my sinusoidal ride

I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME
Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize--don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

I'll close my eyes then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me 'til then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight..

* * *

whenever i get all confused about heart matters.. or when a certain someone starts sending me mixed signals again.. i write. no, not here.. but in my private journal. i write down all the things i feel. i write about my anger and frustration. i write about the things i love. i write about what i wish would happen. i write about anything and everything that comes to mind. and so far.. everytime i write down my heart wishes, they come true. i get freaked out by it, actually. it's scary to let your hopes up when you're feeling this down..

it's really strange to alternate between feelings of determination and frustration. i know i've been through this more than a hundred times before. felt this way so often that my highs and lows number more than the cycles in a sinusoidal graph. but apparently, i have not yet learned. i just continue to ride the wave - from crest to trough and back - hoping against all hope that i wouldn't have to go through another valley anytime soon.

"Just give me 'til then to give up this fight.. and I will give up this fight.."

hahaha. yeah, right. when hell freezes over, maybe.