on heartbreak

getting your heart shattered into a million tiny pieces does hurt. not only emotionally.. but also physically (the effects of stress and depression alone can wreak havoc on your system) and at times, spiritually as well. getting your heart broken hurts your pride - you feel a sense of unworthiness.. of not being good enough to be wanted. you question whether you will ever find that special someone. you wonder if your world will ever be the same again. yes.. heartache is one of the worst things that could happen to someone.

and yet, as bad as it is to be brokenhearted, there's something that's a lot worse: being a *heartbreaker* - someone who willingly and consciously hurts other people's hearts.

a couple of months ago, i'd have given almost anything just to avoid getting my heart broken. i thought i'd experienced the worst feeling when i felt what it was like to be 'dumped' by someone i loved. it took so long for me to bounce back.. to get my bearings back.. to be 'normal' again.

but now, i realize that sometimes, heartaches happen when God opens up our hearts to His leading. during those times when i felt so down and so low, it was but natural for me to think only of myself. i was aware of *my* woundedness.. *my* pain.. *my* brokenness. everything was about me. i only thought about what *i* wanted. i didn't care what the risks would be or who would get hurt. in my selfishness, all i could think of was ME. the people around me.. the ones who truly loved and cared for me.. they all became secondary to my needs. although unintentional, i was slowly turning into the kind of person i dreaded most: a heartbreaker.

it's one thing to hurt from having your heart broken. but the feeling of being the cause of another person's heartache.. well, it's a deeper, darker and more painful kind of hurt. one that needs an abundant amount of God's grace in order to heal.

i'm not proud of my selfishness. and yes, i am still smarting from the realization that i have turned into a heartbreaker. but maybe this is the time to learn. at least there is realization. and painful as it may be to face the truth.. i still thank the Lord that He's shown me who i am. and hopefully, He will be there to guide me.. to change me into a healer of hearts.. just like Him.