keeping after zouzou

whew! what a day.. XP

i guess i can consider this day 'out of the ordinary.' it was not a very busy one - with a department meeting and a couple of 'article-tweaks' done.

today is not the usual day because (1) i decided to try something different (i.e., breaking routine by NOT attending a choir activity); (2) i went back to school AFTER i went home (hitched a ride with mich & poc); and (3) i went 'semi-malling' with mich and hitched a ride home with her XD

it's a tiring but happy day. and i dunno.. maybe i'm preparing for a different kind of routine that i'm hoping i wouldn't have to get into in the near future. still, i can smile.. uh.. sort of, haha.

now it's time to rest.. XP i'm missing you a bit. and i don't know if that's a good thing or not..

*smooch*

i always wanted to get a big kiss *smile* more than that, though, i really wanted to give one, hahaha!

today's ash wednesday. i'd have to say, though.. i was kinda distracted today. i sort of forgot about it, honestly.. hehe. oh well.. i guess that's really how things go..

at any rate.. i can still smile today :D thanx.. though next time, i wish it would get more literal.. ;-)

zarina

for the past 40 hours or so, i've been playing games on facebook. sheesh. i knew it. everytime i join one of those online social networks, the OC in me gets me hooked. hahaha. so i ended up playing mafia wars, dragon wars and vampires.

i don't know what i get out of playing the games. aside from wasting my time, that is. i did, however, get to finish writing down the minutes to last week's execom meeting this afternoon - mostly thanks to about an hour's worth of playing those three games online. haha. some motivation, huh?

oh well. i'm starting to not feel so well :( i think i'm going to rest early today (haha.. yeah right!) tomorrow's another long day. *sigh* i hope it'll be a good one..

start pretending

every sunday, i try to wake up early to catch bo sanchez' talk over abc5 (it starts at around 6am, i think.. but i never catch the start since i'm usually way too sleepy to wake up at that time).

yesterday's topic was about how to become the person you want to be (or something like that). bo said that if you want to be a loving person, for example, then you have to act as if you already were. that is, you'll pretend to be the kind of person you want to be.

he goes on to say that if you do this, pretty soon, you will no longer have to pretend. your mind/body would have gotten used to "pretending" so that you will actually be a loving person. (did you actually understand what i wrote? sheesh. bo said it a lot better than i did.. sorry)

needless to say, his talk made me think through a lot of stuff in my head. not all of which are good (my head contains mostly er.. "un-good" stuff, hahaha)

so i'm embarking on a new project, starting today. i just don't know if i'd be able to pull it off.. but hey, it's worth a try. anything would be worth it, if i could just be successful at this.. how i wish i were her.. :(

caving in

ok, ok.. so i caved. sheesh..

i don't know WHY i bothered to sign up for a facebook account. it's not as if i initially planned to update regularly (see what happened to my friendster account that's been dormant for god knows how long). i don't have lots of time to spare for yet another online social network. updating this blog takes up a lot of my time already.

so WHY did i cave in?

i dunno. maybe i just need to be in touch with people (or not-so-people people) again.

damn. my antisocial tendencies are starting to ruin my life XP as well as other unmentionable tendencies.. *sigh*

what a credo

i had one of those not-so-terrific days again today. maybe it's because of yesterday's "fiasco".. or maybe it's because of hormones again. still, this day sucks. and the only thing that saved it was a pair of shoes.

after i made my mom flare up due to my bitchy attitude, dad brought us to gateway to go malling. which just goes to show that shopping therapy really works for women. yup.. it can cool heads and make women (even moms) forget their squabbles. it's costly.. but hey.. the release from stress is definitely worth it.

am i proud? hmm. i dunno.. 'coz in truth, bitch + submissive SO = zarina

how i wish..

but it seems i can't.. *sigh*

there isn't much i'm able to do nowadays. sheesh. this isn't good for the self-esteem, you know. i feel quite.. useless. hmp.

anyway, this afternoon, i craved something sweet.. so i went to shoppersville to buy chocolate ice cream (actually, i went there to buy the 'eucalyptus-scented kleenex' when the craving set in). i suddenly remembered this quote sam sent a couple of months back:

am i still in the child's world where candy stands for something sweet enough to hold back tears? (v.c. andrews)


well. the ice cream helped some, i think. and so did the sleep!!! sheesh! hahaha. as soon as i got home, i hit the sack and slept for what.. more than 2 hours?! i skipped prax 'coz i felt so tired. waah.

i think i'm going to get even more sleep. hahaha. this is going to make me FAT.. XP i really wish you'd get back to your 'normal' happy self when you're with me.. even if you're just pretending..

dare (the) devil

i don't think anyone would mistake me for a risk-taker.. much less a daredevil (is there a 'female' term for this?!) well, neither would i.

but as i always tell my geom class, "do not trust the figure," i ought to say "do not trust your senses."

i find that lately, i am often wrong in how i assess myself. hmm. i guess in spite of the increased solitude, i do not know myself anymore.

some risks are just not worth taking.. so why the hell do i keep on taking them with you?! :(

blowin' in the wind

maybe because it's fun..?

or maybe people don't really intend to hurt each other. they just couldn't help themselves. *sigh* i'd like to think there's no malice in it. still.. one never knows..

today i had a post-vday coffee date with mama smurf (whose name is an oxymoron, when you think about it). it felt good to be in her company again. but i think my glum mood got in the way (or perhaps it was the 'donut distraction'.. i dunno). by the time i got to the prayer meeting venue, i was so frazzled. hmm. not much new there, anyway.

i still don't know the answer.. but i suppose it doesn't really matter. robot or alien, one still has to find ways to deal with the facts. i just wish there were a better way.. *sigh* is it too presumptuous of me to think you do this on purpose..? :'(

teardrops on no guitar

_____ walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?

And there he goes, so perfectly,

The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love

Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause..

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

currently listening to taylor swift's teardrops on my guitar on my celphone right now. it's the first time i heard it, but i liked the words immediately.. so i googled the lyrics and posted them here XP

i couldn't find a suitable pic, though.. and i find myself wishing that i knew how to draw the images in my head. tsk.

oh. and i also find myself wishing i had a guitar (and that i knew how to play, of course). then i could try my hand at writing sappy songs like this, too. hahaha.

at least maybe that would help me get to sleep. zzz.. you're the reason for the teardrops. and the smiles too. :x

indifferently silent

hmmm. there's nothing else i can add to this cartoon, is there? it's pretty self explanatory..

***

this day's pretty tiring. weird.. considering the fact that i didn't really do anything much. but then again, maybe it's not that surprising. after what's happened today (or rather, what's *not* happened), i kinda expected to be really, really tired.. :(

funny how even the girl in the cartoon looks like me. hahahahaha. this sucks. this really sucks X_x i'm missing you terribly.. X_x

puzzled

okay, here's an old puzzle cited in the book i mentioned a couple of posts back. maybe you'd like to try answering it..

you are given 12 coins. they all have the same weight, except for one, which may be either lighter or heavier than the rest. you have to find out which coin is different, and whether it is light or heavy, using at most three weighings on a pair of scales. the scales have no graduations for weights; they just have two pans, and you can tell whether they are in balance, or the heavier one has gone down and the lighter one has gone up.

anyway, it's a puzzle, all right XP the solution in the book is given here below. good luck in figuring it out, hehehehe:

F set the coins out in a row
And chalked on each a letter, so,
To form the words, 'F AM NOT LICKED'
(An idea in his brain had clicked.)
And now his mother he'll enjoin:
MA DO LIKE
ME TO FIND
FAKE COIN

cool, huh? XP

oh well. this book sure was a good buy. it's an effective distraction. *sigh* i love puzzles. but really.. why do you keep confusing me this way..?! what did i do this time..? :(

an unexpected valentine

hmmm. this day of hearts sure is starting out weird. happily weird, that is XP

early this morning (hmm.. 12:34am..?) i received an unexpected valentine greeting that really made me smile.

when i woke up, i got a deluge of greetings from people i haven't heard from in a looooong time. that made me smile again.

i got up from bed to find that our hired help was here to clean up last week's mess.. even though it's vday. obviously that made me smile too.

and then i read friend alexis' message in the chatbox.. along with a link to descartes' letter. and i saw this 'gift' from him.

wow. what can i say..?! my first valentine heart for the day. and it came from a rabbit. my imaginary pet rabbit.

thanx, descartes. i take back all the lousy things i said about you before.. hahaha XP

i know you're not the sweet, snuggly type.. but just the same.. here's a hug of thanks from me to you.. *hug* (that goes for you, too, obviously.. XP ily)

geeky + romantic = sierpinski

.. tomorrow XP

yeah i know. it's a day before valentine's day. but everyone else seems to be in 'valentine' mode today. sheesh. surprisingly though, i'm not too affected. i mean.. i don't feel sappy, nor do i feel bitter (naks!). i'm just.. hmm.. er.. amused..?! hehehe..

i was actually planning to celebrate today. because it's friday the 13th. and that is one of my favorite er.. days (not 'occasion' or 'holiday' because it's neither). i was supposed to go hunting for black cats, leaning ladders and broken mirrors. or, alternatively, four-leafed clovers and rabbits' feet (obviously for luck). but i never got 'round to it because the valentine spirit was so pervasive. oh. and i had my geeky book, too. so combining the effects of those two.. i forgot to celebrate my happy friday the 13th day XP

and it seems as if there won't be any saturday the 14th celebration either.. (awww)

oh well. there's always tomorrow. and the next day. and the next.. hehehe :D i can't wait for a "post" celebration. sorry i can't make it tomorrow. next time, though.. *hug*

finding my inner geek

ok wait. so this entry's title isn't really that accurate. my so-called 'inner' geek isn't exactly all that hidden, after all XP

the original plan for the day was for me to watch "yes man" with house guest em and my parents. but, due to some unforeseen circumstances, we weren't able to push through with that. so in the end, it was only em and i who went to gateway mall to kill time XP

we didn't get to watch any movie anymore because we found ourselves wandering through the mall's fully booked shop :D (that is, after she ooh'ed and aah'ed at the clipper store hehehe)

so i ended up with this er.. wonderfully geeky book by ian stewart. it's kinda pricey.. but then again, considering that i haven't bought any geeky math book in years.. i think it's worth it :D

i can't wait to read and re-read this. hahaha. i'm so happy i'm finally getting in touch with my weird/nerdy/geeky side again! XD it's just too bad you didn't push through with YOUR plan. tsk. bakit naman kasi ang layu-layo mo..?!

luscious

raspberry is my new strawberry :D hahaha..

i've always been partial to "berries" ever since i was a kid. last month, when i was shopping for friend carolle's xmas/bday gift at body shop, i saw the raspberry body butter.. and i loved it! XD it smelled wonderfully luscious :D

today i *finally* got my own body butter! wheeee!! and this one's special, of course. it's uhm.. one of a kind, hahaha!! sheesh.. ang babaw talaga ng kaligayahan ko.. but really.. thanx for it.. (smile)

haburdei maykol

haha. masaya lang ang araw na 'to. haburdei maykol!

yummy

today cousin em sleeps over at our house. wheeee!! hahaha. no, this isn't some kind of "slumber party" - it's just a 2- or 3-day sleepover. kinda like a 'vacation' for my poor, poor cousin.. hehehe.. and a 'break' for me. a break from my solitude, that is.. :p

anyway, i wasn't expecting it, but i did have a great day today. hahahaha. in spite of the busyness of this week (grades are due on fri!! rawr!), i find that i'm not *too* stressed out XP thanx to my being able to catch up on zzz's hehehe :)

i'm certainly going to need the energy, if only to keep up with em.. hehehe XP i wonder what i did right tonight, for you to send me that message.. *smile* hahaha. i must really be getting good at this.. :)

out of the labyrinth

happy mandaluyong day!

i never thought the occasion would prove significant to me at any point in my life.. but it has. today, it damned well proved *very* significant. sheesh.

i am feeling a mix of gratefulness, frustration, disappointment and surrealism. at the moment, there simply are not enough words. not enough words at all.

the universe is mocking me. definitely mocking me. damn. it's weird how i remembered *that* particular place. wow. talk about selective memory..

everything's massive

somebody gave us this super-jumbo siopao today. hahahaha. see how big it is?! it's almost as big as our dinner plate. sheesh. i'm not a siopao fan.. but i am wild about weird stuff. and this counts as weird.. if only for its super-size, haha XP

what can i say? this day is full of "massive" stuff. everything seems to have been blown out of proportion. from community issues/concerns to family spats (guess what?! meron pa palang mga matatandang naliligaw sa mall. i'm not kidding) to my own frustrations at being invisible. hmm. this truly is a "gigantic" day *sigh*

i was able to catch bo sanchez' kerygma talk at abc 5 this morning.. and his message was timely, so it really stuck to my head like some kind of mantra: massive action. apparently, that's what is needed to effect true and lasting change. well, i learned quite a few things, listening to his talk.

i don't know whether i ought to be hopeful or not.. *sigh*

MiSS sunshine-y rain

i served at the MSS whole day today. for some reason, i was perky/hyper although honestly, i wasn't feeling happy at all. weird. i guess this is my new way of channeling my frustrations and disappointments - smiling.

oh well. at least my pictures look good enough. hahahaha XP

bunniezzz..

tiring day. ha. well, what else is new, right? XP i was supposed to be with the rest at manila hotel today. but i was just too tired to join. besides, i had a meeting this afternoon.. so no go :(

went to cousin almi's place with dad to pick up my mom after i left school. sheesh. i was so tired i fell asleep on the sofa, haha!

i want my little grey fluffy bunny.. waahhhh! (not descartes!!) XP

7 is a lucky number

who said math has no application in life, whatsoever?! hahahaha.. XP

i watched 7 pounds at gateway tonight. i guess its original appeal to me is its (mathematical sounding) title, bwahahaha. but i became really interested to watch it when i was listening to a couple of dj's the other day. they were talking about the movie.. raving about how it's a shoo-in for an oscar nomination. i was intrigued because they mentioned that 7 pounds was a nontraditional type of movie - with the story unfolding in a nonlinear fashion. heck, they couldn't even mention what the movie was about! so yeah, naturally i became curious.. and i knew i just had to watch it XP

i wasn't disappointed XD

wow. if only for that fact, i *really* have to thank the writer and director of that movie. they totally salvaged my week, hahahaha XP wanna watch it with me..? *grin*

back into twilight

"i had no right to want you — but i reached out and took you anyway.."

actually, the quote isn't from 'twilight' but from 'eclipse.' it's the one line that's stuck in my head ever since i read the series.

there's something about those words that goes beyond selfishness. somehow, each time i read that line, i get scared. it sounds.. sinister. and inevitable.

* * *

i am a competitive person. but not overtly. the pressure i put on myself, i don't show to others. i do think, though, that i was born with this tendency to compare myself with others.. and to strive to be better than them. of course, that rarely ever happens.. so yeah, i am one of the most disappointed (disappointing?) creatures on the face of this planet.

for a regular person, it's hard to realize that no matter how hard he tries, he just can't win. for me, it's 10x as difficult. i always fight hard in my battles.. but one, in particular, i fight to the death. so what happens now.. now that i realize i just *might* end up losing this one?

i managed to move heaven and earth. literally. and that's not an empty boast. i should have won, hands down. so why am i losing..?

maybe because no one can be backed up by both heaven and earth. and in my eagerness to win.. i pled to both. i couldn't choose. so i ended up bleeding.

but i'm not defeated. not yet. i continue the fight. to death.. and beyond. my ghost will always remain to haunt you, i'll make sure of that..

love is the answer..

.. yeah, but what is the question?!

i was chatting with wox-to-be (w2b for short) last night when i read that ym stat msg. so i asked her the same.. and suggested this:

Q: what sucks?
A: love

o di ba? "love" is the answer!!! hahahaha!!

anyway. the said song (what else?! "love is the answer, natch) does hold a place in my heart. it's one of those "memorable" songs.. though the memory it brings isn't exactly a happy one. hahaha. it's just weird how my mind retains a lot of useless information. i guess my brain's just wired that way..

i'm trying to empower myself these days. i've started by setting up some (easy) goals. i'm not sure if i can meet these.. but i sure as hell am going to try..
* i will sleep early (before 11pm) starting this week
* i am going to save up for a new phone or some other gadget
* i will go to greenhills to shop - kahit window shopping lang
* i am going to ask for a well-deserved favor in the coming weeks

hahaha. good luck to me XP i just wish you'd stop breaking promises and actually do what you say you will. *that* would be empowering..

an applicable name

hahaha. sorry, grimace.. i couldn't answer that.

according to my friend wikipedia:
Humans can adopt a facial expression as a voluntary action. However, because expressions are closely tied to emotion, they are more often involuntary. It can be nearly impossible to avoid expressions for certain emotions, even when it would be strongly desirable to do so; a person who is trying to avoid insult to an individual he or she finds highly unattractive might nevertheless show a brief expression of disgust before being able to reassume a neutral expression. The close link between emotion and expression can also work in the other direction; it has been observed that voluntarily assuming an expression can actually cause the associated emotion.

i should be making a list today.. a list of + and - ; and i ought to be weighing things, though not in a mathematical way. i should be happy - sort of. but i'm not. and i know exactly why. there are way too many - to count; but somehow.. *sigh* somehow i manage to lump them up into pairs that form +.. even though i know i shouldn't.

damn. it's overly weird when a hopeless pessimist creates (deadly) silver linings.

right now, my brain is filled with songs in foreign languages.. talakitok.. peanut butter and choco chip cookies.. mouth-watering scenes and (a dead) golden retriever. it's enough to drive me deeper into insanity. can you believe that in spite of all this.. there's still going to be a next time..? *sigh*

the second.. wait.. the nth time around

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

- daughtry

i don't know why i can't seem to learn my lessons right. i mean.. i *do* listen. i know the theoretical part. i am able to psych myself up.. to a certain degree. but when the final test comes.. i flunk. again and again and again. sheesh. this is beyond disappointing. there are no words to describe it..

like i said the other day, sanayan lang naman ito. the first disappointment always hurts the most. but afterwards, you get used to it. matapos mong bumagsak nang paulit-ulit, matututunan mo ring matuwa sa 3.0 na marka 'di ba? tatalon ka pa sa tuwa. ganyan nagiging mababaw ang kaligayahan ng isang tao..

i guess that's why i'm not so affected anymore. after all, learning to anticipate (or even expect) disappointment is an effective way to numb pain..