lost in wonderland

"she keeps running into herself, hoping to find somebody else. she keeps running into herself, hoping that she'll get out of her wonderland.." - plumb in pennyless

woke up to a rainy day this morning. grey skies still have the power to make me happy. for some reason, though, i'm not all that cheery today.

after a two-week hiatus, i wrote another article for our church's newsletter last night. i wanted to write something a bit cheery.. but i don't know. it was difficult to find anything "sunshiny" inside of me. so i opted for honesty instead. and i came out with a piece that was (to me) kinda depressing. and that made me feel sadder.

i've been receiving so many blessings. not just materially, mind you.. but more specifically in terms of relationships. i have wonderful parents. i have great friends. i belong to a warm and caring ministry/church community. my problems at work are being resolved almost miraculously. a lot of people are showering me with love, care and support. heck, even my students are becoming more considerate.

i should be happy. maybe even jumping for joy.

but i'm not.

it's hard for anybody to understand; but one of the most difficult things for me is to accept good things from people. when i look at myself, i realize that i don't deserve the blessings. and it's always a source of wonder (as well as fear) for me whenever i see how fortune smiles at me.. and frowns upon others who are more deserving. it makes me feel sort of like a thief.. as if i were stealing someone else's blessings without meaning to. *sigh*

i keep running into myself.. hoping to find somebody else..
i keep running into myself.. hoping to find somebody better..
i keep running into myself.. hoping that i'll get out of my wonderland..