the sound of one heart breaking

today i finished reading the book soulmate lent me - "on the verge" by karen kunawicz. i enjoyed all the essays contained in it. but this has gotta be my favorite. i guess it's the one i can relate to the most. am i heartbroken right now? no.. not really. but i still can relate to this piece. it's the ultimate "so depressing it's beautiful" piece, hehe.

*sigh* this is one essay i wish i had been able to write. oh well. read on, people.. you'll know why i love it so much..

I still recall the taste of my tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
I just want something
I just want something I can never have.
--Nine Inch Nails
"Something I Can Never Have"

Habang
Napupunit nang dahan-dahan
Ang iyong papel na puso—
Tahimik na tahimik
Tila walang nangyayari.
--Rayvi Sunico
"Kung Paano Magpaalam"

I'm riding high on a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains
--Garbage
"I'm Only Happy When It Rains"

Ever come across this zen koan that JD Salinger used in one of his books?

You know, the one that asks what is the sound of one hand clapping. I don’t know the answer to that one. But ask me what’s the sound of one heart breaking and I might have an answer.

Welcome to the dark side of love.

What is the sound of one heart breaking?

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat.

It’s the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word “goodbye,” it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it’s the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it’s the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It’s the sound of the rain that doesn’t ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there’s no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of “I love you” burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without him.

The sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear. It’s the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn’t there, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it’s the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it’s the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn’t always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.