dancing in the moonlight

there's something really dreamlike about the stars.. the moon.. the sun. celestial bodies - so much a part of our lives that often we take them for granted. and yet, in spite of our familiarity with them, they're always so.. unreachable. unattainable. just like dreams.

* * *

these past days, i get my inspiration from images. just like those in my previous posts. i don't know why. i just feel that they convey my feelings so much more clearly than i could ever put into words. hmmm. not that my thoughts/emotions are too deep or too profound to express. but i can't seem to find the right words.

* * *

i am a singer, not a dancer. i'm not good at dancing.. and i was never interested in it. but at this very moment, i want to dance. not with my body.. but with my heart. i want so much to dance. to dance with someone. a special dance.. beneath the moonlight.. with the stars bearing witness.

* * *

almost 1am and i'm still awake. technically, it's a new day.. but i have not even begun to close the previous one. hmmm. pretty soon i'll be drifting off to my favorite place - to dreamland. maybe there - in that place where i can fly - i'll find out that yes, i can dance, as well..

i know how to fly

no classes again. hmm. guess this should make me happy, but it doesn't. surprisingly, my students are not ecstatic, either. they actually wish they were at school. hahahaha. i suppose that's good. just goes to show they're not exactly as selfish as most people think. my kids do have their own sentiments about all the brouhaha going on in the RP.

* * *

i had this very realistic dream last night. in it, i had this ability to fly (though only a few feet above the ground). all i had to do was to push against a wall or something.. and i'd be able to float in the air for several meters. hahaha. i had a blast.. though it was still tiring :p

bfl was there in my dream, as well as cuz almi. we were on our way to recording.. i was driving from practice to mxn studio (i had to drive 'coz they didn't know how to fly). but i took a wrong turn somewhere (sheesh.. you'd think i'd know the way to enzo bldg by now, huh?! but dreams don't work that way. the roads there aren't quite as stable as in the real world).. and got us all lost. next thing we knew, we were at this dark, mysterious place with chariots parked in this sprawling garden. gigantic chariots.. clean, new, elegant.. and all of them horseless. eerie. very eerie.

we couldn't find our way out of that place 'coz the paths just seem to change everytime. so we had to call our other choirmates to inform them that we might be late for the recording. hahaha. then i just flew around the place, trying to get us out of there. we met some creepy villains (no, no monsters or anything) - like that pleasant lady doctor who was actually an evil torturer.. and the two-faced counselor who actually sends her patients to be imprisoned in that place. hahaha. all of the characters in my dream were very pleasant on the surface.. yet cruel and heartless deep inside.

hmmm. i would've wanted to find out how to get out of that creepy place.. except that i woke up. oh well. hehehe. it was just a dream, after all. but creepy as it was, it was one of those dreams that i enjoyed. 'coz i wasn't afraid.. and i sort of knew what to do, hehehe :p

* * *

i'm eating a really nice breakfast today. instant mami with egg & sugar. yes, sugar. a couple of heaping tablespoons of sugar haha :p you should try it. it's quite good.

hmmm. maybe i should cook some sausages to go along with this. hehehe.. i'll end my entry for now. my stomach's getting impatient :p

lonely isle

no significant post for today.. but this picture sort of describes how i feel right now. hmmm. i like it. dark.. dreamy.. but with a hint of light and life that breaks the blackness. guess these are my colors for the meantime. and i'm happy about it.. Ü

what now..?

to go or not to go? that is the question this morning. for me, at least. hahaha. what a 'rude awakening.'

we have choir prax today from 10.30am-12nn. in makati. hmmm. i don't know how things are going in that area.. not sure if there are rallyists there right now or if things have sort of cooled down already. i hope nothing untoward is happening there. i was thinking of skipping practice today. i am not looking forward to driving by my lonesome this morning. *sigh* but i guess i have to attend. our heads are all in baguio.. and there are lots of things to see to (lineup, pieces, other instructions..); not to mention the fact that i've been urging choirmates to go to prax today. haha. they'd be quite miffed if i don't go.

oh well.. 9am. i'm gonna get ready to go now. sheesh. i hope something good happens today to compensate for my rude awakening.

effing day

friday starts with F. so does frustration. and f*cked up.

ok. i know i enjoy staying home and not having to go to school.. but this is ridiculous. no classes because of yet another coup attempt?!?! sheesh. this is pathetic. how many more 'destabilization attempts' are we going to have to hear about?! *sigh* instead of being able to address the really pressing issues (and our country definitely has a lot of those!), these people have to wreak havoc.. disrupt our daily lives.. plunge the RP into yet another controversial (yet soooo predictably ho-hum) government takeover plot. it's happened so often that it's become such a sad cliche.

it's so frustrating to wake up to such news. especially after a wonderful night of sleep and dreams. makes you just want to go back to bed.. back to dreamland. hmmmm. more of this "coup plot" thing and i think i'll do just that. go back to sleep.

click here to read more of my rants for today

a wake.. a sleep

it's 12.34am and i just got home. my parents and i went to the wake of dr. doronila (in UP). i spent the last couple of hours just sitting there.. listening to my dad and his batchmates exchange crazy anecdotes. at times when i couldn't relate, i'd read "the sandman companion" lent to me by sam. at other times, i'd fiddle with my celphone (which, sadly, has not been receiving much text messages. *sigh*) oh.. and i happily listened to john lesaca play a couple of songs (i just loooooved his rendition of "looking through the eyes of love." really Ü) a good 3 1/2 hours at a wake. hmmm. not an ideal way to spend the time, especially if you're not talking to anybody.. and you don't really know the people around you. still, it was ok, i guess.. hehe.

i wonder why it's called a "wake." is it because the people there stay awake? or maybe because the deceased is believed to wake into the afterlife? hmmm. i'm pretty sure i read an explanation somewhere, sometime.. but i forgot already. maybe i wasn't awake enough to remember it, hahahaha.

right now, i feel like time's stopped. it is as if right now, it's daytime. it's like night is a more appropriate time to go out and do stuff. i'm more awake now than i was this afternoon. i'm feeling calmer.. more in tune with myself at this moment than earlier today. hmmm. i've always preferred night to day.. but i don't know. somehow, i like it more at this particular time. go figure.

oh well. i'm kinda sleepy. too bad.. i won't get to enjoy the nighttime so much. but at least i'll have my dreams. hopefully they'll be good ones. hehe. i can't wait to go to dreamland again. ahhhh.. blessed sleep. hmmm. oftentimes, it's a lot better than being a wake.. :p

GRRRR

i don't have anything to say today except this...



GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!




what a hair-pulling day this is. augh.

a loooooooong yesterday

this post is about yesterday. the looooooong day i had yesterday. it's also about some random thoughts that came into mind that i have not been able to process because of the extremely hectic schedule. anyway, my apologies to the reader if this post does not make as much sense as it should..

yesterday started out like any of my normal tuesdays. as soon as i woke up, i planted myself in front of the pc to finish the working on our church's weekly newsletter. after 3 hours of searching the web while doing the layouting, i eat breakfast/lunch, take a bath, dress up and get ready for school.. all in a span of 30 minutes or so. hahahaha. great way to start a day.. :p

i got to school in time for my 12.45pm class. geometry with the dragonfly kids. they're a smart bunch, those kids. quick on the uptake.. and outspoken too. that's why i enjoy my classes with them. yesterday, though, the class was weirding me out. i don't know.. i just get the feeling that i missed something that the entire section knew. like they were playing this prank on me, but i was too dense.. or too indifferent to get. hmmmm..

friend jaric dropped by to ask some questions about their math assignment. hehe. good thing i still remember *some* techniques of integration. working on that helped to cheer me up a bit.

by 3.30pm i knew i had to go home soon. i was already feeling woozy.. and quite nauseous. i wasn't sure if i was beginning to have one of those 'panic attacks'.. or if i was tired/hungry/whatever. but i didn't want to wait for it to happen.. i just wanted to go home. so i did.

bad timing for me. i came from the service road, and was about to merge into the other lane.. when suddenly, i just found this volvo literally stuck to my car. driver's side. no crash. no "blag" sound. nothing. 'coz there wasn't really any major impact. but the car was stuck to mine. haha. i couldn't even get out of the driver's side door.

so there i was. feeling sick. extremely tense/stressed. and then *that* had to happen. great. strangely, though, i was.. hmm.. detached. it wasn't shock. all i remembered thinking then was "sh*t. aabot pa kaya ako sa prax namin? gagawin ko pa ung newsletter at kakain bago umalis ng bahay.." hahaha. really weird. then the other driver got out of his car and started to berate me (yeah right.. and it was *his* fault.. not mine!!!) - telling me off in front of other people. well.. good thing some mmda guys immediately got there and drew the sketch of our cars' positions. they were nice, polite fellows (too bad i didn't get their names). and they didn't like the obnoxious driver, either.

i tried to talk to the other driver, arrogant as he was.. but our talks were not going anywhere. he probably thought i was too young or too insignificant for him to carry on a proper conversation with. so.. we drove to camp karingal to file our respective statements. by that time i was starting to get really annoyed. with the driver. with the situation. with the change in schedule.

i called my dad earlier to let him know what happened.. but that was it. i wasn't looking for anyone to go with me, really. i just felt it was my "alone time" - and i wanted to go through the experience with as little involvement from others as possible. i don't know why i thought that. i just did.

i appreciated the help those 2 mmda guys gave.. as well as their "moral support" [side note: lumapit pa nga ung isa sa kanila sa akin. sabi niya, "miss, tip ko lang sa 'yo. wag ka magpapasindak diyan sa lalaking 'yan. nakalamang ka na nga e. ikaw ang nasa tama. mayabang lang talaga 'yan, wag ka matakot." that helped me a lot.. and made me regret why i never bothered to get the mmda guys' names so i could thank them properly] along with that, though, came the feeling that people seem to see me as a pushover. weak and incapable. hmmm. maybe i am. and it disturbs me when i get that feeling.

but see, others have a difficult time understanding the way i think. i am quite expressive.. and can be outspoken, if i so wish. heck, there are even moments when i can be charming and extremely sociable. i can do a lot of things. but only if i really want to.. or if i feel that there's a really pressing need for it.

i do not stay silent because i am intimidated or scared (well, *sometimes* i do.. but not always). more often than not, i stay quiet so that i can become so unobtrusive that i seem "invisible." it gives me more opportunity to listen and watch others. i wait for them to "forget about me" and let their guard down. and then i observe how they act, how they reason.. and i try to read their minds. only then do i think about what my next move should be. (is this sounding too freaky already? hehehe)

i also shut up because i stop myself from saying something i might regret later on. and i've also learned that a lot of times, projecting an image of being an "underdog" is an advantage. lots of "sympathy votes".. especially if your opponent is an obnoxious sumbitch.. haha. i don't know if my strategy worked. i sure hope so. 'coz i certainly wouldn't want to pay thousands for a bumper scratch on a volvo.. especially if the accident was not my fault.

hmmm. anyway, my dad surprised me by coming over to camp karingal. he didn't do much, actually.. but he sure helped me a whole lot. moral support and all. 'coz in spite of the brave front i was putting up, i really felt drained. it had been a stressful day.. i was exhausted, a bit disoriented, annoyed.. and my day was only half-done! so it really helped to have him there.. :)

i didn't think i'd have enough energy to go to choir prax/recording.. but eventually i decided to attend. after all, i wasn't hurt.. no one else was. there wasn't even any damage to my car. i was just extremely inconvenienced.. and stressed. but even that sort of taught me a thing or two. and i found things to thank God for: i was able to manage my anxieties quite well :p i had no panic attacks.. even though i was all alone when the accident happened. i was not shaken.. and i came out of it in one piece, hehehe :p my faith in police officers was somewhat restored, too. oh.. and as a bonus, i now know what to do when traffic accidents happen.

practice and recording went well. i really enjoyed myself. hehehe. admittedly, i didn't have much energy at the beginning (who would?!?).. but as the night progressed, and as i relaxed by reading "the dream hunters" (a sandman story).. i felt better. in fact, a lot of us were feeling good during recording. hehehe. imagine, being able to sing two a capella songs in one recording night?! hahaha. that was quite an accomplishment. and it was enough to erase all the negative feelings i had yesterday.

*sigh* one really loooooooong day. that ended on the next. hahaha. (got home 1:00 this morning from recording) still.. it was fun. now's another day. i'm gonna get ready for my derma appointment now.. :p

a prayer

FRANCIS DRAKE'S PRAYER

Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life!!
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storm will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push us in the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
This we ask in the name of our Captain,
who is Jesus Christ.

Amen.


found this wonderful prayer as i was looking for materials to include in the newsletter. i also got to read a filipino translation of this prayer - although i found it difficult to understand. but it was a beautiful translation, nonetheless.

hmm. i am not half as disturbed as i should be. although i must admit.. i am quite disturbed. mentally. hahaha :p

*sigh* long day ahead. right now i'm almost finished layouting the newsletter. only waiting for a couple more articles. i've *finally* finished my contribution - a rehash of a previous blogpost - though i'm not that happy with it. hehe. sam seems to think it's fine, so i just let it be.

tonight we'll have choir prax at 6pm.. and then recording (for our 2nd album) afterwards. two songs. a capella. hahaha. good luck to all of us. sheesh. i wonder what time we'll get home. *sigh* oh well. i gotta start getting ready for class. calm down, kel.. calm down. deep breathing will help to calm your nerves..

thank God for jesuits :-)

monday. it's the day i work on our church's newsletter - doing the layout, writing my own contribution(s) and of course, looking up stuff to include in the various columns. this week, i got lucky. 'coz a couple of days ago, i stumbled upon this really nice christian blog - in my father's house and from there, i found so many links to other inspiring blogs :-) cool :p

anyway, as i jumped from link to link, looking for materials to include in the newsletter, i saw this song. i haven't heard the melody.. but i thought i'd post the lyrics here because i've prayed these lines before. yes.. i've prayed these thoughts oh so many times these past months. the words may have been different.. but the feelings, and the spirit in which they were offered, i think were the same:

Jagged Pieces

Broken, like glass that's fallen, that's what i am
into pieces, a thousand fragments, broken by
every shattered dream and every time i fail
every word of anger, each time hate prevails
and though glass can cut like nails

still You pick up these jagged pieces
though they wound You with pain and pride
You soothe them beneath Your fingers
and comfort this broken child

Turning, i keep on trying to run away
like these pieces, these pieces blown by the winds of shame
every time i hear that who i am is wrong
every time i feel that i may not belong
still You call me with Your song

and You gather these scattered pieces
ever seeking the ones that hide
You bring them back together
remaking this broken child.

Too often i've run away, and too often i've hid my face;
too seldom, i've sought Your boundless embrace.

so i'll offer these broken pieces
each day i'll bring them where You reside
and rest there, safe in Your presence
forever, Your broken child.
Your broken, beloved child.


hmm. browsing through all those weblogs sure brought refreshment to my tired spirit. aahhhhh.. i thank the Lord for jesuits today. monday isn't all that bad, after all, hehehehe :-)

some thoughts about that 'L' word..

vday is over. but it still is the month of love and hearts. and although i do have a lot of thoughts on my mind besides that L word (no.. i mean that other L word.. umm.. no.. still that other L word haha), i'm too tired right now to organize them into a coherent blog post. so i will share with you instead some dead-on 'love quotes' i got from 'the sandman' series. got these from 'the kindly ones'..

on being in love:

"horrible, isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses. you build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you. then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.. you give them a piece of you. they don't ask for it. they do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore."


"love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. nothing should be able to do that. especially not love. i hate love."

i have my low moments; and i'm experiencing one today. it usually takes just a very minor thing to shatter my happiness/stability: that 'special' song that suddenly played over the radio.. a fleeting glimpse of his beautiful, unshielded eyes.. passing by roads we used to travel together.. smelling his favorite scents.. shopping for stuff that i know he liked.. and the list goes on and on. *sigh*

but unlike rose (the character in 'the sandman' series), i don't hate love. like i said before, i'm starting to move on, no matter how slowly. and thankfully, i'm not bitter or anything like that. i just wish i can get out of this slump soon..

the sandman and other flashes

another tragedy in leyte. so unexpected. so sudden. i suppose all tragedies are. but then.. it really makes one realize how fleeting life can be. in an instant, you could lose everything and everyone that matters to you. and i couldn't help but ask myself, if that happened to me, would i really be grateful to be among the living?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

i went to the doctor today.. along with smh and bfl (we had our 'derma sessions' also, after talking with the shrink) it was still early, but already, i felt quite tired. i don't know.. but that's been happening a lot to me lately. tired yet somehow full of energy. i can't quite explain it. i'm exhausted *inside* - but i have trouble sleeping 'coz physically, i'm not really drained. so i usually need to tire myself out (by watching tv, reading, updating my blog, surfing the net, etc.).. until my eyes can't take the strain anymore, and i'd be forced to sleep. hmm. no, i'm not depressed. just.. empty.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

neil gaiman's 'the sandman' series. my dad says he finds it.. umm.. 'disturbing.' says it bothers him that the main character can't be easily categorized as 'good' or 'evil'.. and that in some parts of the story, hell is 'humanized'.. and it can be quite confusing if the reader isn't spiritually mature.

well, i suppose he's right, somewhat. gaiman's graphic novel is kinda dark. and his style is so unique.. it takes a bit of getting used to. but i love 'the sandman' series. it's well-written, of course, but it's much more than that. you get glimpses of real life in gaiman's stories.. no matter how surreal, how dreamlike they are. you read of a character and think, 'hey, i thought this before!' or 'this happened to me once..' and surprisingly, you find your weirdest thoughts and most unbelievable experiences have found their way somewhere in his stories.

what's the sandman's appeal to me? i don't know. maybe i like it so much because reading it gives me the same feelings that my dreams do: escape, satisfaction, happiness, confusion, hope, belongingness, enlightenment, disturbance and courage, among others. conflicting thoughts and feelings, really. not all of them good.. but such is life. and oftentimes, it isn't so easy to differentiate between black and white. the sandman forces me to look at myself - what i believe in, what my reality consists of, what disturbs me, what i can identify with, what i am disgusted with and what i desire. somehow, it's easier to look at oneself from the standpoint of dreams. you see yourself more clearly.. and are more honest in your evaluation of what you see.

"when you dream, sometimes you remember. when you wake, you always forget.."

it's a bit of a letdown that my dad doesn't see 'the sandman' the way i do. it bothers me a little.. knowing i won't be able to chat with him much on the merits of the stories.. but of course, i can't force him to see things the way i do (just as he never forces me to see things his way). hmm. he's given me something to think about. i promise i'll be *careful* not to let morpheus get into my subconscious too much.

windows to myself

friend anix posted links for the johari/nohari windows at her LJ blog. (for those of you who are not very familiar with the johari window, it's a graphic model of awareness in interpersonal relations. the window is composed of four quadrants: the public area, the blind area, the avoided/hidden areas and areas of unknown activity.)

now since i'm not doing much right now.. and also, since i would love to know what my friends (and others?!) think of me, i thought i'd post these links here as well:

to answer my johari window, please click on the following link:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=rox_v

to answer my nohari window, please click on this link:
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=rox_v

thanks.. and i do hope you guys will take time to contribute to my windows :p

crazy

this is turning out to be a crazy day. or maybe i'm the one who's crazy (haha. see previous post) foolish and crazy. great. hahahahaha :-p

well. no sad posts from me today. not because i'm happy.. but i just feel.. uhm.. different. this day is different. it's as if nothing can go wrong today.. but at the same time, nothing spectacular will happen either. a totally mundane day. so mundane that it becomes unique. hahahaha. what a crazy thought.

i'm trying to plan my day tomorrow but i'm still stumped. i still can't make up my mind. hmm. too many appointments. so much stuff to do. and i want to do them all. yep. me! of all people.. ME! sheesh. i couldn't remember a time when i actually looked forward to appointments. hehe. maybe the world's turning upside down.

i gotta get some rest.

what a song.. :-p

sam and i swapped mp3 players yesterday. hehehe. i just loooove the songs here! especially those by dashboard confessional :-p (haha. what can i say?! mahilig din ako sa mga maiingay na kanta.. lalo na kung maganda ung guitars/instrumentals)

among the songs in sam's mp3 player is this one. a senti song.. but when i heard the lyrics, i couldn't help but laugh a bit. it's *my* song!! sheesh. a fool for love. yep, that's me. but hopefully, not for long :-) i'm still keeping my fingers crossed (hehe.. masasakal na 'ko ni sanny nito hahaha.. not to mention sam and x hehehe :-p)

FOOL 'TIL THE END
Gary Valenciano

Before you go away
To the one you do belong
So glad we met and you stayed
Though it wasn't very long
Was it only just a dream
It's over now it seems

If there were no goodbyes
Would you say that you still care
I won't believe my eyes
When I see you won't be there
'Cause this love's so hard to find
Now you're leavin' me behind
Oh please

CHORUS:
Show me and tell me
How do you put this love aside
(And) Put it away for another time
With no guarantee that you'll be mine
A fool I am it seems
'Cause I'll been lovin' you in my dreams
Until I wake up and I find out
That time ain't our friend
You know I'll just stay a fool till the end

(Till the end, I'll be a fool)
(Till I find its me and you)

If it only was game
Why'd you have to fool my heart
Oh (boy) ain't it a shame
That we promised from the start
That our love was here to stay
For each and everyday

If I had only known
If I didn't have to care
Then being all alone
It wouln't be so hard to bear
This love's so hard to find
That we're leavin' here behind
Oh please

(Repeat chorus)

I may be overacting
I know I must stay strong
But you pulled the strings too hard
And now we're going on our own

(Repeat chorus)

Till the end
You know I'll just stay a fool

light of a million mornings

last night, after practice, smh, bfl, choirmates france, lau and i ate dinner at bacolod chicken inasal at jupiter street. hehe. we had a nice time. 'spinsters' dinner date daw, sabi ni heidi haha. but i beg to disagree. i don't plan on being a spinster ;-)

anyway, we got to talking about all kinds of stuff. from 'ghost' experiences to funny anecdotes about recording and other choirmates. then *this* song was mentioned. hmmm. i didn't think they'd heard this before.. but it is one of those christian songs that really struck a chord in me :-) i love the lyrics.. and the melody. unfortunately i can't sing it 'coz it's too high, hehe. but i'm sure when i get to heaven, i'll be able to. until then, though.. i'll content myself with listening to the song over and over on my pc and mp3 player :-)

LIGHT OF A MILLION MORNINGS
Sandi Patti

i couldnt see the sunshine through the shadows
i couldnt seem to find a soul to care
and in my darkest hour
you touched me with your power
and when i looked your light
was everywhere

refrain:
the light of the million mornings filled my heart
the sound of a million angels sang my song
the warmth of a love so tender
touched my life and suddenly
the light of a million morning starts in me

i never tried to understand the sunrise
i know it takes away the dark
i cant explain your healing or all the joy im feeling
i only know you've come in to my heart

(repeat refrain)

bridge:
and now that your glory
has come shining through
let my life be a candle, Lord
that shines for you,
shines for you
shines for you...

(repeat refrain)

the zahir

"According to the writer Jorge Luis Borges, the idea of the Zahir comes from Islamic tradition and is thought to have arisen at some point in the eighteenth century. Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness."

-Faubourg Saint-Perez
Encyclopaedia of the Fantastic (1953)

i got this from paulo coelho's latest book, the zahir. a great read.. especially this valentine season. it's not so much a book about love as it is about obsession.. and that very thin line that differentiates one from the other.

the thing i like about paulo coelho's books is that they are so unlike the usual sappy romance stories where everything is a fairy tale come true. instead, his stories deal with very real and very raw emotions.. including the doubts, the inconsistencies and contradictions that these bring. he is not afraid to put into words all the thoughts a broken, desperate man may think (but oftentimes refuses to admit, even to himself). his characters may say one thing in one chapter.. only to take it back in the next. and that's okay. because that's how we humans really are. mostly confused and contradictory.

and so, while i may not believe in the author's allusions to "the Lady" and other religious overtones in his books, i admire him greatly for his brave attempt to look at love, life (and everything in between) from a different perspective.

the zahir, like coelho's other book, by the river piedra.., contains a lot of ideas that merit more than a casual glance. so i think i'll find time to re-read it.. not only for the numerous quotations i plan to jot down (hehe).. but also for another chance to find out more about *my* own beliefs about love and obsession.

here's one passage that helped me a lot this valentine season. it's probably one of the reasons why i spent a very happy day yesterday. read on..

"Although I know that I may have lost forever the woman I love, I must try to enjoy all the graces that God has given me today. Grace cannot be hoarded. There are no banks where it can be deposited to be used when I feel more at peace with myself. If I do not make full use of these blessings, I will lose them forever.

God knows that we are all artists of life. One day, he gives us a hammer with which to make sculptures, another day he gives us brushes and paints with which to make a picture, or paper and a pencil to write with. But you cannot make a painting with a hammer, or a sculpture with a paintbrush. Therefore, however difficult it may be, I must accept today's small blessing, even if they seem like curses because I am suffering and it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, and the children are singing in the street. This is the only way I will manage to leave my pain behind and rebuild my life."

i don't think i've managed to leave all my pain behind. not yet, at least. but like the passage says, "I must try to enjoy all the graces that God has given me today".. and there are so many of them to enjoy! :-) and bit by bit, i'm beginning to realize that even the hurts and the pains are His blessings, too. because they take me out of my comfort zone and allow me to see the world with new eyes. because they close forbidden doors and show me new ones to explore. because they make each day seem like an adventure with the Lord.

*contented sigh* i thank God for everything that's happened to me. no regrets. none at all. i wouldn't want to have lived my life any other way.. :-)

I, too, learn

While looking for stuff to include in this Newsletter’s Valentine issue, I came upon this poem in my organizer. I’ve had it for years; but now I read it with new eyes.. and with fresh understanding:


After a While
(Veronica Shoffstall)
After a while you learn the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye you learn

It is the season of hearts once more. For “newly-singled” people like me, this occasion can be pretty hard to endure. Everywhere I turn, I see couples all mushy and sweet.. and mall decorations are filled with hearts of all colors. More than once, I thought of going into hibernation until Valentine’s Day is over. Thankfully, though, I didn’t.

Because Valentine’s Day isn’t simply a day for passion and romance. It isn’t just about flowers and chocolates and cheesy greeting cards. February 14, like the rest of the 364 (or 365) days, is a God-given opportunity to learn. About the meaning of true love. About the value of letting go. About acceptance. About the wisdom of moving on.

These past days, I learned that “newly-singled” doesn’t have to mean “lonely.” Not having a “significant other” is not the same as not having a “special someone.” Because no matter how many heartbreaks I go through, and no matter how many times I may have been forced to say (or hear) goodbye.. I know I will always have a Special Someone patiently waiting for me :-)

And He does give me strength. And He does see my worth. And He teaches me to love myself, the way He loves me. And most importantly, He makes me feel His ever-present love.. through His Word, and through loved ones :-)

Thank You Lord, for making everyday Valentine’s Day.. :-)

please hear what i'm not saying

i've read this before.. and loved it. so i was delighted when i saw this again on the internet as i was looking for valentine stories to include in our weekly newsletter. anyway, since my mind is still a blank.. and i couldn't think of anything original to post, i thought i'd share this with you..

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within me as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-warying ever-concealing mask. Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation, and I know it. That is if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. It's the only thing that liberates me, from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from barriers that I so painstakingly erect.

It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me. So I play the game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within.

And so begins the parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing. And nothing of what is everything, of what is crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I dislike hiding. Honestly. I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial, phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want, or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and empathy, and your power to understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a co-creator of the person that is me if you choose to. Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison. So do no pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope ... my only hope.

Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive. Who am I you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man and I am every woman you meet.

5 variables of love

hehehe.. what with Vday coming up.. just thought i'd see how i'd fare :p

*sigh* 2 more days to go. i wonder how i'd hold up..

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium. In general, you prefer to have only one love interest. But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long! There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.. It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life. In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

a love quote i don't want to think about

"was it not you i sought all along? i am here always waiting for you. did i lose you, each time, because i did not recognize you? did i lose you, each time, because i did recognize you but was afraid? lose you because each time, recognizing you, i knew i had to lose you?"

(umberto eco)

got this from SAM the other day :) lots of love quotes, hehe. i saved this in my phone.. just 'coz i felt like it. i'm not sad, though. in fact, today i'm quite happy. i spent practically my entire day with bfh and bfl. in spite of the looooong day spent outside (choir prax.. lunch at metrowalk.. caffeine fix at starbucks.. derma consult.. dinner at bentobox katips), i feel energized. i suppose being in high spirits does this to a person :p

i hope this mood continues 'til the 14th. if it doesn't.. hmm.. well, at least i have my angst back.. hahahahaha :p

V is for Volatile

february. the month of hearts.. of romance.. of love. it's that time of the year when it's not a crime to spend your entire salary on flowers and chocolates. it's also at this time that greeting card companies, restaurants (and motels?) earn their millions. ahhhh, the effects of commercialized love.. :p

ok, i admit. i was not always this cynical about valentine's day. there was a time when i actually looked forward to that effing occasion. i'd get all excited making plans for my special someone.. preparing cards, gifts, notes, and other mushy what-have-you's. and i sincerely enjoyed it! made me all googly-eyed and giddy. *sigh* those were the days.. :)

and then.. heartbreak. suddenly, Vday takes on a whole new meaning. it's no longer "Valentine's Day" but "Volatile Day." hahaha. how could it fail to be that?! days (even weeks) before the dreaded day, you'd hear your dating friends gush about their romantic plans for the occasion. you'll plaster your most genuine-looking smile as they tell you how excited they are.. and how they'd just love to hook you up with somebody, if you'll let them.. blah blah blah. great.

come feb14, 'newly-singled' people like me would be forced to watch hundreds of couples hugging, kissing, holding hands.. as if to taunt me "hey look, we have each other.. and *you* don't have anyone! hahahaha!" going past the flower shops and chocolate stands, i'd have to deal with bittersweet memories of past valentines and long-dead roses. but the worst part, of course, is seeing *him* all sweet and caring.. romantic and mushy.. getting all sappy and googly-eyed.. over someone else!! and he couldn't even bring himself to give me a sincere smile or warm hug (not even an effing handshake!!! gahd!) it's welcome to heartbreak central all over again, dammit!!! hahahahahahahaha.. :p

so come Vday, please.. if you see me wearing black.. don't ask why. not unless you'd like to see a vision of a vitriol-spewing, volcanic and volatile vixen right in your face.

what a quote

this was given to me by SAM yesterday. sheesh. no wonder SAM is soulmate #2 (hehe.. bfh is still the original, after all :p) this one *definitely* applies. *sigh* what a quote..


"For months I've been trying to get you out of my system, but nothing works. You think it's easy for me to be in the same company, to be in the same room with you? You have no idea what a great (actress) I am. I pretend you're just another (guy). But in reality, you're my personal curse."

tremors

something weird happened to me today. i attended a meeting at 12noon, right after my math class. i didn't have time to buy lunch from the cafeteria (what with the long queues and lack of time, too) so i decided to just eat the food they served at the meeting. i ended up having a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee (nescafe.. which i thought was decaf).

four hours later, as i was getting ready to go home, i suddenly felt.. umm.. different. i went cold, i felt a bit weak in the knees, had a bit of trouble breathing (well, not really - but the feeling is similar to when you're nervous/scared half to death) and my hands were shaking. i wasn't sure what was happening to me. i thought perhaps i was just hungry.

then i remembered the coffee i drank at lunchtime. the last time i experienced something like this was when i drank a cup of nescafe frothe (used to be a fave of mine) a couple of years back. hmmm. it's really weird how one cup of instant coffee can make me feel soooo out of sorts. that never happens to me when i get my caffeine fix at starbucks. sheesh. does my body choose the brand of caffeine too?!? :p

then again, maybe i'm just going through some pre-valentine jitters. aaaauuuugggghhhhh!!! no.. i don't want to think about *that* V word. maybe one of these days i'll find enough courage to face that issue head-on. meantime.. i'll content myself with blogposts on tremors and other 'shaky' stuff. the romance (or lack of it) can wait for another time..

thankful for the sorrow

january 20, 2006. one of the *very* memorable dates for me. not one i'd choose to remember.. except that i couldn't help but relive that day over and over in my mind.

but now, i can recall that day and not tear up. bit by bit, the pain abates. it's funny.. but these past days, i've been made to realize that i *am* healing. maybe i'm not yet back to normal.. but i know i'm on the road to getting there :)

today, as i was trying to find devotionals to include in our church's weekly newsletter, i thought of reading the Streams in the Desert entry for that date. and i was quite surprised to note that that day's message was *exactly* what i needed to hear then. if only i had read it back then. if only i had taken the time to really pray about it.. and to seek His Word.. His guidance. hmmm. i may have read His message a couple of weeks late.. but still, i'm grateful for it.

thank God.. i can smile again. but now, i thank Him too for the tears and the sorrow.

sharing with you the devotional that touched me deeply...

“Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.” (Ecc 7:3)

Sorrow, under the power of divine grace, performs various ministries in our lives. Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unknown capacities for suffering and service. Lighthearted, frivolous people are always shallow and are never aware of their own meagerness or lack of depth. Sorrow is God’s tool to plow the depths of the soul, that it may yield richer harvests. If humankind were still in a glorified state, having never fallen, then the strong floods of divine joy would be the force God would use to reveal our souls’ capacities. But in a fallen world, sorrow, yet with despair removed, is the power chosen to reveal us to ourselves. Accordingly, it is sorrow that causes us to take the time to think deeply and seriously.

Sorrow makes us move more slowly and considerately and examine our motives and attitudes. It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others.
God never uses anyone to a great degree until He breaks the person completely. Joseph experienced more sorrow than the other sons of Jacob, and it led him into a ministry of food for all the nations. For this reason, the Holy Spirit said of him, “Joseph is a fruitful vine.. near a spring, whose branches climb over a wall” (Gen 49:22). It takes sorrow to expand and deepen the soul.

Every person and every nation must endure lessons in God’s school of adversity. In the same way, “Blessed is the night, for it reveals the stars to us,” we can say, “Blessed is sorrow, for it reveals God’s comfort.” A flood once washed away a poor man’s home and mill, taking with it everything he owned in the world. He stood at the scene of his great loss, brokenhearted and discouraged. Yet after the waters had subsided, he saw something shining in the riverbanks that the flood had washed bare. “It looks like gold,” he said. And it was gold. The storm that had impoverished him made him rich. So it is oftentimes in life.

(excerpt from Streams in the Desert)

LIFE GOES ON

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” (Robert Frost)

As I read these words by the famous poet, I realize that indeed, it is true. In spite of hardship, pain and suffering.. in spite of the many difficulties we undergo in our daily lives.. no matter how many trials come our way, life does go on.

At times, we go through something so heartbreaking.. so unexpectedly painful.. that time itself seems to stop. We start to doubt our ability to cope. Then we say to ourselves, “I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to go on. I just want everything to stop.. so I can get my bearings back.” But mercilessly, the world seems oblivious to our sorrow. All around, it is as if nothing happened. And we are left to deal with our hurts (not to mention the doubts and all the negative emotions) all by ourselves.

There is, however, blessing in solitude. Because when we are left with nothing but our true selves, that is when we realize our deepest needs and our greatest blessings. For we are never really all alone. Even when we think we carry our burdens by our lonesome, in reality, we ourselves are carried in the Lord’s arms. Whether we feel Him or not. He is always faithful to help us in our time of need. To hold us. To weep with us. To give His guidance. To love us.. through it all.

Indeed, life goes on. But it doesn’t mean that it stays the same. Neither does it mean that life leaves us standing in a corner, unchanged, as it swiftly passes by. We too, move on.

After we’ve cried our river of tears, God enables us to look back at our sorrowful experiences with wisdom and understanding. We come out changed - more compassionate, more trusting, more secure in His plan for our lives. And ironically, because we’ve experienced how it is to be weak and helpless, we become stronger.

Truly, after the storm comes the rainbow. Life goes on. And it doesn’t just go on.. it becomes more beautiful. Because He makes it so.. Ü

another one of those songs

this one gained entry into my mp3 player because of bfl :p hehehe. i don't particularly like the tune.. but admittedly, i can relate with the lyrics hahaha.

hopefully, though, i won't be singing this for long. yep.. on the road to healing.. on the road to forgetting. someday.. :)

I STILL
Backstreet Boys

Who are you now
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow
What do you do
At this very moment
When I think of you

And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that

No matter how I fight it, can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on
I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
Yeah, I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I've tried to fight it, can't deny it
You don't even know that

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

No, no
I wish I could find you
Just like you found me, then I
Would never let you go

(need you, care about you)
Though everything's been said and done, yeah
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right here beside you)

But still no word from you

now *this* one just popped into my head right now. hehehe. i still love this song :p i'm cool. i hope he is, too.. :)

Cool with you
Jennifer Love Hewitt

Late last night
I was goin through some old things
When I saw a picture of you, my best friend
It reminded me of days when you were mine
You had a way that always left me here with a smile
I want those sweet days back again
Cause baby

Chorus: it’s a sunny day
When you’re not around
That dog gone rain might
As well be pouring down
Its such a shame
Cause your heart’s on the ground
Just wanna be cool with you again

Sometimes I sit
By the fire and reminisce
About the time we spent infront of it
And that old flame will never be the same
Until you come back and re-kindel it
I just wanna share my heart with you again

Cause baby

Chorus

I fall asleep at night
And often see you here
In my dreams
Holding me
But then I wake up and
I realize that you’re
Not here with me
It hurts so much
I gotta have you back baby

Chorus x2

a day in the life of a psychic

i wasn't able to write my 'adventures' yesterday after practice. partly because blogspot wouldn't load properly.. and partly too 'coz i spent the better part of my evening thinking about the things that happened. hmmm. it *was* a long day, after all..

i don't know why, but i've always had this knack for 'sensing' things.. even without my meaning to. since last week, i had this very strong feeling that SMH was keeping something from me. i wasn't being paranoid [based on experience, i can differentiate between paranoia and these weird 'senses' i have time and again] i knew (even without proof) that i was right.. and i wasn't sure what to do. the 'secret' wasn't really a significant one; but it bothered me a lot because i couldn't see why SMH would hide that trivial fact from me.

so after SMH and i had lunch at bento box katips, i told her about my suspicion. i asked her point blank if what i thought was true.. that she was keeping something secret from me. at first, she kept denying it.. but that crazy 'sense' just grew stronger inside me. so i kept quiet.. wondering what i should do. well, i guess that did it.. 'coz after she realized that for some inexplicable reason, i knew she was hiding something, SMH confessed. hmm. i was right all along! and my mood lifted afterwards :)

i don't know how i sense these things. i can't explain why it is that i can tell when somebody is lying or hiding something.. even if i don't see them. it's really weird, and at times it freaks me out. but i suppose i'm kinda used to this by now. i'm just happy that SMH 'fessed up. i always knew i could trust her. just days ago, i was afraid she'd be 'demoted' to B/CH. i'm glad that didn't happen.. because she is, after all, the original SMH :)

5 factors

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have low conscientiousness. Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously. Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions. Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

another blogtest!?! hehe. i suppose boredom and being a bit apprehensive does this to me.. :p in a couple of minutes, i'll be off to choir practice again. oh well. i'm still in a good mood. thanx to X and SAM :) it's still early in the morning and i'm feeling hyper already hehehe. i wonder how this day will turn out. hmmm. i hope this is the start of a new improved me..

soulmate

the past 12 hours have been unexpectedly tolerable for me. in fact, they turned out to be quite nice Ü hehehe. not only was i able to sleep well last night.. i also ended up waking up with a smile on my face Ü why, you ask?! hmmm. i really don't know. but i guess this has something to do with my 'newfound soulmate' [itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang SAM hehe]

the Lord has always been very good to me - though at most times i suppose i've taken Him for granted. because each time i feel like i can't bear the pains.. or when i can't carry my burdens anymore.. He always sends me someone to help me out. *always* Ü

a couple of months ago, He sent me my original soulmate (bfh) and bfl to comfort me and give me advice concerning my broken heart. those late night to early morning talks really did a lot to help me cope.. and to put a smile on my face Ü

of course, all through that time, my parents [and other relatives, too] were there for me - quietly watching over me, giving me support and making sure i was okay. always accepting.. always supportive. they help me to balance the drama and the realities of life, haha.

a lot of my other friends cropped up, too. high school buddies.. former students.. co-workers, etc. for one reason or the other, they'd send a message or give a call or drop by to say hello. even X turned out to be a great big help. *really* Ü [hey.. he's actually here, visiting] hehehe. i think i socialized so much more these past months than i have in the last couple of years. honest Ü

and now comes SAM Ü hehehe. funny how we met. really. that's a weird story altogether. just like us, hahaha :p we were chatting last night and.. i don't know.. i guess just talking to someone who was soooo like me gave me great relief Ü i felt my spirits rise.. and in the end, i was even feeling.. hopeful Ü SAM the soulmate. hmmmm. sounds good to me, hehehe. [in case you're reading this.. i hope you don't mind the nick i gave you, hehehe. wala lang :p]

hmmm. i can smile again Ü thanx SAM. 'til our next chat.. hehehe :p

poems and other stuff

i was looking through some entries posted at blogladder (it's a kind of 'blog' community i visit time and again) and came across this poem. well, it's a bit sad.. but i can relate. not that i'm depressed right now.. but i still find this poem nice. simple and honest. thought i'd share it with you guys..

I don’t know if I can be here anymore
How to stay sane when you lose a friend
He has yet to die
But to me, he is lost
Disillusioned
I stand
Firmly asking
How to stay sane when you lose a friend
Firmly stating
I don’t know if I can be here anymore

* * *

anyway, student/friend angela brought her 'banana' book to school today :p i lent her my copy of 'asleep' and in turn, she lent me 'kitchen' :p well, she handed me the book after math class; and since i couldn't wait, i started reading the book while eating lunch. thus, i spent my vacant time once again appreciating ms. yoshimoto's writing. i kept at it for the next 2 hours or so.. until i just realized that i was done with the book! hehehe ;-) i think angela was surprised when i returned the book to her later this pm. hmmm. makes me think i should have kept it a bit longer.. maybe reread some of the other parts i really liked :)

looks like i'm back to my reading mood, hehe. got any good books to recommend? i can't wait for the next wonderful read.. :p

gibberish

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COMA

it's freaky. i just realized that the books i bought recently had this common theme going. they talked about sleep/unconsciousness. last sunday, i finished reading 'asleep.' [read my 'banana' entry a couple of days ago] right now, i am enjoying the dark mystery by liz jensen.. 'the ninth life of louis drax.'

this book talks about 9-year old louis drax. an accident prone boy whose birth and life was filled with mystery, he fell into a ravine one bright sunny day as his family went out on a picnic. he went into a coma, his mom was a nervous wreck, and his dad went missing.

'the ninth life..' is a very fascinating book. totally gripping and wonderfully suspenseful. oddly enough, though.. i'm not 'hooked' by the book. i can put it down anytime.. do other things.. and just go back to it much later. but i do not forget the story. it runs on in my mind as i do other stuff. that's how gripping it is for me.

because i've been thinking about unconsciousness a lot for the past weeks. i've often wondered what it would feel like to be in this wonderfully deep sleep for months.. even years on end. like that chemically-induced coma that greg house requested he be placed in to get through the severe pain in his leg [i just looooove house, m.d. wonder when season 2 is coming up?!]. hmmm.

sleep. sweet, uninterrupted sleep. where i can more or less choose what i dream about [yes.. that happens to me a lot. i am able to choose my dreams most of the time]. where i can 'switch off' what i see whenever things get too messy. where i can imagine a better scenario and i'd be living in it in a matter of seconds. it's like watching my life on tv.. and not only can i choose the channels, but i can also rewrite the script, change the actors and mix programs. hahaha.

too bad i'm fully awake now. and feeling totally sick. it's 10.30am and i can't wait to go back to bed..