losing myself

this cute non-person belongs to one of my students. wahahaha. i just *had* to take its picture. it's blue.. it's cute.. it's weird.. it's so alien.. and it just looks like something i can relate to bwahahaha :p

anyway, i keep "losing myself" today. on my way to tutor alexis, i got lost - at the shangri-la mrt station, of all places! sheesh. how embarrassing. i had to walk from edsa central.. along shaw blvd.. in front of lourdes church.. megamall.. to pearl drive. bwahahaha. and then, when i went home and went down the farmers mrt, i got lost again. i walked around the area for almost an hour, trying to locate that darned walkway going to the gateway mall. and i didn't even think of asking one of the guards for directions. ahahahaha. apparently, i'm not my usual weird self right now. oh, i'm still *definitely* weird. just not in my usual way :p

sam lent me the book "she's come undone" today, too. haha. that's good. 'coz i'm unraveling now. how appropriate. ahahaha. thanx, sam. sorry 'bout this. i do miss you. but i'm missing myself - in more ways than one. and i just feel i have to go find me before anything else. so i'm off chasing butterflies & fishies in the meantime.

i'm still lost. as is evidenced by the unsettling fact that i feel affinity for an alien doll that's not even mine. sheesh.

lost keys and lilbluegurls

this is friend rizi's artwork. i stole it from her friendster blog, nyahahaha. i really, really love it. it's so dark and gloomy. and it's sooooooo me at the moment (including the red clothes, wahahaha)

doms lost his car keys today at practice. so we had to hitch a ride home with bro jun & sis chris. when we arrived home, someone told doms that his keys were at the rivers center 2nd floor. hmmm. wonder how that got there.

don't you just wish that everything you lost could just as easily be given back to you? that all the things you hold dear to your heart could, in one instant, be returned?

i do not lose heart. i keep on holding to that sliver of hope that all is not lost. soon, it shall be given back to me again. and while right now, i'm like that lonely girl in red staring out at the dark sea.. i continue to believe.

because sometimes, believing is the only way by which we can survive..

that awful T word

no original post for me today. i just wanna repost this devotional i got off the net while browsing for newsletter materials...

* * *

I Made a Mistake. Now What?

If you hang out in any Christian circles, then you are probably familiar with the idea that sinning is bad, as it displeases God and separates you from Him. You hear a lot about what not to do. Its great to know where God stands on certain issues, but how do you not sin? Heaven forbid that you fall into temptation. What happens then? Can you ever look at yourself the same? Will God?

That Awful 'T' Word: Temptation

Temptation is not a new concept. Just as every human being is expected to brush his teeth, comb his hair - so does every human have the expectation he will be tempted at some point. You may find yourself in a place you arent normally tempted, and wham! You failed the test you didn't know you were taking.

But remember this. The wrong desires that come into your life aren't anything new and different. Many others have faced exactly the same problems before you. And no temptation is irresistible. You can trust God to keep the temptation from becoming too strong that you can't stand against it, for he has promised this and will do what he says. He will show you how to escape temptation's power so that you can bear up patiently against it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (TLB)

God does give us a way out, but you have to obey Him and love Him more than the present moment, no matter how pleasurable or vindictive you feel. Better than knowing or justifying your actions, is knowing Gods mercy will allow you back in His good graces.

Temptation is only a temporal thing. Like studying for a mid-term, it is a lot of work in a short period of time, but in the end it pays off and you graduate.

---

God, Show me how to stand against the temptation, cause I am so weak. I turn my life over to You and repent of my actions and receive Your forgiveness right now, in the name of Jesus. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride, trying to gain Your and my approval again. I wish I could blame my selfish actions on someone else, or a demon, but it's all me, God. I haven't been able to stop in the past, but I have a deep desire to do so now, and I am asking You to make sure that happens, because I know I can't do it in my own strength. Thank You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

nice titles

hmm. it's been a while since i've had a sunday like this.

we had a meeting of the writers' bloc today after the mass. it was ok.. and it was a pleasure to introduce the new members to the rest of the group (welcome sis hazel, maricor and chezzka ü).

anyway, friend rizi and i talked awhile afterwards. and well.. i dunno. i guess her gloom rubbed off on me a bit. her grief and sadness just washed over me and just worsened my already sort-of-dampened mood further.

so i walked around the mall a bit - a tried and tested "therapy" for me. i went to my favorite haunt: powerbooks (yay!). i came across some nice books that intrigued me. the titles were certainly apt, wahahaha. and i swear, if only i had the budget for it, i would have bought *all* of the interesting books i found. unfortunately, my pockets just could not afford it. *sigh*

i paid P500 to reserve a copy of harry potter 7: harry potter and the deathly hollows. i can't wait to finish the series.. if only to put to rest all speculations about the lead character's death hahaha.

i was gonna grab a copy of neil gaiman's "smoke & mirrors" off the shelf.. but decided against it. i thought i'd just save up for something more interesting.. such as..

mitch albom's latest book - for one more day - for P900+. i *almost* bought it today. i was holding it in my hands.. and proceeding to the nearest counter.. but managed to stop myself at the last minute. wahahahaha. darnit.

i am seriously thinking of ways to earn more moolah. if only to enable myself to get more books for therapy.. :p

hide me

another saturday.. and i won't even get the chance to relax and recharge. *sigh* i won't even be able to go to choir prax - again! sheesh..

we're giving out report cards today at school. so i'll be there the entire morning - most probably humming that "circle of life" tune over and over again, bwahahaha! this is driving me crazy. hopefully i'll be home a little after lunch - but knowing how things are going at school, i doubt it. *sigh*

then there's that prom thing tonight. i'm ok with that - except that i don't have a mask (well, not the *literal* type, i mean).. and i'm not sure i like what i'm gonna wear.

i'm tired and cranky. i need a place to crawl in and just hide

someone give me a new song PLEASE!

can't. get. that. song. out. of. my. head!!!
i've been humming that tune..
hearing it in my mind..
singing it out loud..
A-L-L-D-A-Y-L-O-N-G!
it's annoying; but i can't do anything to stop it
04march had better be worth it..

change focus

this is me with my playmate carlo ü hahaha. school is fun 'coz i get to have marge's kids to hang out with hahaha. somehow it makes work more bearable, wahahaha. too bad their older sister haja doesn't drop by as often. she's a fun person to talk to. she even drew a picture of me yesterday. awww.. that's so sweet of her.. ü

i'm not good with drawing, really. it's one of my frustrations (along with playing a musical instrument, composing a song and understanding higher mathematics, hahahahaha!) i wish i could draw something that looks *somewhat* human.. but alas, the most i could come up with are those stick figures :p oh well.

today, i wasn't as busy anymore. but i've been productive. and i'm still smiling. sort of. in spite of.. uhm.. well, in spite of *nothing* literally. hahahaha.

i do miss the ends of the alphabet. but at the moment, i don't really have it in me to be desperate or depressed. i can't afford that right now. so i'll stick with the kids meantime. takes loads off my mind.. hahaha.

pink ash

(taken at misato - while mom, dad & i are having dinner ü)

today has been a good day.
ok, so it's not *perfect* but so what?
i had fun. and i'm smiling.
ashes aren't always grey ü

am i really..?

hahahahahaha. "dull and frightening" huh?! sheesh (rolls eyes)
today i'm all perky and "sunshiny".. with a smile pasted on my face
yet i know i'm as dark (and twisty?!) as i used to be
oh well. guess i do have a lot in common with her
'nuff said. i'd better end this blogpost here hahaha

caged heart

another busy day for me. i spent practically my entire day cooped up in the ordp.. checking grading sheets against the permanent record.. and eventually encoding scores too.

well, i love honor roll work. it's just my kind of thing. i enjoy the monotonous job - probably coz i'm semi-autistic wahaha.

but right now i'm enjoying it for a different reason. it helped me somewhat. i'm having fun.. keeping extremely busy.

as soon as i got home, i worked on the newsletter (as well as some unfinished grades). i've been in front of my pc for at least 14 hours this day. i am exhausted (physically and mentally) and i love it. it's "work therapy" for me.. and i suppose it's working (pun intended).

so i have to grab some shuteye now. else i may not be able to wake up tomorrow. at all. hahahaha

there should be a word called "eludite"

love is smoke made with the fume of sighs; being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes; being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears. what is it else? a madness most discreet, a choking gall and a preserving sweet.

- william shakespeare

friend rizi sent me this quote. it just came to mind. don't know why, 'coz i'm not really feeling down and out. in fact, i've been acting all perky and "uppity" today. hmmm. maybe *acting* is the operative word there, hahahaha. sheesh. i never really know anymore. not anymore. tsk tsk.

whatever's repressed must be the reason why i was particularly eager to shop around again today. i bought 10 whiteboards and 5 geometry sets for our class (funded by our pta); 4 flash disks (512mb) for the honor roll committee (reimbursible, natch); a 2gb flash drive, stationery stuff, 2 pairs of footwear and a cutie keychain for me (out of my pocket, boo hoo hoo).

there's still something missing, though. my day's not complete. *i am not complete* and i don't like it. i hate that "eludite" feeling. *sigh* i'm hoping this is nothing but a residue of sleep deprivation..

it's been fun

this day can be described in *one* word.
E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G!!!!

what with my lack of sleep..
the unfortunate mishap with the questions..
the grumpy coaches..
the looooooong hours..
the heat inside the gym..
the traffic..
the ignored texts..
and my splitting headache..

hmm. what else is there to say?!

oh well. it's not been a *total* disaster.
it was quite an adventure.. and our hosts were great.
they kept feeding us 'til we were stuffed, hahaha.
i just hated that *major* boo-boo with the 2nd year questions.
now *that* was *really* embarrassing. sheesh.

gotta go now.. else i throw up.. ewwww

lovely.. just lovely

i had a lovely day today.. for several reasons:

1) my stay at school was quite productive - was able to finish the rating for the recognition day leader/model student awards haha! was also able to meet for the honor roll work. my geom class got their handouts too.

2) cousin doms and i are ok again. hmm. he's still got a lot to learn about relating with people. i keep forgetting how "kiddie" he could be at times. oh well. at least i'm glad to have him back :p

3) nice new song at prax. "circle of life" wasn't really my type. until i heard rannie's arrangement. hahahaha. cool. can't wait to learn that new (challenging) song :)

4) glad i was able to go to rein's place tonight. it felt good. really good >:)

ok, it's been a looong day. i've another equally looong one ahead. i seriously have to get some shuteye..

blind them all

as far as clothes and fashion are concerned, i'm not the person to consult. i'm not good with makeup, hair/nail care and the like. i fret about what to wear to (semi?)formal events. our school's upcoming prom on the 24th being the case in point.

this year's js prom has a 'masquerade' theme. everyone's supposed to wear a mask. including us teacher-chaperones. haha. great. well, i may not be very good with looking all glamorous/elegant; but i'm damned good at disguises (ha! i'm soooo good at being inconspicuous that most of the time i am 'invisible' wahahaha).

needless to say, i'm great with masks. like rainie in "dream country", i wear masks everytime i go out. and i like to keep my 'faces' around.. even when i don't wear them anymore.

"don't let them see you're afraid" or lonely. or sad. or tired. or hurting.

don't let them see you at all..

PS i love you

ü happy valentine's day ü

to walk or not to walk

the question seems pointless.

ever wonder what it's like to walk a knife's edge? it's scary that you will fall if you make the *slightest* mistake. but what's terrifying is that everytime you take a step, you'll bleed. and the longer you walk, the deeper the cut. but you can't stay in one place forever 'coz then you're sure to fall.

just my thoughts at the moment.

funny valentine

ok, so it's not funny. not at all. but it does sort of make me laugh.

i spent practically my whole day at school today. trying to come up with questions for that contest we'll be judging this coming saturday. sheesh. up to now i still am not done with them problems. damn. and to think that i originally planned to spend the day elsewhere. damn, damn, damn! wahahaha.

well, at least all that thinking distracted me. so now i'm tired. physically and mentally. good. maybe this is good. hahaha. what a funny valentine this is turning out to be. damn.

2nd, 3rd, 4th, ...

wahahahaha :p got this "cutie" toon from X some time back. ok, ok.. it's kinda morbid. still, i like it.

second chance to live. another chance at life. hmm. you'd think that if you were given the opportunity to make things better.. to do things right.. you'd jump at the chance to *really* do good. you'd think that you'd have learned your lesson. but no.. it does not always happen that way. and i don't know why that is so.

oh well. maybe some are fast learners while some are late bloomers. haha. yeah, right. *sigh* even with the risk of a broken neck and all.. sometimes it still feels great to fall..

depends on who "you" is

back to pon & zi picture posts for me (for the meantime, at least). hmm. so far this saturday is turning out fine. i slept quite late (er.. "early" that is) last night - around 1am i think. it's been a while since i've done that.. but it *does* feel goooood! :p hahahahaha. i had a good night's sleep - dreamt of nice things.. the kind you forget upon waking, but nevertheless still enable you to feel sorta happy.. that kind of dreams.

right now i'm getting ready to tutor my tutee (is there really such a word?!) - just a couple of stones' throw away from our house. it's been a while since i've gone to her place, too.

hahaha. it's funny how there seem to be a lof of "it's been a while"s for me :p and it's also weird how my mind works.. and how powerful dreams (as well as imagination, visualization, or whatever heck you call it) truly are. hmmm. just some minor modifications next time.. and things will be back to a-ok.. wahahahahaha.

oh.. and by the way, the title is grammatically correct hahahaha :)

____________

today is the deadline for submitting the 3rd quarter grades.
i have *not* submitted mine.
oh, the grades are ready. but i'm not.
i don't want to pass my grading sheets yet.
i'm having second thoughts.
and to just hand over my folder to the records officer..
well, that just seems so.. final.
so i'm holding on to it for the meantime.
even if all i ever do is *look* at the damned sheet.
it's not as if i can magically change those grades into something more satisfactory.
well, actually, i can.
but i won't. it simply is not done that way.
so i continue to hold on.
i continue to do nothing.
even if it does not make sense.
even if it's really irrational.
and even if it's not exactly "healthy" or "beneficial" for me to do so.

it's not so difficult to read between the lines, is it?

i love neil gaiman

there are quite a few things i learned from neil gaiman's sandman. most of which (quite literally) saved my life.

death kept me cheerful in a weird sort of way.
delirium showed me that some truths are "knowable".. except that they're too deeply hidden.
nuala helped me realize that sometimes loving someone is not enough.
and morpheus. well..
morpheus taught me the value of dreams - and how dangerous they can be.
he taught me a lot about change. and how sometimes you have to either change or die (according to lucien).
i also learned a thing or two about the inevitability of things. about love. about broken promises. about escape. about forgiveness. about courage. about grief. about moving on.
hmmm. and quite a lot more lessons, really. but i don't want to write them all down here.

the sandman is *not* just a wonderful story/comic book or a work of great art for me (though it is both). it's a peek into a reality i've always known.. even if only in that dark realm of dreams.

thanks, neil. i owe you much.

my perfect wednesday

thought it would turn out to be a perfect day.. what with the rain and all. tsk tsk. too bad the rain didn't last. damn. i hate the message. but no.. i won't focus on that right now. i'm feeling too damned sucky to add to my gloom.

anyway. i'm here at starbucks megamall (4th floor, as usual). and i'm all by myself. yup. i spent the day *alone* hahaha. and i'm enjoying the solitude. oh yeah.. i tutored alexis.. then after that, touie's gal (+ chris). but basically, i'm all alone today. and i looooove it. i can be alone with my thoughts. i can think of whatever i wanna think about. i can just be my own melancholy self.. pining for the rain that wouldn't come. damnit.

well. enough of that for now. i'm also working on that songbook thingy while killing time. and reading (re-reading, that is) "world's end."

this day is just so lonely. i love it.

it's all in there

"we all not only could know everything. we do. we just tell ourselves we don't to make it all bearable."

"not knowing everything is all that makes it okay."

- sandman vol. 7

"this is true, it's wise and sad, but it depends for its truth on the coin's other side. mortal humans possess the secrets known to gods, and these secrets are often painful. to negate the pain, men and gods forget, pretend to forget, then forget to pretend, but the great secret knowledge remains within, ready to be gained again, however partially. we share more than the brevity of life with the endless." (peter straub - afterword to "brief lives")

* * *

hmmmm. maybe death's right. it's all in here.. just within reach.. but too terrifying to know. too scary to think about.

and i would have to agree with del on this one, too. there are some things you'd rather just *not* know. stuff that you're itching to find out about.. but would kill you to learn..

disjointed thoughts

"There is no expiation, none.
A bitter load I bore:
Now I shall love you nevermore,
Never and nevermore.

"There is no touch or tone of yours
Can make the old love wake."
She said: "But I will follow you,
Even for the old love's sake."

Oh, he has kissed her on the brow,
He took her by the hand:
Into the sunless land they went,
Into the starless land."

the sunless lands. i've been thinking about that these past days. and to think i didn't even know him that well. i didn't remember his face. his name didn't even ring a bell. *sigh* but it saddened me deeply. and i don't know why.. :(

* * *

just some quotes that interest me today. my brain is semi-functional. and well.. these are just the stuff that occupy my mind at the moment. wahahaha. guess i'm back to my usual self. hmmmm. it's good to be me. in spite of who i am..

* * *

"Do not tempt a woman; she will kill you faster than a man, and for less, though she will weep afterward."

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."

"Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition."

"I tell myself it's not the fall. Falling doesn't hurt... it's when you stop." - John Constantine; Sandman #3

I could never again be an angel... Innocence, once lost, can never be regained. Lucifer, in "The Sandman:Season of Mists"

People think that Hell is fire and brimstone and the Devil poking you in the butt with a pitchfork, but it's not. Hell is when you should have walked away, but you didn't . -- Jack Grimaldi: Romeo Is Bleeding

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. " - Oscar Wilde

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." --Friedrich Nietzsche

[God] You have been unhappy because you've desired things that cannot be.
[Lucifer] That's what desire is. The need for what we can't have. The need for what's readily available is called greed. -- Lucifer "All we need of Hell" Mike Carey.

enter sandman

"he's not mine, is he?.. his madness.. his madness keeps him sane.."

so says delirium (speaking about emperor norton I) to dream in sandman: fables & reflections.

not all who appear normal on the outside are sane. sometimes, the sanest people in the world live with unspeakable madness inside them.

my point being..? hmm. nothing, really. i just find myself in the company of morpheus again. and it's not so bad, really. 'coz he's one of my favorite people. one of the few i can relate to.

hmmm. i don't know if it's normal - relating with someone who does not exist. hahaha. but then again.. he's real and not real at the same time. he wouldn't be dream otherwise.

i wouldn't have him any other way.

"his madness keeps him sane.."

hmmm. so does mine. so does mine..

coco loco

DA COCONUT NUT

The coconut nut is a giant nut
If you eat too much, you'll get very fat
Now, the coconut nut is a big, big nut
But this delicious nut is not a nut

It's the coco fruit (it's the coco fruit)
Of the coco tree (of the coco tree)
From the coco palm family

There are so many uses of the coconut tree
You can build a big house for the family
All you need is to find a coconut man
If he cuts the tree, he gets the fruit free!

The coconut bark for the kitchen floor
If you save some of it, you can build the door
Now, the coconut trunk, do not throw this junk
If you save some of it, you'll have a second floor!

The coconut wood is very good
It can stand 20 years if you pray it would
Now, the coconut fruit, to tell you the truth
You can probe it or use it as firewood!

The coconut leaves goodd shade it gives
For the roof, for the walls up against the eaves
Now, the coconut fruit, say my relatives
Make good cannonballs up against the thieves!

It's the coco fruit (it's the coco fruit)
Of the coco tree (of the coco tree)
From the coco palm family
Ole!

believe it or not, we're going to study this song. wahahaha. another one of direk ran's loony ideas. oh well. it's for the homecoming celebration this coming march04. well. i'm not excited to learn this.. but i guess it would still be fun.

sheesh. coconuts. we're all turning loco. loco-nuts. wahahahaha!! :p what's next?!?

loony luna

hmmm. this day sure felt.. umm.. different. it ZIPPED by! sheesh. everything was so fast forward. i can barely remember what happened to my day, hahahaha!

this morning, i gave the handout for geom and started the new chapter on angles. then i finished the math10 sample problems - had fun making up those cartoony examples, hehe. dad picked me up around 3pm.. and (believe it or not) by then i was *really* tired. i slept like a baby in front of the living room tv.

woke up with a splitting headache.. and i went with heids to prax. brought along my trusty sandman graphic novels (re-reading them for the 2nd time). i was absent last choir prax but didn't have time to catch up on learning the new song 'coz i was busy recording the other voices. haha. oh well. it wasn't that difficult anyway. still.. i wish i had more chance to just relax.

i got displaced from my usual place at the table. bummer. i'm not used to being at prax without a table to place my paper (and other writing paraphernalia) on. i sort of got disoriented after that. hahaha. the OC/auti in me is resurfacing again.

anyway, i guess this day is weird 'coz i didn't even get my caffeine fix. no starbucks today. darnit. oh well.. there's always tomorrow :p

oh. and moongirl? hahahaha. wish it were me. well, it is. *kinda* nuninuninuninu.. some bits of happy thoughts remain. hope they're enough to last me through this month..

the loooooove month

it's the first day of february and i'm freezing. wahahahahaha. literally. i went to school wearing a sweater 'coz i actually felt cold. sheesh. i don't know if it's the weather.. or if it's my current "loveless" state. hmm. i'd go for the weather, hahaha.

anyway, i thought this day would turn out really bad. no, not because it heralds the coming of the love month. but i had a *very* frightening dream last night. i dreamt i was in this weird murder mystery.. where i was a detective and i had to find out who the murderer was. and fast. well, what happened was that in the end, *everybody* got murdered. except me. and my two (or three?) companions. so that kinda implied that.. well.. the killer must've been one of us. creepy. but what was *really* scary was that i had this very freaky feeling that i was the unknown murderer. hahahaha. how crazy is that dream, huh?!?!

well. enough of that. the day turned out fine. no murders. no mysteries. just the usual. oh.. and i had fun tutoring alexis today :p hahaha. i'm glad we were able to cover so much in one session. i hope she aces her algeb class this sem :)

that's about it. have tons to do still. a math handout, newsletter articles to encode, songbook files to send, among others.

a weird but totally acceptable way to start the love month, haha. i am sooo looking forward to better things to come *fingers crossed*