5 stages

i found this picture at a christian weblog here at blogger. i loved it because it's beautiful and sad at the same time. it made me think about grief.. and the 5 stages of grieving. hmmm...

prayer *definitely* works.. though the answers to our prayers do not always make us happy.

i was praying for something for the past months.. and God answered it in a totally unbelievable way. He used so many people to send His message to me. unmistakably, it was His hand at work.

the only problem is, though i know this is for my good.. and that this is the best thing for me, I AM *NOT* COMFORTABLE WITH IT! no matter how hard i've been trying to accept it, i am *not* comfortable with the situation. and my uneasiness overshadows my gratefulness for being spared from further harm.

i find myself swinging from one extreme to the other. one moment i am so happy to realize that the Great God Almighty actually pays attention to my prayers.. and that He still moves mightily to make sure my life goes according to His plan. but the next moment, i find myself suffering from "withdrawal symptoms." my 'drug' has been taken away from me by force. and i go through all the painful stages of denial, anger, bargaining and depression (*no* i obviously have not yet reached that 'acceptance' stage, if that's what you're thinking). hence, at these times, you will find me extremely hyper and ever-smiling one minute.. then quiet and morose the next. i am a dam ready to burst.. a ticking time bomb getting ready to explode.. (and maybe take another person along with it. call it a love-hate feeling. like most things i'm going through right now, it's extremely confusing.)

i come face to face with my own personal demons each and every day. sometimes i want to wrestle with them.. hoping to gain victory in each battle. but there are other times when i face my demons and see myself, instead. and i lose the energy to fight. the temptation to take them back.. to walk the easy road.. is just so strong.

inside me are two persons. one who struggles to be good; and one who does only what she wants. they are pitted against each other every waking moment.. and it's getting tiresome. very. the spirit and the flesh. i guess they are both me.. or at least, parts of me. so how do you battle with your very self?! what would it be like to lose a part of you? and where do you find the strength to keep fighting, everyday, for the rest of your life?! these are questions i have yet to find the answers to.

yes, this is a learning experience. and i will probably come out of this alive.. and *hopefully* wiser. but, oh God.. it's really difficult. i can almost feel the withdrawal symptoms killing me. and more than once i've asked myself if i did the right thing by praying my prayer for the past months.

"be careful what you pray for.. you just might get it.."

do i dare pray for help again..?