lost and found

a surprisingly nice kelly clarkson song. i'm not very fond of "happy" or upbeat tunes; but i'll make an exception for this one. i like the words. and at this moment.. it's exactly the song for me :)

you found me
(kelly clarkson)

is this a dream? if it is please don't wake me from this high. i've become comfortably numb until you opened up my eyes to what it's like when everything's right. i can't believe..

you found me when no one else was lookin'. how did you know just where i would be? yeah, you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs.. and you still didn't leave. i guess that you saw what nobody could see. you found me. you found me.

so, here we are.. that's pretty far when you think of where we've been. no going back, i'm fading out. all that has faded me within, you're by my side. now everything's fine. i can't believe..

you found me when no one else was lookin'. how did you know just where i would be? yeah, you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs.. and you still didn't leave. i guess that you saw what nobody could see. you found me. you found me.

and i was hiding 'til you came along and showed me where I belong. you found me when no one else was lookin'. how did you know? how did you know?

you found me when no one else was lookin'. how did you know just where i would be? yeah, you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs.. and you still didn't leave. i guess that you saw what nobody could see. you found me (you found me when no one else was lookin'). you found me (how did you know just where i would be?) you broke through all of my confusion, the ups and the downs.. and you still didn't leave. i guess that you saw what nobody could see - the good and the bad and the things in between. you found me. you found me

one other that makes me go "hmm.."

this from the oliver! soundtrack. hahaha. gotta love the lyrics.. :p

as long as he needs me... oh, yes, he does need me... in spite of what you see... i'm sure that he needs me.

who else would love him still when they've been used so ill? he knows ialways will... as long as he needs me.

i miss him so much when he is gone, but when he's near me i don't let on... the way i feel inside.
the love i have to hide... the hell! i've gone my pride as long as he needs me.

he doesn't say the things he should. he acts the way he thinks he should. but all the same, i'll play
this game his way.

as long as he needs me... i know where i must be. i'll cling on steadfastly... as long as he needs me.

as long as life is long... i'll love him right or wrong, and somehow, i'll be strong... as long as he needs me.

if you are lonely then you will know... when someone needs you, you love them so.

i won't betray his trust... though people say i must. i've got to stay true, just as long as he needs me.

hair-pulling news only from the RP

i rarely watch the news. and i rarely tune in to the local channels. usually, i just watch cartoons (nicktoons!!), tv series (grey's! house! csi!) and discovery channel (go mythbusters!). this morning, though, cousin doms texted me and told me to listen to the news. out of curiosity, i did. and i suddenly remembered why i purposely avoid watching the local news.

a busload of kids were supposed to go on a field trip to tagaytay. but instead, their school's benefactor decided to take them hostage because (can you believe this?!) he wanted to say his piece against corruption in government, particularly in the misuse of funds for education. this guy (ducat) decried the grandstanding of politicians.. and said other stuff that normally would make sense. if only it didn't come from somebody who was holding a grenade and who was armed with several machine guns.. while in a bus full of innocent kids.

but the crazy story does not end here. you know what's more hilarious? it's the hostage-taker's family crying on tv.. telling everybody that they were "hurt" because people were calling their father insane. DUH!??! people.. the man just took a busload of kids hostage! it doesn't matter if he claims he never intended to harm them. he had ammunition in that bus! with innocent kids! how dare you complain about being "hurt" that we call your father crazy. what the f*** do you expect us to do? congratulate him on being a "humanitarian"?!?! if that's the case, then insanity certainly runs in your family.

even crazier are the politicians who come to the defense of ducat. i could not believe it when bong revilla told the media that ducat had valid concerns that he wanted to air.. that he knew the man to be kind, blah blah blah. YEAH RIGHT.

what the hell is going on in this country?! this ducat person already took hostages last 1988 (two priests?!).. because he wanted the public to know of the alleged corruption in his church! yet he's here.. scot free.. taking hostages again. and people are still debating on whether he should be punished or not. "the kids were not harmed anyway.." "ducat is a good person.." "everybody knows the issues he's raising are valid.." "the children loved him.. they even kissed him on the cheek as they left the bus.." "we're not going to press charges.. ducat is a kind man.." "it's the government's fault.." and on and on goes the unbelievable statements from various interviewees. how hilarious is this?!!?!?!?

apparently, this country is not going to the dogs. it's already been eaten up and sh*tted out. grr.

secret worlds

true. how true. from the master story-teller himself :)

everybody has secret worlds inside them. it's just that not everyone acknowledges that fact. i know i have lots of secret worlds inside me. lots of places of refuge. lots of "inner selves" to interact with. hahaha.

this is fun. i'll soon be off to la-la-land :) maybe i'll even add more secret worlds to the ones i already have..

feeling bubbly

just got home from choir practice. whew! this sure was one hell of a busy day! i started out by giving an exam to my geom class (tsk tsk.. poor kids seemed to have a difficult time with it). then i signed clearance forms for my advisees and senior students. i barely had the chance to set up my laptop to finish the geometry periodic test and compute 4th quarter grades (for seniors).. and when i looked at the clock, it was already past 4pm!

i had the test questions mimeographed then headed home. as soon as i arrived, i recorded the song boss ran requested.. ate a quick meal.. then it was off to choir prax. i had my laptop, organizer, test questions, grading sheets and other paraphernalia in tow. hahahaha.

all throughout the prax session, i was busy with schoolwork and other stuff. thankfully, i was able to finish the math10 grades (yahooooo!!) so that was a great load off my shoulders.

so it's been a productive day. and it's past 11pm and i'm still so wide awake. haha. oh well. another round of bookworm adventures just might put me to sleep :p unless something (or someone) else does.. :)

tepid

tepid (adj): exhibiting little passion or eagerness

hmm. that said, today i am tepid. no eagerness for anything at all.

must be because of the hectic sked? haha. i dunno. but for starters, here are some entries in my to do list:

* finalize grades in math 10

* finish making removal exam in math 10

* finish making periodic test in geometry

* print long exam in geometry

* "kilos at gawi" forms for homeroom

* student teacher evaluation for maths 8g and 10

* geometry syllabus revision (with objectives)

* layout newsletter and follow-up articles

* organize song/recording archives

* update song list and lyrics

* clean up closet and room

* organize files, books and knick-knacks

* go to bank for passbook update

* get new GSIS e-card

* get new UP ID

* prepare summer lessons

bwahahaha. good luck to me. with all the activity lined up for me in the coming weeks, it's no surprise that i'm so lukewarm to everything.

well, *most* everything, i mean. (sigh)

magykal eskeyp

whenever i find myself thinking too much, i do something quite unexpected of someone who's been on the planet for more than 3 decades. i read children's books :p

alternatively, i watch cartoons or read comics. or play with kids. basically, i just do kidstuff. it's relaxing, in a way. it feels good to just drop everything that's bugging me.. and actively remembering how it is to be a kid again. yes, it is an escape. yes it is temporary. and yes, my problems and other "nagging stuff" will still be there afterwards. but for a brief moment, i am fine. and i get an addiitonal boost of energy.

today i started on this septimus heap book; and so far i'm happy with it. reads better than harry potter when i first started.. and the plot is good :) hahaha. at one point, i caught myself thinking, "if i had a kid, it would be nice to have him/her read this with me.." :p wahahahaha..

oh no. i *do not* want kids of my own. at least, not *yet* :p nyahahahaha.

gotta end this blogpost here before my mind goes off on all sorts of tangents..

project 2007

hmm. did i mention my project for 2007? i don't remember posting anything about it here. anyway.. it's like this. i'm a sucker for quotes - whether they're taken from songs, books or text messages :p so i figured i'd write down *one quote per day* in my starbucks planner. just to make sure i write down the memorable/meaningful ones while spicing up my planner at the same time.

so far, i'm doing quite well. i have a quote for every day of 2007 (until today). they're mostly love quotes taken from texts (courtesy of sam and riz), grey's anatomy, sandman comics and paulo coelho books hahaha :p

and well.. if you're reading this entry and have a quote to share.. do leave a comment, ok? it will help me do my project this year, hahaha :)

i need to give out a BIG hug :)

smiling for no reason? hmm. not really. i'm just happy today. tired but happy ü and boy, am i relieved to be out of that gloomy mood i was in since yesterday, haha ü

mom's birthday is coming up. i haven't even gotten her anything yet. sheesh. this is so embarrassing. hmm. maybe i can go out tomorrow and find something nice for her.

i've been so busy lately that i haven't found much time for anything except work and sleep, haha. choir work's kinda light - and the stuff i'm able to do during practice relaxes me (not the singing, though - my throat still feels scratchy. hmp. must be the weather)

oh well. it's been a good, long day. i'm ready to turn in now. hope tomorrow brings more smiles.. ü if only i can give away these hugs.. hahaha :p

why not..?

you'd think that after more than 3 decades on this planet, i'd have some direction in life. unfortunately, it seems that maturity does not always come with age.

i wish life came with some kind of manual. you know.. a big fat book that tells you everything you needed to know about living. practical stuff. things like..
* how to have a good social life
* how to make friends (and keep them)
* how to earn huge amounts of money without working yourself to death
* how to be the perfect child/soulmate/partner to the parent/soulmate/partner given to you
* how to please others and yourself at the same time
* how to be happy without losing your sanity
* how to determine whether you've already lost your sanity
* how to get back to being sane when you've already lost your mind
* how to know what you want
* how to get what you want in life
* how to not be frustrated when you don't get what you want in life
* how to live well
* how to die well

but as far as i know, there's no such manual. the bible is as close as i can get to having one. and i honestly haven't figured out all the stuff that's written for me there. only bits and pieces. and i come by them way too seldom.

*sigh* i guess this is just one of those days when i want to throw in the towel. to just lie down and sleep.. for ages, if necessary. only to wake up when i'm not so bruised and hurting anymore. or maybe not at all.

all torn in pieces

for you alone
claire cloninger

how can i look at the scene of the cross and not be changed by the love in your face? how can i look at the nails in your hands and not be moved by the price that you paid?

how can my eyes see the road that you walked and turn my back and just go on my way? i see you now, oh my lord and my god, and i am faced with a choice that i must make.

i choose to live for you alone. to make your cross my only glory.. and your grace my only hope. to yield my will and to make my heart your throne. i choose to live this life you give for you alone.

how can i look at the grave where they laid you and not shed tears for my lord and my friend? how can i stand with the ones that you love and have courage to hope it's not the end?

but now the sky is ablaze with new light. the stone's rolled back and the dawn's broken through. you're with me now, oh my lord and my god, and i will lift up my life, my all to you.

i choose to live for you alone. to make your cross my only glory.. and your grace my only hope. to yield my will and to make my heart your throne. i choose to live this life you give for you alone.

* * *

we're going to learn this song (taken from "my utmost for his highest" musical) for the upcoming lenten recollection (04 april 2007). i loved this song when i first heard it some years back. claire cloninger certainly comes up with the most inspired melodies and lyrics.

i'm re-reading the words of the song now.. and for me, it really is more of a prayer than anything else. the way things are with me lately, though.. reading it brings a twinge of sadness too. it's like finding an old entry in your diary.. and realizing that the person who wrote it is so different from the one reading it now.

i wonder what lent has in store for me this year..

nyahahahaha

i like this strip.. :p

if the roles were reversed...

wellllllll..

lemme see.. today was weird. woke up feeling *really* tired. probably due to sleep deprivation the past couple of days hahaha. went to school to administer the math periodic test to my senior class. hmm. they didn't seem to have a very hard time answering the questions (i browsed through their answers and it looks like they were able to solve quite a bit. wishful thinking..?! :p)

met with alexis afterwards.. then proceeded to a meeting. and it's weird 'coz time just seems to zip by! there's still sooooooo much to do yet there's so little time! *sigh* but at least i'm able to do something. i just hope i finish all the stuff i have to do..

tired and hungry now. hmmmm. i wonder when i'll finish this newsletter layout thingy..?

my mind's doing its wandering again, tsk tsk :p

even in games..?!? tsk, tsk..

HA! today i can finally get some decent sleep. i was able to finish bookworm adventure deluxe (hahaha.. got through all three "books" without breaking into a sweat nyahaha). so i won't have to stay up in front of my pc 'til 1am.. battling monsters and evil librarians hahaha.

given the extremely hectic schedule i have nowadays.. and all the other stuff that's going on.. i find it unbelievable that i still have time for this..

book covers get me

this month seems to be "book month" for me haha. i can't remember a time when i've had this much longing to go book-hunting (except for last year when i'd go searching for any sandman graphic novel available :p)

anyway, i usually get drawn to books with intriguing covers, interesting titles or weird plots, haha. well, i ran into this one last time i was in fully booked. the picture fit my mood perfectly (don't ask me what my mood has to do with two hands holding an apple - i wouldn't know, either :p).. but i didn't buy the book 'coz it wasn't "weird" enough for my taste, nyahaha.

now, though, i find myself wondering whether i should go back to it.. if only to satisfy my curiosity a bit. hmp. it's weird how something i don't really need.. something i don't even like all that much.. could catch my attention and bug my thoughts so.

uhmm. 'nuff said for now.

hellish

aaaauuuuugggggghhhhhh!!!!! this heat is soooooo unbearable!! sheesh.

if this is just a prelude to this coming summer, well then.. i don't know how the hell i'm ever gonna find the willpower to get out of this airconditioned room. *sigh*

hmm. maybe this is a good time to read dante's inferno, wahahaha. certainly feels like i'm in one of them circles.. :p

through the fire

“Your path’s unbeaten, and it's all up-hill. And you can meet it, but you never will. And I’m the reason that you're standing still.” “The cries around you, you don't hear at all. ‘Cause you know I’m here to take that call. So you just lie there when you should be standing tall.” (“Standing in the Way” by Joss Whedon)

friend alexis wrote a nice article about dante's purgattorio (and related it to buffy.. of all things!) and posted it in her LJ blog ü hahaha. way to go alexis! i wish i could write something analytical too. it's been a while since i've written anything worthwhile. hmmm. if i were to write a paper/essay, i wonder what my topic would be..? any ideas, people? leave a comment, please.. i mean it.. :p

words of wisdom and FOJ: so far so good..?

"but sometimes, you find you've been fighting for the wrong side.. and your pride gets in the way of changing direction." - words of wisdom from dee :)

this day started out nicely. after more than a decade, i got to re-establish ties with dee ü and it's funny.. just when i told myself i'm gonna shy away from people.. that's when i get this pleasant surprise - a new "mirror-person" hahaha.

oh well. i'm not one to turn away from blessings ü

* * *

friend alexis and i were puzzled by a word problem today. something to do with an orange juice mixture hahaha. we were able to solve it.. but the answer in the book was different.. and that confused us. now, we're not really sure whether we made a mistake.. or there was a typo error in the book. anyway, here's the problem:

you are given 10 liters of a 15% orange juice mixture. but you want to have a more concentrated mixture. how many liters of the original mixture should you replace with orange concentrate so that you'll end up with 10 liters of juice that's 30% pure?

the answer we got was 1.5 liters; but the book says 1.76 liters (which sounds right to me). we just don't know how to get the answer written there.. and we ran out of time thinking about that problem hahaha :p we did enjoy the coding-decoding thingy, though (maybe i'll write a post about it soon ü)

* * *

on my way home from tutoring, this song played on my mind all of a sudden. it's an old song (sung by "ang tunay na amo") that i really liked. i'm not quite sure why it popped up.. but here it is..

I'm running away from the places / And things that make me think of you / But I guess there's just no letting go / Of this feeling I ache inside / Running away, I've been trying / So hard to keep away from you / Now forgetting you is all I have to do / That's why I'm runnin'away from you

The times that we've been through / Were always on my mind / I never thought that there will be an end / Oh how I wish that this was all a dream / It did hurt in me inside all over again

* * *

i'm getting ready to go to megamall for the prayer meeting. as i sit in front of the pc, i was able to do the following:
* download the draft of the geometry long exam from ST marisse
* upload the practice songs from friend hilda's recorder
* check my email
* update my blog
* play mystery case files (prime suspects)
* look for some songs via limewire
* print out tonight's lineup

hmm. typical semi-productive time spent online, hahaha :p

so far so good. i just hope i can keep this up.. *fingers crossed*

million dollar question

i included this in our church's newsletter this week. i think it's a really nice article. 'nuff said. just read on..

When will I stop hurting?
By Bob Perks

"I lost a loved one nearly a year ago. When will I stop hurting?"

The question was simple but difficult to answer. She was challenging me. I wanted to help her, but I knew that only she could answer that question.

Whenever someone writes to tell me about a death, I always talk about the difficult months ahead. I refer to it as a "Year of Firsts." The first holiday, birthday, anniversary, summer picnic or other personal event without that loved one.

Then there are those little things you never really paid attention to before, but now find a gaping hole right in the middle of your day. Like the time they woke up each morning, how they had their coffee, the sound the door made around dinner time when they arrived home and the way they said "hello."

But there was something about this message today that made me stop and really think about what I needed to say. Oddly, I decided that the pain she was feeling was a good thing, but I wasn't sure she wanted to know that.

Here is exactly what I wrote to her: When will you stop hurting? That is a measure of the love you shared and how does one measure love? By remembering them long after they are gone. "Memories" are the shadows of a life well lived that remain long after the light of their being has gone out. May you never forget. "Pain" is the echo of remembering those special moments when all the world belonged to the both of you. The day will come when the pain of remembering turns into understanding the privilege of ever having them in your life at all. Remembering will be a joy. Although the pain is great at times you are reminded still, how very much you loved and were loved.

May the rest of your life be a reflection of that love and when your time comes may your passing cast long shadows for all who loved you, too.

no link at all (this post has no decent ending)

this is friend malou's bear. took a picture of it last week, hehehe :p i'm a sucker for stuffed toys. especially cute bears (i prefer the "rounded" ones - they look fat and cuddly).. and ones that are all dressed up like this one, hahaha.

this post has *absolutely nothing* to do with malou's bear, though. just as my actions do not seem to have anything at all to do with what's on my mind, wahahaha.

it's monday night. and as usual, i'm finishing the layout for the newsletter. my thoughts are a million miles away, though. well, uhm, not *quite* a million miles away. just several miles away in the direction of _____________. wahahahaha.

being an only child has some advantages. one of which is that you get used to being all by yourself. you learn to cherish solitude and privacy. for some time, i've been going out of my way to build ties with other people. after more than two decades, i thought it would be nice to take a risk and make friends again. so i did.. and i was glad.

recently, though.. i remembered some of the reasons why i shied away from others. (oh, it's not about *them* really - my friends are great - but some things just can't be helped) and these reasons, in part, helped me to make an important decision.

the thing about me is.. i don't have much gray areas. it's mostly just black or white for me. i'm either really happy or really sad. when i'm into something, i'm really, really into it (like reading, writing, singing). but when i'm not enthusiastic about an activity, i usually don't even try it at all. when i like somebody, that person is on my mind 24/7 - and i'd really go out of my way to do special stuff for him/her. that's especially true about my friends. for my non-friends, however, i come across as cold or unfeeling. probably 'coz they feel i don't have much thought for others.

and when i love someone, that person rules my world.. no, my universe. everything.. everyone.. is tied up with that someone. every thought, every action, every place i go to.. always carries with it a fragment of that person.

which means this: getting rid of that someone would mean doing things i normally *would not* do. thinking thoughts i normally *would not* think. going away from everything and everyone who reminds me of that person. it means withdrawing to a place deep, deep inside. a place where there's just me. and that somebody. actively getting rid of a portion of me i'm not even sure i'd like to part with.

i'm missing a screw

i'm soooooo frustrated right now. all i need is one screw. one measly screw to get to the next level. and i'm stuck. i've tried most everything to get it. despite my best efforts, though.. it eludes me. darnit.

it sucks when therapy lets you down. sheesh.

perfect timing

friend alexis made this design for me - guess she's still excited 'coz she *finally* got her own starbucks tumbler, hehehe :)

thanks sooooo much alexis. i love what you did. wish i had your artistic talent, though.. *sigh* anyway, this came with such perfect timing. thanx for the cheer-upper :)

oh.. and if only you thought of your algebra the way you design these things.. i'm sure you'd be on top of your class, hahahaha! :) see ya!

(not so) hidden in the numbers

well. what can i say? how i wish reason always had the upper hand, and not emotions.
it's just sad that in the midst of all logic and reason.. the heart always appears.. even when you don't want it to..

not just 11 minutes

i started reading paulo coelho's "eleven minutes" last night; and, as with any other really interesting book, i could not put it down. what grips you isn't the sensuality of it.. or the bold way it talks about sex and prostitution. what gets to you is the sense of fragility.. vulnerability of the main character. and you get lots of other stuff as well. you read about strength, determination, confusion, pride, and yes, even dignity.. in a character who's surprisingly endearing.

among coelho's books, i find this one to be the most believable.. and the one that strikes closest to home. reading it made me believe, if only for a moment, that there is so much more than just 11 minutes..

* * *

"When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds."

"Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle."

"Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with."

"I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side."

"The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility. Anyway, if my love is real (and not just a way of distracting myself, deceiving myself, and passing the time that never seems to pass in this city), freedom will conquer jealousy and any pain it causes me, since pain is also part of the natural process. Anyone who practices sport know of this: if you want to achieve your objectives, you have to be prepared for a daily dose of pain or discomfort. At first, it's unpleasant and de motivating, but in time you'll come to realize that it's part of the process of feeling good, and the moment arrives when, if you don't feel pain, you have a sense that the exercises aren't having the desired effect."

"That's why I'm telling you: don't get used to it [pain], because it's very easy to become habituated; it's a very powerful drug. It's in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it's seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it, we human being always find a way of being with pain, of flirting with it and making it part of our lives."

music & lyrics

it's been a while since i've posted an article i've written for our newsletter here. well, here's one that i wrote for this week. i have to admit, it's getting so much harder for me to write *anything* these days. this one took me almost two hours to finish. i may not be that happy with it.. but i hope it serves its purpose, somewhat. and i hope that one of these days i'd be able to write SFTH again..

* * *

“songs remain. they last. the right song can turn an emperor into a laughingstock, can bring down dynasties. a song can last long after the events and the people in it are dust and dreams are gone.” -neil gaiman, (anansi boys)

“talaga, math ang tinuturo mo?!?” hmm. that’s usually the unbelieving response i get from those who find out for the first time that, indeed, i am a math teacher. most people assume i’m either (1) a music student - ‘coz i am usually tasked to bring the clearbook with piano pieces; or (2) an english major - ‘coz you’d always find my nose stuck in a book; and ‘coz i am most comfortable conversing in english.

i guess my love for music and language just shines through naturally. i’m a sucker for songs with great lyrics (quotable quotes galore!).. my room is cluttered with books and CDs.. and you can rarely drag me anywhere without a thick novel or my trusty mp3 player.

i have a passion for music and words. they help me get through the toughest days. they allow me to express my deepest thoughts and feelings. and more importantly, it is through singing in the choir and writing in the newsletter that i am able to serve the Lord - hopefully ministering to others and touching hearts in the process ü

but let me tell you something: i’m *not* an extraordinary reader/writer; and i’m *not* a great singer/musician. i just happen to be a math geek who loves music and books. i get writer’s block and fumble for the right words to say. my voice is not “solo” material (for which i am sort of grateful, hahaha) and the last time i played the piano was during my recital more than a decade ago. i am *not* the best singer/writer; but i *do my best* in my service. why? because i love what i do. and because i love the One to whom i offer my talents ü

it is often said that we ought to “do small things with great love.” and to that, i say AMEN! ü in the end, i believe what matters most isn’t really how flawlessly i am able to sing or write.. but how much love, how much passion i put into it.

how much passion do we have for the Lord? how easily can people identify us as Christians? are we as enthusiastic when we talk about God as we are when we talk about our other interests?

all of us have felt God’s loving presence in our lives. we each have our own stories that witness to His goodness and faithfulness. He has blessed us with the capability to express our love and gratitude. He also provided a venue for us to serve Him and minister to others through this community. so express your love for God! ü join a ministry.. worship enthusiastically.. share your inspiring stories.. encourage others.. and do everything with love!

because we are God’s song. and others will hear His music.. His words.. through us. the love we pour into our service will radiate to those we minister to. and it will last.. long after we “are dust and dreams are gone.”

offer up your “five loaves and two fish” brothers and sisters! in His hands, it will bless more lives than you can ever imagine ü

cracks on the wall

it's been a bloody interesting day, hahahaha.. (pun intended).

i spent practically the whole day at the doctor's clinic and at the medical laboratory. i had a KUB ultrasound (waited there for *hours* on end with my dad).. but the results were all negative. except for a slight inflammation of my right kidney. hmm.

well, what can i say? it's like some sort of "mini miracle" today. and i was the recipient again. and you know what?! there's a feeling of relief.. yet there's also doubt and skepticism. sheesh. what the hell is wrong with me?!?

anyway, i got home feeling exhausted from the day's adventure. and i also had a throbbing headache from.. well, from i don't know where. i tried sleeping it off in the afternoon, but it wouldn't go away. what's weird is that as i was drifting off to sleep, i went into this dream.. which didn't feel so much like a dream as a place of "in betweens." i heard voices talking about me - about how what happened today was supposed to bring about something important.. a major change in me. (i could only see their shadows - as if we were separated by a length of sheer fabric) they said other things.. and i felt like they were conversing for my benefit. i didn't like what they were saying, though. but i could glimpse a future i really wanted (but dared not hope for) right there as they spoke. the message was quite clear: i *would* get it.. it's already been prepared and ready for me.. but i *have* to let go of something first. then the figures turned to me.. and i knew they knew i was listening. and waiting for my response. and i was afraid. not of them.. but of making any choice. so i left that place.. and let myself drift off to dreamland.

and i wanted to forget that encounter upon waking. and i wanted to just replace the memory of it with the good dreams i had afterwards. but i woke up (still with that darned headache).. and i still remember it. and i'm still scared. though i ought to be really grateful.

darnit. what the hell is wrong with me?!

would that i could, hahaha

found this poem at a website today. hahaha. it just made me laugh.. though it's *not* true in my case. i don't take pills - i have the belief that they tend to do more harm than good. still, i found this really funny :p

i wonder if i'd feel the same way when i get a lot older, hahahaha.

The Pills I Take

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, so big and bright,
Stop my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I'd really like to know...
Is what tells each one where to go.

fragile

"it occurs to me that the peculiarity of most things we think of as fragile is how tough they truly are. there were tricks we did with eggs, as children, to show how they were, in reality, tiny load-bearing marble halls; while the beat of the wings of a butterfly in the right place, we are told, can create a hurricane across an ocean. hearts may break, but hearts are the toughest of muscles, able to pump for a lifetime, seventy times a minute, and scarecely falter along the way. even dreams, the most delicate and intangible of things, can prove remarkably difficult to kill.."

a neil gaiman quote - from the introduction to 'fragile things'.. the main thing that's keeping me sane nowadays (after i managed to finish the mystery case file game, ravenhearst tonight). i love this book! the short stories are weird.. and soooooo suited to me.

so i'm fragile. and tough, i hope. oh well. time will tell..

in the mood for mystery

i have a new therapy for relaxation right now, thanx to friend lester :) i downloaded mystery case files (prime suspects & ravenhearst) and i'm currently enjoying the game hahaha.

which is just as well.. 'coz it's good to at least be able to do *something* even though you're sick and feeling crappy.

me_v2.14

last night was weird - full of disturbingly wonderful dreams. darnit.

tried my hand at that zwinky thing this morning. this is what i came up with. bwahaha. demented to the nth degree. oh well..

someday

i don't normally listen to nina.. but friends poc & meshi introduced the song to me.. and i happened to love the lyrics. hmm. what can i say? i'm a sucker for lyrics and quotes. and lately, i haven't been getting much of these from my usual sources.. so there. i'm back to songposts again.. although admittedly, this is a half-hearted songpost. *sigh* i don't even have it in me to feel 100% into *anything* right now. wahahahaha. oh well. like i mentioned more than a year ago, half is still better than none. i think. i'll be back to my usual self. i just don't know when.

someday
nina

someday you're gonna realize
one day you’ll see this through my eyes
by then i won’t even be there
i’ll be happy somewhere
even if i can’t

i know you don’t really see my worth
you think you're the last guy on earth
well i’ve got news for you
i know i’m not that strong
but it wont take long
won't take long

'coz someday
someone's gonna love me
the way i wanted you to need me
someday someone's gonna take your place
one day i’ll forget about you
you'll see
i won’t even miss you
someday.. someday

i know someone's gonna be there

right now i know you can tell i’m down
and i’m not doing well
but one day these tears, they will all run dry
i won't have to cry
sweet goodbye

'coz someday
someone's gonna love me
the way i wanted you to need me
someday someone's gonna take your place
one day i’ll forget about you
you'll see
i won’t even miss you
someday.. someday