hypnotized

HYPNOTISED
Simple Minds

I can feel the whole world spinning around
I'm losing ground
I feel it every day
And I can feel you coming inside out
I'm losing touch with all reality
I remember the look in your eyes
The way that they pulled me inside
All I've got now in my defence is my innocence
I've been hypnotised

I can hear the church bells ringing out
Reminds me of some bright and sunshine day
When all the pretty horses you would ride
Would come right back to feel your energy

I still remember the look in your eyes
The way that they filled me inside
All I've got now in my defence
Is my innocence
I've been hypnotised

You know it won't be easy
It's never easy
I've been hypnotised
It won't be easy

So tell me what you think
Do you think I'll sink Number one scapegoat?
I'm the missing link
All I know I've been Hypnotised

It won't be easy

If you've got a heart that burns inside
Let me get inside let me tangle with the flames
If you've got a light that burns inside
The heat will rise and melt down once again

I'm waiting for a sign, help me realign
Maybe it's a sin I know but it's not a crime
All I know, I've been hypnotised

Maybe there's a way I can find a way
Final hour Judgement day
All I know, I've been hypnotised

And then I realise

* * *

they say smart people are easier to hypnotize 'coz their minds are able to concentrate more (or does that have something to do with the subconscious? hmm.. i forget) i don't know if that's true or not. all i know is that i don't ever want to be hypnotized. but then again.. maybe i already am. freaky.

longing

Awit ng Paghahangad
based on Psalm 63
Lyrics and Music by Charlie Cenzon, SJ

O D’yos Ikaw and laging hanap
Loob ko’y Ikaw ang tanging hangad
Nauuhaw akong parang tigang na lupa
Sa tubig ng ‘Yong pag-aaruga.

Ika’y pagmamasdan sa dakong banal
Nang makita ko ang ‘Yong pagkarangal
Dadalangin akong nakataas aking kamay
Magagalak na aawit ng papuring iaalay.

Refrain:
Gunita ko’y ikaw habang nahihimlay
Pagka’t ang tulong Mo sa t’wina’y taglay.
Sa lilim ng Iyong mga pakpak,
Umaawit akong buong galak.

Aking kaluluwa’y kumakapit sa ‘Yo
Kaligtasa’y t’yak kung hawak Mo ako
Magdiriwang ang Hari, ang D’yos S’yang dahilan
Ang sa Iyo ay nangako galak yaong makakamtan.

Gunita ko’y ikaw habang nahihimlay
Pagka’t ang tulong Mo sa t’wina’y taglay
Sa lilim ng Iyong mga pakpak,
Umaawit, umaawit, umaawit akong buong galak..

* * *

this was one of the songs we practised tonight for the pentecost celebration. it's actually a favorite of mine. i love the words and the melody. it talks about longing.. and waiting. hmm. yeah, i would know about that. definitely.

anyway, not much to post today.. hence, i'm back to songposts. i'm wishing for rain again.. *sigh*

on jeepneys & gender discrimination

today, X and i went to glorietta. no special occasion, really - guess he just wanted to hang out before the summer break is through.

my car was at the repairshop, though.. so to get to makati, we had to commute. yes.. COMMUTE! as in ride the jeepney to cubao then take the mrt to makati. it's been almost a year since i've ridden a jeep (last time, the fare was only P5.50). i don't miss commuting. not a bit. even the mrt ride was weird. they now segregate the males from females. hmmm. talk about gender discrimination. oh well. i had to ride from cubao to makati all alone.. with nobody to talk to. hmp. bummer.

had lunch at mcdo (yup.. mcdo! haha.. was craving for their chicken nuggets with honey mustard sauce.. YUM!) then we watched da vinci code. yeah, i watched it.. AGAIN. sheesh. X hasn't seen the movie yet.. and he really wanted to watch it.. so there. well, at least i was able to sit at an airconditioned room and relax for 2 1/2 hours, haha. hayyy.. kundi ko lang talaga "labs" si X.. hehehe :p

picked up the car from the repairshop at around 2.30pm. i was able to convince X to take a cab with me going there. ha! no way was i going to commute on the way back home (i will *not* spend the mrt ride by my lonesome.. and i am *not* going to ride in a jeepney only to come out smelling like smoked meat). so we got my car (after i spent more than P2000 for the repairs.. boo hoo hoo) and headed home.

so now here i am. just got home.. and once again getting ready to go out. sheesh. we have choir prax with SGS at 6.30pm (vibal house). i'm not tired.. but sometimes i kinda wish my life would have a slo-mo button. hmmm. i think i'm gonna watch that movie "click" hehehe :p

still smiling

i've been happily smiling for the past week. hmmm. it feels good to be in high spirits. hehehe. it's nice to see my eyes sparkle for a change. *sigh* i hope this continues.. i'm going to need all the happiness i can get - given the overly-hectic sked we have this coming weeks (read: practices for the pentecost celebration on saturday, 03june.. regular tv masses.. start of classes.. recording.. pope's day on 27june.. yada yada yada)

but i thank God that he continues to give me strength.. that He continues to sustain me. i'm grateful that i do not get sick.. and that though i am tired, physically.. i am able to cope a lot better than i have for the past years :p

today, for example, was another long day. i served at the tv mass this morning - then went malling afterwards. as usual, i went on a shopping spree at powerbooks (i'll post entries about the books i bought next time). i got several books that cost around P2000 all in all - so i got a powercard discount of 10% [yup.. that's a tip to all you guys who have powercard - ipunin niyo na lang ang mga bibilhin ninyong libro kung pupuwede.. at sabay-sabay ninyong bilhin para makatipid kayo hehe] i'm an extremely satisfied bookworm today :p

by 2.30pm i was off to st paul makati to sing for the ordination ceremonies of two new pauline priests. i was excited as it was my first time to watch priests being ordained. well, suffice it to say that in spite of the very hot and humid weather, i was glad i came over. here are some pix from the ordination this afternoon:


the mass was solemn yet festive. it was really a blessing to be part of that ordination. and it's during moments like this when i truly appreciate being part of our church's choir. 'coz in spite of the hectic schedules, i know that His grace and His blessings all come pouring down on us. and the privilege of serving Him through our music and songs.. well, that's more than enough reward for me.. and one of the biggest reasons why up to now, i'm still smiling :)

go fish!

i missed choir prax today. and yeah, i know that there are soooooo many songs left to practice and all.. but hey.. it's just right that i spend time with my *real* family too :p

it's a post-mother's day celebration for the velasquez "clan" (haha.. right. if you can call us that - four of us cousins, my parents, my ninang/tito lui, and my tito joe/tita amy - what a "clan" haha). we went to "isdaan" in tarlac. we just thought it would be a good idea to go to a different place this year :)

well, cousin domz and i had a blast (of course, cousins ta & gabo enjoyed, as well). the food was ok (grabe, tataba na naman ako nito eh!!!).. and the place was great - lots of fun stuff to try out that are not available here in qc.


domz crossed the bridge-cum-obstacle course thingy.. and won a kilo of fish for his efforts :p the kids rode a cart drawn by a small goat (or was that sheep?!) we even tried throwing plates at the "tacsiyapo" wall :p haha. that was a great stress-reliever (i inadvertently hit the sign that said "lover/fling" ahahahahahaha) it would have been perfect.. if only the sun weren't so darned hot :(

from "isdaan" we went to visit a sick relative.. and renewed ties with other cousins (second cousins, actually). domz played the piano and i sang a bit. oh.. and cousins ta & gabo went with me across the street to buy some chichirya from a sari-sari store. haha. that was fun.

we headed home around 6pm. we stopped over first at vilmar's to grab a quick supper. thankfully, it was no longer hot (oh, my rain wish was granted once again - though a bit belatedly, hehe. i guess my patience is being tested once more). i dozed off a bit on the way home.. with my trusty zen micro playing mp3's to lull me to sleep.

well. it's been quite a day. i'm tired but really happy :) happy, happy, happy. aaahhhhhh. i love my life right now.. :p

drown the sun!!!

this day is sooooooooooooo sizzling hot!!! and i mean that in a BAD way. i spent my entire day outside under the sweltering heat of the sun. without my car. without my sunblock. grrrreat. my skin just got zapped by thousands of invisible UV rays that couldn't wait to fry me.

well, at least it's been a productive day. in the morning, i went to berea to give a math7 LSC lecture. thanks to dad for bringing me there - saved me about P100 worth of cab fare. then by 12nn i was at ortigas. i wasn't able to eat lunch 'coz i was in a hurry to enter grades and stuff.. so i was kinda hungry by the time i left (around 2pm). by 2.30pm i was at educ, getting my certification for my journal article. i walked to upis (hot, hot, hot!!!) to give a copy to ate lita.. then grabbed a cab going home (not before dropping by LSC first to get my pay, hehehe).

all in all, i spent about P300 just for taxi fare. but heck.. it was worth it. i just HATE the heat. i'd rather pay than have to commute in this weather.

not totally unreachable

this morning, i was once again listening to my forever-companion - my trusty zen micro :) this song popped out of nowhere.. and well.. hahaha. WALA LANG!!! :p

i'm happy. i really am (ask sam - it was kinda obvious to both of us) though i don't know why. weird. *sigh* so in spite of the following lyrics, i am still smiling.. ÜÜÜ


OUT OF REACH
Gabrielle

Knew the signs wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like the fool
So confused, my heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be

Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy every day
I know I will be okay
But I was so confused, my heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain what is lost inside
And I hope that in time, you'll be out of my mind
I'll be over you
But now I'm so confused, my heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be

Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me...

lyric posting

soulmate A opened me up to wonderful song lyrics. i never watched a single episode of dawson's creek.. but these great excerpts make me regret that fact. oh well..

* * *

"I still recall the words you said to me / It's what you did not say that sets me free / Now how can I find peace of mind when you keep coming back again? / It's okay for you to play this game of seesaw with my head"

(Letting Go, Sozzi)

"Thank god for my bad memory / I've forgotten some of the stupid things that I've done / I've come to a little wisdom through a whole lot of failure / So I watch more carefully what rolls off my tongue / You pray for rain / But you don't want it from a storm / You find a rose and cut your finger on a thorn / So go on and cry Ophelia / It's the only thing to do sometimes"

(Cry Ophelia, Adam Cohen)

"I don't want to wait / For our lives to be over / I want to know right know / What will it be / I don't want to wait / For our lives to be over / Will it be yes or will it be sorry"

(I don't want to wait, Paula Cole)

"I have prayed from a distance / Since you've been out of my reach /I can't hold onto reason / And practice what I preach / In my dreams we're together / And there is no one else in my heart / Love is stronger than leather / You should have known right from the start / I am not like other girls / I don't breathe for some days / I want you here and in my arms / I can't just smile and turn away"

(Not like Other Girls, S.O.A.P.)

"I know why you hurt me / I know why I let you / The more you hurt me / The more I can feel you / It's strange, so strange, this pain / This pain that I love"

(This Pain, Adam Cohen)

"spot da deferens" :p

hehehe. just thought i'd post this pic from our LSS last sunday :p that's me with soulmate A and sanny.. along with sis chris & sis carol :)

seeing this picture reminded me that i am quite "magnetically weird" as friend oviler once mentioned, haha :p the closer you are to me, the weirder you probably are, hahaha.

hmmm. let's see how well you know me. if you look closely at my pic, you'll notice something different :) haha. as far as i know, only two people ever notice that about me. then again, like i told soulmate A, i am near-invisible. hence, nobody really spots the difference..

what's the fuss?

today i did something different. i skipped choir practice :) yup.. i was supposed to be at st paul tonight 'coz we had choir practice with members of sgs and oasis of love for the upcoming pentecost celebration. but i already made a "movie date" with mom and dad for the evening so.. goodbye choir prax :p

i know lots of stuff's been said about "da vinci code" - both the book and the movie. i've read the book.. and today i've seen the movie. what can i say?! this is one of those rare times when i actually prefer the movie version to the book.

now, many people condemn dan brown for writing the oh-s0-controversial book. and most of them condemn the movie version as well.. even without having watched it. but i think that's totally unfair. i mean, hey.. i'm a christian. i firmly believe in God and am active in service. but considering the movie objectively, i can honestly say i see nothing wrong with the way it's been made. i did not find it dragging, nor did i find it offensive. it was, just as any other good *fictional* movie, entertaining and well-made.

the movie was a whole lot better than the book - for me, at least. (i especially liked that dialogue between langdon and sophie near the end of the movie - i think it was one of the redeeming qualities of "da vinci code" movie which i did not find in the book).

was my faith in God shaken after having read the book? no. after watching the movie?! heck, NO! as our spiritual director, fr. mario, once said.. "kung matapos mong mapanood ang 'da vinci code' ay kukuwestyunin mo na ang ilang taon mo nang pinaniniwalaan at pinananampalatayanan.. aba, isa lang ang ibig sabihin nun: MABABAW KA!"

'nuff said :)

< (-: 3

today i am happy. and my heart is smiling :)
but i still have stuff to do..
hence, the really short blogpost

so true

BARELY BREATHING
Duncan Sheik

I know what you’re doing,
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion,
you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday
was the day that I was born
There’s not much to examine,
there’s nothing left to hide
You really can’t be serious if you have to ask me why
I say good-bye...

‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay

Everyone keeps asking, what’s it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can’t figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There’s nothing left to reason
and only you to blame
Will it ever change?

‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I’m thinking it over anyway...

I’ve come to find I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?
I rise above or sink below
With every time you come and go
Please don’t come and go

‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I’m thinking it over anyway

* * *

hmmm. today is day 1 of our life in the spirit seminar (LSS) this year. most of my other choirmates went to the opening of mall of asia to sing at the inaugural mass. so yeah, i was left at meralco theater as oic of the ministry. uh-oh. hahaha. i knew it would happen. it almost always does. i mean, whenever i'm left in charge of something, usually something goes wrong.

well, this morning, the sound system sucked bigtime. and the songs were really.. er.. well, they were awry hahaha. great. just great. i don't remember being as bummed out during an LSS. then again, maybe it's just the past days' hectic sked. i dunno. but there i was at meralco, wishing i were with the others at asia mall instead. hmp. i would've liked to see the new mall. even if i had to wear a kimona and tie my hair up in a bun. actually, i would have preferred to be anywhere else except there at meralco theater hehehe.

anyway, i'm back home. thank goodness things improved this afternoon. but by then, my head was throbbing like crazy (and the heat - yes, it was really WARM inside the airconditioned theater! - didn't help at all). bottom line.. i'm glad i'm back here at home. it's been a long day. a long week. a long month. *sigh*

barely breathing. sure describes me nowadays. in more ways than one..

hahahahaha

I SHOULD BE LAUGHING
Patty Smyth

Somewhere in a scrapbook
There's a rose you gave to me
And a photograph that's torn in half
And all that's left is me
And happily ever after darlin'
Well that came after I was gone
They tell you that, you can't go back
Then why can't I go on

When I should be laughing at this joke
Dressed up as love disguised as hope
Isn't it funny after all this time
A tear is falling, when I should be laughing

Sunsets like a painting
Windows like a frame
The night comes in and I begin
To see it all again

When I should be laughing at this joke
The damage done the words I spoke
Isn't it funny after all this time
Regret can find me when I should be laughing

I should be laughing at life and all of the tricks that it plays
I should be laughing at time and how fast it's slipping away

Somewhere in a scrapbook
There's a rose you gave to me
With one last look I close the book
And let the past just be

'Cause I should be laughing at this joke
Dressed up as love disguised as hope
Isn't it funny after all this time
A tear is falling, when I should be laughing

Isn't it funny, I should be laughing
And isn't it funny
I should be laughing
La la la la la la
La la la la la la...

* * *

i heard this song again on my zen micro tonight.. and i thought i'd dedicate it to sam.. :p

it doesn't really apply to me. not anymore, i guess. though yeah, there was a time when it did apply. thankfully, that phase is over. *sigh* but still, one can never be too sure. so i'm keeping my fingers crossed..

'coz i'm smiling now. and yes, even laughing. in spite of the really hectic and busy schedule. in spite of my hoarse voice and tired body. in spite of lots of uncertainty. in spite of paranoia. in spite of so many other things. yup.. i can laugh now.

i hope i'll always be able to..


postscript:
students touie & karl really made me laugh this afternoon, haha. guess i owe them my good mood when i went to meralco. if it hadn't been for their crazy antics, i would've stayed paranoid hahaha. thanx, guys. good luck in your finals :p

blur

Blurry
Puddle of Mudd

everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
preoccupied without you
i cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you 
i stumble then i crawl

refrain:
you could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
i wonder what your doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

chorus:
can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it my face

everyone is changing
there's no one left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause i am lost without you
i cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
i stumble then i crawl

(refrain and chorus)

nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

(chorus)

this pain you give to me

you take it all
you take it all away...
explain again to me
you take it all away
explain again to me
take it all away
explain again

* * *

everything's happening so fast that it's all so blurry. yep, the past days sure have been a blur to me. shuttling from makati to ortigas to makati.. or from katipunan to my lecture and to practice.. then tomorrow it'll be cainta to ortigas to makati. *sigh* this is simply crazy. i mean, yeah, sure, i'm enjoying myself and basically having the time of my life.. but it's still enough to drive me nuts.

and i just remembered that this weekend is LSS weekend. hahaha. great. i am looking forward to the service (it's true - the service relaxes me, really :p) it's just that when i think about it, my sked has never been this crazy. hahaha. blurry, blurry, blurry. everything's spinning.. but hopefully not out of control :p

i hate waiting

WAITING FOR A SIGN
Mary Beth Maziarz

Lately I've been watching my life
play like it's a movie
And I'm feeling kind of lonely
but I've been burned before

And so I've earned this thoughtful type
I wish I were so strong and right
But sometimes I just think that I'm afraid

Refrain:
And waiting for a sign
always waiting for the right time
Hoping that I haven't wasted too much time
waiting for a sign

How have all these centuries of people grabbed their destinies
It seems like that everybody else
is so much better than I am
at taking hold of things that matter,
dealing what happends after

But me,
I'm keeping guard,
just safe and sound

* * *

it's a sunshiny day today. so far, at least. but given the previous days' events, i'm guessing it will rain hard again later in the afternoon. i'm betting on a drizzle at the very least.. but i'm kinda hoping for a downpour, hehe :p

of course, i could be wrong about the weather. nevertheless, i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i'm still wishing for the rain to fall. *sigh* i just don't like waiting too much..

* * *

23.04H (room)

hahaha. so my rainwishes still do come true :p and they were granted earlier than i expected. hmmm. i like my cookie's fortune for me tonight. hahahaha.

48-hour day

it's around 5.30pm. i have only a couple of minutes to check my email and update my blog before i'm off to choir prax (again?!). gee. i've been like a rat on steroids since yesterday - all pumped up and racing everywhere at top speed.

woke up 5am yesterday, just to make sure i get to my LSC lecture at makati on time. by 12nn i was off to my class at ortigas (1-5pm).. then i immediately drove to makati again for choir prax with the other transparochial groups. i got home around 10.30pm last night.. and today, the cycle repeats. it's practically the same sked - except that today, i have a couple of minutes available to update online.

*sigh* my poor, poor voice. my throat hurts from all the talking and lecturing. oh well. after this week, i swear i'm going to pamper myself..

* * *

(22.45H - room) got home from choir practice.. and just finished having my dinner. i'm tired and yet there's still sooooo much left undone! *sigh*

anyway, this song's playing in my zen micro. it made me smile.. sort of :p oh well. i'm back to songposts now - and who can blame me?! i get inspiration from these lyrics.. and lately i've been too darned busy to post my own thoughts. so for the meantime, these will have to suffice - borrowed words from songwriters - lyrics that i choose to make my own :)

Chances Are
Vonda Shepard

Chances are you’ll find me / Somewhere on your road tonight / Seems I always end up driving by / Ever since I’ve known you / It just seems you’re on my way / All the rules of logic don’t apply / I long to see you in the night / Be with you ’til morning light

I remember clearly how you looked / The night we met / I recall your laughter and your smile / I remember how you made me / Feel so at ease / I remember all your grace, your style / And now you’re all I long to see / You’ve come to mean so much to me

Chances are I’ll see you / Somewhere in my dreams tonight / You’ll be smiling like the night we met / Chances are I’ll hold you and I’ll offer / All I have / You’re the only one I can’t forget / Baby you’re the best, I’ve ever met

And I’ll be dreaming of the future / And hoping you’ll be by my side / And in the morning I’ll be longing / For the night, for the night

Chances are I’ll see you / Somewhere in my dreams tonight / You’ll be smiling like the night we met / Chances are I’ll hold you and I’ll offer / All I have / You’re the only one I can’t forget / Baby you’re the best I’ve ever met

buzz buzz buzz

B U S Y

that's all i can say about my day. *sigh* i can't even begin to describe it. oh well. i have to turn in now. my bed beckons. oh. and tomorrow's another equally hectic day. hmm. when it rains, it truly pours..

* * *

happy birthday to spawnee >:p hahaha. i wonder if he'll ever have siblings..

def leppard can relate

the fortune cookie in my blog gives me this reading for today: "your dearest wish will come true" hmmm. i don't know if i should be happy or scared. hahaha. oh well. i must be pretty desperate to be heeding fortune cookies anyway.

"Have you ever needed someone so bad / Have you ever wanted someone / You just couldn't have / Did you ever try so hard / That your world just fell apart / Have you ever needed someone so bad / And you're the one I gotta have /I gotta have you baby" - Def Leppard

fragile floaters

paper boats
nada surf

sit on a train, reading a book
same damn planet every time i look
try to relax and slow my heartbeat
only works when i’m dead asleep
been thinking and drinking all over the town
must be gearing up for some kind of melt-down
all i am is a body floating down-wind
what’s wrong?
nothing
are you sure nothing’s wrong?
yeah
but you’re sad about something
yeah
so tell me what
i don’t know
i can’t tell you
all i am is a body floating down-wind
as the express train passes the local
it moves by just like a paper boat
although it weighs a million pounds
i swear it almost seems to float
and as we pass by each other
our heads all full of bother
we can’t look, we can’t stop
we can’t think, we can’t stop
because we’re stuck in our own paths
and it’s the way it always lasts
and i need something more from you

* * *

nice song. never thought of myself as a paper boat before.. but i suppose i feel a bit like that right now. *sigh* oh well. i'll let tomorrow take care of itself. for now, i'll just allow myself to be a fragile floater.

thank God for popcorn too

You Are a Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bean

You have a strong, distinct flavor that makes you quite controversial. Some people love you, others wish you would disappear forever.

What Flavor Jelly Bean Are You?

* * *

DOIN' JUST FINE
Boyz II Men

There was a time when I thought life was over and out
When you went away from me
My dying heart made it hard to breathe
Would sit in my room
Because I didn't want to have to go out
And see you walking by
One look and I'd break right down and cry

Now you say that you made a big mistake
Never meant to take your love away
But you can save your tired apologies
'Cause it may seem hard to believe, but..

Chorus:
I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
(I don't need you in my life)
I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind

You were my earth, my number one priority
I gave my love to only you
Anything you'd ask of me I would do
But somewhere down the road
You felt a change in the weather
And told me that you had to journey on
A kiss in the wind and your love was gone

Now you say you never meant to play your games
Boy don't you know it's far too late
Because you let our love just fall apart
You no longer have my heart
(Chorus)

When you said goodbye I felt so all alone
There were times at night I couldn't sleep
My heart was much too weak to make it on my own
Baby after all the misery
And pain you put me through
So unfair to me boy
You're no longer my world
And I ain't missin' you at all
(Chorus)

* * *

i am dedicating the song above to my friend sam. and probably partly to friend sanny as well (ok sanny, though i really got confused and a bit miffed during our chat earlier.. maybe one of these days we'll talk more sanely about that again). guys.. you know why the song's for you.. :)

as for me, well, i'm doing just fine right now. in fact, i'm doing more than fine.. thanks to the first heavy rains of summer hehehe :) i'm grateful for a lot of things. and so, before i turn in for the night, here's a short "thank you" list:

i thank God for:
.. my family who puts up with my weirdness and laziness (hehe)
.. my tita ruby who always emails me though i don't always have time to reply (sorry hehe)
.. my zahir who adds zest and color to life
.. my soulmate who knows how to lift up my mood everytime
.. my friend sanny who often drives me nuts
.. my bestfriend lian who learned to love sandman because of me :p
.. my sister hazel who's been trying to meet up with me for the longest time
.. my sarcastic and cynical pal carolle who owes me lunch ;)
.. my students who texted their "get well" msgs to me this am (awww)
.. the pc that's kept me company the entire day
.. lemony snicket whose books entertained me tonight
.. genius neil gaiman who's soooooo gorgeous (i wonder when he'll be back here)
.. creative for replacing my zen micro unit :)
.. nokia for coming up with the N71
.. c.o. bigelow for making such a cool lip balm
.. the bed i'll sleep in and the pillows i'll be hugging in a few minutes

*yawn* yep.. i'm certainly doin' fine.. and more :) and though some people will probably wish that i'll "disappear forever," just the thought that some people do love me ensures that i'll be sleeping with a smile on my face tonight.. :)

cryptography #2

i'm staying home today - my body's aching like crazy and i'm not feeling all that well. guess the past days' hectic schedule has finally caught up with me. oh well..

i sms'd my students earlier to let them know i won't be coming to school this afternoon. i'm glad i have this new phone - it sends messages so much faster than my previous one :) right now i'm whiling away the time listening to the songs in my zen micro. thank God for technology. it never fails to brighten up my day, hehe.

oh.. and i got a pleasant surprise today. my aunt ruby (who's in the US) sent me the "special item" i requested of her. hehe. now i have it - c.o. bigelow's mentha lip balm :) it's not available here in the RP so i had to email her so she can send it over. THANKS A BUNCH, TITA RUBY!!! :p

anyway, for those who have nothing better to do (like me?!), here's something for you to figure out:

@+C&+?
(+#&amp;amp;?

$+ l+#d ?$o d!44+&+/? l!v+@; =)@? l!k+ ?$o l!/+@ ?(#? /+v+& c&o@@; #/d (+&+ $+ #&+ ?og+?(+&; @?#/d!/g clo@+& ?(#/ $+ #&+; B)? $+'&+ @?!ll @?#/d!/g (+&+ )/?o)c(+d; ?oo @c#&+d ?o m#k+ # mov+; $+ $#/? @o m)c( ?o ?o)c(; #/d $+ c#/'? $#!? 4o&+v+&; $+ k/o$ !?'@ d#/g+&o)@; 4o& )@ ?o b+ ?og+?(+&

(o$ do $+ +v+& k++p ?(!@ @+c&+?; (o$ do $+ k++p !? !/ ?(+ d#&k; #/d !4 $+ d#&+ ?o ?#@?+ o)& $+#k/+@@; (o$ co)ld $+ ?+#& o)&@+lv+@ #p#&?; $(y do $+ k++p ?(!@ lov+ ?og+?(+&
D!d/'? $+ k/o$ &!g(? 4&om ?(+ @?#&?; ?(#? $+ $o)ld (#v+ ?o k++p ?(!@ @+c&+?; O& 4o&+v+& @?#y #p#&?

! $#?c( yo) com!/g ?o m+; $#lk!/g !/ ?(+ po)&!/g &#!/; ! c#/'? (+lp look!/g #? yo); $!@(!/g ! co)ld @?#y #$#y; @o m#/y ?!m+@ !'v+ ?&!+d !/ v#!/; ?o clo@+ my +y+@ #/d p&#y !? go+@ #$#y; B)? ! c#/'? @?op my@+l4 4&om 4++l!/g; ?o l+? yo) go $o)ld b+ ?oo m)c(; 4o& m+ ?o ?#k+

(o$ do $+ +v+& k++p ?(!@ @+c&+?; (o$ do $+ k++p !? !/ ?(+ d#&k; #/d !4 $+ d#&+ ?o ?#@?+ o)& $+#k/+@@; (o$ co)ld $+ ?+#& o)&@+lv+@ #p#&?; $(y do $+ k++p ?(!@ lov+ ?og+?(+&
D!d/'? $+ k/o$ &!g(? 4&om ?(+ @?#&?; ?(#? $+ $o)ld (#v+ ?o k++p ?(!@ @+c&+?; O& 4o&+v+& @?#y #p#&?

! c#/'? (+lp ?(!/k!/g; $(+/ ! look !/?o yo)& +y+@; (o$ m)c( ! /++d yo); !?'@ @o (#&d ?o (!d+

(o$ do $+ +v+& k++p ?(!@ @+c&+?; (o$ do $+ k++p !? !/ ?(+ d#&k; #/d !4 $+ d#&+ ?o ?#@?+ o)& $+#k/+@@; (o$ co)ld $+ ?+#& o)&@+lv+@ #p#&?; $(y do $+ k++p ?(!@ lov+ ?og+?(+&
D!d/'? $+ k/o$ &!g(? 4&om ?(+ @?#&?; ?(#? $+ $o)ld (#v+ ?o k++p ?(!@ @+c&+?; o& 4o&+v+& @?#y #p#&?.

same old brand new

AT LAST!! hahaha.. after two weeks of waiting, i *finally* have my zen micro mp3 player back :)

they had to replace the unit (it was still under warranty anyway).. which is fine with me. but now i have to re-load songs into this new player. oh.. and i have to fix the tags (of those 1100 songs) manually again. *sigh* this is gonna take me forever..

but at least i have my music back again. ahhhhhh. i cannot complain :) i missed my zen micro terribly. now perhaps i can sleep well once more, hehehehe..

umuulan tuwing kapiling ka

TUWING UMUULAN AT KAPILING KA
Regine Velasquez

Pagmasdan ang ulan
Unti-unting pumapatak
Sa mga halaman at mga bulaklak
Pagmasdan ang dilim
Unti-unting bumabalot
Sa buong paligid ay umuulan

Kasabay ng ulan bumubuhos ang 'yong ganda
Kasabay ng hanging kumakanta
Maari bang huwag ka nang
Sa piling ko’y lumisan pa
Hanggang ang langit ay tumila na?

[chorus 1]
Buhos na ulan, aking mundo’y lunuring tuluyan
Tulad ng pag-agos mo,
Di mapipigil ang puso kong nagliliyab
Pag-ibig ko’y umaapaw
Damdamin ko’y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

Pagmasdan ang ulan unti-unting tumitila
Ikaw rin magpapaalam na
Maari bang minsan pa
Mahagkan ka’t maiduyan ka
Sakbibi ka’t ulan lamang ang saksi?

[chorus 2]
Minsan pa ulan bumuhos ka’t
H’wag nang tumigil pa
Hatid mo ma'y bagyo
Dalangin ito ng puso kong sumasamo
Pag-ibig ko’y umaapaw
Damdamin ko’y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

Maari bang minsan pa
Mahagkan ka’t maiduyan ka
Sakbibi ka’t ulan lamang ang saksi?

* * *

i love it when it rains. i really, really do. it's a deliriously giddy kind of happiness that i feel whenever rain comes pouring down :) i can only describe it as insane.. and i don't mind at all, haha :p

keep me away from the sun that burns my skin and stings my eyes. give me, instead, grey clouds and overcast skies. sing me no sunny summer songs. i'll always choose my rainy tunes :) hahaha. rainlover. that's me. guess i forever will be..

oh. and believe me.. the title is true. it's sooooo true :p

today is tomorrow

hahahaha. this will probably be the looooongest day i'll ever go through. a dizzying spiral of a day. *sigh* what's up? hmm. ok here goes:

1. last night (or more accurately, *early* this morning) i got to sleep around 1am. i've been racking my brains for a mom's day article for our church's newsletter. unfortunately, i ran out of creative juices. more unfortunately, my brain couldn't stop thinking.. hence, i could not sleep.

2. i woke up 4.30am - much against my will, hehe. but it did me good.. i had an hour or so to slowly wake myself up - so i could start working on my article hehe :p

3. started my article already - hopefully i'll be done by 6.30am. er.. that is, i *have* to finish it by 6.30am or my extremely tight sked today will be disrupted because..

4. i have to leave by 7.30am to get to my 8am lecture for LSC (at ISO, ateneo). this will be my first math lecture for LSC this summer. great. i have not yet prepared for this. i just hope my mind can handle all those word problems hahaha :p

5. from ateneo i'll have to drive to ortigas for my 1-5pm classes. that's fine with me 'coz i enjoy teaching the kids, anyway. however..

6. we have choir practice from 6-7.30pm in makati. another long drive for me. (darn it.. all this driving is making me miserably poor) *sigh* hopefully the traffic will be light.

7. as if my sked isn't hectic enough, we have recording (for our christmas CD) from 8pm onwards (i say "onwards" 'coz we never really know what time we'll be done. we usually go home around 12am). i sure hope we finish early tonight. i really need to get some sleep.

so there. my day has barely started and yet i've already lived through it in my mind. hahaha. tomorrow is today.. or today is tomorrow. whatever. i gotta get this article done asap..

yada yada yada..

SOMEBODY WARM
Fifth Dimension

Hey I really wanna tell you
Those dark shining eyes
Will bring you down
They will never bring you true love
I think you know what I mean
So I've given it some thought
And come up with a real good scheme

(And) What you need
Is somebody warm like me
Who would bring you rainbows
When everybody else knows
Now and then there's some snow
Oh honey you know

What you need
Is somebody warm like me
There ain't no doubt about it
If you really think about it
You know I am right
You know I'm what you need

Hey she's really gonna hurt you
I've seen her before
And I know her style
She will never bring you true love
I hope you're gonna understand
'Cause I lay awake at night
To come up with a perfect plan

something good

after more than a week of 'grieving' for my dead nokia 6600, i finally got my 'new love' hehe.

mom dad and i went to the nokia center at gateway this afternoon. i was dead set on getting an n70.. but it was out of stock. then i saw the n71.. and decided that it was the new phone for me :p

so here i am.. crazy over my new cell phone.. and still befuddled 'coz i haven't figured out how to maximize all its features. oh well. this will keep me busy for the next couple of days.. :)

will i will or will i not will

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay."" Heb 10:35-37

God´s will is that you will. He wills that you will remain confident in Him - that you will persevere in your efforts to be disciplined in your faith. He wills that you receive the rich rewards He holds for those who seek Him. He wills to be your strength, when you feel you´ve lost the will to carry on. He wills to always be your fortress, when you feel your willpower is failing.

God says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze" (Isa. 43:2).

Your will might be weak, but God´s will is to strengthen. Your will might be fragile, but God is always faithful. "He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed" (Dt. 31:8).

Where you cannot...God will.

* * *

perfect. just perfect. wise words. great timing. but i don't know. i really don't.

will i will or will i not will? *sigh*

TORN
Natalie Imbruglia

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

?!

for the past days i've barely been sleeping. well, not in the *normal* sense, at least. i know i turn in earlier (nowadays i'm already in bed by 11pm) and get up much later than usual (think 9.30am). but i don't really get enough rest. the slightest sound wakes me up.. and my mind continues to think and analyze even in sleep. i can't get it to shut down even for a few hours. great.

i don't want to fret anymore. and i don't want to second-guess. i just want to live each day.. content with whatever life brings. i don't want to have any expectations. i don't even want to have hope. not if it means being disappointed over and over again.

hey sam.. if you're reading this, don't worry. i'll be back. i just need a hiatus from life. my life, at least

ouch!

Matthew 6:24 NIV: No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

When God speaks, He addresses the little things and the great. He addresses the mundane and the exciting. He is interested in every aspect of your life and He has a desire for you in all of it. In times when we fail to recognize Him as Lord of all in our lives, we identify Him as Lord of sometimes, or Lord of some things.

With regard to religious duty, we can be obedient to rules and maintain lordship over our own lives. But in a relationship with Christ wherein we are completely His, we must obey Him moment-by-moment. In this we will come to know His will and allow it to be dominant over our own.

The Spirit is leading us continuously, but we are not always listening. The question is not, "Are you led by the Spirit?" You are led daily and moment-by-moment. The question is, "Will you follow?"

* * *

i cannot think straight. i really can't. i'm soooooooo exhausted. in body and in mind. and there are no feelings.. no words. there's just this great big empty space. and nothing and no one can seem to fill it. *sigh*

i hope this is just a bad case of PMS..

black & white

i know black makes white look whiter; but at the same time, white makes black seem so much blacker :(

in the case of piano keys, it works wonderfully. you need both black and white to make music. but in real life.. *sigh* i dunno..

hmm. unlike guitars and other musical instruments, i have not seen any-other-colored piano keyboard. just black and white. how dull. hehehe.

pardon the ramblings of a mind that's going insane..

wilted

i'm not running out of thoughts.. but today, i ran out of words.
everything just seems so muddled inside my head.
and so, like i always do when words just can't say it..
i'll let the picture speak for itself..

a series of unfortunate events

“and everything starts to fall apart
covered in ink to hide these scars
and everything ends the way it starts
i just wanna feel like i belong”

- earshot (fall apart)

this summer is turning out to be.. interesting. two weeks ago, my car’s air conditioner simply stopped cooling my car (i think the freon leaked). i suffered through several days of driving in the sweltering heat of the metro (i didn’t have time to get the a/c fixed - had to use the car to get to work and then to choir practice). thursday last week, my cell phone “died.” it refused to turn on. no matter how i tried to coax it back to life, it simply wouldn’t. saturday afternoon, i brought my zen micro mp3 player to abenson to have it fixed. the socket for the earphones was grounded. then today.. well, today i was going to go online on my PC to check emails and update my site.. but my computer’s all messed up. apparently, it does not recognize my hard drive. great. just great.

ok.. so halfway through summer, all my favorite things conk out on me one after the other. it’s really quite unbelievable. it would even have been hilarious.. if only it were happening to someone else, and not to me. hmm. the word “jinx” appropriately pops into my mind.

i am, therefore, quite surprised by the way i’m taking all this in stride. a couple of months back, if this happened to me, i probably would have alternated between irritation, bitchiness and despondency. i would have been near-inconsolable over the demise of my cell phone.. as well as the fact that i had no mp3 player to lull me to sleep. i’d have worried myself sick over my PC and all the data that i may not be able to recover. yes, i would have felt all that - *if* all this had happened a few months back.

but this is a different time.. and apparently, i am a different me. and in spite of the fact that things are (quite literally) falling apart all around me, i am still able to smile. and still able to hope.

so what did i learn from this series of unfortunate events? hmm. well, this is my list, so far..
* happiness is not dictated by circumstance. happiness is a choice. i can always choose to smile :)
* there’s no need to lose sleep over material possessions. my favorite things are just that - *things* :) when they conk out, i can get them repaired - or replace them.
* everything happens for a reason. even a string of “bad luck” can teach us something. i wouldn’t have realized how much i’ve changed, if all this hadn’t happened.
* sometimes misfortune isn’t always so bad. i learned a lot about myself and how the Lord has been working in me - all because of my “misfortune” his summer :)

it’s weird, but right now, i’m happy. really happy :) ‘coz i just found out that when everything starts to fall apart, that’s when God can show you how He can make everything - including you - whole again. and in the midst of the seeming chaos and misfortune, there is beauty in seeing His work slowly taking shape. everything is beautiful - even the scars.

“everything ends the way it starts..” i’d have to agree. the Lord started His work on me.. and i know someday i will end up the way He wants me to :)

time travels

spent the entire day immersed in this wonderful, gripping, "unputdownable" book. audrey niffenegger's "the time traveler's wife" is *definitely* the best book i've read this year. it's beautifully written.. and the story really tugs at the heart. oh, there's romance in it, for sure.. but not the sappy kind of romance you read about in those teenage novels. it's a story about love.. the kind that lasts a lifetime.. the kind that transcends time, literally. it's also a story about loss.. something that inevitably goes with truly loving someone.

it's a really, really, really good read. i loooooooove this book. thanx for lending me the book, soulmate :p but i'm definitely going to get my own copy. it sure is worth it.