BOO!

it's the 31st of october. 9pm. halloween. hmm. feels much like any other night. so far, i haven't seen any monsters, ghosts or creepy creatures - real or costumed. i have not heard any devilish howling nor felt anything downright scary today. nope. this has been another one of those boring, ordinary days. haha. as simple plan sang so aptly, "welcome to my life."

anyway, i've never been one to be fascinated with ghosts and the like. some of my friends have what they call the "third eye" - they claim to sense spirits and other "earthbound" souls. thankfully, i don't have that kind of uh.. 'talent' so to speak. quite frankly, i can't imagine why anyone would call having that ability a 'gift'. it must feel really creepy. like something straight out of "sixth sense"..

i am, however, very much acquainted with fear. a lot of things scare me. some are quite trivial. like cockroaches, closed spaces and heights, to name a few (read my first few blogposts - 'the cockroach incident' and 'elevators drowning in flights').

some of my fears, though, are not-so-trivial. like losing a loved one.. not being good enough.. finding that i've become of no use to anyone.. becoming nameless/faceless.. or never having anyone to lean on or to keep me company. these are my 'ghosts.' and they haunt me day in, day out - not just on halloween.

and these are also the reasons why today, i can smile a bit more.. albeit sarcastically. halloween ghosts?! ha! and who's afraid of those scary-looking monsters?! i know i'm not! hahaha. i'd happily exchange my ghosts for a year-long halloween celebration with those fake ghouls and zombies.

trick? or treat?

trick and treat

i never really understood this halloween thing. i mean, what's so fun about an occasion where people dress silly and scare each other? and what does "trick or treat" really mean? i don't get it. i really don't.

as if life itself isn't scary enough. imagine waking up one day to a living nightmare. you lost your partner. you lost your friend. you feel all alone and you don't know what to do. would you be going around your neighborhood dressed like some ghoul saying, "hey, my life's a real big mess right now. care to give me some candy?" duh?!?

hmm. but then again, maybe that's why sometimes i still feel crappy. haven't practiced enough "halloween spirit" when i was younger. maybe that's why i'm not used to living in a nightmare. haha. oh well.

"happy halloween" to all you poor unfortunate souls.. bwahahaha.. >:D

a prayer in a song..

i was browsing through some of my friends' blogs just now. i came across these song lyrics from dennis' friendster blog. i'm not very familiar with the song.. but i really love the words. i find them so comforting.. i could actually pray these lines Ü i'm posting this here to share with all of you Ü

BREAK ME (Gary Valenciano)

No words are left now to be spoken
When all my promises are broken
And all excuses I have used in justifying
My actions moved me so much closer to the fire
But now I know, seems I've lost my soul

Make me and take me
Can you find me in this world I've chosen
And never let me go
Hold me and mold me
And if there's no other way to make me whole
Then go ahead and break me,
Then remake me
Holding on, I wont give up
'Coz I know You wont give up on me

Grown weary of my ways pretending
Showing I'm okay when I'm hurting
But now I know, time to find my soul

Make me and take me
Can you find me in this world I've chosen
And never let me go
Hold me and mold me
And if there's no other way to make me whole

I've been too proud and now I don't know where to go
And like the son who came back home
I'm giving You my life
My mind, my heart my soul
I'm trusting You enough to break me
Fit to make me whole

Can You find me in this world I'm lost in
And never let me go
Hold me and mold me
And if there's no other way to make me whole
Go ahead and break me,
Gently remake me
Holding on, I won't give up
'Coz I know You won't give up
You're never giving up on me

linkages

seems like my saturdays are days for me to "re-link" with my friends Ü spent the entire day yesterday with other people. haha. this used to be so unusual for me. 28+ years B.H. (before heartbreak), my saturdays were spent (a) watching TV; (b) lazing around in the house; (c) studying for exams (thank goodness i've graduated!!); (d) preparing lessons for the next week (ok, so i still do this.. *sometimes* hehe); or (e) doing absolutely nothing while staying home :p

anyway, for the past weeks, i've been seeing more and more of my friends. not just my current pals.. but also, those whom i have not seen for quite some time already. yesterday, i met up with my old high school chum, miam. hehe. spent a couple of hours with her at gateway.. catching up on a couple years' worth of news - chatting about our jobs, lovelives (well, my currently and regretfully nonexistent one, that is) and other stuff. it was nice to hook up with her again Ü

afterwards, i went along with my mom and dad to the sy's (our close family friends) new place. had dinner there too.. yum! :) they had other friends over.. and it was fun to spend time with them as well. i mean, sure, they were about a generation older than me.. but it didn't matter. they were really ok to be with.. and the conversations were interesting, to say the least :p

i know i've realized this belatedly, but.. it's nice to spend time with other people hehe :) who knows, maybe i'll be able to do this on other days as well.. not just saturdays :p

can angels cry?

saw this picture of a crying angel while browsing through some images at google. hmm. i wonder.. do angels ever cry? or are tears reserved only for us mortals?

if angels ever do cry, then what is the price of their tears? what would it take to make them cry? i doubt if they ever get their hearts broken - their 'loved ones' (if they ever have those) do not die, they do not have spouses or partners, and they never get sick. they are intelligent, powerful and strong. plus, they live in Heaven.. ministering to God, singing His praises forever! if i were an angel, what is there to ever be sad about?

but then again, if angels never shed tears, they would have missed a lot as well. they would never know how it feels to be comforted. they would never feel the bittersweet side of love - the uncertainty and risk of giving your heart to someone who may not take care of it. they would never understand the joy of being broken and then made whole.

if we had been angels. hmm. no.. i think i'd still choose to be the mere mortal that i am.

fellow thinkers

i was browsing through some of the blogs here at blogspot. i was fortunate enough to find some that were really cool Ü

i particularly enjoyed visiting prozac E (by someone named mia - from UPLB). hey, call me biased towards UP grads like me.. but i liked her entries. they make lots of sense. original thoughts from a deep thinker. hmm. wish i knew her. she sounds like the kind of person i'd be friends with hehe Ü

then there's this blog, expectoRANTS. hehe. the entries are quite eclectic.. but all posts are fun Ü i enjoyed browsing through the short but witty essays. it's really fun to read original stuff from people who think, haha :p

geekspeak is a blog that mostly features cool new gadgets - for all those techies out there. anyway, it's interesting to visit.. if only to find out what's the latest in mp3 players, pc's and the like :p

on the other side of the spectrum, there's fr. bobby titco's blog, CRUMBS. he has daily reflections on gospel readings. some of his writings are deep.. and some are easily "digested".. but i find them all inspiring anyway Ü it's convenient to have your daily dose of inspiration just a click away, hehe.

the other links i included lead to some of my friends' blogs. like mine, they mostly include thoughts on everyday stuff Ü

hmm. i'll probably look around again later on.. perhaps i'll find other blogs of interest. and maybe get to meet fellow thinkers along the way :p

para sa 'yo ito..

oo, para sa 'yo itong blog post na ito. madaling araw na. hindi pa rin ako makatulog. kung tutuusin, ilang araw na akong ganito. ay, hindi pala. ilang linggo na pala akong ganito. hindi mapakali. hindi mapahinga. inuumaga na, 'di pa rin makatulog. hayy.

kung sa bagay, noon pa man medyo sanay talaga akong magpuyat. pero iba ang dahilan noon. CSI ang tanging pumupuyat sa akin nung mga araw na 'yon. at noon, mga text mo ang huli kong nababasa bago matulog. tinatabihan mo rin ako.. kahit sa panaginip lang. at sa pagmulat ng mata, ang matamis mong good morning na may "Ü" ang unang bumabati sa akin. masarap ang pakiramdam ng may minamahal na nagmamahal rin sa 'yo.

ngayon, tahimik ang telepono ko. nakakaya ko na ngang mabuhay nang wala 'yon e. walang hinihintay na text. dumadaan ang tatlong araw na hindi man lang nangangalahati ang laman ng "sent" folder ko. hmm. kung tutuusin, ayos lang din siguro. nakawala ako sa "tali" ng teknolohiya. hindi na ako sumusulyap sa telepono ko minu-minuto. wala na akong inaabangan. walang hinihintay o inaasahan. gaya mo rin ngayon.

pero sa totoo lang.. nakaka-miss. 'di ko man sinasadya.. paminsan-minsan, nahuhuli ko ang sarili kong sumusulyap sa celphone ko. naghahanap ng "1 message received" sa screen. nagbabakasakali.. kahit na alam kong wala naman talaga. haha. natatawa ako sa sarili ko. pero malungkot din. hayy.

inaantok ako. pero di pa rin makatulog. parang may tape recorder sa utak ko. sinasabi sa akin ng isang pamilyar na boses, "tama na 'yan.. matulog ka na. puwede naman kasing ipagpabukas ang pc.." at gaya ng dati, sinasagot ko ito ng "oo, sandali na lang.. tatapusin ko lang 'to.." pero ngayon, totoong sandali na nga lang. totoong tatapusin ko na lang ito, tapos matutulog na ako (kung makakatulog man). hmm. nakakatawa talaga ano? sinusunod ko ang boses kung kailan wala nang nagsasabi kundi ang sarili kong isip. hahaha. kakaiba nga naman talaga.

ayoko na. pagod na talaga ako. panahon na para makalimot sa mga bumabagabag na boses. tulog lang nga siguro ang katapat nito. sana, kahit sa panaginip lang, makakuha ako ng kahit kaunting tunay na kasiyahan..

and she was gone..

i found this at my friend oliver's blog. i was glad i found it 'coz i've been looking for it for quite a while. this came from one of my fave cartoons, "as told by ginger" Ü

i like the cartoon coz i sort of identify with the main character, ginger. she loves to write.. and in one of the episodes, she enters this short poem/story writing contest. she waits for inspiration that takes too long to come. and finally, when she writes her piece, she gets questioned by the school psychologist because they find her writing quite.. dark. one of the most memorable episodes for me.. hehe Ü

anyway, it's a nice poem/song.. and i thought i'd post it here for your reading pleasure Ü

And She Was Gone
She chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame.
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say, stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it
Said the story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

the price of a smile

i felt so out of sorts yesterday (obviously - if you read my previous post). i spent the entire morning and afternoon trying to combat my sadness.. trying to get rid of all the negative feelings in me. but it was useless. i didn't want to attend our prayer meeting that night. i wasn't in the mood. all i wanted to do was to sit still in one corner.. and maybe sleep. but i've learned that there are things that we need to do, even if we do not really feel like doing them. and spending time with the Lord in prayer is on top of that list of "must do's".

bro jun and sis chris vinalay were the worship leaders last night. and i can definitely say that the Lord used them mightily in leading us to a very inspired and moving worship. i really felt myself struggle in my praise last night. it was an act of will just to raise or clap my hands. i desperately hung on to every word, every line of verse that we were singing. i could feel the heaviness in my heart.. yet at the same time i was never more aware of God's insistence that i continue to praise Him. beads of sweat were forming on my brow and face.

i never realized it was so difficult to let go.. until last night, i never fully appreciated what the phrase "letting go" meant. i always thought it was all about calmly trusting God.. offering to Him the people you most cared about. or surrendering to Him your hurts and pains.. and finally being at peace with yourself. but oh, it was so much more than that!

i learned last night that before one can truly let go, one must be like jacob, who wrestled with God.. hanging on tightly, even under so much pain, until He blessed him (gen 32:24-30). to struggle with God.. and with self. to let go involved a conscious effort.. a determination to give up everything to the Lord. to be fully aware of the price of your offering. to come before Him with open eyes and heart; knowing that no matter how precious you think your offering is, He will always be infinitely more precious. letting go meant allowing yourself to be broken - into a thousand tiny pieces, if need be - because only then can you be remade, reshaped and used for His greater glory.

it was indeed a struggle to wrestle with all the distracting thoughts and emotions while worshipping. it was difficult to focus on the Lord and not on myself. but He never gave up on me. all through the worship last night, God consistently prodded me to keep going.. to keep persevering until i receive His blessing. and towards the end of the worship, He did give me what He promised. the heaviness in my heart lifted. and there was peace. but more importantly, i felt the Lord was happy Ü and that was more than enough for me.

it's ironic how God can be so pleased with my worship. i mean, i knew it took so long for me to unburden myself. i am, after all, a very stubborn person. but i suppose all those things do not matter so much to the Lord. in the end, what is important to Him is that i let go and let Him take charge. and He used my stubbornness to help me persevere in worship.

a day's worth of sorting through conflicting emotions.. struggling with negative feelings and painful memories. wrestling with doubts and fears. persevering in praise in the midst of uncertainty and hurt. these were what it took to make God smile at me. was it worth it? oh yes.. most definitely! Ü because there's no feeling in the world that can compare to having the Creator of the Universe beam down at you for doing something He guided you through in the first place Ü

unhealed

it's a bright, sunny day. no dark clouds overhead. no foreboding rainstorm. there are birds chirping and outside my window, i hear the laughter of small children. yes, it's a wonderfully cheerful sunshiny day. outside.

but today.. especially today, there's a place where the sun refuses to shine. where light cannot enter. where darkness reigns. where storms rage and thunders roar. where hopelessness and loneliness reside. where the gripping anguish is unshakeable. where reality brings suffering and sleep offers nightmares instead of escape. where each movement causes pain and immobility leads to despair. where old scars are reopened. where time refuses to heal all wounds.

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akala ko noon gumagaling na ang sugat. akala ko unti-unti na akong lumalakas. pero hindi. masakit pa rin. mahapdi.

walang mapupuntahan. walang lugar na mapagtataguan. halos lahat ng mga panaginip ay nakakabagabag. at sa miminsang pagkakataong masaya ang panaginip, bigla na lamang magigising sa katotohanang hindi na nga pala iyon ang mundong ginagalawan. sa pagtulog, nais gumising. kapag gising naman, walang gustong gawin kundi bumalik sa mga panaginip. nguni't wala sa kanilang nakapagbibigay ng kaligayahan.. ng kapayapaan ng loob.

wala ring mapapagkunan ng kahit panandaliang ginhawa. maraming mga kaibigan, may mga nagmamahal. pero sagad na ang nagawang tulong. ubos na ang mga payo. sapat na ang ginugol na panahon sa pakikinig at pakikiramay. at sawa na rin ako sa kakahinga. dahil walang makakapanggamot. walang makakahilom. wala nang makakatulong kundi ang Diyos. at ako. pero hindi Siya namamadali; kahit inip na inip na ako.

basag ang puso. pero hindi lang dahil sa kanya. maraming mga pira-pirasong bubog na tinapak-tapakan pa ng iba. at hindi ako umangal. hindi ako nanisi. hindi nagalit. kahit na sagad na ang pasakit, pinipilit pa ring ngumiti. pinipilit na magsilbi. pinipilit maging maayos. walang ibang makitang paraan. kamatayan ang naghihintay sa paglisan; at walang-hanggang pasakit ang maidudulot ng pananatili. at wala nang tutulong. walang masasandalan. walang maaaring kumalinga. wala. wala maliban sa Panginoon, na sa ngayon ay nagbibingi-bingihan sa aking mga panalangin.

gustong sumigaw nguni't matagal nang lumisan ang boses. tulad ng mga luhang ayaw nang dumaloy. tulad ng mga sugat na sa sobrang sakit ay pinili nang maging manhid. wala nang mahanap na lunas.

Panginoon, ganito ba ang pakiramdam ng isang namamatay?
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tickle tests

hehe.. took another batch of those IQ tests at tickle.com Ü it was fun.. and it sure helped to kill some time :p you might want to try them out too.. :p


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Congratulations, Kel!
Your IQ score is 138

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns.

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Kel, when it comes to psychic abilities, you have an unusually strong talent in the area of Precognition

This means you have an uncanny ability to look into the future and know ahead of time what is going to happen. You might, for instance, simply know that you're going to get that job before the interview even happens with a certainty that exceeds what you would expect to have simply knowing the facts of the situation. You might have a sense of dread before going out for the evening only to later have a flat tire on your way home. These little hunches are easy to ignore but for you especially, quite often lead to a true prediction of what is going to happen. These predictions can be used to generate positive outcomes, and the more you know about how to use your talent, the more you will be able to distinguish between fantasy of the future and an actual reality you are seeing happen, before it has actually happened.

While your strongest psychic talent is Precognition, Tickle also analyzed your psychic strengths in:

• Retrocognition: The ability to know what happened in the past.
• Clairvoyance: The ability to "see" the unknown.
• Remote viewing: The ability to see physical objects at a distance.
• Telepathy: The ability to tune into others' thoughts.

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Kel, your most unique quality is that you're unusually Intense

You're wound up and have a lot going on. Others may have trouble understanding what you're going through, but they generally find your intensity very compelling and are drawn to you. This happens even without effort on your part. Compared to others who are also intense, you are unusually able to jump at a good opportunity when the time is right. Only 2.1% of all test takers have this unique combination of personality strengths.

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Kel, you are most afraid of not being good enough

Have you ever noticed that you're more concerned about how others perceive you than many people around you? Or do you sometimes worry more than you should about doing things perfectly or feel afraid that others will mock you in some way? If so, you're not alone. There are many people who share your fear of not being good enough.

It can be a real strength to recognize your fears. By being aware of the things that frighten you, you can assess whether fear is helping you or negatively impacting your life. For instance, a fear of not being good enough may sometimes motivate you to take action in a positive way, like by being more diligent in pursuing your goals than others.

However, fear's negative aspects can sometimes be more damaging than you realize. Living with fear not only prevents you from living life to the fullest; it can also have a significant negative impact on your energy, health, and your close relationships if not kept in check.

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Kel, your subconscious mind is driven most by Imagination

This means you have a deep desire to use innovative ideas to enhance your life and influence the world around you. This drive influences you far more than you may realize on a conscious level.

Your need to be innovative drives how you look at new opportunities and the kinds of experiences in life you choose to have. On an unconscious level, the reason you may be so driven by imagination is your fear of destruction, the opposite of creation. When you are unable to create due to restrictions imposed by your environment or even ones you unwittingly impose on yourself, do you feel trapped or confined? You may find these feelings of unease only get better when you find another outlet for your imagination.

With such a strong creative orientation, you are willing to entertain a broad spectrum of ideas at any given time. The world is a fuller, richer place because you can contribute new ideas to any experience. Your natural curiosity inspires those around you and encourages them to come up with ideas they wouldn't have thought of without your help.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Imagination, there is much more to who you are at your core.

fire dragon

i was born in 1976. hence according to the chinese calendar, i'm a dragon. a fire dragon, actually. read what www.chinese.astrology.com has to say about "people like us".. --------------------------------------------------------------------
DRAGONS

The Dragon is one of the most powerful and lucky Signs of the Chinese Zodiac. Its warm heart makes the Dragon's brash, fiery energy far more palatable. This is a giving, intelligent and tenacious Sign that knows exactly what it wants and is determined to get it. Dragons possess a certain natural, charming charisma that ensures they can always influence their peers and often find themselves the center of attention in social situations. This Sign is truly blessed, too; Dragons are considered to be very lucky in love! (hahaha.. yeah, right!) The Dragon's friends are always keen to hear what this firebrand has to say and when it comes to dispensing advice, the Dragon has the floor.

Its ego can get in the Dragon's way, but even so, this larger-than-life creature has a knack for initiating projects and keeping the troops motivated. According to Dragons, it's their natural born right to lead the way -- because who else could do it so surely and so well? As lucky as they are, Dragons have a good chance of achieving considerable material wealth during their lifetimes, although it isn't mere money that's this Sign's main motivation. Power is what the Dragon wants and truly believes it deserves. Dragons are quite the opportunists, forever searching for ways in which to consolidate their considerable power. Contrary to all this strength and fire, a weakened Dragon is a sad sack, a creature that refuses to take defeat with even a modicum of grace.

The role of leader is the only one the Dragon wants, the better from which to give orders and be king of the hill. They make solid leaders, too, knowing instinctively what needs to be done to stay on top. Crossing the Dragon is never a good idea -- this beast can singe! A valuable life lesson for this clever creature would be to absorb the principles of flexibility, compassion and tolerance. Being high and mighty can serve to inspire others, but it also keeps Dragons from living their lives to the fullest. If Dragons can learn to balance their quest for success with an appreciation for the little things, their life will be more than worthwhile.

The most compatible match for a Dragon is the Monkey or the Rat.

FIRE

Those of you born under the influence of the Chinese Element Fire burn through life with your fierce charm, your impulsive enthusiasm and your restless emotions. A natural leader, you inspire with your decisive action and dramatic expression; people can't help but be magnetically drawn to you. Where will you lead your followers? Likely into an exciting adventure of some sort. You're instinctual, but your mind sparks with new ideas and clever solutions.

In love, you're highly-charged -- even combustible at times! Hot tamales to the core, these dynamic individuals can see straight to the heart of an issue and make it work for them. You may seem single-minded, but you just refuse to be swayed from a cause they believe to be important.

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hahahaha.. is there really something to this chineze zodiac thing?! :D well anyway, whether it's true or not, i've always thought of myself as a fire dragon. not because of my birthdate, though. but somehow it just.. suits me, i guess.

a lot of times, i feel rather "out of this world" - like i'm trapped in the middle of reality and fiction. i'm real and unreal at the same time. much like dragons. and the phoenix (see my august archive). i can identify with these creatures. definitely.

and fire. well, what can i say?! i may love the rain.. but fire has always fascinated me as well (read my july archive). if i were to choose between the elements, i know i'd always choose this one. i don't know if i have a fiery personality (hahaha.. yeah, right!), but i can really say that i am a fire person.

maybe there is something to this chinese zodiac after all.. hahahaha

choosing between evils

there's this 'game' i used to play with my friends before. it's called the "would you rather.." game. we'd come up with hypothetically bad situations.. and ask each one another to "choose among two evils," so to speak. an example would be, "would you rather (A) have an arm amputated; or (B) lose your eyesight?" call us morbidly weird.. but playing that game sure led to highly animated debates and discussions on hurts, pains and life in general.

and now that i think about it.. we do make a lot of these choices in real life. ideally, of course, we would not even have to go through anything "evil" (read: uncomfortable, painful.. anything that we'd rather not experience). but life is far from perfect; hence, we often have to do things we really would prefer not to. because the alternative would be more painful. and refusing to make a choice would only increase the hurt.

anyway.. here's the song in my head for the moment. no, i'm not really sad right now. but i guess i can relate to the words. it is a very good example of our "would you rather.." situation..

LET THE PAIN REMAIN
(rachel alejandro)

love comes, love goes,
still a certain feeling never lets me be
somehow, i know 
that a part of me isn't changed since you've been gone
like a sturdy tree that's seen a thousand seasons
i could shed my leaves in winter 
to grow them back in spring 
to welcome life again
to welcome you

so goes my life
still believe in dreams of having you around
too bad, memories feed the mind and not the heart 
where i want you to be,
so i ask myself what you have left behind for me 
to go on each day to live as if i had you once again
what else is there that's real but all the pain that i feel

so let the pain remain forever in my heart
for every throb it brings
is one more moment spent with you,
i let the pain bring on the rain 
if that's the only way,
if there's no other way to be with you again

lessons learned from a new semester

today is the first day of the second semester at our school. a new semester.. a new set of faces for me to teach. in a span of a week (just about how short our sembreak was), a lot of changes have happened at school. and i do mean a lot!

for one thing, our school adopted a new scheduling scheme this semester. in order to save on energy consumption, the administration decided to implement a 4-day study week (we do not have classes on wednesdays). this meant that students (and teachers, naturally) would have to go to class earlier, have late dismissal times and shorter breaks.

then, also due to the energy conservation project of the school, almost all sections got dislodged from their usual homerooms. everyone had to readjust to their new "homes" this morning. soon, students would have to re-decorate their rooms again.. and start "owning" their rooms anew.

this sem, too, all of us teachers moved to new faculty rooms. during the break, we had to pack up all our things - books, papers, projects, and all sorts of teaching paraphernalia - and have them moved to the rooms we'd be occupying. it was a lot of work, gathering all our stuff.. sorting them, throwing out all the useless junk we've accumulated through the years.. classifying important documents and packing them.

i have to admit.. i was really disoriented when i came to school today. too many changes happened all at once. it was not totally unexpected, of course - these were all discussed with us a couple of months ago. nevertheless, it was still unnerving for me to stay at our new faculty room. i had the same chair, the same table.. and basically the same stuff.. but i was no longer at the room i've occupied for the past eight years. i was at a different place. unfamiliar. uncomfortable.

none of us welcomed all these changes with open arms. but we all knew that these had to be done to improve the management of the school. and, as in all things (particularly those that cause us great discomfort), i guess there are lessons to be learned; and here are some of them:

the less baggage you have, the easier it is to move. (Luke 12:15, "Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.") in my eight years' stay at our school, i'm happy to say i've not stored up *that* much junk. it was easy for me to throw away all the stuff i did not need anymore. so, when the time came for us to pack up our things and move, i had only 2 boxes and 1 bundle of books. i'm happy to say that it did not take me all that long to settle down to our new room Ü i wish i could say that of other areas in my life, too.. hehe Ü

it is difficult to move if you've already taken root. i guess what makes it hard for us to accept all these changes is the fact that we've all become attached to our usual hangouts. we were too accustomed to our surroundings. it was hard to accept all those changes because we were so used to our routines, our rooms, even our whiteboards. we were too “at home” with what we had. i am reminded of the Bible verse Rom 12:2, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” indeed, it is difficult to move to a place you have not yet considered your “home”..

change is inevitable. "the only constant thing in this world is change." so cliche.. yet so true. even our beloved faculty room was not spared from undergoing this major makeover. change excludes none of us. and yet, because "I the Lord do not change.." (Mal 3:6) we do not need to fear Ü

how you deal with change says a lot about you. there are many ways of dealing with change and uncomfortable situations: (1) blame others for what's happening; (2) gripe and complain no end about how 'different' everything feels; or (3) strive to have an open mind, see what good can be gleaned from all the changes happening around and say "I will put my trust in Him" (Heb 2:13). the choice is ours, of course.. and what we choose to do says a lot about our 'teachability' and openness, not just to circumstances, but also to God's leadings.

tomorrow, i'll be back at school. back to the unfamiliar rooms. back to teach new students. but also back to looking for the good in the changes happening all around. and back to listening to other lessons the Lord will be giving me.

mindless babble

ok, ok. so the title of my entry for today is quite redundant. repetitively so. ahahahaha :p but that's the point. i'm babbling like an idiot here. and i don't really care! hahaha. i guess this is one luxury i can afford right now - to write down *anything* i want.. anytime i feel like it. after all, it is *my* blog hehehe :p
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i'm watching CSI (las vegas) right now. it's the one about a girl who was murdered (and repositioned) in the bathroom.. and where grissom and company found a butterfly charm bracelet. but what's really weird is that.. i don't even know if this is a rerun or not. weird 'coz i'm a certified CSI freak. i've watched *all* episodes of all 5 seasons of CSI:LV. but i can't remember ever seeing this particular episode.. and i'm not at all certain that season 6 is being aired already. hmm. i must be losing some of my grey matter..
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tomorrow's the start of another sem. great. haven't finished all that i'm supposed to do. still have tons of papers to check. still have grades to compute. still don't have the energy or will to do so. ahahahaha. i'm such a procrastinator. darn. definitely not one to be emulated by my students hehehehehe. [disclaimer to all my students: should you choose to follow in my footsteps, it's going to be *your* responsibility; *your* mistake to make. you have been duly warned]
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i wish it would rain right now. but no, wait. i forgot. i'm not a rainlover anymore. oh heck.. who cares?! even if i tell myself i don't love the rain anymore.. i still wish the skies would open up and pour down tonight.. tomorrow.. the whole week. hahahahaha. looks like rainlover is back Ü


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lately i find myself being drawn to butterflies and dragonflies. no, i don't really like to catch them (i can't even hold a dragonfly without squirming).. but i do enjoy watching them. i like looking at their colorful wings.. and wishing that, like them, i can fly too. here are some butterfly trivia i found at http://www.chs.ca/fundraising/gv/gvtrivia.html

1. When butterflies get together to drink (moisture) and eat (rotting fruit), it’s called a Puddle Party.
2. Butterflies can be found on every continent except Antarctica.
3. No two butterflies are exactly the same.
4. Butterflies breathe through small holes in their bodies called spiracles.
5. Butterflies smell with their antennae.
6. Butterflies have compound eyes and can see in many directions at the same time.
7. Most butterflies are deaf.
8. Butterflies taste with a long-coiled tongue.
9. To fly, most butterflies must warm up to about 27°C .
10. People who study butterflies and moths are called lepidopterists.
11. There are approximately 20,000 species of butterflies and 157,000 species of moths in the world.
12. In the Fall, millions of Monarch butterflies migrate from Canada to Mexico, travelling more than 3,200 km or 1,920 miles. It takes three generations to complete this migration.
13. The Monarch butterfly has compounds in its body that protect it from being eaten by birds. Animals that eat it vomit, but don’t die. The Monarch gets its protection when it is a caterpillar feeding on the milkweed plant.
14. Butterflies and moths go through a four-stage life cycle: egg, caterpillar, chrysalis (or cocoon), adult.
15. The fastest butterflies can travel about 50 km/hr (30mph).
16. Largest butterfly in the world is the female Queen Alexandra Birdwing with a wingspan up to 32 cm (12.5 in.). The smallest butterfly is the Western Pygmy with a wingspan of 1.5 cm (.62 in.).

and some about dragonflies (that i gathered from all sorts of sites)..
1. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
2. Dragonflies are one of the fastest insects, flying 50 to 60 mph.
3. When it gets hot some dragonflies point their long abdomens right at the sun. This way the sun's rays only hit the tip of the abdomen and not the whole length, keeping the dragonfly much cooler.
4. A dragonfly flaps its two pairs of wings alternately, the front ones rising as the rear ones fall.
5. With its massive eyes, a dragonfly can spot another insect from 60 feet away
6. Many kinds of dragonflies can hover and even fly backward.
7. There are 5,000 dragonfly species throughout the world.
8. Dragonflies belong to the insect order Odonata.


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i gotta get some shuteye. haven't been sleeping properly for the past week ahahaha. no wonder my posts have been mostly like this: mindless babble.. :D

constantly thinking ;p

i'm currently listening to my "Nina Live" CD Ü hehe.. it was worth buying, really. *sigh* wish i could sing like her, hehehe. anyway, i like this song. i don't know who sang it originally, though.. but it's nice Ü

i've previously been posting songs as poems here.. though this time i'm posting this one as a song. hmm. last song syndrome.. i think i'll be singing this 'constantly' for some time, hehehehe :p i especially dedicate this song (as well as the pictures below) to my 'sistas' anna lyn and xtine.. ;p

*sigh* back to school tomorrow. waaahh!! i'm wishing for a longer sembreak.. hehehe :p

CONSTANTLY
(Nina)

I knew it was there
Though I tried to hide it
The feeling just kept on shining through
Haven’t known you that long
So I try to deny it
But the feeling was much too
Much too strong

Could this be love
Deep down inside
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart

Constantly, you’re on my mind
Thinking about you all the time
I can’t sleep no matter what I do
I just keep on thinking ‘bout you

Why do I feel this way
When I know you have someone
That you’re seeing each and everyday
Should I play this game
Of just being your friend
But i know that’s not where I want it to end

How could this be wrong
When it feels so strong
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart
No I don’t want to start
No trouble
Between you and I and your lover
But I must tell you what I’m going through
Everytime you walk by
I see love in your eyes

ocean drive

this came from my friend lilian Ü nice to get a comment from somebody.. even if the comment was posted at my other blog (friendster) Ü again, i'm posting this more as a poem than a song.

hmm. nice lyrics. though i can't say i relate to everything written here.. i certainly appreciate the thought and the spirit in which it is given.. Ü

c",) ocean drive c",)
(lighthouse family)

say its true
pink and blue
i can share your situation
keeping hold on your emotions
they will only make us cry
and you go
i know but you know,
it ain't serious anyway
when the clouds arrive
we'll live on ocean drive

chorus:
don't know why you're so blue
the suns gonna shine on everything you do
and the sky, so blue
the sun's gonna shine on everything you do

he left you
black and blue
without a word of explanation
and he took your love for granted and
he left you high and dry
but you know
someday, well you wonder
what you see in him anyway
when that day arrives
we'll live on ocean drive

chorus:
don't know why you're so blue
the sun's gonna shine on
everything you do
and the sky, so blue
the sun's gonna shine on
everything you do...

a (satur)day in the life of a hungry music-loving bookworm

i went to gateway mall with my cousin almi and her sweetie allan after our choir practice this morning. we decided to have lunch there - as we were all quite famished after all the vocalization and singing rounds of christmas carols Ü and so, by the time practice ended at 12 noon, the three of us went on our way to cubao.

thankfully, there were lots of parking spaces available. being the starving creatures that we were, we postponed the window shopping and headed to the food express. hmm. too many people eating there.. so we decided to eat at max's instead.

lunch was great.. though admittedly, i wasn't really able to eat that much. hmm. dunno why, but latley my appetite for eating hasn't really been that good. haha. almi and allan, on the other hand, stuffed themselves 'til they couldn't eat any more :D hehehe. it was fun watching them ahehehe :p

after lunch, allan went on home. that left almi and me to look around gateway mall for a bit. we dropped by watson's to buy some girly stuff.. and then proceeded to fully booked (my all-time favorite stopover place at gateway).

i love bookstores. i love being around books. especially those hard-to-find titles and those written by not-so-famous authors. saw a paperback copy of "jonathan strange & mr norell" that i really wanted to buy (P599 only!). too bad i didn't have the budget for it yet :( i also saw the "myst" series there - which intrigued me, as i've played the pc game during my high school days. then there's this book, "eats leaves and shoots" - and it interested me 'coz.. well.. i dunno. it just did, hehe Ü there were also a bunch of inspirational books there (by philip yancey, rick warren, warren wiersbe and others) that i would have wanted to read, if i had money to spare. not to mention all those math/science titles that are so hard to find at other bookstores. *sigh* how i wish i owned a bookstore.. :D

anyway, it's been a good (satur)day today Ü i guess i'll be reserving my weekends for unwinding and for going out with friends. life is good.. Ü

i like mr bean

i'm watching mr bean (the cartoon series) right now. haha. it works wonders for me - never fails to put a smile on my face :D now i guess not everyone likes mr bean.. or appreciates its quirky, weird and slapstick-ish humor; but it really appeals to me, hehe :p

i started watching mr bean when i was in 2nd year college, i think. there was no cartoon series at that time yet - but i always made sure i watched every episode. i loved every bit of craziness the show offered - mr bean's small car (locked with his trademark padlock of course!), his non-girlfriend, irma, and all the wild and (sometimes) embarrassing situations he finds himself in. i found rowan atkinson hilarious. wacky and definitely outrageous. watching him, you get a sense that he's from another planet. mr bean's planet.. hahaha :D

i found his attachment to "teddy" endearing too :p kinda reminds me of my favorite comic strip, calvin and hobbes (by bill watterson). i like teddy. guess that's 'coz i'm fond of all sorts of teddy bears hehehe :)

anyway, it's fun watching mr bean :) brings out the inner child in me. ok, granted.. my "inner child" isn't exactly all that hidden - i really do enjoy watching cartoons, playing games and reading comics. but it's just nice to be able to see a uniquely weird character (albeit a comic one) who's not afraid to be totally himself Ü

star

haha. woke up "zombie-ish" today 'coz i slept around 2.30am last night. ha. i'm turning into some kind of insomniac wahahahaha! :p anyway, thought i'd post this song here. well, i'm posting it not as a song but as a poem. i'm not so much into the tune as the words..


STAR
(cranberries)

The stars are bright tonight
And I am walking nowhere
Guess I will be alright
Desire gets you nowhere


And you are always right
I thought you were so perfect
Take you as you were
Have you as you were
Take you as you were

I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are
Does anybody love the way you are?

The stars are bright tonight
A distance is between us
And I will be ok
The worst i´ve ever seen us

And still I have my weaknesses
And still I have my strength
And still I have my ugliness

But i, i, i I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are

Does anybody love the way you are?
I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are
Does anybody love the way you are?

Star, star

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and then there's *this* song. ahahaha. no, i'm not really sad today.. and no, i'm not really asking "how could this happen to me?!" but nevertheless, i can relate to this song :p

UNTITLED
(Simple Plan)

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me


Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

sista's >:p

ahahahahahahahahaha!!! :D i'm soooo happy hehe. had lunch with my good friends anna lyn and xtine today. it's been a while since i've spent time with my "sis" xtine.. and it felt really good to have fun, carefree, wacky, weird people to talk to :p i never realized how much i missed my comically cynical friend. hahahaha. thanx a lot, xtine! haven't felt this good in a long time.

anyway, we formed our very own association today: SISTA's :p hehehe. go figure out what that means!! >:p it was their idea.. not mine! for now, there's just the three of us. we're not yet accepting applicants. but perhaps in the near future, we will invite others into our "sisterhood" hehehe >:p

it's been a devilishly nice day (ha! what an oxymoron). no longer blah :p hehehe. it's fun to have friends around. i wish times like this would come by more often.. :D

things i wanna do right now

1. SLEEP!! haha. haven't been able to sleep that well last night.. er.. this morning. i was able to drift off to dreamland only around 2.30am. *sigh* and it was a fitful sleep, at that..

2. walk around. yeah, well, i miss walking around the campus. especially in the rain. but no.. wait, i'm not a rainlover anymore. ahahahahahaha :D but yes, i still do miss walking.. and the rain too. sometimes..

3. meet with _____. hehe. this is a no-brainer. yup. i do wanna meet up with him. but unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. at least, not *yet*..

4. go SHOPPING!!! yup!! i wanna go to greenhills. and to that new place, 'tiendesitas' :) but i don't have enough money to splurge so.. might as well avoid the temptation hehehehe >:)

5. work on my cousin (dom)'s rubber ball. haha. that's a new hobby of his - making a big ball out of rubber bands. he plans to make it as big as a basketball by november. i'm gonna help him out. hmm. i'll probably buy him a box of rubber bands later.. :D

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umm, runnin' out of stuff that i wanna do. haha. guess it's kinda obvious by now how boring my life is wahahahaha :D *sigh* no profound thoughts from me today. my brain's kinda tired from lack of sleep.. and too much thinking these past days haha :p maybe i'll sort of go back to posting stuff like this hehehe :D

black & white

Question: how do you turn white into black?
Answer: one black drop at a time




if you have a drum full of white paint, and you pour in a whole can of black paint.. and mix it in, you'd definitely notice the change from white to grey.. or near-black.

but try to mix in the black paint one drop at a time. you'd hardly ever notice any change. your eyes wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the original white.. and one that's 1/1000 shade darker.

Question: so how do you turn black to white?
Answer: you don't. only God does

"..wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:7

isn't it great how the red blood of Jesus cleans away our blackness and turns us snow white? Ü

waiting

I was reading my daily devotional this morning, and it felt as if the Lord was really speaking to me. The verse I read was from Gen. 15:13-14; and it said, “Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be... mistreated four hundred years. But... afterward they will come out with great possessions.”

As I read the Bible verse, I wondered how God’s people must have felt at the time of their captivity. Perhaps they felt the way I do now. Impatient. Doubting. Afraid. Alone. I remembered how the people grumbled as Moses led them out of Egypt and into the desert.. and I thought, too, of all the times I complained to the Lord about the spiritual and emotional dryness in my life.

I do not particularly enjoy waiting. I have been used to getting results immediately. I get restless, I worry whenever things do not go the way I plan. Much like the stiff-necked people Moses led out into the desert, I tend to doubt. I easily take for granted all the blessings I have received. And while in my mind, I knew that the Lord would take care of me, my heart had problems with letting Him take charge of my life.

I pondered on today’s reflection.. and drew quiet comfort from it. The author, Charles Trumbull, wrote:

“I can be sure that part of God’s promised blessing to me is delay and suffering. The delay in Abraham’s lifetime that seemed to put God’s promise well beyond fulfillment was then followed by the seemingly unending delay experienced by Abraham’s descendants. But it was indeed only a delay - the promise was fulfilled, for ultimately they did ‘come out with great possessions.’

God is going to test me with delays, and along with the delays will come suffering. Yet through it all, God’s promise stands.”

I have been very impatient with myself lately. Because for quite a while now, I have been wrestling with my own brokenness. My praise is less spontaneous. I have had to really focus on thanking God for every blessing He has given me. Worship is now a determined and conscious effort.. not something that easily comes out of my lips, as before. I have prayed to God to change me.. to make me grow deeper in my relationship with Him. And then the desert-like dryness came.

I guess this means He really took my prayer seriously. For now, God is teaching me how to worship Him in the desert - to trust in His love and goodness in the midst of brokenness.. in the midst of nothingness. He is letting me know what it means to depend solely on Him. And whereas before, He let me feel the joy and pleasure in serving and praising Him, now the Lord is teaching me how to keep serving.. how to keep thanking and worshipping Him even when joy is so difficult to find.

Yes, I am growing. Slowly and a bit painfully.. but nevertheless, growing. And like God’s wandering people, I know that one day, He will fulfill His promise to me. I will come out of my desert with the greatest possession of all: a deep, unshakable, loving relationship with my God.

a trip from dreamland

i woke up feeling different today. i feel as if i've lived a thousand lifetimes. i've been a doctor in a hospital.. a friend's counselor.. a supplicant.. a musician.. a racecar driver.. an eagle.. a shadow.. a lover.. all in my dreams last night.


getting back to reality is quite a shock. it was as if my dreamland was the real world.. and this place called "reality" makes much less sense to me. in my dreams i can heal.. i have wisdom.. my wishes come true.. i can make great music.. i am daring.. i can soar.. i can hide from everyone.. i love and am loved in return.

my dreamland.. where i've always wanted to be. but no.. reality beckons, and i have to wake up or die. i've said this before.. that i wish i could make my world much like my dreamland. i have started to do that.. and i'm succeeding, bit by bit Ü with God's grace.. pretty soon my reality will make sense to me too

song for the day..

INSENSITIVE
(Jann Arden)

How do you cool your lips
After a summers kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound of a voice
You'd know anywhere

chorus
Oh I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After youve found a friend
How do you teach your heart its a crime
To fall in love again

Oh you probably wont remember me
Its probably ancient history
Im one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
Im out of vogue, Im out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

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just posted this song 'coz my friend sanny sent me these lyrics. geez.. it's so freaky how he manages to send me songs that seem to fit my current state of mind. maybe he's some kind of mind-reader. hmm. i should be more careful what i think of when i'm around him.. hehehehe

rainlover no more

it took a long time.. but i think this is it. i'm not a rainlover anymore.

this time, i'll treasure the sunshine..
i'll smile when the clouds are white..
i'll bask in the warmth of the sun..
and i won't wait for my precious raindrops
to make my day complete


oh i know there will still be days when i'll look for rain
but i've stopped wishing for it everyday
i'm doing fine without it
i'm happy when it's there to comfort me
but when it refuses to keep me company
and grant my rain-wishes
i'll be happy just the same

it's a brand new day
i can't wait for the sunshine Ü

a true sacrifice of praise

today was the conclusion of our 2-day LSS held at the meralco theater. i just got home. i'm physically tired.. and my voice box is quite stressed out.. but i'm spiritually recharged again Ü and yes.. i think i am quite happy, thank God Ü

yesterday i learned a lot from the talks. and most of the things our speakers mentioned, i know i'll keep in my heart. but today, the one thing i won't forget is bro vic pestano's sharing. well, actually, i think what touched me most wasn't actually his talk on growth and transformation; but the fact that he went to the LSS to give the talk.

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last friday, bro vic pestano's daughter (who studies in UST) was walking near the campus area with her friend, jeff. when two holduppers accosted them and asked for their valuables, his daughter immediately complied. her friend, however, did not. a struggle ensued between jeff and the criminals.. until one of the men drew his gun and shot jeff pointblank in the chest.. then finished him off by shooting him in the head. bro vic's daughter, thankfully, was not hurt physically by the assailants. but she was severely traumatized by what she witnessed. as of writing, she is confined at the hospital, undergoing treatment for minor physical injuries.. and of course, psychological trauma.
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as bro vic was recounting what happened to his daughter, he was clearly distraught. i mean, yes, he was able to give his talk.. and he delivered it really well, too. but when he talked about his family's recent experience, he could not help but shed tears. it was very moving to hear this preacher open up to us about his fear for his family's safety.. his doubts.. his hurts and pains.. his raw emotions.

bro vic pestano is a great preacher. he delivers his talks really well - with a good combination of humor and substance. but today, i really appreciated him not as a preacher.. but as a fellow traveller who showed me how to walk the Christian walk. he is under a lot of pain. his family is undergoing a lot of trials. he had every right to cancel his talk. yet he came to preach to us. not so much with his words, this time.. but with his mere presence at the LSS: evidence of a clear and determined effort to say "yes" to the Lord.. to continue to serve God's people, regardless of the situation.

bro vic's commitment was a shining example to me.. and i'm sure to a lot more who are in ministry. serving the Lord will not always be easy. trials and difficulties may come. we may doubt.. we may fear.. we may not understand why certain things happen to us. but as bro vic said, "God is never wrong" - He knows what is best for us. and in the midst of the darkness, His Word.. His Love.. will always be there to give us Light.

streams in the desert (oct 15)

i just read from my daily devotional, streams in the desert. and guess what?! turns out the Lord was not finished speaking to me at the LSS Ü He's really an awesome God.. and it feels just great to know that He can turn all things, all circumstances into instruments for His greater glory Ü read on..

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The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:17)

Those people God uses most to bring glory to Himself are those who are completely broken, for the sacrifice He accepts is a "broken and contrite heart." It was not until Jacob's natural strength was broken, when "his hip was wrenched" (Gen. 32:25) at Peniel, that he came to the point where God could clothe him with spiritual power. And it was not until Moses struck the rock at Horeb, breaking its surface, that cool "water [came] out of it for the people to drink" (Ex 17:6).

It was not until Gideon's three hundred specially chosen soldiers "broke the jars that were in their hands" (Judg 7:19), which symbolized brokenness in their lives, that the hidden light of the torches shone forth, bringing terror to their enemies. It was once the poor widow broke the seal on her only remaining jar of oil and began to pour it that God miraculously multiplied it to pay her debts and thereby supplied her means of support. (See 2 Kings 4:1-7)

It was not until Esther risked her life and broke through the strict laws of a heathen king's court that she obtained favor to rescue her people from death. (See Est. 4:16)

It was once Jesus took "the five loaves... and broke them" (Lk 9:16) that the bread was multiplied to feed the five thousand. Through the very process of the loaves being broken, the miracle occurred. It was when Mary broke her beautiful "alabaster jar of very expensive perfume" (Mt 26:7), destroying its future usefulness and value, that the wonderful fragrance filled the house. And it was when Jesus allowed His precious body to be broken by thorns, nails and a spear that His inner life was poured out like an ocean of crystal-clear water, for thirsty sinners to drink and then live.

It is not until a beautiful kernel of corn is buried and broken in the earth by DEATH that its inner heart sprouts, producing hundreds of other seeds or kernels. And so it has always been, down through the history of plants, people and all of spiritual life - God uses BROKEN THINGS.

Those who have been gripped by the power of the Holy Spirit and are used for God's glory are those who have been broken in their finances, broken in their self-will, broken in their ambitions, broken in their lofty ideals, broken in their worldly reputation, broken in their desires, and often broken in their health. Yes, He uses those who are despised by the world and who seem totally hopeless and helpless, just as Isaiah said: "The lame will carry off plunder" (Isa. 33:23)

Oh, break my heart; but break it as a field
Is plowed and broken for the seeds of corn;
Oh, break it as the buds, by green leaf sealed,
Are, to unloose the golden blossom, torn;
Love would I offer unto Love's great Master,
Set free the fragrance, break the alabaster.

Oh, break my heart; break it, victorious God,
That life's eternal well may flow abroad;
Oh, let it break as when the captive trees,
Breaking cold bonds, regain their liberties;
And as thought's sacred grove to life is springing,
Be joys, like birds, their hope, Your victory singing.

(Thomas Toke Bunch)
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yes, there is joy in the midst of despair.. there is hope in brokenness. because i know that in my weakness, God can use me all the more to witness to His goodness, His mercy, His grace and His glory. like i previously said.. i know He's going to do great things in my life.. Ü