my lips are sealed

my fortune today reads "keep your plans secret, for now" hmm. ok. in the spirit of obedience (to the fortune, hahaha) i shall keep my mouth shut.. zipped.. locked.. and the key dutifully hidden in an equally secret place :p

magnificently obsessed

this is the one song that's playing over and over in my (defective) zen micro for the past hours. steven curtis chapman's magnificent obsession.

i love the lyrics. it's a wonderful prayer. i hope that one day i can actually pray it from the heart. 'coz honestly, it is a sort of scary prayer to utter. (remember that "be careful what you wish for, it just might come true" warning?) i just want to be sure that i know what i'm getting into when i actually pray the song.

anyway, here it is. one of these days i'll write an article on this song. but for now, i'll let the lyrics speak for itself..

MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION
Steven Curtis Chapman

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

wishing powers

it's 12am and i just got home. came from a dinner get-together with some relatives at merville. they'll be leaving for canada tomorrow so it was sort of a 'despedida' kind of thing.

anyway, i have not had time to rest much these past days. i suppose i ought to be grateful for the extremely hectic sked. it's the only thing keeping me sane. having a busted car a/c, a defective zen micro and a celphone that refuses to turn on is enough to make me go crazy. *sigh*

tomorrow's another day, though. hopefully things will start looking up. hmp. they'd better. hmmm. i'm still keeping my fingers crossed. on both hands.. and both feet, hahahaha :p

to the depths

"what power would hell have if those there imprisoned were not able to dream of heaven?"

- lord morpheus, preludes & nocturnes (sandman vol. 1)

you know what's worse than suffering and torment? it's suffering and torment with a view of paradise. and that's why i certainly agree with morpheus on this one. dreams are double-edged swords. they can lift you up and enable you to soar to great heights. but they can also skewer your heart and bring you down to the greatest depths with the realization of what they truly are - mere illusion.

the twins desire and despair perfectly illustrate my point. and you can alternate from one state to the other without realizing what's happening to you until it's too late.. :(

leave me alone

hahahaha. i've been called this (jokingly and otherwise) sooooo many times that i got used to it already. well, the term does not bother me as much as it used to before. anyway, i doubt if they know what the term "antisocial" really means. (wanna know more about it? click here)

at any rate, today i *am* feeling antisocial - the way most of my friends understand the term, at least. i don't feel like being with other people right now. i'm not seeking company. i just want to be alone.. to retreat to my own private space.. to enjoy being solitary.

what brought this about? well, i'm feeling so "antisocial" that i don't even want to explain it here in my blog. hahahahaha. if you know me well, maybe you can hazard a guess. if you don't know me well, there's no point in my explaining 'coz you wouldn't understand.

ok, i'm starting to blab like an idiot here so i guess i'll end this post. darnit.

PS: i've a feeling friend sanny will enjoy mocking me if ever he reads this hahaha

who loves the sunflowers? ;-)

i was driving around UP yesterday and along university avenue, i saw a long line of sunflowers in bloom. now i'm not really crazy about sunflowers.. but after seeing all those big yellow flowers turned towards the sun.. well, i couldn't resist taking a picture :p

i dedicate this post to friend g.. who i know is nuts about sunflowers :) hehehe. lalang..

the “best” thing i never had

the other day, i was talking to my friend. she was telling me about her “dilemma.” you see, two years ago, her boyfriend broke up with her. from that time on, she felt lonely. especially when friends and relatives keep asking her that one question single girls dread to hear: “o, kelan ka ba ikakasal?”

so she desperately wished and prayed for a boyfriend (i’m not kidding.. “desperate” is the word for it). it was funny, really.. ‘coz she told me once, “grabe ma’am rox.. sobrang nakakairita na ha. bakit, may problema ba sa ‘kin?! promise, ‘yung susunod na manligaw sa ‘kin, kahit ‘di ko masyadong type, sasagutin ko, magkaboyfriend lang ako!”

she must have done some serious wishing ‘coz three months ago, she excitedly told me about “this guy.” she was lovestruck and googly-eyed. i told her i was happy for her.. though at that time, i was really wondering whether this was really love.. or simply desperation.

it was a few months after her “googly-eyed” phase that she came to me again. her dilemma? “that guy” was a “selfish, lying and arrogant jerk” and she didn’t know what the heck she saw in him in the first place. hmm. i guess it was desperation, after all.

it’s often said, “be careful what you wish for.. you just might get it.” and in my friend’s case, it certainly is true. that’s why i thank God that He does not always grant what we pray for.

i am reminded of so many things i’ve fervently wished/prayed for all these years: graduating with honors, a prestigious career, my best friend staying in the RP, a long reprieve from ministry service, a new job and even the affections of a long-time crush. well, the Lord has not granted these.. the “best things i never had.”

but i’m not bitter (not even about the “affection” part, hehehe). bro. bo sanchez said it so well: “the enemy of the best is not the worst.. but the good.” and i really believe that. for though God sometimes answers our petitions with “no” or “not yet,” in the end, He knows what’s truly best for us.

that’s why, like so many others, my favorite Bible verse is the following:

“‘for I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” jer 29:11

i hope my friend takes this verse to heart, as well.

*grin*

today was a veeeeerrryyy busy day. 10am - 10.30pm straight. i barely saw my parents. sheesh. and my day has not ended yet. 'coz i still need to work on the newsletter.. and to type an exam. not to mention that uber-late lesson plan. darn it. hahahaha.

but i'm happy. i really am. You can always make me smile.. :)

hooray!

ahahahahaha!! i'm soooooooo happy today. i've finally completed the sandman series. yup.. and i'm so lucky because i bought my last two missing copies at powerbooks at 20% discount (thank goodness "world's end" and "fables & reflections" were available when they had their sale!!!)

now i have all 11 graphic novel collections, the two "death" books and "the furies" featuring lyta hall's story. not to mention "the sandman companion" (thanks to soulmate #2). *sigh* life is good.. :)

picture imperfect

cousin trishia just emailed to me last night's pix taken at misato, metrowalk.

since i was a kid, i've always shied away from cameras. really. last year, though, around october to december, i noticed that i didn't look so bad in pictures. i looked at some of the photos of me taken during that period.. and saw that my eyes smiled. i was happy. and my friendship (not really a love affair - i have yet to become a camwhore hehe) with the camera blossomed.

early this year, however, i avoided having my picture taken again. my eyes lost their sparkle. and my smiles seemed strained.

but from what my cousin sent me.. it seems as if my eyes can smile again. hopefully.. this time the light won't fade.. :)

i hate everything about you

soulmate #2 dedicated her latest blogpost to me and i just checked it out right now. i browsed through her other entries and happened upon her "10 things i hate about you" post. i have not watched the movie - although after reading this poem, i'm definitely going to hunt around for a vcd/dvd copy, hehe. as most of you know, i am a sucker for great lyrics/quotes/poems. and this one certainly fits the bill. i hope the movie does not disappoint.. :p

thanx for the post, A. hahahaha. it's no wonder that we are soulmates. hahahahaha..


"i hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
i hate the way you drive my car
i hate the way you stare
i hate your big combat boots
and the way you read my mind
i hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme
i hate the way you're always right
i hate the way you lie
i hate it when you make me laugh
and even more when you make me cry
i hate it when you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
but mostly i hate it that i don't hate you
not even close,
not a little bit,
not even at all."

message deleted

WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! my celphone went crazy today. i was opening a picture file.. then it went dead.. then when it went back on again, all my messages were deleted! those in my inbox.. those in the draft.. those in the "sent" folder.. as well as the hundreds of stored messages i keep in my folders :( dammit.. now all my girltxt "kikay" msgs got erased.. along with inspirational, friendship and love quotes. i wouldn't have cried over that.. except that even ex's msgs were deleted too :'( four years' worth of memories.. and more.. all gone because of a stupid glitch in my phone. damn, damn, damn!!!

and to think that just this morning, i was thinking what would happen if some of my messages got deleted. har har. i hate being sort of clairvoyant. darn it.

i am suddenly reminded of "closing cycles." and i don't want to even consider it right now. sheesh. i wonder if fate is conspiring against me.

torn stereogram images

i love stereograms. it took a while before i was able to actually view the hidden images.. but once i learned, i was hooked! i even have a collection of the "magic eye" series - as well as other stereogram books. hehehe. like cryptic puzzles and codes, i suppose this form of art fascinates me because i've always had a special fondness for hidden things.

i met up with soulmate #2 this afternoon. she rode with me from ortigas to hi-top aurora. we stopped for dinner at wham burger and chatted for a while. she showed me these lyrics.. and naturally, i just *had* to post them here.. 'coz the words are so heartbreakingly beautiful. and i'm such a sucker for such stuff.. just like her, hehehe.

darn. i wish i'd been able to watch rent, too..

WITHOUT YOU
Rent Soundtrack

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girls smile, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

The world revives, colors renew,
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue
Without you.

Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns! The heart yearns! The tears dry!
Without you, life goes on, but I'm gone.
'Cause I die, without you.
Without you. Without you.
Without you

anyway, i'm in "song mode" again right now. and like soulmate #2, i've been collecting nice song lyrics. so in keeping with the theme of this blog entry, i'm posting some really wonderfully sad song lyrics here, hehe. i just looooooove julia fordham..

IT WAS NOTHING THAT YOU SAID

You had me right there in the palm of you hand
With your fingers locked in mine
And with a little sweet talking
I'd've clung on for all time

It was nothing that you said
It was everything you didn't say
And all the tears I've shed
Won't wash the pain away

We had our moment it was golder than gold
It was solid through and through
And in that moment if you'd given the word
I'd've followed you followed you

It was nothing that you said
It was everything you didn't say
And all the tears I've shed
Won't wash the pain away

Misunderstanding number one
I thought that you were bigger than me
Misunderstanding number two
I thought that I could find myself in you

FALLING FORWARD

've been living on wishes, living on wishes all my life
And I wish I could make one
To make everything in your world right

I'm falling forward while you wait behind
Lost for your reasons and missing your time
And I, I'm wishing for you (falling forward)
And I, I'm wishing for you

And I'm only an hour, not even an hour away
But you're keeping your distance
We're more than a million miles apart these days

I'm falling forward while you wait behind
Lost for your reasons and missing your time
And I, I'm wishing for you (falling forward)
And I, I'm wishing for you

And suddenly I'm the villain of the piece
You're lying awake, wondering how I sleep

I'm falling forward while you wait behind
Lost for your reasons and missing your time
And I, I'm wishing for you (falling forward)
And I, I'm wishing for you

GOODBYE I LOVE YOU

Goodbye, I love you
Don't forget to take your list of reasons
And the heart I did not break
Let alone split open, let alone live in
Perhaps a deep blue bruise will mark
The place where I have been

And the sun will still rise tomorrow; so will I
And I'll wave as I say
Goodbye I love you baby
Goodbye I love you baby

Good luck, I missed you before you'd even gone
The voice of wisdom saw to it I was forewarned
That the hands of fate that guided you here to my side
Would pull you back and onwards no matter how I tried

As I lay these future dreams to rest
I bury hem with seeds of hope for happiness

Goodbye, I love you
Don't forget to take your list of reasons
And the heart I did not break

BUTTERFLY

I'm like a butterfly pushing against the wind
You're like a magnet pulling me back in
No matter how I try, no matter what I do
I keep coming back to you

Mercy, mercy please you've got to release me
How this fatal twist of alchemy brings me to my knees

Danger, dangerous, what will become of us?
Strained addiction rushing over me
When will I break free?

You're like a drug, I can't give up
I want you way too much
I keep on, keep on, keep on coming back to you

THE COMFORT OF STRANGERS

I'm jam packed full of movie clips and other junk
TV shows and videos and another whole bunch of stuff
It's like a snippet of a song that no longer belongs
And I'm looking to the comfort of strangers

It's noisy and disjointed in this tangled mess
I'm jarred and jangling on a raw and jagged edge
It's like a picture that has faded the colours have all blurred
And I'm drawn to the comfort of strangers.

And I see myself lying in your arms
When I close my eyes at night
No complex conversation
Ooh to taste the comfort of strangers

I'm fit to burst with CD tracks and stereo
Coupled with bad memories that just never seem to go
And you'd have think that I'd learnt that I always get burned
When I take refuge in the comfort of strangers

Still I see myself lying in your arms
When I close my eyes at night
No complex conversation
Ooh to taste the comfort of strangers

Oh lead me not into temptation
To fight these feelings of frustration
I want a stillness inside and a silence of mind
And to stop dreaming of the comfort of strangers

And I see myself lying in your arms
When I close my eyes at night
And I see myself lying in your arms
When I close my eyes at night
No complex conversation
Ooh to taste the comfort, I want to taste the comfort
Oh please give me the comfort of your arms

The comfort of strangers
The comfort of strangers
It's you, only you
The stranger I've been dreaming of
I close my eyes and I'm lying in your arms
Your arms, with you, with you
The stranger I've been dreaming of
I close my eyes
The comfort of strangers
The comfort of strangers

DIFFERENT TIME, DIFFERENT PLACE

We're all walking a fine line and I'm
Walking towards you, and I
Hope that I'm right in thinking, I'll never walk alone
I'm always running from something
Now I'm running towards you
It may not be the right thing, but it's what I want to do

And in a different time, in a different place
I could see myself with you
And in a different time and a different place
I believe you could see yourself too

I'll be biding my time, and I'll be
Watching my step, 'cos I don't want to
Be starting something here that I might live to regret
'Cos I have learned my lesson
And I have learned it well
There are some things in this life best left for time to tell

In a different time, in a different place
I could see myself with you
And in a different time and a different place
I believe you could see yourself too
In a different time, in a different place

I believe I could safely lay my life down in your hands
I believe that's what I'd do if you gave me half the chance
Oh I believe, oh I believe, oh I believe

In a different time, in a different place
I could see myself with you
And in a different time and a different place
I believe you could see yourself there too

GUILTY

My rose tinted glasses are incredible
Blinding me to the inevitable
Coloring my judgment like a jumbo pack of pens
Like the ones you buy for birthday's
For children of your friends

My inner guide was screaming look out beware
I silenced Miss Righteous with one stony glare
Figuring what would she know anyway
Yet thanks to her I'm standing her
Defiantly today

I was clearly guilty
Of only being able to see
The good you did for me

My white flag was flying in the wind
Though you had no heard for surrendering
On we marched regardless for reason's still unknown
Sometimes the wrong thing
Seems so much better than being alone

I was clearly guilty
Of only being able to see
The good you did for me

Is this a good time to mention
Some where contemplating
An earthly intervention
We're all blessed with 20/20 hindsight
You're just another thing
I didn't quite get it right

I was clearly guilty
Of only being able to see
The good you did for me

KILLING ME SLOWLY

I confess, there's a chance
I cannot fake it any longer
I admit, this could be it
there's a danger I'm going under
I know that yesterday
you saw me stronger than the sun
Then one cold word from you
and swiftly I've come undone

And your love's killing me slowly
Killing me one day at a time
Killing me slowly
It's the sweetest suicide
it's the sweetest suicide

Killing me slowly

Your firm hand on the door
my brave little foot keeping it open
My whole self on the line
there's a danger I might get broken
Slip your pill under my tongue
and willingly I succumb
Cup my heart in your palm
and squeeze it 'til the red stuff runs

And your love's killing me slowly
Killing me one day at a time
Killing me slowly
It's the sweetest suicide
it's the sweetest suicide

Killing me slowly

For a moment there
you know I almost fooled myself
Into thinking I was in control of how I felt
Striving towards salvation
clutching my last drop of dignity
Go on take the pillow
smother me, smother me

And your love's killing me slowly
Killing me one day at a time
Killing me slowly
It's the sweetest suicide
it's the sweetest suicide

i don't get it

there are many things that i don't understand. like why people keep pushing the elevator buttons so many times, even when this does not make the machine go faster. or how cockroaches can be so damned hard to kill. or why it always rains on the brokenhearted. or how certain people can be so callous.. and indifferent to the point of cruelty. or the message of these lyrics.

haha. i like this song.. but unfortunately, i don't get what it's saying.

selling the drama
live

and to love: a god
and to fear: a flame
and to burn a crowd that has a name
and to right or wrong
and to meek or strong it is known,
just scream it from the wall

i've willed, i've walked,
i've read i've talked,
i know, i know,
i've been here before

hey, now we won't be raped
hey, now we won't be scarred like that

it's the sun that burns
it's the wheel that turns
it's the way we sing that makes 'em dream
and to christ: a cross
and to me: a chair
i will sit and earn the ransom from up here

i've willed, i've walked,
i've read i've talked,
i know, i know,
i've been here before

hey, now we won't be raped
hey, now we won't be scarred like that
hey, now we won't be raped
hey, now we won't be scarred like that
scarred like that

and to love: a god
and to fear: a flame
and to burn a love that has a name

i've willed, i've walked,
i've read i've talked,
i know, i know,
i've been here before

hey, now we won't be raped
hey, now we won't be scarred like that
hey, now we won't be raped
hey, now we won't be scarred like that

maybe i just lack sleep. after all, these past days have been *extremely* tiring for me. i got home from recording around 1am (haha. nakita pa namin si gary v. sa mxn studio. nagpa-pix naman ang mga excited kong choirmates kasama siya. tsk tsk. why am i not starstruck?! there must be something terribly wrong with me..) and i had to wake up early today for an appointment in ortigas. i was able to eat lunch at 5.30pm already (my poor stomach!!!).. then it was off to the prayer meeting.. then to grads ball.

*sigh* it's no wonder i don't get a lot of things..

Visions of a Sunrise

i wrote the following article about the baccalaureate ceremony for our church's newsletter. haha. i just typed down a few words.. i don't have much time to spare 'coz i'll need to go back to UP for the graduation ceremonies this afternoon.

*sigh* graduation always gives me mixed feelings. i'm really proud and happy for my students (especially my advisees and my student-friends). but i hate saying goodbyes. like a lot of other important rites we go through in life, graduation brings with it bittersweet emotions. and these only makes one realize the value of friendship.

hmmm. commencement exercises start in a couple of hours. then it's off to choir practice and recording for me. it's going to be one looooooooooooong day for me. with all the thoughts in my head today, i wonder how i'm going to fare.. hehehe :p

* * *

“Misyon ng kabataan, makabuluhang pagbabago ay simulan” This is the theme for our school’s graduation/baccalaureate ceremonies for this year. Effecting change. Given that our graduation rites happen only two days after Easter, I think the theme is very appropriate.

During the baccalaureate ceremonies, Pastor Leo Panlilio (one of our guest speakers) said that in order to effect change, one should be a visionary. He gave the graduating students advice on how to make their “visions” come true: (1) Visualize clearly and specifically what you want to be; (2) Be desperate in wanting to realize your dreams; (3) Follow your purpose whole-heartedly; and (4) Commit to your vision faithfully.

It was very heartwarming to see the normally restless young people listen so attentively to the message being preached to them. After the ceremony, quite a number of the students (and parents!) approached our speaker to thank him for his words of encouragement. Considering that these are teenagers who usually do not mingle with adults, this was utterly surprising, to say the least.

Why were the youth so affected? Why were they so happy, so receptive to the message preached by the Pastor? I think it is because through him, the students were given a vision - something they can hope for and eventually achieve. They were allowed to dream a bit higher - to aim for more than what they originally thought they could be.

And that, exactly is what Jesus did when He rose from the dead. He gave us a vision.. a glimpse of sunrise - new hope, new life. This is the Easter message for all of us: Through our Lord Jesus Christ, we can be far more than what we originally thought we could be.

by my lonesome

it's officially summer and we do not have any classes in UPIS anymore. still, this is going to be another one of those hectic weeks for me. today we had our final graduation rehearsal. tomorrow we'll have the baccalaureate in the morning.. and the commencement exercises in the afternoon. then i'll proceed to choir practice and then (maybe) to recording. on wednesday, i'm off to an appointment at 10am.. lecture from 1-5pm.. prayer meeting by 7pm.. graduation ball from 8-11pm. hmm. just thinking about it makes my head hurt and my stomach cramp up. *sigh*

anyway. for the past days i found myself shying away from company. i don't know.. i guess i just want to be alone. it's not that i do not like people (although friend sanny would probably disagree with me on that). i just need time to be with myself. to organize my thoughts. to look inside me and see what i need to work on. the past week brought out so many realizations - welcome and otherwise. i suppose it will take me some time to sort through the whole effing mess.

in a weird (though not totally unexpected) way, sam also wants to be alone. so right now, i am literally and figuratively by my lonesome. hmm. it's not so bad. i guess the solitude and quiet introspection will help calm me a bit.. and maybe put things in their proper perspective. maybe. i just really hope everything goes back to normal soon. because solitude, with all its advantages, can also be quite maddening.

meanwhile, here's a song.. courtesy of soulmate #2..

honestly ok
dido

i just want to feel safe in my own skin
i just want to be happy again
i just want to feel deep in my own world
but im so lonely i dont even want to be with myself anymore
on a different day
if i was safe in my own skin
then i wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
but this is today and im lost in my own skin
and im so lonely i dont even want to be with myself anymore
i just want to feel safe in my own skin
i just want to be happy again

now here's a song from me. hmm. i've always liked this song, but it's only now that i read the lyrics. hahaha. niiiiiice. really nice. soulmate #2.. should i dedicate this to you..? ;-p

white flag
dido

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that, but if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet, as I'm sure we will
All that was then will be there still
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue
And you will think that I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

easter greetings

Easter is a time of love,
A time of death and pain undone,
So we may know the power of
The love that lives in everyone.
Each love we feel, unstained and free,
Redeems us--as with you and me.

may the redeeming love of our Lord Jesus Christ be yours on this day and always. a blessed Easter to everyone!

[disclaimer: this poem is not mine - i just found it while surfing the net today :) ]

don't be cruel

i was intrigued when i saw how the "bleeding hearts" plant looked. as you can see from the photograph, the flowers really look like hearts dripping with blood. neat, huh?

speaking of bleeding hearts. ever thought about what would hurt you most? what act of betrayal would wring your heart dry? what offense would you consider near-unpardonable? what would be the most cruel thing a friend or loved one could do to you?

i do not take offense quickly. whenever i'm slighted, i usually get over it after a couple of hours. i rarely hold grudges. and there are even times when i defend the very same people who hurt me. even when they are not aware that i do.

but i have my limits. and when i realize that someone is abusing my patience.. taking advantage of my silence.. or breaking my trust.. then my heart hardens. i can understand broken, fallen people. but cruel people, i have difficulty dealing with.

"If it were absolutely necessary to choose, I would rather be guilty of an immoral act than of a cruel one." (Anatole France) immoral acts may come from a lack of discipline or self control.. a "spur of the moment" kind of thing. but cruel acts are well-thought out and usually full of malice. immoral acts may leave one's heart scarred and hurting. but cruel acts make hearts bleed. and the irony of it all is that often, cruelty stems from "acts of kindness." disguised as well-intentioned actions. hidden behind smiles, words of wisdom and yes, even religion.

hmmm. the bleeding heart of Jesus. i'm sure it is well-acquainted with cruelty in all its forms. and i'm sure it also knows how to deal with the pain that cruel people inflict upon it. maybe this lenten season i, too, will know how. i'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

black

today, my mind is on black holes. i don't know how my thoughts turned to these cosmic marvels. probably because i was thinking of stars yesterday.. and also maybe because it's BLACK saturday (not that big a leap to BLACK holes right?). hmmm. whatever the reason, that's what i'm thinking of right now.

a black hole in the heart? hmm. not really. but it is a bleak, black day for me. don't know why:
You can’t deny what you are
You are a part of a star like me
We will return there one day soon
We will return there one day soon

for those who are interested in the subject, click here. you'll find lots of answers to FAQs on black holes :p

stars

next to the rain, i love the night sky. as i mentioned in my previous posts, i just love looking up at the stars.. and the moon. i saw this picture while surfing the net today (hmm.. not much else left to do during this lenten break); and i fell in love with it. so i'm posting it here to share with you all.

as for the song.. well, i just downloaded it today. it's currently playing in my zen micro, hehe :p brings back memories.. hahaha. oh well. i still like this song. really.

STARS
Simply Red

Anyone who ever held you
Would tell you the way I’m feeling
Anyone who ever wanted you
Would try to tell you what I feel inside
The only thing I ever wanted
Was the feeling that you ain’t faking
The only one you ever thought about
Wait a minute can’t you see that..

I wanna fall from the stars
Straight into your arms
And I, I feel you
I hope you comprehend

For the one who tried to hurt you
She’s explaining the way I’m feeling
For all the jealousy I caused you
States the reason why I’m trying to hide
As for all the things you taught me
It sends my future into clearer dimensions
You’ll never know how much you hurt me
Stay a minute can’t you see that..

I wanna fall from the stars
Straight into your arms
And I, I feel you
I hope you comprehend

Too many hearts are broken
A lover’s promise never came with a maybe
So many words are left unspoken
The silent voices are driving me crazy
As for all the pain you caused me
Making up could never be your intention
You’ll never know how much you hurt me
Stay can’t you see that..

I wanna fall from the stars
Straight into your arms
And I, I feel you
I hope you comprehend

what's good about good friday?

good friday. i've always wondered how it came to be called such. i mean, who coined the term "good friday" anyway?! i doubt that it was anyone who actually witnessed Jesus' crucifixion. because i could not imagine how anybody at that time could ever call that day "good."

imagine this. you are born into a loving family. you are brought up well by your parents. you grow up to be a God-fearing person. you are not wealthy, but you have devoted friends and followers. you earn the respect men and a lot of people look up to you. you spread God's Word to your community. you heal the sick, you give comfort to those who are hurting. you serve your Father and do His will. you spend time with your friends.. allowing them to know more about God and His Kingdom. you break bread with them. you share your secrets with them. you love them unconditionally.

then one day, after dinner, soldiers come to arrest you. you've been set up. you are taken into custody under false charges. your friends are not able to help you. and to make matters worse, it was someone whom you considered your friend.. someone you loved.. who sold you out for 30 pieces of silver. out of all the people in the world, you would be led to your death by someone whom you fully trusted.

if you were Jesus hanging on the cross on that friday some 2000 years ago..
.. fully aware that you have done nothing wrong
.. knowing that you are being tortured to death because of petty politics
.. still stinging from the jeers and taunts of the very same crowd whom you healed
.. betrayed and abandoned by those whom you loved the most

if you were Jesus hanging on the cross.. would you have done as He did?

because if it were me, i know what i would have done. i would have cursed all those who were looking up at me. i would have shouted invectives at all of them - my enemies for plotting against me, the onlookers for being hypocrites and fence-sitters, and yes, even my friends for lacking the courage to stand by me. i would have scanned the crowd for my betrayer. i would have given him my most scathing look and if i had the power, i probably would switch places with him. let him suffer on the cross instead! he deserved it, after all, not i.

thank God that it was Jesus up on that cross on that fateful friday. because i know that if it were me.. or anyone else on this earth, for that matter.. then the world would have been doomed. there would have been no forgiveness.. no salvation.. no hope.

what's "good" about good friday? the fact that our Lord Jesus died for us. all of us. not just His friends. not just those who stood by Him. He died for the pharisees and the tax collectors. He died for the man who pounded the nails into His hands and feet. He died for the crowd who taunted Him and blasphemed His name. He died for the man who betrayed Him. He died for all of us who, at different times in our lives, betrayed Him.

the blood of Jesus.. willingly poured out on the cross. it was good. and more than 2000 years after His death and resurrection, it still is. yes, we have so much to be grateful for.. not just on good friday.. but everyday.

on friendship

i found this at X's blog and thought i'd post it here, after editing some grammatical errors (yak, OC talaga! hehe).

it's not extremely profound or anything.. but it made me smile when i read it. hmmm.

hey sam.. let me know your take on this one, ok? ;-)

Friends and Lovers

Lovers fight. And so do friends. But lovers kiss and make-up. Friends make-up only. But when lovers don't make up, usually they just cool off and find it hard to be the same again. When friends don't make up, it's the weirdest feeling in the world so they still make-up eventually.

Lovers get jealous. And so do friends. But lovers get jealous because they demand commitment. Friends get jealous because they demand attention. But when lovers get jealous, they really look serious. When friends get jealous, they look funny.

Lovers give each other gifts. And so do friends. But when lovers do this, it's but natural. When friends give each other gifts, it's sooooo sweet.

Lovers make each other happy. And so do friends. They hang out, call one another, talk, yell, encourage when the other is down, sing, dance, eat together. They share secrets, dreams, take care of each other. But lovers expect these from one another. Friends willingly choose to do this with one another.

Lovers can be complicated. And so can friends. But lovers usually try hard to adjust to one another. Friends just stay the way they are and don't give a damn whether they are nuts, or freaks, or stupids. 'Coz friends are not turned-off; they only laugh.

Lovers freak-out when you forget birthdays. And so do friends. But lovers wouldn't forgive until they forget. Friends wouldn't forgive until an hour after when they receive a li'l bar of chocolate with a cheap card.

Lovers really love each other. And so do friends. But lovers either get married or break up. Friends either stay friends or nothing at all.

walk on by

had our lenten recollection at megamall yesterday from 12-5pm (well actually, we went waaaay beyond the time - we ended at around 7pm already). and boy, was i tired! it wasn't really the singing that drained me (i actually didn't sing all that much - my voice was quite hoarse from the previous night's gimmick). rather, it was lack of sleep, exposure to smoke and "hamog" (hehehe), skipped meals and maybe too much talking (really now?!?) that caused me to lose almost all my energy. after the reco, i was ready to drop dead from sheer exhaustion. but we still had a bday party to go to (gloria maris at greenhills).. so i wasn't allowed to do that just yet, haha.

got home around 11.45pm. sheesh.. i felt really full. too much food!! seems like i ate more in that one dinner than i had for the past two days. hahaha. must've gained 5 pounds. dammit. *sigh* well, i hope i'll shed them when we go walking tomorrow/later.

i'm going on my first ever "visita iglesia" later with my choirmates. i'll be hitching a ride with soulmate #1 to nancy's - and from there, cdr says we'll walk our way through 14 churches in manila. hmmm. i have not done that ever.. but i do love to walk.. so perhaps i'll enjoy the "adventure" haha :p

this lenten season is turning out quite differently from what i expected. but that's ok. it ain't so bad :p i wonder what easter will bring..

* * *
POST SCRIPT:

(1) that's me with sanny, soulmate #2, rox and cousin almi.
haha.. just spending some "weird" moments together :p

(2) oh, and by the way, the "adventure" today was cancelled.
hmm. this is one change of sked that i don't mind so much.. :)
i won't get my first visita iglesia this year.. but i won't get
scorched by the heat of the sun either.. hehehe :p
well, there's always next year, anyway.. hehehe

gullible

TAKEN IN
Mike & the Mechanics

Taken in, taken in again
Wrapped around the finger of some fair-weather friend
Caught up in the promises, left out in the end
No pride, taken for a ride
You say I’m the only one when I look in your eyes
I want to believe you but you know how to lie

And if you say you understand I don’t believe it
And when you reach out for my hand I don’t believe it
And if you say you take the blame I don’t believe it
And if say that nothing’s changed I don’t believe it, don’t believe it

Taken in, taken in again
Someone saw me coming, a fool without a friend
There’s one born every minute and you’re looking at him

And if you say you want me near I don’t believe it
And when you’re holding back the tears I don’t believe it
And when you swear that you are mine I don’t believe it
And it’s your heart that’s on the line I don’t believe it, don’t believe it

Taken in, taken in again
Wrapped around the finger of some fair-weather friend
Caught up in the promises, left out in the end
No pride, taken for a ride
You say I’m the only one when I look in your eyes
I’d love to believe you but you know how to lie

You say you want me near I don’t believe it
And when you’re holding back the tears I don’t believe it
Oh, there’s one born every minute, you’re looking at him

Taken in, taken in again
Someone saw me coming, a fool without a friend
I want to believe you, oh
When you say you understand
When you reach out for my hand
Oh, I wish I could believe you
Taken in, taken in again

heard this song playing over K-Lite yesterday as i was driving to school. haha. i didn't realize that i liked the lyrics :p

hmmmm. am i gullible? i don't know. i hope not. but whatever the case may be, i got some inspiration from this song. but that will be my secret for now hehehe.. ;-)

sad eyes

i'm not much of a "dog" person. i prefer cats to canines. but i like this picture. i like this puppy that looks so sad and lonely. seems like he's begging for somebody to take him adopt him or something.

can think of nothing else to post for today. oh well.

Serving the Undeserving

“ ‘No,’ said Peter, ‘you shall never wash my feet.’ Jesus answered, ‘Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.’ ‘Then, Lord,’ Simon Peter replied, ‘not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!’” John 13:8-9

I attended the EMR held at the Rivers Center this Saturday. I was there only because our group was assigned to sing at the Mass; and because I was tasked to man the projector. Honestly, I wanted to go home already. It’s been a long week - filled with activities both in the choir and at work. I was tired, sweaty and sleepy. I wanted to rest.

Nevertheless, I stayed to serve at the EMR. I told myself I’d just read a good book while the seminar was going on.. just to while away time. But as Sis. Nona was giving her lecture on discipleship, I found that I did not want to read my book anymore. I was interested in the talk. Even though I was not really an official participant of the EMR, I realized that God must really have wanted me to be there.. so He could speak to me. So I put my book away. And I listened.

I have been singing in the choir longer than I have been working. I’ve experienced a lot of “burnout” moments. Over the years, I’ve had sooo many “dramatic” encounters with various members in the community. Encounters that brought frustration and disillusionment. Numerous times, I’ve considered quitting the ministry.. or leaving the community. And yet, there I was.. sitting in at the EMR, when I would rather have gone home to rest. And I asked myself, “Why am I still here, serving in this community?”

Hmmm. Why, indeed? I got my answer when Fr. Domie discussed the verse I quoted previously (Jn 13:8-9) and began the Rites of Washing of the Feet. (Incidentally, this verse is special to me. It’s actually one of the verses in my prayer journal, way back in 1999). It was a very moving moment for me - bringing back to mind a lot of the lessons I’ve learned through years of ministry service.

Like Peter, I did not want the Lord to “wash my feet.” I did not want Him to see how dirty I was. And I did not want Him to be soiled because of me. I was sinful. He is holy. He should not be serving me. I should be washing His feet instead.

But Fr. Domie said it so well. True ministry is serving the undeserving. And to do that, one must really be humbled. I had to recognize that I needed a Savior.. but I had to be humble enough to allow Him to cleanse me, as well. For it is by stooping down and washing my feet that the Lord made me realize that He accepts me.. loves me.. unconditionally.

I have a lot of faults and failures.. but the Lord is willing to minister to me - with my dirty feet and all. He cleans me and purifies me. He gives me second, third and fourth chances. And He tells me to do the same to others.

How can I refuse? I, who have been given so much, how can I say no to the privilege of service? Despite trials, moments of spiritual dryness and frustration, I am still here because of Him. And I have no regrets, whatsoever :)

So, refreshed and empowered, I say “yes” once more to the Lord’s call. An undeserving minister.. ready to serve Him.. and others who may be as undeserving as I.

Quiet

i'm posting this song here, simply because i looooove the words :p

haha. i remember a time when i wasn't ok.. when i would have called this MY song. thankfully, that phase is over now (and i hope it remains over.. hehe)

nuninuninuninuninu.. hahahaha. don't worry sam, everything's gonna be all right.

PLEASE DON'T ASK
Popsicle

Somehow I thought I'd be that strong
Finally accepting that you're really gone
Thought we could spend some time together
That things were getting better now

Let me tell you honey I was wrong
Now I'm so empty and the days so long
Though I'm trying not to show it
There's no way you don't know it by now

So please don't ask any questions
Just let it be
'Cause I've told you what I mean
And please don't leave any message
Just say goodbye
I will try to hide
The way I feel this time

As if it wasn't enough with the streets we shared
Now even the weather seems to take me there
I hear you giggling with the raindropps
Humming with the treetops sighing

So excuse me while I sing this song
But I'm so empty and the days so long
Will I never stop complaining
Find myself again and
Step out on the other side

I look into the mirror
See an empty space that used to be your face
I know it's trivial
So why do I keep dwelling on it

it's freaky being psychic

suppose you were able to "feel" the future - you know, get some kind of "alarm" when unpleasant news is coming. or suppose that you were able to somehow read your friends' minds - what they were thinking, the things they wanted to keep secret, or the stuff that they didn't want you to find out.

clairvoyance and mind-reading. would you consider these as gifts? if you had the power to know what tomorrow brings.. and what your friends *really* thought about you.. would you exercise it? would you ask for the ability to know hidden things?

knowledge is a two-edged sword. what use will knowledge have if it cannot effect change? what advantage is there in knowing the future if you cannot improve tomorrow? and what help will you get out of looking into your friends' minds, if you see that they may not be the friends you thought they were? yes, knowledge brings power. but it can also bring grief and sorrow. would you dare ask for this gift? would you take the risk?

just some things playing around in my mind today. don't ask me why. just practice your psychic powers and look inside my head.

sunsets

i'm not a sunlover. i really am more of a "rain person" - preferring dark skies and grey mornings to bright, sunny weather. besides, my eyes are overly-sensitive to sunlight.. so when the sun's up, i'd usually be squinting my way near-blindly while walking to my car or wherever. tsk, tsk. not a good idea.

there are moments, though, when i find the sun beautiful. and those are the times when it's about to "leave" hehe. i love sunsets. i know a lot of people love sunrises; but as for me, next to a wonderful rainshower, there's nothing like a good sunset :) so i'm sharing with you some nice pictures of sunsets. back to picture mode for me..