40 kinds of sadness

"i feel forty kinds of sadness when you're gone..." so goes a song i heard over the radio. at the time, i couldn't understand what that meant. now i know a hundred kinds of sadness at the least...

...the sadness you feel when you miss someone... the kind of sorrow brought about by disappointment and guilt... the unsettling feeling you get when you remember bittersweet memories... the pain of unrequited love... the grief you experience when you lose a loved one... the helplessness you feel when you know you have no choice but to let go...

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back in my high school days, i was a loner. i had very few close friends. i kept to myself. i preferred roaming around the campus with my thick pocketbooks for company. i prided myself on being able to eat lunch alone. i did not need others. oh, i enjoyed my friends' company, naturally. but i could survive without talking to anyone for a whole day.

12 years later and i find myself at a loss. feeling a hundred kinds of sadness 'coz i'm alone. it never used to bother me so. i've always been content being with myself. i enjoyed solitude. i loved those quiet, peaceful moments alone in my room. but now... everything's different. everything's so confusing...

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i still enjoy being alone. i think i'm still happy being with myself. i still like solitude. i still like to be alone in my room. only this time... a part of myself is missing. i'm not *wholly* alone. there's only a part of me that's left. the other half isn't with me anymore... i gave it away 4 years ago.

funny thing, though... i don't want to get back my missing half... not if it means it will return to me without him.. :'(