 june. i was about to park in my usual parking space (near the older building) when the guard stopped me. he was new.. so i guess he didn't know i was a teacher. then, i was quite shaken when, during the flag ceremony, i looked around at the students and saw a sea of faces i totally did not recognize. the recording of the national anthem blared over the speakers. it wasn't the one we used before. hmm. i went up to my table at the faculty room. i instinctively turned to chat with my "table-mate," ma'am cyrene (whose last name is no longer caspe, i may add)... until i remembered that she's now assigned to the elementary. great. i went to my first class. it was the same room i've used the past 4 years (that darned room133 with the punched wall and overly-bright windows).. but i did not know my students.. most of them i have never taught before. by lunchtime i took my usual walk around the school grounds, half-expecting to run into my usual companions... until it dawned on me that they've all graduated. haha. everything was exactly as it was. but everything was different, too. it was extremely disorienting. unnerving.

i guess i ought to be used to this by now. one of the drawbacks of being a teacher is that time seems to behave quite differently for us - or for me, at least. you get the perception that everything is the same (actually, that's partly true - coz you teach at the same school for years and years). but all around you, the world moves with blinding speed... and nothing really stays the same. every year, you encounter a new set of faces. you teach.. you learn.. you connect with people.. you let go of friends. there's a sense of dying and rebirth. of pain and of joy.

ok, ok.. so i guess it isn't such a drawback, after all :)

sunshine

SUNSHINE
you are the sunshine
that filters through my window
to greet me each waking day
to warm my heart with the promise
of light to guide my way

you are the gentle wind
that caresses my face
and breathes new life to me
as i toil through the day
that passes by so quickly

you are the gentle rain
refreshing and cool
that washes away the sorrow
the hurt, the pain
and the fear of tomorrow

you are the moonlight
dispeling the darkness
and placing a glow so deep
inside of me
each night before i sleep

you are my star
my sole inspiration
that shines high above
the night sky
giving meaning to love
giving meaning to life

amazing love

our new album is out at last! :) naturally, i like all the songs in it (the product of blood, sweat and tears hehe). my favorite, though, still remains to be the most memorable song we recorded - the one that took us more than 4 hours to finish... our carrier single, "amazing love" :)

its words are simple.. the melody, heart-felt. i'm glad this song came our way (thanx so much to lyricist nancy and composer rannie - they truly are gifts to our community). enough said. here it is, *our* song..

AMAZING LOVE
true happiness, you've poured in me
you've freed my mind from misery
lord i'm amazed just how much love you gave to me

so teach me lord to worship you
adore and exalt you
'coz all i want is to praise you all of my days

amazing love you've given me
amazing joy, you've set me free
amazing ways, amazing days
amazing grace for me to take
allow me lord to praise you for the rest of my days

you've freed my mind, my heart and soul
you've changed this heart, you've made me whole
lord i'm amazed.. now i am yours, my lord

amazing love you've given me
amazing joy, you've set me free
amazing ways, amazing days
amazing grace for me to take
allow me lord to praise you for the rest of my days
amazing love

amazing love you've given me
amazing joy, you've set me free
amazing ways, amazing days
amazing grace for me to take
you've changed this heart, you've made me whole
yes i'm amazed.. now i am yours
allow me lord to praise you for the rest of my days
amazing love!

happy day :)

i'm happy today :) it's been a long time since i last smiled inside.. and it feels quite good :)

for the first time ever, honey slept over :) he came to our "despedida" party for my uncle and aunt.. he helped with the chores.. kept me company.. cheered me up whenever i felt irritated.. took care of me when i started feeling tired.. stayed up 'til 1am just to help us finish cleaning up. no complaints.. no frowns, even though we were both tired and sleepy. simple things that mean so much.

i guess this was just what i needed to break the longest stretch of "blue" i've ever had. i'm really grateful for someone who (apart from my family) makes me feel very special.. important.. loved.

sometimes the greatest blessings come at the most unexpected moments :)

vertigo

another summer "vacation" is coming to an end. normally, i'd be extremely bummed about that. right now, though, i don't mind it so much. not because i'm excited to go back to work (hahahahahahaha... yeah, right!). it's just that this is probably the worst summer i've ever had.

why, you ask? quite frankly, i don't know. there's just this overwhelming sense of everything zipping by at breakneck speed.. even though you're just standing still. it's as if day in, day out, everything's the same.. but totally unfamiliar. same faces and names.. but somehow, entirely different people. there's a dizzying and disorienting confusion that you just can't shake off - although you try to stand still and close your eyes to block out the madness. you take a stab at doing everything you're supposed to do.. and everything spirals out of control. vertigo.

doctors usually give cinnarizine to combat vertigo. how i wish there were a similar pill for handling life's chaos.

my favorite things (and activities hehe)

lest people think i'm always down in the dumps and feeling sad, i'm posting some of the stuff that make me smile (note the happy care bear picture - for those who don't know.. that's "sunshine bear". she's cute.. though personally, i prefer rain to sunshine.. but that's another story)



a list of things that make me smile (not arranged in any particular order)
1. big, shady trees along the academic oval of UP diliman
2. soft rain.. especially when i'm walking around the UP campus
3. solving crossword puzzles
4. reading books (can't wait for HP6.. though i'd read anything from douglas adams' hitchhiker 'trilogy'.. to math books and logic puzzles.. to inspirational stories, etc.)
5. texting my friends (though i don't like it when they're feeling down but can't text coz they're out of load)
6. singing a nice song
7. talking to my playmates (hahaha... have a bunch of kiddie playmates - see my post, 'mikee & me')
8. playing 'bookworm" and other games on my pc
9. watering the plants in the garden (and basically, doing other chores that involve lots of water, hehehehhe)
10. window shopping (and looking for new, unusual stuff)
11. writing poems and writing letters to friends
12. getting letter from friends
13. watching cartoons (jimmy neutron! spongebob! wahahahaha)
14. CSI!! (hehe... self explanatory)
15. spending time with my honey <3 Ü
16. being with family, friends and loved ones <3
17. driving or walking around aimlessly around the campus
18. chatting with friends (not just online.. i mean *actual* chatting)
19. eating out at a nice cafe / restaurant
20. spending a couple of days in a hotel (i like bathtubs, goose-down pillows, etc Ü)
21. talking about logic, math, etc. with others, hehe
22. flowers!!! (roses, tulips, etc.. i just looooove them all hehe)
23. posting things in my blog hehe
24. nice-smelling soaps, colognes, lotions, etc. Ü
25. ice cream and desserts!
26. weird, wacky, unique people - most of my friends are, anyway hehe Ü
27. friendster testimonials and messages (wahahahahahahhaha)
28. stationery items (scissors, papers, etc. - especially *small* ones hehe)
29. talking with my dad (about anything & everything under the sun)
30. bright colors (not on clothes, really.. but elsewhere)
31. talking to myself (not in public, though hehehe)
32. daydreaming Ü
33. freshly-ironed clothes (as long as i don't do the ironing haha!)
34. shows on discovery channel and lifestyle network
35. rainbows
36. butterflies (especially the colorful ones)
37. birds that are not in cages
38. starbucks, coffee bean & tea leaf, gloria jeans.. anywhere i can get a cool drink Ü
39. chicken!!!! hotdog!!! hehehehe... Ü
40. fruits.. especially strawberries, mango, etc... yum!
.
.
.
and the list goes on and on... Ü

there are lots of reasons to smile. maybe i should do this more often... Ü

10 things

it's been a while since my last post. not that i don't have anything to write about; but each time i try to post a thought, something goes wrong. so instead of retyping what i wrote before, i decided to write down..

10 of my LEAST favorite things

10. sudden change in schedule i don't like it when, for one reason or another, i'm forced to change my plans for the day. i especially don't like it when the change involves going on long trips, or when there are deadlines to meet.

09. extremely hot weather just like what happened this summer. i hate hot weather. i hate it so much that i'm actually allergic to it. my nose clogs up and i have to take expensive medication just to be able to breathe.

08. traveling well, not all traveling, really. traveling is fine.. as long as i'm in a car.. and the travel time's short. haha. read my post "elevators drowning in flight" and you'll get my drift.

07. public speaking why is it that most people assume i like talking to large groups, just coz i'm teaching?! i can talk to a large group of *students*. i don't like talking to large groups of strangers.

06. faculty meetings one *major* source of stress for me, haha! it's the kind of meeting where everybody's talking.. but nobody seems to know what anybody's saying.

05. parties and other social gatherings. i'm not a hermit. i just don't like going to events where i'd have to mingle with a lot of people i don't really know.. or where i know a lot of people, but i'd rather not talk to them haha.

04. drivers of buses and jeepneys (and some cab drivers too) don't you just hate their @*#$*&!! guts?!?! ugh.

03. A. waiting i guess i'm really impatient. when i want something, i usually want it *now*. haha. and if you want me to be in a foul mood, show up at least 30mins late for an appointment with me without a reasonable excuse.

03. B. irrational people nothing makes my blood boil than people whom you just can't reason with. people who say and do all sorts of things to embarrass you.. then won't listen to logic when you try to explain your side. haha. this happened to me just recently. still makes my blood boil to think about it.

02. A)people who toy with other people's feelings i particularly loathe guys who say one thing but mean another. those who would make you feel really special but would let you hang out to dry when the pressure's too much. ah well..

02. B)people who take their "significant others" for granted when it comes to relationship, i'm usually more in the giving rather than the receiving end. and i don't mind that. but when i feel that i'm not being taken cared of.. and when the broken promises become more of a rule than the exception.. well, i know how to retaliate too.. hahahaha

01. being helpless who likes to be, anyway?! i particularly dislike not being able to do anything when a friend is sad/angry/disappointed/etc. and i hate it when everything seems to go wrong no matter how hard i try to do well, or at least, cope. think unfinished journal articles for tenure.. errors in encoding grades.. lesson plans way past the deadline.. wahahahahhahahahaha.. i don't wanna think 'bout it anymore

elevators drowning in flights

flights

just read my "cockroach" post again. much as i would really like to forget about those damned bugs, i couldn't get the freaky incident out of my head (well, naturally coz i read the post all over again... duh?!) anyway, i got to thinking about all the other stuff i'm afraid of. and believe me, there's a really loooooong list of those. but i'll write down the more major ones for now.

ELEVATORS
i don't know what it is about elevators that scare me. the enclosed space? the hot, sweaty smell of the crowd of strangers rubbing elbows (and Lord knows what other body parts) with you? the possibility of the elevator cable breaking and sending all the passengers hurtling down some 20 storeys at breakneck speed? maybe all of the above.

i remember i used to be so afraid of elevators that when i was going to give a lecture at the 8th floor of a building in ortigas, i came 20 minutes earlier... just so i would have enough time to walk all the way to the right floor. yup. i climbed all those 1,400 steps... and went down the same route afterwards. i just told myself i needed the additional exercise anyway.

DROWNING
i've always wanted to learn how to swim. when i was a kid, our family always went on swimming trips during summer. every year, since i was but 2 years old until i was around 11, my parents, cousins, aunts and uncles would find a rest house where we could have our own swimming party. and every year, i'd always manage to get a drink of the nasty water in the pool because i couldn't keep my head above water without a trusty "salbabida".

yes, i admit it. i don't know how to swim. and yes, i know that UPIS students all go through the swimming PE during 6th grade. nevertheless, i do not know how to swim. i cannot float even if my life depended on it. it's like my body rejects all the laws of reason and physics and refuses to be buoyant.

i look at my cousins and friends who are happily swimming at the deep end of the pool and i get green with envy. it's not that i never tried to learn how to swim. i took several swimming lessons as a kid - even before we were required to study it in 6th grade. unfortunately, it seems that like oil, water and i just dont mix. it won't cooperate with me at all.

or maybe water loves me so much that it's not content to keep me in its surface, but has to drag me to its depths so it can have me.

FLYING
most people enjoy traveling. they naturally seek jobs that would send them to faraway places - for free, of course. they'd love to go and see the sights. they'd be raring to go to singapore or japan or the US... or maybe just travel around the RP - bohol, boracay, palawan... anywhere! most people find all this adventurous island-hopping exhilirating. i'm not most people.

i hate traveling. if i had my way, i'd probably hole myself up inside the house for years (ok, maybe not years... months perhaps). or not really. i can tolerate the frequent short drives (from our place to UP, for example... or to megamall, where we have our weekly services...) and the occasional long car trips (going to bulacan to see our relatives...). but tell me that i'm gonna have to ride a plane or get on a boat? hm. you'd probably have to sedate me.

i tried flying. on a plane, of course. didn't like it. not one bit. well, i liked looking at the clouds and peering down on mountains and bodies of water (and on the patched roofs of the numerous shanties of metro manila) but that was it. all throughout the flight, all i could think of was where i could get a parachute or life vest... and if i could get my hands on it, how i should use it.it's weird but when i ride a plane, i prefer the window seat. it's like i want to be the first to know if an engine blows up - so i'd have a headstart on looking for those parachutes haha.

so let me rephrase what i said earlier. i *don't* hate traveling. i hate flying. and riding boats. in short, i hate to have my feet separated from the ground i'm standing on. i don't know, but my thinking is that if we were meant to fly or to swim, God would have given us wings and fins. haha.

the cockroach incident

this morning, i was enjoying my bath. i was happily shampooing my hair.. staying under the spray of the cold shower.. when i saw something that made my heart skip a beat. it was huge. it was scary. it was huge and scary. it made me want to scream at the top of my lungs (but i didn't, because if i did, it just might jump on me). it was.. a cockroach.

ok, ok.. so i got this stupidly irrational fear of cockroaches. just the thought of them flying around the room and possibly landing on / crawling over me was enough to send me running out of the shower (ok, so i didn't really run - i towel-dried first, then got the heck out of the bathroom as quickly as i could - after throwing on some clothes, naturally). i've always been afraid of cockroaches for as long as i could remember. they're creepy, gross, dirty, germ-carrying, awful-smelling creatures. ugh.

they say cockroaches can survive for weeks even if you chop their heads off. they also say that in case of a nuclear war, these buggers are the only ones that will still survive to populate the planet. great. how can such nasty things be so darned hard to kill?!

anyway, the only sure-fire way to kill a roach is to stomp on it (or to squish it with the most effective tool of all - the old-fashioned chinelas). simply stepping on it won't do. you have to make sure you hear that crunching noise of the insect's body being squashed.. and its innards all spilled out on the floor. otherwise, it could still crawl away when you're not looking (remember, a cockroach can survive for weeks without its head). then clean up the "crime scene" thoroughly (apply a liberal amount of disinfectant to the area) to get rid of the nasty smell of the cockroach. once the deed is done, bow your head and say a short prayer for the soul of the insect you just murdered. after all, it wasn't really doing you any harm - not directly at least.

there's a lesson to be learned in all this.. but at the moment, my mind is too full of images of squished roaches that i just have to stop here. maybe i'll write more on this next time...

one of these days

this is still applicable to me... though thankfully i'm in a better mood now hehe :)

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one of these days...

i will not plod sluggishly through the day but actually enjoy every minute of it
i'd be able to watch couples sing and dance together and not want to shed tears
i wouldn't have to play second fiddle to anything or anyone
i'd be able to honestly say to myself that i gave the best that i could... and i am happy
i'd hear others tell me they're glad they got to know me
i'd embrace the sunset and not fear the night
i'd welcome the sunrise and not hide in dreams

my someday just can't come soon enough for me.

my journal entry.. my life (a repost from hi5)

at the moment, i just want to keep writing and writing... though i don't really have anything to write about. so i suppose this journal entry still applies to me right now, hehe...

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my journal entry... my life

i want to write something but i have nothing to write about. it's really weird, but i've been sitting here in front of my PC for the past hour just typing stuff on the keyboard... yet none of them really make much sense.

which makes me think... why the heck am i making this journal entry?! i don't have anything meaningful or profound to say. i'm not really expecting my friends to read what i've written. i'm not even totally aware of what i'm typing here - just writing down what comes to my mind.

this is kinda like my life. nothing profound, nothing deep. nothing spectacular to show-off to others. nothing special. nothing new. no particular direction and no particular plan. not very exciting and not too original. not the kind that disturbs or harms others, but not the kind that will be missed when it's gone.

my life doesn't happen to be very interesting. my life just... happens. but i guess that's not such a bad thing. and this journal entry didn't turn out to be as meaningless as i thought it would be.

bittersweet (reposted from hi5)

hmm.. i was browsing through my hi5 account and came across my previous journal entries. just sharing them with you guys here at blogspot..

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BITTERSWEET
how is it that one can be happy and sad at the same time?
and why do joyful moments have to be so tearful?

there's an emptiness that you just can't get rid of...
... when you realize that you possess the best that there is and yet you still want more
... when you're aspiring for something you just can't have
... when you find out that there's nothing you can do to change the way things are
... when you can feel something so precious just through your fingers
... when you become aware that a life-changing moment passes you by

life. it hurts so much that it's so beautiful. like i said... life's bittersweet.

mikee & me

this is my 'playmate' mikee :) she's my friend's inaanak. she's cute, makulit and malambing. she waves at me while i'm singing at the choir. she enjoys pulling my hair and she likes playing silly games with me. she has lots of stories to share. she loves to hug and kiss me. *sigh* it must feel really good to be a kid again...

rat race

sometimes i feel life is one huge rat race - running from one place to another, trying to get ahead of everybody (or at the very least, trying to keep up with everyone else), without really anywhere to go.

the days just zip by with blinding speed. everything's a blur. days come and go and not only can you not stop to smell the roses; you can't even sit still for a couple of minutes, nor can you breathe deeply enough to actually LIVE.

what purpose is there to life anyway? you study from childhood 'til you graduate from high school and college. you probably take up a graduate course then move on to post-grad studies. you work. and work. and work. you earn. or at least you try to. you try to save money to buy a house (if that's even possible here in this country). you get married. have kids. you slave a couple more years to get them through elementary, high school and college. they grow up. they leave you. you plod along miserably until you die.

is that all there is to it? *sigh* i really don't think so. and i should certainly hope not. but right now, i think i need a little more help in setting my focus aright...

Leonardo's Mirror

There's this book I found at PowerBooks (Greenbelt Branch) and it's really good. It's not a novel nor is it a book of short stories. It's a book of puzzles and its title is LEONARDO'S MIRROR & OTHER PUZZLES.

The book contains puzzles that would pique the interest of any math enthusiast. It takes up different fields of math - from Number theory to Graph theory, Calculus and Geometry. Sounds intimidating? Well, not really. It's an easy read, actually... and the explanations of concepts are very down to earth.

A must-read for everyone - especially math majors and those who enjoy a good puzzle.

hitchhiker "trilogy"

Probably the weirdest, wackiest, most creatively original and totally insane books i've ever read are Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Trilogy (which isn't really a trilogy, because it is composed of at least five books).

The books in his "trilogy" - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Life, the Universe & Everything, So Long and Thanks for the Fish and Mostly Harmless - are about earthman Arthur Dent's space adventures with his pals Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox and Tricia Macmillan. Totally hilario us and utterly impossible, you'll really have a crazy time reading through these books.

I highly recommend these books to anyone who's looking for a light read... and who's not afraid to let their imagination go wild. =)