death and dying

a friend wrote this piece for her psych class. she posted it in her blog and i got to read it today. i liked it. i really liked it :) so i'm posting it here as well.. and hopefully, you'll get that 'warm, fuzzy feeling' that i got too. hehehehehehe :p [hey, it's not totally weird to get all warm and fuzzy about dying, ok? just read on first..]

ON DYING
Death.

Such a scary thought, is it not?

Not for me. Ever since I could remember, I have always wanted to die young. Say, around my late fifties. By this time, I would have seen the world, experienced it, and made my mark in it. I have stayed long enough in this world by that time. I would not want to stay around to see my body slowly dying.

Before I die, I would want to have made a contribution to the world. I would want to be successful by then. I would want to have a successful career, and a nice, healthy bank account.

When I die, I would want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled even though her heart was broken, who loved her family and her friends and God above all. Someone whose faith never let her down.

I would want to be remembered like that, but basically I would just want to be remembered. And be loved.

The most painful thing about death is having to leave your loved ones behind and knowing that your death would cause other people sadness.

The good thing about it, on the other hand, is finally being able to rest. and our reunion with our creator.

Yes, I believe in life after death: but only life after death with The Lord.

I believe that after death, we would once again be reunited with Him.

oh, and btw, please cremate my body when i die...
and i want a party.. okay?

yayy for banana!!!

as you all know, i am a self-confessed bookworm :p i just *love* books. for the past months, though, i have not been able to really enjoy a good read. partly due to the hectic sked in the choir and at school; but mainly because of uhm.. other 'issues' distracting me.

nowadays, though, i feel the need to immerse myself in a good book. just to get my mind to think of other things. to let my thoughts wander off in a different direction. so yesterday i went to visit powerbooks mega with bfl after lunch. hmmm. i know a lot of girls go gaga shopping for clothes and accessories (ok, ok.. *sometimes* that happens to me.. when the mood sets in hehe). that time, though, i felt that *exact* same thing happen to me inside the bookstore. i couldn't help it. the temptation to buy all those great books!!! hehehe. i could feel my mouth water at the thought of *finally* being able to read again, hehehe.

i was in the mood for something different. not your usual romance novel (i've never been fond of those anyway), detective/spy story (sometimes they bore me) or sci-fi/fantasy plot (it gets predictable, after a while). i was looking for something contemporary.. with a touch of surrealism (hahaha. surreal. that's been a favorite word these past weeks :p).

my eyes fell on a familiar word: banana. and i wondered, "how could anyone write a book about bananas?!" hahaha. turns out 'banana' was the author's name :p quirky, hehehe. ok, call me crazy.. but if only for that, i bought the book. and it *definitely* was worth the P459.00 i spent for it, hehehe :p

banana yoshimoto's "asleep" is a wonderful read. it contains three different stories that actually blend into one. as the title implies, it is a book about sleep.. in all its different forms. (you might want to click on the link to see the book review) i really had fun reading the book. i couldn't put it down! took me only a little over 2 hours to finish :p

a truly great read. i can't wait to buy another 'banana' book :p

i do not believe in tarot cards

really. i don't. but this 'blogthings' result totally freaked me out. WTF?!?!

signs. the universe keeps sending me signs.. and it's driving me crazy..

You Are The Lovers

You represent ideal love: innocence, trust, exhilaration and joy. You demonstrate the harmony of opposites, two sides coming together. At times, you also represent the struggle between what is right and what is tempting. Control is an issue for you, especially when you don't know your reasons for choosing something. Your fortune: You have an important choice you need to make about love, and it will be a difficult choice to make. You are likely struggling between the love you crave and the love that is right. In the end, you will choose what you crave, even if it's bad for you. Because without what you crave, you will feel empty and incomplete.

What Tarot Card Are You?

fill the God-shaped void in me

was chatting with friend sanny again.. and he sent me these lyrics. hmm. hits the mark. right on target.

*sigh* time for more soul-searching..

God Shaped Hole
Plumb

Every point of view has another angle
And every angle has its merit
But all comes down to faith
That's the way i see it

You can say that love is not divine and
You can say that life is not eternal
"All we have is now"
But I don't believe it

Chorus:
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And it's a void only He can fill


Does the world seem gray with empty longing
Wearing every shade of cynical
And do you ever feel that
There is something missing?
(chorus)

That's my point of view...

a God-shaped hole in me.. that i've tried to fill with all sorts of things. a God-shaped void that nobody else can fill.. certainly not *him.*

free me from this obsession.. release me from this addiction. Lord fill this God-shaped hole in me.. and make me Yours again, completely..

5 stages

i found this picture at a christian weblog here at blogger. i loved it because it's beautiful and sad at the same time. it made me think about grief.. and the 5 stages of grieving. hmmm...

prayer *definitely* works.. though the answers to our prayers do not always make us happy.

i was praying for something for the past months.. and God answered it in a totally unbelievable way. He used so many people to send His message to me. unmistakably, it was His hand at work.

the only problem is, though i know this is for my good.. and that this is the best thing for me, I AM *NOT* COMFORTABLE WITH IT! no matter how hard i've been trying to accept it, i am *not* comfortable with the situation. and my uneasiness overshadows my gratefulness for being spared from further harm.

i find myself swinging from one extreme to the other. one moment i am so happy to realize that the Great God Almighty actually pays attention to my prayers.. and that He still moves mightily to make sure my life goes according to His plan. but the next moment, i find myself suffering from "withdrawal symptoms." my 'drug' has been taken away from me by force. and i go through all the painful stages of denial, anger, bargaining and depression (*no* i obviously have not yet reached that 'acceptance' stage, if that's what you're thinking). hence, at these times, you will find me extremely hyper and ever-smiling one minute.. then quiet and morose the next. i am a dam ready to burst.. a ticking time bomb getting ready to explode.. (and maybe take another person along with it. call it a love-hate feeling. like most things i'm going through right now, it's extremely confusing.)

i come face to face with my own personal demons each and every day. sometimes i want to wrestle with them.. hoping to gain victory in each battle. but there are other times when i face my demons and see myself, instead. and i lose the energy to fight. the temptation to take them back.. to walk the easy road.. is just so strong.

inside me are two persons. one who struggles to be good; and one who does only what she wants. they are pitted against each other every waking moment.. and it's getting tiresome. very. the spirit and the flesh. i guess they are both me.. or at least, parts of me. so how do you battle with your very self?! what would it be like to lose a part of you? and where do you find the strength to keep fighting, everyday, for the rest of your life?! these are questions i have yet to find the answers to.

yes, this is a learning experience. and i will probably come out of this alive.. and *hopefully* wiser. but, oh God.. it's really difficult. i can almost feel the withdrawal symptoms killing me. and more than once i've asked myself if i did the right thing by praying my prayer for the past months.

"be careful what you pray for.. you just might get it.."

do i dare pray for help again..?

TGIF

i just got home from choir practice and friday night 'gimick' with bfl and cousins almi and doms. ok, so technically it's already saturday.. but it still feels like it's friday.. so there :p

choir practice was.. hmm.. how shall i put it.. tense?! haha. cdr made us sing quartets of 'plenty good room' (a gospel-style song we recently studied). it was the one song i haven't memorized or taken to heart completely. and it was really difficult for me to stand in front of cdr while my mind was racing to remember the words, the dynamics and the choreography (yes.. the choreo!! sheesh!). thankfully, he didn't notice the numerous mistakes i made, hehehe (or perhaps cdr just chose to ignore them - naawa na siguro sa 'kin haha).

so it was no wonder that afterwards, we were all famished. bfh wasn't available for gimik, as she had a dinner to attend; so it was just the four of us - i, bfl and cuzes. we had dinner at good earth (metrowalk) and boy, were we stuffed!! yummy lemon chicken and roast pork with szechuan veggies. oh.. and i liked the iced green tea.. as well as the wanton noodle soup. hmm. should've taken pics to post here. oh well.

we walked around the vicinity for a while.. just to help our digestion, hehe. but since it was getting late, we left metrowalk by 11.45pm. brought cousin almi to philcoa (her dad picked her up there).. and bfl to her place.. and cuz dom and i finally headed home.

it's been a long day.. but it ended well.. on the next, hehe :p tgif.. and that tomorrow (rather, later) we don't have choir prax. tired yet still wide awake. hmm. and i didn't even get my caffeine fix for the day. haha. i'd better get ready for my trip to lala-land. zzzzzzzzzzz..




PS: hmm. i never did get to ask the reason for the change of sked. oh heck.. who cares?! i'll sleep in tomorrow.. er.. later, that is :p

make me feel good :p

everybody needs to hear an encouraging word. and you never know how a simple act of kindness can brighten someone else's day :)

hmm. i saw this while browsing through some blogs today.. and i thought i'd try it out. haha. who knows.. maybe you 'anonymous' blog browsers may want to try it out yourselves :p


One little compliment can make you feel amazing.

So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind you how great you are.

songs in my head

the past days have been rainy again. no, i did not make any special rain-wishes. but i suppose the heavens know me oh so well that i need not make any requests. hmmm. i guess that ought to make me feel a lot better.

anyway, here are some of the songs playing on my pc right now. ok, so they're not the usual music fare for me - but hey, they certainly fit my current mood. hmm. i do not think they are particularly significant; but i like listening to them at the moment.

feeling surreal again. songs.. songs.. songs. i don't even have the right words now..


Pavement Cracks
Annie Lennox

The city streets are wet again with rain
But I'm walkin' just the same
Skies turn to the usual grey
When you turn to face the day
And love don't show up in the pavement cracks
All my water colours fade to black
I'm goin' nowhere and I'm ten steps back
All my dreams have fallen flat


(Love don't show in the pavement cracks
There will be no turning back)

Time and space will pass us by and by
When we don't see eye to eye
I would have done anything
For happiness to bring ...
But it don't show up in the pavement cracks
I can't even cover up my tracks
I'm goin' nowhere and I'm light years back
Ooh I wish you well

How come
Every day
I'm still waiting for the change?
How come
I still say
Give me strength to live?

Where is my comfort zone?
A simple place to call my own
'Cause everything I wanna be
Comes crashing down on me
And it don't show up in the pavement cracks
I can't even recognise my tracks
You and I can't turn the whole thing back
Ooh I wish you well

KISS THE RAIN
Billie Myers

Hello...
Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you

Hello...
Is it late there
Is there laughter on the line
Are you sure you’re there alone
Coz I’m
Trying to explain
Something’s wrong
You just don’t sound the same

Why don’t you
Why don’t you
Go outside
Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I’m gone too long
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain


And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We’re under the same sky
And the night’s
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You can’t wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Hello...
Do you miss me
I hear you say you do
But not the way I’m missing you

What’s new
How’s the weather
Is it stormy where you are
You sound so close but it feels like you’re so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I’m left imagining
In my mind
My mind
Would you go
Would you go

Kiss the rain

As you fall
Over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I’m gone too long
If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We’re under the same sky
And the night’s
As empty for me as for you
If you feel you can’t wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)

Hello...
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Can you hear me


EVERYTIME IT RAINS
Anita Cochran

The sun isn't shining, I see the clouds rolling in
It reminds me of the day and the words we said
The thunder and lightning is just about to begin
And I'm out here in the cold that's left over from the storm
Once again

'Cause every time it rains
your memory comes pouring in
And every drop that falls,
it burns like alcohol flowing through my veins
Until the winds of change come
and blow the clouds away
I'll still feel the shame and deal with the pain
Every time it rains

Maybe I'm foolish and I'll get through this I know
It just hurts inside that we couldn't weather our storm
The last time I saw you I knew the damage was done
'Cause we didn't make it, we didn't get to see the lightning breaking
From the sun

'Cause every time it rains your memory comes pouring in
And every drop that falls, it burns like alcohol flowing through my veins
Until the winds of change come and blow the clouds away
I'll still feel the shame and deal with the pain
Every time it rains

Until the winds of change come and blow the clouds away
I'll still feel the shame and deal with the pain
Every time it rains

musical rests

a friend in the choir shared this inspiring piece today. i was really touched when i read it.. maybe because of the 'musical' tone (and we all know how i just *love* music <-- no sarcasm there).. but mostly because i really think it's what i needed to read today. hmmm. i just noticed that God has been sending me 'messages' throughout the day. i keep on running into these Divine inspirations since morning :) hehehe. i'm just really grateful for the enlightenment and encouragement that i get today. i'm hoping for the sunshine to break through.. :)

There is no music during the musical rest, but the musical rest is part of the making of the music. In the melody of life, the music is separated here and there by rests. During these musical rests, we foolishly believe we have come to the end of the song. God sends us times of forced leisure by allowing sickness, disappointed plans, and frustrated efforts. He brings a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives, and we lament that our voices must be silent. We grieve that our part is missing in the music that continually rises to the ear of our Creator. Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there.

God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we will only look up, God Himself will count the time for us. With our eyes on Him, our next note will be full and clear. If we sorrowfully say to ourselves, "There is no music in a rest," let us not forget that the musical rest is part of the making of the music. The process is often slow and painful in this life, yet how patiently God works to teach us! And how long He waits for us to learn the lesson!

shifting sands

Shifting Sand
Caedmon's Call

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And everyday I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I'm feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they're so mysterious

And like a consumer I've been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my fifteen minutes of faith
Then I'd be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I've begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much
And I explained it away

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It'd been there all the time

i just found these lyrics at a weblog this morning. i guess it's just what i needed to read. *sigh* grace. that's exactly what i need to get through this day.. and every other day.. for the rest of my life. oh Lord, why do i find it so hard to let go..?! :(

insanity feels good

BUSES & TRAINS
Bachelor Girl

Hey Mom
Why didn't you tell me
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two
You just let me go
Out into the World
You never thought to share what you knew

Chorus:
So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

Hey Mom
Why didn't you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They`re like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they're bad for me
But I just can't leave 'em alone
(Chorus)

I wanna do it again
Oh, felt so good

Hey Mom
Since we're talking
What was it like when you were young
Has the world changed
Or is it still the same
A man can kill and still be the sweetest thing
(Chorus)

haha. this song has been playing in my head since sunday when i heard it again over the radio (while eating at cavana with bfh and other rivers friends). i can relate to the lyrics, definitely. hmm. sounds like a theme song of a masochist/addict. hahaha. or probably the favorite tune of an insane person (like me?!)

"walked under a bus.. got hit by a train.." yup, falling in love feels that way most of the time. i don't understand how something so 'dangerous' can make you feel so 'high.' or how it can make you feel so good one minute.. and then make you feel so bad the next.

"a man can kill and still be the sweetest thing.." tsk, tsk. when will we ever learn..?!? i guess this is how insanity feels.

silent

today i whisper a silent, heartfelt prayer. oh Lord.. help me to get through this.. 'coz i know i cannot make it on my own..

mom's ulterior motive :p

ok, ok.. i will admit it. my eyebrows went up an inch when my mom told me last night to read this article (see my previous post - she showed me this one along with the column on brad, jen and angelina). hmmm. lemme guess.. mom's hinting that i should probably learn to appreciate her more. o-kaaay.. sure.. i'll read it. even though i could clearly see the thinly-veiled 'ulterior motive' hehehe :p

and so, being the 'obedient child' that i am.. i read the article below. and i found (to my surprise - AGAIN) that my mom was right - it was the kind of thing i needed to read. not just because it's nicely written. not just because it gives you that 'warm, fuzzy feeling.' but mostly because what the author wrote about herself is also true for me and my mom.

sometimes it is difficult to put into words exactly what you want to say. and so i thank God for His gift of good writers and the newspaper medium :p but mostly, i thank Him for mom.. who may not know *how* to say the right words.. and who may not always get the right message across.. but who definitely has the right heart.. ulterior motives, and all.. :p

Learning to appreciate my mom with ‘Love you Forever’
By Victoria Antoinette Alfaro Lat
The Philippine STAR 01/22/2006

I usually love retreats, so it was particularly weird that I was in an exceptionally lousy mood the day I left for one last year. All the stress I had accumulated during the past several months was starting to manifest itself, and, unfortunately, the very first place it had chosen was my face. I was sporting a red, a-battalion-of-disgusting-cockroaches-feasted-on-me look – and it was all because of another heated argument my mom and I had the night before.

I was feeling crummy, annoyed, and deeply exasperated with her – like I have, on and off for months now, and I was being my mean, bratty self again. Even when she volunteered to bring me to the bus terminal to see me off, I still wasn’t ready to call it a truce, and I was silent throughout the entire ride.

I don’t think I was able to return the "I love you" she had shouted to me just before I slammed the door. Or, if I did, it was an automated response plus a mandatory peck on the cheek. I wasn’t mad exactly. It’s just that it’s never really easy hearing those three words from someone you haven’t exactly been on speaking terms with for the past months or so – especially when you’re already halfway through convincing yourself that it’s not true at all.

The moment I opened the short, brown envelope my mom had handed me before I hopped onto the bus, I wanted to cry. Inside was a thin, glossy blue book, with a picture of a smiling baby making a mess on the front cover. The words Love you Forever were written across the top in bold print. At first it seemed like a fairly harmless children’s book by Robert Munsch and Shiela McGraw, with big font and pretty illustrations that depicted the story of a mother and her child. But for the most part, it features the story of a little boy going through the phases of growing up – from being a newborn baby to being a toddler, a tween, a teen, and finally, a man. But the main story line is about the mother who saw him through all those years, and despite his saying bad words, flushing her watch down the toilet, wearing strange clothes, messing up the house, and never wanting to take a bath, she loves him just the same. And late at night when he is asleep, she’d sneak into his bedroom just to hold him in her arms, and while she rocks him gently, she’d sing: "I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be."

It was an oddly familiar story – and for some strange reason I was extremely affected by it. By the time I was through reading, the pages were already dappled, wet and wrinkly; the ink, practically smudged with a mixture of tears and snot. After staring at it for a good several minutes, I finally realized why. It was a story of my mom and me. She had written on the book: "It is, in sum, how you are to me and how you will always be."

I am a mommy’s girl, and anyone who knows me well enough knows that no one can make me cry the way my mom can, it doesn’t matter what the intent is. Of all the relationships you can ever have in your life, your relationship with your mother is probably the most delicate of all.

Like most teenagers, we have a love-hate relationship. We get on each other’s nerves, fight, and make up. It’s a dumb cycle that stresses the both of us out relentlessly, but I suppose it’s part of growing up.

Usually the arguments my mom and I have revolve around her being too protective of me. Sure, every once in a while she allows me independence, nudging me towards the outside world, empowering me to grow on my own as an individual and as an adult. But just when I’m starting to get the hang of things and everything begins to make sense to me, she just as quickly pulls me right back. It’s a confusing tug-of-war but I’ve also realized that it’s a struggle for her too.

I suppose it never is easy for a mother to let go of her child especially her youngest. When my mom looks at me, she still sees a fat, little baby and as the book tells it: "For as long as she’s living, her baby I’ll be."

Love You Forever is a celebration of the enduring nature of a parent’s love. It’s a light and easy read, the kind you’re never too old for, the kind you won’t mind reading again and again – perhaps because it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, no matter what age you are.

It captures the full essence of what being a parent is all about, and articulates this beautiful message perfectly. In only 757 words, it enables you to understand the most misunderstood people in your life, teaches you to love and appreciate what you normally take for granted or resent, and most importantly, makes you reflect and re-evaluate the kind of love that you give back to them.

My mom couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate time to give it to me. And she couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate book. Through it is only 15 pages, I still leaf through it every once in a while, mostly after another one of our melodramatic fights. It reminds me of the simple fact I almost always forget: my mom loves me. And that’s really all there is to it.

If there’s one thing the book has made clear, it’s that a mother will always be a mother. Mine has always loved me selflessly, with no conditions and no restraints.

It’s ironic that as I’m writing this she’s acting up once again and being her usual annoying self. But as I heave a sigh, roll my eyes, and exchange here-we-go-again glances with my sister, I also remember that she’s my mommy. And no matter how much she drives me crazy sometimes, it’s just like the all grown-up kid in the storybook sang to his mommy:

I’ll love her forever,

I’ll like her for always,

As long as I’m living

My Mommy she’ll be.

the b(r)ad and the beautiful

my mom loves to read newspapers. she usually spends hours mulling over the political commentaries, editorials and headline news. when she has more time to spare, she'd browse through the other 'non-serious' sections.. just to get the latest updates on celebrities, etc.

i don't really share my mom's passion for reading the newspaper. for me, the most important part of the newspaper is the comic section - where the crossword puzzles are, hehe. today, though, mom recommended i read this article. hmmmm. i honestly didn't think i'd gain much from it. after all, i never was into this brad-jen-angelina thing. but i guess the adage "mom knows best" takes on a whole new light today :p whatever reason she may have had for letting me read this.. i'm glad mom did.

hmm. more lessons to learn. more things to think about before i go to sleep. from hollywood celebrities, no less. haha. who'd have thought..?! :p


Lost and found
By Rica Bolipata-Santos
The Philippine STAR 01/22/2006

It should not have mattered to me, and yet it did. Reading the news that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting a child caused such overwhelming sadness that caught me by surprise. What was it that truly saddened me?

Partly, I must have been depressed by the fact that a large part of my reality is decided by media. In magazines and television shows, I partake of this Western culture. I see it in the way I am embroiled in Brangelina (a made-up name for Brad and Angelina’s affair). How oh how did Jennifer Aniston suddenly have a place in my life?

Reading the news online, my mind began to wander. I could see Jen (yes, I imagine we are close) in her Malibu home, her chiseled abs through her yoga outfit. Her perfect, famous hair must have been slightly messy, what with all the tossing and turning she had to do the night before. I presume she’s been tossing and turning since October, when her divorce was finalized. She sits there waiting for the bomb. Media has been rife with rumors about this pregnancy. Everyone is waiting. She’s hoping Brad will tell her himself. Instead, in my imagination, she finds out from her manager, who calls her.

I tried to invent how hearing the news might have felt to her. What words would she have used to define this event? Would she have called it a betrayal? Would she have called it tragic? Who knows, perhaps she would have called it – relief? What words would she have used to describe her feeling? Anger. Sadness. Regret?

With confirmation of all that she might have suspected, what must alter ever so monumentally is this weight of memory she has of Brad. Instinctively, she will have to go back to the past and figure out where the chain began to rust. It all looked so promising, she would think to herself. We think the same thing as we recall all the perfect pictures we’ve seen of them in various red-carpet events. She is always in the perfect dress, he in the perfect suit. They gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes. It looks as if their joy is real.

She will revisit conversations. She will try to figure out what promises were made. She will try to guess if she looked desperate or strong near the end. Naturally, all the memories move back and forth and she will be confused as to what was true and what was merely imagined. For sure she will attempt to question, when was love lost?

For such is the case with any loss, whether trivial or serious. We plunge into our memories hoping to find the definitive moment when something fell through the cracks; as if zeroing in on a specific moment (yes, that moment during dinner when Jen admitted she didn’t like Brad’s taste in furniture) can help in dealing with the loss.

Here, in my own life, as Jen struggled with losing love, I was struggling with having lost my purse. I was in Makati waiting for a meeting and decided to wait at a corner coffee shop. I had two bags with me – a black purse and a forest green briefcase. My meeting was a good two hours away, and as per usual, I decided to while the time away, writing. My black purse was on the chair to my right and the green bag on the chair to my left. The tables beside me were empty. I must have written only a good 10 minutes when I realized that my purse was gone.

The purse and its contents were dear to me. The purse itself I had bought on a free trip to Bangkok my husband and I took two years ago. I had just delivered my third and last child and it was our first trip alone, together, since we had started on this journey called parenting. In the purse was a small makeup bag my sister had given me from her trip to Belgium. All three of us sisters had this same makeup purse in different colors. My journal was in it as well – a Moleskine journal given by Butch Dalisay himself. Moleskine journals were what Picasso and Hemingway used as their everyday notebooks. Mine contained first lines of essays I was planning to write. They contained text messages from friends and family that I did not want to lose. They contained comments from writing workshops I had attended. Even more painfully, I had placed a picture in-between its pages – a picture of me at six, singing onstage. The discovery that all that had gone, in the blink of an eye, was painful. I could not even remember how much money I had in it. It did not matter to me at the time.

Like my imagined Jen, I find myself in the coffee shop repeatedly. I think if only I had placed my purse on my lap instead of on the chair. I see it in my head and know that I was easy prey. If I had stayed in my meeting earlier maybe someone else would have been the victim. When was the purse taken away? It is a pretty big purse and how could it have slipped my eye. I do the same replay game as Jen. We, Jen and I (yes, we are almost like sisters now) replay to check the veracity of what we remember. We replay (I see Jen nodding, agreeing with me), because we want to understand why what happened, happened? We go through the steps, second-guess choices we’ve made and try to make sense of the ambiguity and absurdity of it all. We replay to give ourselves the opportunity to be wiser, better or faster.

A few months earlier, in May, I lost my father. I look back to April when he went swimming with my children. I look back to February when I gave him a new alarm system so he could call his nurse more easily. I look back to January at the beginning of the new year. I replay to torture myself and wonder if I would have acted the same if I knew he would be gone in a few months’ time.

At night, I think of what I would say to Brad. This is really what I want to ask him: do you mourn losing Jen? Because this is what upsets us, we who have to speculate on celebrity couples breaking up. We get upset with the pace with which people move from lost to found. We are upset how easily celebrities move from love to love. We (this time I am in sync with the readers of the tabloids) think that loss should be honored. We do not think spending time in the zoo with Angelina is honorable at all. We want loss to be recognized. We want it to be given its proper space.

To Jen, to me, to anyone who has lost anything dear: what do I imagine I would like to say to you?

I always think of this paperclip I had lost as a kid. I loved this yellow paperclip for some strange reason – maybe it was the shape I loved or the color lost. One day, I lost it. I remember clearly understanding for the first time loss, that it could happen so easily, no matter how vigilant one was; no matter how much one loved something, or someone.

A few days later, I found it among my clothes. Such joy at the revelation that it was only lost, to me. Because that is one thing Jen and I can take hope in: things are never lost completely. They are put away. They are misplaced. Someone else takes them. Sometimes, they are transformed into something else. But nothing ever disintegrates or disappears. That precious paperclip lies somewhere in this world – it must have a new shape, or a new color, or even a new form. Just like the love you have for someone who has gone. That love does not disintegrate either. One day when you least expect it (this I can imagine because I am a romantic), you will find that things are less…achy. You will be amazed at how much the heart can bear. And yes, you and I will be grateful for all that we’ve lost and all that we’ve found, in time.

* * *

You can reach me, looking for my lost pen at Rica.Santos@gmail.com.

how to sprout a seed

since friday my brain has been working extra-overtime. feels like it's going to short-circuit anytime now. too many realizations.. too many lessons.. too many feelings to process.. too many decisions to make. i'm physically and emotionally exhausted, sleep-deprived and feeling surreal. i am lonely and bothered one minute.. happy and satisfied the next. it is as if my heart is on this wild roller-coaster ride and i am unable to get off it. yes, i am tired and drained. and yet. in spite of all this, there's this sense of peace. it is totally unexpected.. but i am sure i feel it in my heart: a small, sprouting seed of peace that i've not felt in a looong time.

there are blessings we get only from stillness. when everything around us seems so busy.. so loud.. silence seems to speak more clearly and more profoundly. and when we listen closely to His voice whispering to us in the quiet of our hearts.. we rediscover so many things we've forgotten or may not have been aware of. like hope.. courage.. strength (and the Source of it).. self-value.. and the true meaning of love. and sometimes, when God is gracious enough to make it happen, we not only discover who we are.. but we also get a glimpse of the kind of person *we could become* :)

maybe i will need to devote a lot of time and energy to tend to the budding peace inside me. perhaps more tears are needed to water this seed.. to help it grow. to seep through the cracks.. to soften the soil of a hardened heart. i'll probably need to let more sunshine in.. to recognize love and care from others.. to learn to accept these.. and let myself be ministered to.. so i can minister to others, in turn.

in the end, though, i know that it is not just up to me. oh yes, i have a lot of work to do.. a lot of changes to undergo. but only He can make this small seed of peace mature into a sturdy tree. only He can sustain its growth. only He can make it strong enough to weather storms and mighty winds.

i do not know when this will happen.. but that does not matter much to me right now. i just know that *someday* true peace will come. along with unshakable faith and trust in Him. along with deep and devoted love for my Savior. and that thought alone gives strength enough to carry me through the day.

a look into my profile - so says *this* test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 40% Stability |||| 20% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 73% Accommodation |||||| 30% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Religious |||||||||||||||||| 76% Hedonism |||||| 23% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 70% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||| 23% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||||| 76% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 43% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||| 30% Wealth |||||||||||| 43% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical security |||||||||||| 43% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous

yesterday's song

contrary to what most romantics think.. not all love lasts forever. of course some do. but there are those that melt away after a few seasons. there are those that were just infatuation taking love's disguise. and there are those loves that were not meant to be in the first place.

i love you.. goodbye. these words are not supposed to belong in one sentence. saying it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. but i guess sometimes it is necessary. so that one can grow.. even if it means growing apart. so that one can move on.. even if it means doing so alone. and so that one can find that *true* love.. even if it means letting go of the one you love so much.

i don't know why.. but i've always loved this song. hmm. sad love songs always have a special place in my heart. haha. what is it about heartbreak that fascinates me so much? hahaha. i seriously need to get more sleep.. :p

I LOVE YOU.. GOODBYE
Celine Dion

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me

You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do

Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can find some way to understand
I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do

You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me

Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

moving on

no, this song is *not* from friend sanny. this one came from X. and i appreciate it a lot - as well as the chat :p [kung binabasa mo 'to.. thank you ha. totoo yan.. walang bahid ng aking usual sarcasm hehe] hmm. i don't know the song, really.. but the words seem apt. especially now. damn. i hate being trapped. it's bad enough not being able to move. but what's worse is when you're trapped inside a heart-shaped 'cage' made out of chalklines. hahahaha.

i know i hold the eraser. but for some strange, unknown reason.. it seems i've lost the ability to use it. hahaha. ok, so call me helplessly stupid, but it's true. hmm. i need to get my senses back. really.

maybe this is just what i need to re-learn how to use my eraser. maybe i do need to be challenged. haha. so i'm being dared to move. *sigh* oh well. i *do* want to move on, anyway..

I DARE YOU TO MOVE
Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move

on heartbreak

getting your heart shattered into a million tiny pieces does hurt. not only emotionally.. but also physically (the effects of stress and depression alone can wreak havoc on your system) and at times, spiritually as well. getting your heart broken hurts your pride - you feel a sense of unworthiness.. of not being good enough to be wanted. you question whether you will ever find that special someone. you wonder if your world will ever be the same again. yes.. heartache is one of the worst things that could happen to someone.

and yet, as bad as it is to be brokenhearted, there's something that's a lot worse: being a *heartbreaker* - someone who willingly and consciously hurts other people's hearts.

a couple of months ago, i'd have given almost anything just to avoid getting my heart broken. i thought i'd experienced the worst feeling when i felt what it was like to be 'dumped' by someone i loved. it took so long for me to bounce back.. to get my bearings back.. to be 'normal' again.

but now, i realize that sometimes, heartaches happen when God opens up our hearts to His leading. during those times when i felt so down and so low, it was but natural for me to think only of myself. i was aware of *my* woundedness.. *my* pain.. *my* brokenness. everything was about me. i only thought about what *i* wanted. i didn't care what the risks would be or who would get hurt. in my selfishness, all i could think of was ME. the people around me.. the ones who truly loved and cared for me.. they all became secondary to my needs. although unintentional, i was slowly turning into the kind of person i dreaded most: a heartbreaker.

it's one thing to hurt from having your heart broken. but the feeling of being the cause of another person's heartache.. well, it's a deeper, darker and more painful kind of hurt. one that needs an abundant amount of God's grace in order to heal.

i'm not proud of my selfishness. and yes, i am still smarting from the realization that i have turned into a heartbreaker. but maybe this is the time to learn. at least there is realization. and painful as it may be to face the truth.. i still thank the Lord that He's shown me who i am. and hopefully, He will be there to guide me.. to change me into a healer of hearts.. just like Him.

heart-shaped cages

i kinda look like this bear today. tatty and a bit forlorn. hmm. no, i'm not really sad. but i'm not exuberant either. i guess i'm just.. hmm.. tired?! *sigh*

i wonder what it's like to be trapped in a mirror-world? what would it be like to stay in a place where everything seems the same and yet so entirely different? where things seem to be exactly as you remember them to be.. but totally opposite, at the same time? how would it feel to be confined inside a heart-shaped cage? hmm. my thoughts are turning weird today..

haha. is this what i get for not getting enough sleep..?! :p

broken

As Bread That Is Broken

A F#m
Many hearts are hungry tonight
Bm A
Many trapped in darkness
D E
Yearn for the light
F#m Bm
So many who are far from home
D
And many who are lost
A D
O Lord Your wounded children need
Bm E
The power of Your cross

Chorus:
A
As bread that is broken
D Bm
Use our lives
E
As wine that is poured out
D A
A willing sacrifice

Empower us Father
D Bm
To share the love of Christ
A D
As bread that is broken Lord
F#m E A
Use our lives

Help us to begin where we are
Help us love the people
Near to our hearts
Then give our faith a mission field
Wherever You may call
Lord love Your world
Through each of us
Until we've touched them all

( Repeat Chorus Twice )

As wine that is poured out
As bread that is broken Lord
Use our lives

though i haven't heard it for quite a long time, i like this song. it just came back to me after the praise & worship last night. broken bread. hmm. there seems to be something beautiful about brokenness. and God seems to give additional helpings of His grace to broken people.

lately i've been thinking a lot about being broken. some of my friends come to me with their problems.. and i try my best to listen, to help out. and my heart goes out to them.. because i really feel their brokenness.. their pain.. and how hope just seems to be out of reach. and as i hear them out and try to see if i can help them in any way, i also get in touch with my own brokenness.

i am not perfect. i am not even good. when i look at myself, i see a person who sometimes struggles to do what is right.. but oftentimes fails. i see a wounded girl.. trying to convince herself that she has worth. in spite of her mistakes. in spite of her numerous shortcomings. when i examine my thoughts, i am amazed and appalled at the same time. i find that who i want to be and who i actually am are two totally different people. and i remember that famous verse in Rom 7:18-19
"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing." ouch. that is sooo like me.

many times, i question whether it's worth it to even *try* to do what's right. it's so hard to struggle. so difficult to go against the flow. old habits die hard. so do old ways of thinking. and frustration builds up.. and soon, despair and hopelessness set in. broken. i know just how it feels to be broken.

but last night i realized that being broken isn't always a bad thing. in fact, it is a *necessary* step in following the Lord. without the struggle, without the pain.. we will always tell ourselves that it is by *our* strength that we overcome. without the tears that come from our sorrows, without the scars caused by our sins, without the evidence of our woundedness, we will always think ourselves better than we really are. without being broken.. without being poured out.. we will only be able to look down upon others "more sinful" than we are.

broken and humbled. may we all allow the Lord to use us the way He plans. "As bread that is broken, Lord, use our lives.."

ants and chalk lines

do you know how you can stop ants from coming into your house? all you have to do is to draw a chalkline at your doorstep (or wherever the ants usually enter) . they would not be able to cross the chalkline. oh.. and if you want to trap some ants (just for fun.. we tried it at school last year), just draw a box around them using chalk. you can watch them go around in circles inside the square you drew. they wouldn't be able to cross the chalklines.

it is amusing (in a semi-cruel sort of way, admittedly) to watch ants behave in such a manner. after all, it is just a chalkline. it's not as if there's a physical barrier stopping them from going where they are supposed to. a friend of mine said that the chalk deadens the ants' senses.. so in effect, they are not able to tell where they are going. they get lost.

sometimes i have to admit, i behave like those ants do. i get trapped in my own little "chalk box." imprisoned by problems, worries, anxieties and all sorts of fears. paralyzed by uncertainty and doubt. caged in, not by metal bars or steel walls.. but by my own "chalk lines" - low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness, hopelessness and despair.

others may wonder what i could possibly worry about.. what burdens i could possibly have. and like my students watching the trapped ants, they scratch their heads.. unable to understand how anybody could be imprisoned by "chalk lines."

but i, like the ants, know that these chalklines are about as real as steel cages. trapped inside, lost and with no place to go.. there simply is no way out - except for Somebody to break the borders surrounding me.. and show me the way to freedom again.

nobody wants to be trapped. especially not in an "imaginary" cage that seems so real. but thank God that because He is Lord.. i don't have to be. neither do the ants :)

i want a hug Ü

got home from choir practice about 15 minutes ago. well, it's been quite a long day.. but that's fine. i kinda enjoyed it. it's the kind of day that makes you think about hugs. hmm. nothing fancy or romantic, ok? i just had a "smiley" day. though admittedly, i am a bit sad that the day's about to end.. and i still don't have a hug :( *sigh*

well, today was a day full of unexpected stuff. i woke up at around 8.30am to a friend's inspirational text. but i was too groggy to get up from bed so it took me another 30 minutes or so just to get my bearing. i then went to the computer (daily routine, hehe) to type up our geometry periodic exam. haha. i finished at around 11.30am. that gave me only enough time to freshen up, eat a *very* hasty brunch, drive to school and get my stuff from the faculty room before facing my geometry students. hehe. but God blessed me today. he made my normally noisy students really attentive today. and it was an pleasant surprise to note that they do understand the lesson! haha. even their long exam results today turned out quite good :)

went home before proceeding to choir practice. my dad and i finished the newsletter. hmm. it was mostly dad who did the layouting and stuff this time. i've been too busy with making those tests that i hadn't had enough time/energy to do the articles. anyway, at least we got it done before i left for practice. yay! :p

practice went well, too. though i was a bit distracted 'coz i was kinda worried about a friend of mine. hmm. i won't elaborate here. suffice it to say that she's been on my mind the whole time i was at practice.. until now. i do hope she's fine.. and that she'll stay fine for a loong time. hmm. i also texted X to ask how he's doing. his reply? an umlaut! (Ü) sheesh. he owes me "kwento." big time :p (hey.. if you're reading this.. you really owe me a detailed account ;p)

bfl and i went home together. grabbed a bite to eat at wham! burger first. hehe. we were both hungry.. but because the burgers and fries there were so big, we weren't able to finish them all :p hehe. i ate only half my burger. not that i'm too figure conscious or anything.. but i was really too stuffed (and still preoccupied) to eat another bite :p

so now i'm home. and remembered that i haven't written my entry for the day. haha. well now i've updated my blog already. at least i can get these thoughts out of my system and relax :p hmm. it was a happy day of sorts. now all i *really* need is a warm HUG.. Ü

nothing but exams

hahaha. i am currently thinking of questions for the periodic exams in math 10 and geometry. and i'm in a *good* mood. hahaha. students beware! you know what *that* means.. >:)

i'm making the tests and chatting with online students at the same time. and no.. i am NOT giving out hints or leaks to the tests. hahaha. i just sort of enjoy 'torturing' the precious kids with the thought that i am currently enjoying my exam-writing. hahahaha.

i don't know why.. but i can't seem to just do *one* thing at a time. i always have to do two or more things simultaneously. otherwise i sort of get bored. so i text/read books while at practice.. write notes while observing my ST.. listen to my mp3 player while writing lesson plans.. and chat while making exams. har har. not to mention updating my blog no matter what else i'm doing. hahaha. me and my overly-used, multitasking brain :p

oh well. gotta get back to those tests. hehehe. look out kids.. the fun is just starting.. >:)

kakaiba ulit ako ngayon

SA WAKAS!!! hahaha. kakaiba talaga ang araw na 'to. bukod sa pamatay siya (soooobrang harassed ata ako ngayon eh. ewan ko ba) at nakakapagod, ang dami rin talagang kailangang tapusin bago pumasok ulit.

bukas, magbibigay ako ng exam sa umaga (math10) at isa pa sa hapon (geom naman). pinagawa ko na sa assistant kong si lester ang visuals para sa geom dahil malamang maghahabol na naman kami ng lesson bago sila mag-test. nagbigay na rin ang student teacher ko ng mga tanong para sa long exam at sa periodic exam. mabuti na lang at naedit ko na ang long test ng geometry.. at nagawa ko na rin ang exam ng math10. kaya sa mga estudyante kong umaasang mapostpone pa ang exam.. ASA PA KAYO!! hehehe :p

hayy. pero tambak pa rin ang trabaho. hindi ko pa natatapos gawin ang periodic exam (di pa naeedit yung dalawa). hindi pa nagagawa ang table of specifications. ni hindi pa nga encoded ang para sa grade10. at wala pa dun ang mga hindi pa tapos ma-check na mga papel. hayyyyyy talaga..

marami pang mga bagay na nasa utak ko ngayon. lahat nakakapagod isipin. hahaha. ayoko na. hindi na nakakatuwa ang ganito, sa totoo lang. hmm. tama nga ata si X. maghanap nga kaya ako ng mapapasukang call center? ahahahaha. sayang na lang ang pag-ingles ko.. mapakinabangan naman paminsan-minsan bukod dito sa blog na 'to.

postscript:
walang pagkakaugnay ang picture na nilagay ko sa post na ito. gusto ko lang ilagay ang litrato ko diyan kasi medyo matino ako nung kinuha 'yan. hindi katulad ng itsura ko ngayon haha.

moral of the story

can't read the toon? here it is:

The Question: Explain the saying: 'The early bird gets the worm.'
Introduction: The adage succintly expresses the priceless wisdom of our forefathers and is still relevant in today's rapidly changing world.
Body: It teaches us the importance of getting up late. The poor worm was devoured ONLY because it woke up early.
Conclusion: Moral: Waking up early can be fatal.

it's true that "the early bird gets the worm" - but as in most things, there are always two sides to a story. in short, good for the bird.. bad for the worm :p

this is just one of the reasons why i *hate* waking up so early.. hahaha.

time to make another batch of exams for this week. darn. when will i ever get in the mood to do *anything*?!

for 'planner' people like me

cousin almi sent this piece to our yahoogroups the other day. i just read it this evening and realized that it really speaks to me :p i am a 'planner' person, myself.. hehe. as almost all my friends can attest to, i never leave the house without my trusty planner (i have two, actually - a small black one that fits in my bag.. and my starbucks planner that doubles as a coded diary of sorts, hehe).

this article reminded me that there are just some things in life that you never plan for.. never expect.. yet they happen. and it's good to know that no matter how many surprises turn up in life, the Great Planner will always be there. He knows what's best for us :) read on..

The best gift anyone can give me at Christmas is a planner. I like
planners because I am a planner. I like thinking ahead. I like being
prepared. I get a high from being on top of things. But some things
are beyond planning. And life doesn't always turn out as planned.

You don't plan for a broken heart. You don't plan for a failed
business venture. You don't plan for an adulterous husband. You
don't plan for an autistic child. You don't plan for spinsterhood.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever. You plan to climb the corporate
ladder. You plan to be rich and powerful. You plan to be acclaimed
and successful. You plan to conquer the universe. You plan to fall
in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad. You don't plan to be hurt. You don't
plan to be broke. You don't plan to be betrayed. You don't plan to
be alone in this world

You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered.

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
But most times, what you want and what you get are two different
things.

We, mortals,plan. But so does God in the heavens.

Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans -
especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours. Often,
when God sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger. True, we cannot
choose the cross that God wishes us to carry but we can carry that
cross with courage knowing that God will never abandon us nor send
something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes , God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes,
He breaks our heart to make us whole. Sometimes, God sends us pain
so we can be stronger. Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be
humble.

Sometimes God sends us illness so we can take better care of
ourselves. Sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can
learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans but understand that we live by God's grace.

Growing up we get dismayed by the realization that we could not
get everything we want. Growing old, I am delighted by the
realization that although I can't have everything I want, I can want
everything I have.

for lack of anything else to do..

hehe. saw this 'quiz' at a friend's LJ account so i thought i'd try it out. hmm. why is it that though these are really mostly for fun, my test results almost always turn out right?! hahahaha..

Hilariouscope by ChibiMarronchan
Real Name
Astrological Sign
Your immediate future:	Dancing penguins will leave $10 in your mailbox
How you will die:	Aliens will abduct you and use your body for twisted scientific experiments and when you are returned an angry mob from no where will kill you for polluting the minds of the youth with your hideousness
Your afterlife:	You will rule hell
Quiz created with MemeGen!

How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
Name
...believe in true love?	yesnoI wish I didI wish I didn'tmost definitelynot until someone proved it to me
Your hands say	With me, you'll never be lost.
Your eyes say	I can't dream anyone more beautiful.
Your hugs say	I promise I will try to keep you safe.
Your kisses say	I am addicted to you.
Your body says	I want to wake up beside you.
Your heart says	Ich liebe dich.
Quiz created with MemeGen!