terribly wonderful

i love oxymorons. probably coz i am one, myself (original copy, right xerox?)

i just heard that classes in all levels are suspended until friday this week. hmm. we have ondoy to thank for that. talk about total devastation..

anyway. just posting an entry here coz i need to post something. anything.

oh well..

watch over me

the heavy rains have stopped pouring. ondoy has left the country, at last.. but not before leaving almost the entire metro in shambles.

this morning, though.. the skies opened up. just for a little while. it was enough to make me feel twistedly (and ambivalently) happy.. yet scared.

i'm tired. so very tired.

i don't want to have to keep waiting for the rest of my life. i don't want to settle either.

what a mess.

just watch over me..

the color suits the day

bdays (mine, at least) are not my favorite days. the celebration today was a simple lunch at superbowl with family. here's wcd with me.. fiddling with his camera (while i'm opening a gift from cousin almi).

it's not a bad day. there is, after all, so much to be grateful for (my bdays are notorious for bringing about calamitous typhoons such as milenyo and ondoy). our family was spared from the flood, the traffic and all inconveniences (except for a couple of hours of internet disconnection).

at the risk of sounding ungrateful, though.. today was just as any other day. apart from the disastrous background, this day was unremarkable.

oh. my bday wish? to have an attitude transplant. obviously i'm in dire need of it.

the magic is missing

i miss being able to go out to shop. i mean, REALLY shop. yeah, i know i'm always in megamall. twice a week.. every week.. for the past decade or so. but my "shopping" escapades there are.. well.. i don't consider them actual shopping experiences.

i've always wanted to go to greenhills. to browse clothes.. to look for bargains.. update my wardrobe.. or just plain walk around.

i know what they all say. count your blessings. be grateful for the little things. yeah. i do. i am.

but the magic is missing. i wish i could get it back. i just don't know how :(

playing your cards right

today is.. uhmm.. well, it's too eventful for me to write down a long post :p suffice it to say that i'm glad things turned out a whole lot better than i expected :)

anyway, today i learned that (1) there are moments when it's better to not lay down all your cards on the table; but (2) sometimes it pays to take a gamble :p

i'm uber-tired and feeling woozy with a splitting headache; but today i don't mind. and i don't care.

i still don't like the birth month; but as of now, i find i can more than tolerate it :)

i wonder if i ought to continue being poker-faced..

wake me up...

there are many reasons why i hate september, and here are a few:

1. it signals in the christmas season. and we all know how i HATE that time of the year.

2. it's the month where i (officially) turn a year older. who the hell wants to get older?!

3. it's usually gloomy. oh. and there are no holidays in september.

so i reserved this special rant for today - the first day of september 2009. i thought that as years went by i'd get over my feeling of unease during my birth month. tsk. guess i was wrong. again.

anyway, i was riding the mrt late this afternoon when some stray thoughts wandered into my mind again. i guess i still have a semi-hangover from yesterday's movie. or maybe i'm really just in a morose mood. i dunno. but this supposedly inspirational quote popped into my head: today is a gift. that is why they call it the present. hahahahahaha. yeah right.

i rarely consider any day a gift. especially the present (or whenever it is that my physical body is stuck in). after all, my mind rarely stays in the now. it's either i'm wishing i could go back in time to undo all my stupid mistakes.. or else relive happier times that are no longer possible to bring back. or i'd be looking to the future - extremely paranoid or worried. i am almost never totally here 'coz my mind's always wandering in some different time zone; and i can't catch up.

but sometimes.. a few precious sometimes.. i manage to stay here. now. all too quickly, though.. time's up. and i'm back to my wandering ways.. *sigh*

oh well. still. thanks. i think.

out of time

i "made the most" out of the holiday by doing something i haven't done in a long while. yup. i watched the time traveler's wife this afternoon at gateway mall (with the folks and wcd, hehe). it was.. hmm.. well, i wouldn't say spectacular, because naturally the book is always loads better than the movie version; but it was.. worth watching :)

i'm not a fan of romance/drama, but i really, really loved this story because of its plot. obviously it's about time travel.. but i just loved the way the author wrote it. the narrative is nonlinear and linear at the same time (depends on whose perspective, i suppose). bottom line: the novel is a semi-traditional love story written in a "weird" way. and we all know how i'm instantly drawn to weird stuff.. hehehe.

on a (not so) related note.. there are moments when i feel like i am a chrono-impaired person too. oh, you know.. as if i am not so fully in the present.. or i am not my own age. i don't think i travel through time.. but then again.. who knows?! maybe i do, but i just haven't met myself yet.

then again.. maybe i've met me but i've just been too ashamed of myself to say hello, hahahaha.

WTH!? :p

bwahahahahahahahaha!! yeah, wth and wtf, lol! sheesh.

for lack of anything interesting to share with you guys, i'm posting my latest vanity pix here. haha. i got this beaded headband/necklace/belt and decided to try it out this afternoon when i was uber-bored. so there. hahahaha. lumabas ang pagka-kikay ko, letch.

anyway. i'm missing cousin ems. today's the first sunday that she's not with us after mass since she went to korea. *sigh* oh well. i'd better start thinking of ways to spend my weekends productively.. :)

the quality of my cyberlife is spiraling down the proverbial drain.. hahahaha. HELP!

no end in sight

of the many closed figures (not *polygons* mind you), the circle holds a special place in my cardiod.. er.. heart, i mean. it's perfectly symmetrical, easily constructable and symbolically eternal.

but today, my feeling of ambivalence extends to this special shape.

cycles. wow. they could be quite vicious..

ambivalent

i've been feeling tired a lot lately. at the same time, though, i find it hard to sleep. yeah, i know this isn't news to anyone. still.. for the past weeks, almost everything about me seems to be.. oh, i dunno.. undecided..?!

i've been keeping busy this august. not just with work or my usual activities.. but with new things, too. last august 22 i conducted a review for LET to a few educ graduates. haha.. it was my first time to conduct that kind of review; and admittedly i was nervous. thank god i was able to pull it off quite nicely, haha.

anyway. my mind has been unusually full of conflicting thoughts, of late. at the start of the month, i was really distressed. then paranoid. then angry/upset. then i moved towards cynicism/indifference. and now.. umm.. i am asking myself why i keep doing the things i really don't want to do. it's just plain weird. and kinda stupid.

tomorrow is eagerly anticipated and unwelcome.

madz about babes

it's been a long and tiring day, to say the least. but i had fun. after all, it's been quite some time since i last went out on a 'gimik' with friends. plus, i got to watch a really nice concert too. (click on the title-link to see more pix)

happy to the power 1/2. don't ask me why.

overshadowed

just a picture post for today. i'm tired. damn these stupid hormones - both an excess and a lack. ugh. i don't know who or what to blame for this. the weather? the cycle? the letter? or me?! *sigh* it's mostly me, i guess. always me. grrr.

sorry. now i'm remembering why i decided to stop updating this blog. hahahaha. it sucks to be in this mood (almost) all the time..

lights on

i find it difficult to sleep.. especially when the lights are on. but today i slept with the room light switched on. i had to. i had a nightmare.

yeah, i know. i'm kinda old to be spooked by spooks in my dreams. but sheesh. when you wake up at 2am distinctly hearing this creepy voice in your head (whispering something about cursed unwritten modules).. it's just so hard to go back to sleep again. i know it sounds funny *now*.. but seriously.. that scary, raspy, whispery voice just haunted the sh*t out of me. damn.

so. about those modules. yeah.. i guess they're kinda cursed. i couldn't even start writing. it's like all my creative juices have been sucked out of me. and it's not for any lack of trying. dammit i've been trying for the past months.. but I JUST CAN'T WRITE!!! at least, i couldn't write anything er.. "scholarly". f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!! auuuggggghh!!

i am living a nightmare right now :(

the heimlich maneuver

wow. another week is over. time sure flies fast. i don't really notice the days passing by. soon the "ber months" will be here and then christmas will be just around the corner. *sigh*

well, as before, whenever i want to distract or calm myself, i rummage for a book to read. and this time, i got my hands on palahniuk's novel, choke. haha. interesting read. mainly coz palahniuk is such an interesting author :p and also because the tone of the writing is just so.. hmm.. different. it's not a feel good novel.. but it's not dark or scary either. cool. i think i'm going to add palahniuk to my list of fave writers :)

oh well. time to read again. i certainly need the distraction. at least for the next few days.. *sigh*

reclaiming the lost

i'm feeling the need to look deep inside of me.. to do some *real* soulsearching.. in the attempt to look for my lost GEEKINESS *rotfl*

hahaha. i dunno. it just feels so.. liberating.. to start being geeky/weird again. the past months of near-normalcy has turned me into a bitchy and morose human. ok, ok.. so i exaggerate. i don't think i've ever really been *truly* human. even during recent times :p alien blood still flows through my (so-called) veins. what i mean is.. i intend to turn alien again. then maybe i wouldn't feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.

so. here are a couple of my recent finds from my all-time fave web comic (xkcd, natch!). hope you fellow geeks enjoy this.. :)

a nobody's suicide

thanks to liz for referring me to this.. hahahaha

resurrected

you must be wondering why the picture post is a half-eaten chocolate heart. hmm. i dunno. i'm wondering, too :p

i'm also wondering why the heck i'm updating this blog. i practically killed it a few months back - though to be honest, i actually missed writing down my thoughts here. it's not as if *nothing* has been happening to me. in fact, there've been lots and lots of goings on lately. i just refused to update this blog coz i know how OC i can get about things i start.

mostly i've been wasting my time playing facebook games. grabe, nakakaadik pala ang mga yun!! haha. now, though, i decided to waste my time more privately (thereby giving myself more freedom to rant and rave).. while forcing myself to get my creative juices flowing.

anyway. i'm back. and so is this blog. it's thanks to liz that this one's resurrected from the grave. i didn't really think anyone would notice the lack of updates here - until she told me about it haha. so there. i hope you're happy, lil sis.. it's your fault that i'm back nyahahahaha *evil grin*

i'm actually trying to decide whether i should "backtrack" and post some stuff that's happened in the previous months - if only for posterity. i dunno. maybe i should. sana wag akong tamarin, hehehehe :p

in mourning

today is a nonworking holiday. it's the last (official) day of mourning for the entire nation. today, we say our last farewell to our beloved president, tita cory.

today, too, is a day of mourning for me. yeah, i do have the capacity to grieve, you know. *sigh* but they say that it's healthy to cry for the loss of one that you love. i'm still hoping that there wouldn't be an actual loss.. but i dunno. it certainly feels like it.

i hate what's happening, but there's nothing i can do. if there's one thing i can't stand (apart from not having a shoulder to cry on), it's being forced to face a cold shoulder..

keeping after zouzou

whew! what a day.. XP

i guess i can consider this day 'out of the ordinary.' it was not a very busy one - with a department meeting and a couple of 'article-tweaks' done.

today is not the usual day because (1) i decided to try something different (i.e., breaking routine by NOT attending a choir activity); (2) i went back to school AFTER i went home (hitched a ride with mich & poc); and (3) i went 'semi-malling' with mich and hitched a ride home with her XD

it's a tiring but happy day. and i dunno.. maybe i'm preparing for a different kind of routine that i'm hoping i wouldn't have to get into in the near future. still, i can smile.. uh.. sort of, haha.

now it's time to rest.. XP i'm missing you a bit. and i don't know if that's a good thing or not..

*smooch*

i always wanted to get a big kiss *smile* more than that, though, i really wanted to give one, hahaha!

today's ash wednesday. i'd have to say, though.. i was kinda distracted today. i sort of forgot about it, honestly.. hehe. oh well.. i guess that's really how things go..

at any rate.. i can still smile today :D thanx.. though next time, i wish it would get more literal.. ;-)