how to sprout a seed

since friday my brain has been working extra-overtime. feels like it's going to short-circuit anytime now. too many realizations.. too many lessons.. too many feelings to process.. too many decisions to make. i'm physically and emotionally exhausted, sleep-deprived and feeling surreal. i am lonely and bothered one minute.. happy and satisfied the next. it is as if my heart is on this wild roller-coaster ride and i am unable to get off it. yes, i am tired and drained. and yet. in spite of all this, there's this sense of peace. it is totally unexpected.. but i am sure i feel it in my heart: a small, sprouting seed of peace that i've not felt in a looong time.

there are blessings we get only from stillness. when everything around us seems so busy.. so loud.. silence seems to speak more clearly and more profoundly. and when we listen closely to His voice whispering to us in the quiet of our hearts.. we rediscover so many things we've forgotten or may not have been aware of. like hope.. courage.. strength (and the Source of it).. self-value.. and the true meaning of love. and sometimes, when God is gracious enough to make it happen, we not only discover who we are.. but we also get a glimpse of the kind of person *we could become* :)

maybe i will need to devote a lot of time and energy to tend to the budding peace inside me. perhaps more tears are needed to water this seed.. to help it grow. to seep through the cracks.. to soften the soil of a hardened heart. i'll probably need to let more sunshine in.. to recognize love and care from others.. to learn to accept these.. and let myself be ministered to.. so i can minister to others, in turn.

in the end, though, i know that it is not just up to me. oh yes, i have a lot of work to do.. a lot of changes to undergo. but only He can make this small seed of peace mature into a sturdy tree. only He can sustain its growth. only He can make it strong enough to weather storms and mighty winds.

i do not know when this will happen.. but that does not matter much to me right now. i just know that *someday* true peace will come. along with unshakable faith and trust in Him. along with deep and devoted love for my Savior. and that thought alone gives strength enough to carry me through the day.

a look into my profile - so says *this* test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 40% Stability |||| 20% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 73% Accommodation |||||| 30% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Religious |||||||||||||||||| 76% Hedonism |||||| 23% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 70% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||| 23% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||||| 76% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 43% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||| 30% Wealth |||||||||||| 43% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical security |||||||||||| 43% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous

yesterday's song

contrary to what most romantics think.. not all love lasts forever. of course some do. but there are those that melt away after a few seasons. there are those that were just infatuation taking love's disguise. and there are those loves that were not meant to be in the first place.

i love you.. goodbye. these words are not supposed to belong in one sentence. saying it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. but i guess sometimes it is necessary. so that one can grow.. even if it means growing apart. so that one can move on.. even if it means doing so alone. and so that one can find that *true* love.. even if it means letting go of the one you love so much.

i don't know why.. but i've always loved this song. hmm. sad love songs always have a special place in my heart. haha. what is it about heartbreak that fascinates me so much? hahaha. i seriously need to get more sleep.. :p

I LOVE YOU.. GOODBYE
Celine Dion

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me

You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do

Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can find some way to understand
I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do

You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me

Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

moving on

no, this song is *not* from friend sanny. this one came from X. and i appreciate it a lot - as well as the chat :p [kung binabasa mo 'to.. thank you ha. totoo yan.. walang bahid ng aking usual sarcasm hehe] hmm. i don't know the song, really.. but the words seem apt. especially now. damn. i hate being trapped. it's bad enough not being able to move. but what's worse is when you're trapped inside a heart-shaped 'cage' made out of chalklines. hahahaha.

i know i hold the eraser. but for some strange, unknown reason.. it seems i've lost the ability to use it. hahaha. ok, so call me helplessly stupid, but it's true. hmm. i need to get my senses back. really.

maybe this is just what i need to re-learn how to use my eraser. maybe i do need to be challenged. haha. so i'm being dared to move. *sigh* oh well. i *do* want to move on, anyway..

I DARE YOU TO MOVE
Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move

on heartbreak

getting your heart shattered into a million tiny pieces does hurt. not only emotionally.. but also physically (the effects of stress and depression alone can wreak havoc on your system) and at times, spiritually as well. getting your heart broken hurts your pride - you feel a sense of unworthiness.. of not being good enough to be wanted. you question whether you will ever find that special someone. you wonder if your world will ever be the same again. yes.. heartache is one of the worst things that could happen to someone.

and yet, as bad as it is to be brokenhearted, there's something that's a lot worse: being a *heartbreaker* - someone who willingly and consciously hurts other people's hearts.

a couple of months ago, i'd have given almost anything just to avoid getting my heart broken. i thought i'd experienced the worst feeling when i felt what it was like to be 'dumped' by someone i loved. it took so long for me to bounce back.. to get my bearings back.. to be 'normal' again.

but now, i realize that sometimes, heartaches happen when God opens up our hearts to His leading. during those times when i felt so down and so low, it was but natural for me to think only of myself. i was aware of *my* woundedness.. *my* pain.. *my* brokenness. everything was about me. i only thought about what *i* wanted. i didn't care what the risks would be or who would get hurt. in my selfishness, all i could think of was ME. the people around me.. the ones who truly loved and cared for me.. they all became secondary to my needs. although unintentional, i was slowly turning into the kind of person i dreaded most: a heartbreaker.

it's one thing to hurt from having your heart broken. but the feeling of being the cause of another person's heartache.. well, it's a deeper, darker and more painful kind of hurt. one that needs an abundant amount of God's grace in order to heal.

i'm not proud of my selfishness. and yes, i am still smarting from the realization that i have turned into a heartbreaker. but maybe this is the time to learn. at least there is realization. and painful as it may be to face the truth.. i still thank the Lord that He's shown me who i am. and hopefully, He will be there to guide me.. to change me into a healer of hearts.. just like Him.

heart-shaped cages

i kinda look like this bear today. tatty and a bit forlorn. hmm. no, i'm not really sad. but i'm not exuberant either. i guess i'm just.. hmm.. tired?! *sigh*

i wonder what it's like to be trapped in a mirror-world? what would it be like to stay in a place where everything seems the same and yet so entirely different? where things seem to be exactly as you remember them to be.. but totally opposite, at the same time? how would it feel to be confined inside a heart-shaped cage? hmm. my thoughts are turning weird today..

haha. is this what i get for not getting enough sleep..?! :p

broken

As Bread That Is Broken

A F#m
Many hearts are hungry tonight
Bm A
Many trapped in darkness
D E
Yearn for the light
F#m Bm
So many who are far from home
D
And many who are lost
A D
O Lord Your wounded children need
Bm E
The power of Your cross

Chorus:
A
As bread that is broken
D Bm
Use our lives
E
As wine that is poured out
D A
A willing sacrifice

Empower us Father
D Bm
To share the love of Christ
A D
As bread that is broken Lord
F#m E A
Use our lives

Help us to begin where we are
Help us love the people
Near to our hearts
Then give our faith a mission field
Wherever You may call
Lord love Your world
Through each of us
Until we've touched them all

( Repeat Chorus Twice )

As wine that is poured out
As bread that is broken Lord
Use our lives

though i haven't heard it for quite a long time, i like this song. it just came back to me after the praise & worship last night. broken bread. hmm. there seems to be something beautiful about brokenness. and God seems to give additional helpings of His grace to broken people.

lately i've been thinking a lot about being broken. some of my friends come to me with their problems.. and i try my best to listen, to help out. and my heart goes out to them.. because i really feel their brokenness.. their pain.. and how hope just seems to be out of reach. and as i hear them out and try to see if i can help them in any way, i also get in touch with my own brokenness.

i am not perfect. i am not even good. when i look at myself, i see a person who sometimes struggles to do what is right.. but oftentimes fails. i see a wounded girl.. trying to convince herself that she has worth. in spite of her mistakes. in spite of her numerous shortcomings. when i examine my thoughts, i am amazed and appalled at the same time. i find that who i want to be and who i actually am are two totally different people. and i remember that famous verse in Rom 7:18-19
"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing." ouch. that is sooo like me.

many times, i question whether it's worth it to even *try* to do what's right. it's so hard to struggle. so difficult to go against the flow. old habits die hard. so do old ways of thinking. and frustration builds up.. and soon, despair and hopelessness set in. broken. i know just how it feels to be broken.

but last night i realized that being broken isn't always a bad thing. in fact, it is a *necessary* step in following the Lord. without the struggle, without the pain.. we will always tell ourselves that it is by *our* strength that we overcome. without the tears that come from our sorrows, without the scars caused by our sins, without the evidence of our woundedness, we will always think ourselves better than we really are. without being broken.. without being poured out.. we will only be able to look down upon others "more sinful" than we are.

broken and humbled. may we all allow the Lord to use us the way He plans. "As bread that is broken, Lord, use our lives.."

ants and chalk lines

do you know how you can stop ants from coming into your house? all you have to do is to draw a chalkline at your doorstep (or wherever the ants usually enter) . they would not be able to cross the chalkline. oh.. and if you want to trap some ants (just for fun.. we tried it at school last year), just draw a box around them using chalk. you can watch them go around in circles inside the square you drew. they wouldn't be able to cross the chalklines.

it is amusing (in a semi-cruel sort of way, admittedly) to watch ants behave in such a manner. after all, it is just a chalkline. it's not as if there's a physical barrier stopping them from going where they are supposed to. a friend of mine said that the chalk deadens the ants' senses.. so in effect, they are not able to tell where they are going. they get lost.

sometimes i have to admit, i behave like those ants do. i get trapped in my own little "chalk box." imprisoned by problems, worries, anxieties and all sorts of fears. paralyzed by uncertainty and doubt. caged in, not by metal bars or steel walls.. but by my own "chalk lines" - low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness, hopelessness and despair.

others may wonder what i could possibly worry about.. what burdens i could possibly have. and like my students watching the trapped ants, they scratch their heads.. unable to understand how anybody could be imprisoned by "chalk lines."

but i, like the ants, know that these chalklines are about as real as steel cages. trapped inside, lost and with no place to go.. there simply is no way out - except for Somebody to break the borders surrounding me.. and show me the way to freedom again.

nobody wants to be trapped. especially not in an "imaginary" cage that seems so real. but thank God that because He is Lord.. i don't have to be. neither do the ants :)

i want a hug Ü

got home from choir practice about 15 minutes ago. well, it's been quite a long day.. but that's fine. i kinda enjoyed it. it's the kind of day that makes you think about hugs. hmm. nothing fancy or romantic, ok? i just had a "smiley" day. though admittedly, i am a bit sad that the day's about to end.. and i still don't have a hug :( *sigh*

well, today was a day full of unexpected stuff. i woke up at around 8.30am to a friend's inspirational text. but i was too groggy to get up from bed so it took me another 30 minutes or so just to get my bearing. i then went to the computer (daily routine, hehe) to type up our geometry periodic exam. haha. i finished at around 11.30am. that gave me only enough time to freshen up, eat a *very* hasty brunch, drive to school and get my stuff from the faculty room before facing my geometry students. hehe. but God blessed me today. he made my normally noisy students really attentive today. and it was an pleasant surprise to note that they do understand the lesson! haha. even their long exam results today turned out quite good :)

went home before proceeding to choir practice. my dad and i finished the newsletter. hmm. it was mostly dad who did the layouting and stuff this time. i've been too busy with making those tests that i hadn't had enough time/energy to do the articles. anyway, at least we got it done before i left for practice. yay! :p

practice went well, too. though i was a bit distracted 'coz i was kinda worried about a friend of mine. hmm. i won't elaborate here. suffice it to say that she's been on my mind the whole time i was at practice.. until now. i do hope she's fine.. and that she'll stay fine for a loong time. hmm. i also texted X to ask how he's doing. his reply? an umlaut! (Ü) sheesh. he owes me "kwento." big time :p (hey.. if you're reading this.. you really owe me a detailed account ;p)

bfl and i went home together. grabbed a bite to eat at wham! burger first. hehe. we were both hungry.. but because the burgers and fries there were so big, we weren't able to finish them all :p hehe. i ate only half my burger. not that i'm too figure conscious or anything.. but i was really too stuffed (and still preoccupied) to eat another bite :p

so now i'm home. and remembered that i haven't written my entry for the day. haha. well now i've updated my blog already. at least i can get these thoughts out of my system and relax :p hmm. it was a happy day of sorts. now all i *really* need is a warm HUG.. Ü

nothing but exams

hahaha. i am currently thinking of questions for the periodic exams in math 10 and geometry. and i'm in a *good* mood. hahaha. students beware! you know what *that* means.. >:)

i'm making the tests and chatting with online students at the same time. and no.. i am NOT giving out hints or leaks to the tests. hahaha. i just sort of enjoy 'torturing' the precious kids with the thought that i am currently enjoying my exam-writing. hahahaha.

i don't know why.. but i can't seem to just do *one* thing at a time. i always have to do two or more things simultaneously. otherwise i sort of get bored. so i text/read books while at practice.. write notes while observing my ST.. listen to my mp3 player while writing lesson plans.. and chat while making exams. har har. not to mention updating my blog no matter what else i'm doing. hahaha. me and my overly-used, multitasking brain :p

oh well. gotta get back to those tests. hehehe. look out kids.. the fun is just starting.. >:)

kakaiba ulit ako ngayon

SA WAKAS!!! hahaha. kakaiba talaga ang araw na 'to. bukod sa pamatay siya (soooobrang harassed ata ako ngayon eh. ewan ko ba) at nakakapagod, ang dami rin talagang kailangang tapusin bago pumasok ulit.

bukas, magbibigay ako ng exam sa umaga (math10) at isa pa sa hapon (geom naman). pinagawa ko na sa assistant kong si lester ang visuals para sa geom dahil malamang maghahabol na naman kami ng lesson bago sila mag-test. nagbigay na rin ang student teacher ko ng mga tanong para sa long exam at sa periodic exam. mabuti na lang at naedit ko na ang long test ng geometry.. at nagawa ko na rin ang exam ng math10. kaya sa mga estudyante kong umaasang mapostpone pa ang exam.. ASA PA KAYO!! hehehe :p

hayy. pero tambak pa rin ang trabaho. hindi ko pa natatapos gawin ang periodic exam (di pa naeedit yung dalawa). hindi pa nagagawa ang table of specifications. ni hindi pa nga encoded ang para sa grade10. at wala pa dun ang mga hindi pa tapos ma-check na mga papel. hayyyyyy talaga..

marami pang mga bagay na nasa utak ko ngayon. lahat nakakapagod isipin. hahaha. ayoko na. hindi na nakakatuwa ang ganito, sa totoo lang. hmm. tama nga ata si X. maghanap nga kaya ako ng mapapasukang call center? ahahahaha. sayang na lang ang pag-ingles ko.. mapakinabangan naman paminsan-minsan bukod dito sa blog na 'to.

postscript:
walang pagkakaugnay ang picture na nilagay ko sa post na ito. gusto ko lang ilagay ang litrato ko diyan kasi medyo matino ako nung kinuha 'yan. hindi katulad ng itsura ko ngayon haha.

moral of the story

can't read the toon? here it is:

The Question: Explain the saying: 'The early bird gets the worm.'
Introduction: The adage succintly expresses the priceless wisdom of our forefathers and is still relevant in today's rapidly changing world.
Body: It teaches us the importance of getting up late. The poor worm was devoured ONLY because it woke up early.
Conclusion: Moral: Waking up early can be fatal.

it's true that "the early bird gets the worm" - but as in most things, there are always two sides to a story. in short, good for the bird.. bad for the worm :p

this is just one of the reasons why i *hate* waking up so early.. hahaha.

time to make another batch of exams for this week. darn. when will i ever get in the mood to do *anything*?!

for 'planner' people like me

cousin almi sent this piece to our yahoogroups the other day. i just read it this evening and realized that it really speaks to me :p i am a 'planner' person, myself.. hehe. as almost all my friends can attest to, i never leave the house without my trusty planner (i have two, actually - a small black one that fits in my bag.. and my starbucks planner that doubles as a coded diary of sorts, hehe).

this article reminded me that there are just some things in life that you never plan for.. never expect.. yet they happen. and it's good to know that no matter how many surprises turn up in life, the Great Planner will always be there. He knows what's best for us :) read on..

The best gift anyone can give me at Christmas is a planner. I like
planners because I am a planner. I like thinking ahead. I like being
prepared. I get a high from being on top of things. But some things
are beyond planning. And life doesn't always turn out as planned.

You don't plan for a broken heart. You don't plan for a failed
business venture. You don't plan for an adulterous husband. You
don't plan for an autistic child. You don't plan for spinsterhood.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever. You plan to climb the corporate
ladder. You plan to be rich and powerful. You plan to be acclaimed
and successful. You plan to conquer the universe. You plan to fall
in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad. You don't plan to be hurt. You don't
plan to be broke. You don't plan to be betrayed. You don't plan to
be alone in this world

You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered.

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
But most times, what you want and what you get are two different
things.

We, mortals,plan. But so does God in the heavens.

Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans -
especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours. Often,
when God sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger. True, we cannot
choose the cross that God wishes us to carry but we can carry that
cross with courage knowing that God will never abandon us nor send
something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes , God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes,
He breaks our heart to make us whole. Sometimes, God sends us pain
so we can be stronger. Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be
humble.

Sometimes God sends us illness so we can take better care of
ourselves. Sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can
learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans but understand that we live by God's grace.

Growing up we get dismayed by the realization that we could not
get everything we want. Growing old, I am delighted by the
realization that although I can't have everything I want, I can want
everything I have.

for lack of anything else to do..

hehe. saw this 'quiz' at a friend's LJ account so i thought i'd try it out. hmm. why is it that though these are really mostly for fun, my test results almost always turn out right?! hahahaha..

Hilariouscope by ChibiMarronchan
Real Name
Astrological Sign
Your immediate future:	Dancing penguins will leave $10 in your mailbox
How you will die:	Aliens will abduct you and use your body for twisted scientific experiments and when you are returned an angry mob from no where will kill you for polluting the minds of the youth with your hideousness
Your afterlife:	You will rule hell
Quiz created with MemeGen!

How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
Name
...believe in true love?	yesnoI wish I didI wish I didn'tmost definitelynot until someone proved it to me
Your hands say	With me, you'll never be lost.
Your eyes say	I can't dream anyone more beautiful.
Your hugs say	I promise I will try to keep you safe.
Your kisses say	I am addicted to you.
Your body says	I want to wake up beside you.
Your heart says	Ich liebe dich.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

just another (friday the 13th) day

hehehe. it's friday the 13th today :p hmm. come to think of it, it really is just another day. nothing extraordinarily creepy/unlucky/eerie/scary about days like this. it's supposed to be just as 'special' as saturday the 14th or thursday the 5th. but still.. hehe, i dunno.. just knowing that it's friday the 13th makes me feel that something different is gonna happen today :p

well, different isn't always bad, anyway. i've always had this affinity for the weird or the eerie :p ok, ok.. so it's not just an affinity. more like a.. er.. 'natural attraction' for such things/people, haha :) hmm. i wonder what's gonna happen later. i sure hope it's something i like. i could *definitely* use a 'cheer-upper' today. *sigh*

i made this list of 13 wishes for friday the 13th for my choirmates today. hehe. thought i'd include it here in my post. no sense waiting for my 'cheer-upper'.. might as well try to cheer myself up :p

* may you receive 13 good emails
* may you be able to master 13 songs (for future quartets hehe)
* may you find 13 reasons to smile
* may 13 people remember you with fondness
* may your riches increase 13-fold..
* ..and your generosity increase 13-fold as well
* may the Lord give you 13 small but special blessings..
* ..and your gratefulness to Him increase 13x
* may you find 13 joys for every sorrow..
* ..13 rays of hope for every fear..
* ..and 13 friends for every enemy
* may you do 13 acts of kindness..
* ..and may they all be repaid within 13 days (hehe)

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH EVERYONE! :p

alam mo ba ang ibig sabihin ng 'surreal'? :p

kakaiba ang araw na 'to. sobra. ewan ko nga ba. pero parang sobrang daming nangyari kahit wala naman. haha. hindi ko talaga maintindihan. pati nga pagsulat ko ngayon, kakaiba. hahaha. ayos lang. paminsan-minsan naman e matuto naman akong gumamit ng sariling wika hehehe.

paggising ko pa lang kaninang umaga, iba na talaga ang pakiramdam ko. parang inaantok na hyper. haha. meron ba nun? meron siguro.. kasi un ang naramdaman ko kanina. siguro may 'hangover' pa ako sa pagkapagod at pagkainis ko kahapon (pambihirang mga miting kasi 'yan e.. letch!). pero pagbangon ko naman, medyo hyper ang feeling. tipong gusto kong maghanap ng makukulit at maaasar. hehehe.

pagdating sa klase (hindi ako na-late, kahit 7.40am na 'ko umalis ng bahay Ü), natuwa ako kasi medyo matino naman ang homeroom ko. at sa tingin ko naintindihan nila ang tinuro ko (aba, for the first time 'ata.. nakinig sila! wahahahaha :p) hindi ako namroblema. hmm. kala ko pa naman mahihirapan ako sa mga grade10 ko ngayon araw na 'to dahil picture taking day ngayon. haha. buti na lang mali ang akala ko hehe.

nag-picture taking kami ng homeroom ko kaninang mga 1.30pm. dapat 4pm pa kami magpapakuha.. pero napaaga ang schedule namin (sa isang 'di ko rin maintindihang dahilan) kaya nandun kami lahat sa ilalim ng matinding sikat ng araw. babad sa init at tumatagaktak ang pawis (pwera ako.. syempre, forever 'poised' daw ba, hehehe). mabuti na lang lahat kami ay nagdala ng 'shades' - kaya 'cool' kami tingnan kahit sobrang mainit, wahahaha. lakas din ng trip ng section namin - nagkurbata pa talaga silang lahat. pero hindi ako nagdala ng necktie. sukdulan na 'yon.. hehe. may hangganan naman ang pakikisama ko 'no.. ;-)

wala naman talagang espesyal na nangyari ngayon.. pero sobrang iba lang talaga ang pakiramdam ko. masaya na makulit na parang naaasar na gustong magtaray na naiinip na natutuwa na hindi talaga mawari kung ano na ba ang nangyayari. bwahahahahaha. one word: SURREAL Ü maulit pa kaya ang ganitong araw? hmm. sana oo. sana hindi Ü

RAWRRRRR!!!

i am in a foul mood today. in a *very* foul mood. beware. do not cross me. i'm tired. very tired. it's been one loooooong day. was able to sleep at around 2.30am already. woke up at 6.45am to get ready for school. though it's a wednesday, i had to be there 'coz we had our monthly department meeting, followed by a faculty meeting and a grade level meeting.

if you know me quite well, you'd also know that i have as much fondness for meetings as a vampire has for sunlight. i absolutely *loathe* meetings. sitting in one place for endless hours.. listening to a bunch of people talking about things that do not matter to me one bit.. and that make no sense at all just does not appeal to me in the least. hmm. i wonder why.

i stayed at school from 8.30am to 3.30pm and i was sooooo drained! to top it off, i had to go to megamall immediately afterwards so we could meet up with my tita amy and tita vix and have time for snacks before the prayer meeting. hmm. no time for rest at all. no wonder i had a splitting headache while singing.

it is only now (at 10.30pm) that i am able to rest a bit. great. so this entry is really a RANT. one long rant. it does not do justice to the frustration and exhaustion i feel.. but i don't give a hoot about creativity right now. i'm tired and grumpy. deal with it.

uh-oh.. :p

You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours! English 100% Journalism 83% Psychology 75% Philosophy 75% Linguistics 75% Engineering 67% Mathematics 58% Biology 58% Theater 58% Dance 50% Art 42% Sociology 42% Chemistry 33% Anthropology 33% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

oh great. am i totally in the wrong field?!?! hahahahaha.. :p perhaps i should seriously consider working on something else, hehehehe

70 x 7

i'm soooo thankful God doesn't use His calculator on me.. :p hehe.. just my current thoughts right now, before going to sleep

aaauuuugggggghh!!

for the past hours i've been trying to get my sun cellular phone to find a decent signal. i tried going out of the house.. going to my bedroom.. living room.. dining area.. etc. no luck. i tried turning my phone on and off in the hopes of "jumpstarting" the signal. didn't work. i tilted my phone in every possible position.. waiting for that elusive bar to appear on the screen. hopeless. great. just the thing i need to top off one frustrating day.

this morning, i once again came face to face with a bunch of talkative, hyper and totally distracted students. it took all my willpower and self-control *not* to snap at them and walk out of the classroom (after all, it's not good to start the year doing that). hmm. come noontime, i realized that i could not do the (long overdue) financial report for batch 2005 because the receipts have not yet been submitted to me 'til now. after lunch, a parent gave me her partial payment for her son's graduation fee.. and to my dismay, i left the receipts at home. haha. later in the afternoon, we had our department picture taking. belatedly, i realized that i hadn't combed my hair nor even looked at the mirror to see what kind of state i was in. hahaha. wonderful.

when i got home, i played this computer game, zuma. it was fun.. and quite addicting. unfortunately, i couldn't get past level 3. another buildup of frustration. i gave up after about an hour or so. i literally felt my head spinning.. i had to take a nap. woke up at 6.30pm and ate a quick dinner. i was in a hurry 'coz i was supposed to tutor a family friend's daughter (i even turned down another tutee because of this appointment). it's now 7.30pm and it seems she won't be coming over after all. grrrrrreeaaaat. (oh, maybe she's texting my sun number to say she can't make it.. i don't know. i wouldn't know because the effing phone can't get a decent signal!!!)

whatta day..

caffeine fix

since yesterday i noticed i've been acting hyper. hyper as in laughing hard uncontrollably.. cracking silly, wacky, corny jokes.. acting weird (ok, more weird than usual hehe).. being extremely animated.. and generally behaving like a hummingbird :p

i guess it got worse after bfl, bfh, cousin almi and i went to starbucks after lunch. one tall toffee nut latte (blended, with 1 equal) later, and i could literally feel myself starting to become even more hyper. hypertothepointthatijustcouldn'tseemtostoptalkingandlaughingandcommentingon
howcutethatbaristaisandactinggenerallyoverhappythatbfhbfl&almiwerestartingtohave
seriousdoubtsaboutmycurrentstateofsanitybwahahahahahahahaha..

oops :p well, you get the picture :p

only 8 more stickers to go and i've got another starbucks planner!

gottahavemoreofthatcoffeeagainsometime..hehehehe :)

1 + 1 = 1

these past few days were all about joy and celebration. today, i just came home from cdr's "non-surprise" birthday party at nancy's. and yesterday, our choirmate yyoni (we all call her 'red') got married to gary, who's also a member of our community. since i already talked about the bday party at my previous post, i'll recount what happened yesterday :)

the wedding ceremony was held at the st. francis chapel at fernwood gardens. hmm.. what can i say?!? coming to their wedding was such a memorable experience for me.

for one thing, the venue was really nice. i've always loved gardens - and fernwood certainly lived up to its name :) i adored the st. francis chapel. its huge glass panes let you appreciate the green trees and plants surrounding the church. the lush vegetation also serves as a wonderful backdrop to the orange motif they chose for their wedding :) oh.. and i also loved the sound of flowing water inside the chapel. the atmosphere was refreshing and intimate. very appropriate for red and gary's wedding :)

after we sang at the mass, we all proceeded to the reception (held at the garden located only a couple of meters from the chapel). the food was *great!* all of them! everything tasted sooooo good! from the roast beef (w/ herb-tomato sauce), porkloin and baked (?) fish.. to the simple white pasta.. to the salads and fruits. but what we *really* loved was the chocolate fountain!! haha.. we had a blast dipping the different fruits (strawberries, bananas, melons, etc), biscuits, wafers and yes.. *mallows* into the chocolate. yumyumyumyum!!! hahaha.. i can't remember being more stuffed than i was last night after eating hahaha :p i expect i've gained another couple of pounds after dinner.. *groan*

going to red & gary's wedding was a real treat for me. but it wasn't just the venue and the food that made it memorable. i guess this wedding was meaningful for me because it's the first one i've attended since our breakup. at first, i thought i'd feel bitter or sad.. but i'm glad i proved myself wrong about that :)

as i listened to fr. mar describe marriage as a *covenant* (as opposed to a contract).. and as i looked at the couple at the altar.. i honestly felt happy and hopeful for them. happy because in this world where most people view commitment, faithfulness and love with cynicism, it's heartwarming to know that there still are those who are willing to 'take the plunge' so to speak. and hopeful because i truly wish them all the best in life :) not just because they are friends.. but also because a lasting marriage serves as a shining example to all those who hope for the same in life.

i don't know if i will ever walk down the aisle. hahahaha. at this point, at least i can honestly say i'm not ready for that. [lack of a 'prince charming' isn't the only reason, hehe.. but that's another blog entry altogether ;-)] someday, *maybe*.. but i'm not rushing. for now, i'm just really grateful that i can be happy for all my friends who are getting hitched. i feel privileged to share in their joys.. and to pray with them for a marriage filled with God's blessings.

birthdays and weddings. ahhhh. they may not be mine.. but i really am glad that God sends me friends.. so that *through them* i may celebrate these special days.. and truly smile :)

life begins at 40..?!

my entire day so far has been one long celebration. well, ok.. it wasn't all about partying really. this morning, my alarm woke me up at 7am. and though i still lacked sleep (sheesh.. could i ever sleep before 1.30am?!), i wasn't groggy at all. [haha. felt like a hummingbird, actually.. i noticed i've been acting hyper since morning hehe]

i went to choir practice with bfh, bfl and cousin dom. since bfh woke up late (8am to be exact), we were able to leave the house at 9am.. and practice was supposed to be from 9am-12nn. [a digression: 9am-11.30am actually. we wanted to be dismissed early so we'd have more time for ran's surprise bday party (which actually turned out to be a nonsurprise hahahaha)] to top it all off, nancy requested us to buy denatured alcohol (for the chafing dish) and crushed ice. off we went.. and we would have been at nancy's by 9.30am. but due to all the stopovers (gosh.. do you know how difficult it is to look for crushed ice at 9am?! we could not find any! not even at pure gold!!), we got to her place at around 10.30am. haha. good thing cdr wasn't teaching anything very difficult :p we were able to catch up quite easily hehe :)

well, practice ended by 11.45am. after that, it was time for pigging out!!! hahaha.. there was so much food at the table. all of them were delicious. we had kaldereta, lumpiang shanghai, "morcon" (well, it looked like it.. but not quite, hehe), lechong kawali (aww, the poor piglet.. *sniff* *sniff*), kalabasa with tinapa (mama liza's special.. yumyum!), puto & dinuguan and matamis na saging. there were also cakes for the bday celebrants (ran, mia, and weng) - chocolate (from sis esther, i think) and the all-time favorite yema cake (my contribution). everyone was stuffed.. bellies sooo sated with all the yummy food. i wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow all our clothes wouldn't fit, hahahaha :p

we all had a great time at today's "feast" - and i know it wasn't just because of the food. celebrations, after all, are not just about merrymaking and stuffing yourselves 'til your buttons all pop. it's about camaraderie.. bonding moments.. spending time with friends.. and the feeling of belongingness. i enjoyed this day 'coz i got the chance to relax and to chat with other choirmates. i was able to just sit with them.. laugh at corny jokes.. take wacky pictures.. etc. [i *really* enjoyed that 'open forum' with sis eleanor, hahahaha. very enlightening :p]

they say life begins at 40. if that's true, then i guess cdr's life is just beginning, haha. but i say, one doesn't have to be 40 for life to start (or start over). because today, i just realized that mine just did.. :)

thank God for so many reasons to smile.. :)

the earth is round

this morning, while browsing through my phone, i found this text message that a friend sent to me a while back:

"People give up on each other sometimes. That's why God made the earth round. So that if two people meant to be friends would decide to walk different paths, still, at one point, the ends of their roads will meet again."

i agree. i suppose everything comes full circle. broken relationships have the chance to mend. broken hearts, in time, will heal. bad decisions can be undone. well, not all the time. but no matter how many wrong turns we make, God can always lead us back on track. we may not be able to go back to where we started.. but He is able to create new paths that will bring us to our destination safely. with a few detours and some 'colorful adventures' to boot :p

it gives me great assurance to know that He is in charge of my life. that my failures, as well as my triumphs, can all be used to make me a better person. that my mistakes, in His hand, can be turned into wonderful lessons. and that my hurts and fears can help to mold me into the kind of person He wants me to be.

we may have chosen to walk different paths. and now our roads meet again. while we no longer walk hand in hand, i'm glad the Lord brought us together again.. to walk side by side :) thank God He made the earth round :)

on birthdays and celebrations

today is choir director rannie's birthday (life begins at 40.. or so they say, haha). yesterday (jan04) was friend carolle's 18th (she's now officially a lady hahaha) and student charm's 16th (happy sweet!). hmm. birthdays and celebrations. do they always go hand in hand?

=================================================
i prepared my own packed lunch this morning (haven't done that in a looooong time) - dumplings, rice and rhum cake. not exactly standard fare, but i was looking forward to it. anyway, charm informed me that she turned sweet sixteen yesterday.. and she'd be treating her classmates and other friends to lunch today. haha. great. i picked a great day to bring my own lunch :p oh well.. i ended up thanking her for her treat.. and left my own food untouched hehehe.

friend carolle, on the other hand, seemed down in the dumps. i suppose she had a 'blue birthday' yesterday. hmm. wanted to give her a call just to ask how she's doing. but from the way she was responding to my texts when i greeted her on jan04 (1:00am), i guess i'd better wait for a better time :p [and no.. 1am is not an ungodly hour to msg her. she, like me, is a 'night' person] i'm not exactly sure if she "celebrated" on her birthday.. but i certainly hope her mood improved since the last time i talked to her.

now i don't know how cdr is spending his birthday today. maybe with friends and family. but certainly he'll be celebrating. hehe. this is one *very spoiled* guy. don't ask me to elaborate.. hahaha :p
=================================================

hmm. i'm suddenly reminded about my birthday last year. it wasn't eventful.. wasn't exactly what i'd call joyful or 'celebratory.' but it was special. oh, i didn't get my birthday wishes.. and i was heartbroken at the time. i had a lot of burdens and things that weighed heavily on my mind. and yet, it was a moment of grace.. where the Lord made me feel the love of so many people, in the midst of loneliness and a deep sense of loss.

what's so special about birthdays, anyway? why all the fuss and excitement? and is there really reason to celebrate? hmm. honestly.. i'd have to say yes. no matter how sad one may feel.. or how bad things seem to be. there's always a reason to celebrate and be thankful. this quote says it quite well, actually:

"The more you praise and celebrate your life,
the more there is in life to celebrate." -Oprah Winfrey

birthdays are special moments of grace. call me naive.. but i believe that on these days, God is more inclined to grant our prayers and petitions. hmm. or maybe on these special days, He gives us an additional sprinkling of wisdom.. to see His workings in our lives, and to marvel at His perfect plan for us :) so that in the end, we end up asking Him for what He intended to give us in the first place :)

yup.. there really are so many reasons to celebrate life, love and the Lord :) not just on birthdays.. but everyday :p

ramblings of an insomniac

what happens when a rain-loving, blog-addicted CSI (and House, MD) junkie perenially in need of a caffeine fix goes to bed at 11pm? nothing. 'coz sleep doesn't come. not until around 2.30am, that is. in spite of the early class hours the following day. and despite the fact that the body is extremely tired and the eyes are strained from all the hours spent in front of the PC :p

i tried counting sheep. unfortunately, my mind cannot conjure ovine images realistic enough for my taste. all i could come up with were cute "cartoony" sheep that unsuccessfully hop over wooden fences (complete with a backdrop of a blue sky and bright green grass). the picture looks disturbingly like a screensaver i'd like to see on a PC monitor (imagine the "tripping" sheep falling all over each other on one side of the fence) that i end up laughing inwardly and not getting any sleep at all.

one time, i took a friend's advice and drank milk before going to bed. unfortunately, my semi-lactose intolerant stomach didn't take kindly to that. hmm. bad move.

i also tried listening to music. the other night, i took my trusty mp3 player to bed with me.. put on the earphones.. and proceeded to listen to my favorite songs. i was so into the soundtrip that i found myself even more awake than before i tried to go to sleep. sheesh.

some say prayers help. hmm. yes, i guess they do. but most times, it's either (1) my prayer is too short 'coz i couldn't come up with anything to say; (2) my prayer is too long 'coz i have a lot of things on my mind; (3) my prayer doesn't make sense 'coz my brain's all muddled up; (4) my prayer is too intent 'coz i have one or two major 'issues' that i can't seem to get rid of. so what happens is (1) i don't get to sleep 'coz only a couple of short minutes passed - not enough to become sleepy; or (2) i don't get to sleep 'coz i was too focused on my prayer that i 'wake myself up' in the process; or (3) i don't get to sleep 'coz i spend all night trying to sort through my confused brain; or (4) i don't get to sleep 'coz my nose is all stuffy from crying over my 'issues.' bottom line: i don't get to sleep :p

so. counting sheep doesn't help. neither does milk. nor music. and prayer lulls me to sleep only when my brain allows it to. hmm. does anyone have advice to give this sleep-deprived ranter? :p

my kind of mystery

one of my favorite songs. used to sing it a while back. but now it has new meaning. i may not have that "love" right now.. but just the same, these words still ring true. love still is mysterious. wouldn't have it any other way..


LOVE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS
(Julia Fordham)

Who'd have thought this is how the pieces fit?
You and I shouldn't even try making sense of it
I forgot how we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons but I don't know what they are
So blame it on my heart

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising when love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery how you ever came to me
Which only proves love moves in mysterious ways

Heaven knows love is just a chance we take
We make plans but then love demands a leap of faith
So hold me close and never ever let me go
'Cause even though we think we know which way the river flows
That's not the way love goes, no

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising when love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery how you ever came to me
Which only proves love moves in mysterious ways

Like the ticking of the clock, two hearts beat as one
But I'll never understand the ways it's done

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising when love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery how you ever came to me
Which only proves love moves in mysterious ways
Love moves in mysterious ways

inspiring thought for today

it's the first working day of the year for me today. hmm. 2006 brings a lot of uncertainty and doubt. but i draw strength from this reflection (taken from streams in the desert), which i'm now sharing with all of you.. :)

"i [will] move along slowly at the pace of the droves before me and that of the children." (Gen 33:14)

what a beautiful picture of jacob's thoughtfulness for the cattle and the children! he would not allow them to be driven too hard for even one day. he would not lead them at a pace equal to what a strong man like esau could keep or expected them to keep, but only one as fast as they were able to endure. he knew exactly how far they could go in a day, and he made that his only consideration in planning their travel. he had taken the same wilderness journey years before and knew from personal experience its roughtness, heat and distance. and so he said, "i [will] move along slowly." "since you have never been this way before" (josh 3:4).

we "have never been this way before," but the Lord Jesus has. it is all untraveled and unknown ground to us, but He knows it all through personal experience. he knows the steep places that take our breath away, the rocky paths that make our feet ache, the hot and shadeless stretches that bring us to exhaustion, and the rushing rivers that we have to cross - Jesus has gone through it all before us. as john 4:6 shows, "Jseus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down." He was battered by every possible torrent, but all the floodwaters coming against Him never quenched His love. Jesus was made a perfect leader by the things He suffered. "He knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust" (ps 103:14) think of that when you are tempted to question the gentleness of His leading. He remembers all the time and will never make you take even one step beyond what your feet are able to endure. never mind if you think you are unable to take another step, for either He will strengthen you to make you able, or He will call a sudden halt, and you will not have to take it at all.

frances riley havergal

a major ego boost :p

i got this poem from friend hazel's LJ account.. and i just *loved* it :p
well, it's a new year.. and if she can claim this poem as her own, i suppose i can too :)
i'm not just gorgeous. i'm *phenomenal* hahahaha!
look out world.. here i come! :)


Phenomenal Woman
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

start the year with a prayer

for our family, 2006 started, not with a bang, but with prayers. hehe.. our morning of 01 january was spent at the daughters of st. paul convent along FB harrison. our rivers community held its live tv mass there :)

before the mass started, the sisters invited us to join them in their morning prayers. admittedly, i wasn't used to praying the way they did.. with a prayer book and antiphons and canticles (i often couldn't figure out what page to turn to hahaha). but praying and singing along with them gave a sense of peace and serenity. it helped to calm the mind and spirit. hmm. i guess it was a good way to start the year :p

after the mass, some of us in the community went to have lunch at aristocrat roxas blvd. hehe. the food was good and (once again) i was stuffed!! *groan* i just know i'll gain back all those pounds i've lost.. :( time to diet, diet, diet!!! (hahaha.. just like friend eya said, this is probably going to be a year of dieting)

we then went to have our caffeine fix at starbucks. guess which starbucks branch we visited? we went to.. (drumroll please!!!).. MEGAMALL!!! hahahahahahahahahaha.. that was just so funny. i thought we've avoided that place for once.. but nooooo!! hehe.. it's not that i don't like megamall. but it's been a second home to me (literally!) for the past 10 years - what with us being there at least twice a week, every week since 1995. haha. owel.. guess it's hard to get that place out of our system now :p

by 4pm, my parents and i *finally* left megamall. we proceeded to manila doctors to visit an aunt who recently underwent brain surgery (she had a malignant cyst removed from her brain). it was surprising to see her recovering so quickly just after the operation. only 3 days after her ordeal, she was already speaking coherently, laughing, able to make full use of her arms and legs and looking generally healthy. i suppose this is one miraculous healing from the Lord.. and we are very fortunate to witness it first hand :)

so went the first day of this new year :p now, it's back to work for most (but for me, work starts tomorrow). slowly, the days will go back to their usual routine.. and whatever 'magic' of the holidays will wane. but that's ok. 2006 started out pretty well. i just hope and pray that the next 364 remaining days will turn out just like yesterday.. if not better :)

live life to the fullest!! happy 2006 to all :p

new-born

IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF 2006!!! :P

i found these "eggs" at friend oviler's LJ account and thought i'd adopt some myself :) well, it's a new year, after all.. and it would be nice to umm.. take care of something, albeit virtually hehe :p

they're supposed to hatch after a while.. and 'til then, i wouldn't know what my "pets" look like. hmmm. kinda like my life right now, i'd say. i know something great is ahead.. i just don't know what form it'll take.. hehe.

new hope and new life. here are my future pets to symbolize these :p happy new year, all!