some thoughts..

i got this from a friend's blog (see, xtine.. i do look at your blog time and again). these thoughts do apply to me at the moment so i'm posting it here..


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"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever." -- Ally Mcbeal

"Short of death, I think, there are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away from you after they have left you, watching the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing but empty space, and silence." -- Someone like you

falling

ok, so i lost him. but that doesn't stop me from singing this song. it's still true.. i'm still falling for him.. over and over again.. :(

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i wanna tell you baby
that you're the one i'm thinking of
but your heart's no longer with me
and i know i'm not the one that you love

i only want you happy
even if it's not with me
maybe one day
you'll open up your eyes and you'll see..

"that i think i'm falling
maybe i'm falling for you
yeah i think i'm falling
baby i'm falling for you.."

from the first time
you laid your lips on mine
it feels like the smile on my face
would last 'til the end of time

but i'm not so sure
you're the one that i should pursue
my mind doesn't know
but my heart only says it's still true..

that i know i'm falling
baby i've fallen for you
yeah i know i'm falling
baby i've fallen for you

only time will tell
the mystery has yet to unfold
who's gonna feel love's warmth
and the other left in the cold

yet still i'm falling
baby i've fallen for you
yeah i know i'm falling
baby i've fallen for you..

yes i hope you're falling
baby baby fall for me too
yeah i hope you're falling
baby baby fall for me too..

death comes in fours

last week, a friend's father died. we sang at his wake and said our condolences to our friend and her family.

a former teacher of mine died last week, too. there was a necrological service for her at our school last tuesday.

then yesterday my best friend died.. figuratively speaking. he's gone now. he exists only in my memory; yet he lives on in my heart. every moment spent with him etched painfully on my mind. each time, the recollection of all the memories - both happy and sad - causes me to die along with him. and afterwards, i am cruelly resurrected.. to once again experience the agony of living life without him.

there are so many feelings. there are so many things left unsaid. but no words can be formed. and there is no use trying to explain to somebody who's dead. just as it is not possible for a dead person to speak.

i love him still.. though he'll never understand why my love for him forces me to live my life the way i do now. maybe someday when the time comes, he will understand.. and he'll come to life once more. maybe. but i do not hold the secret to eternal life.. only God does. our lives are in His hands. i just hope He will accept my secret sacrifice and someday grant my prayer.

sands

i feel you slowly
slipping through my fingers
like grains of sand that
could not help
but escape from
a tightly-closed hand

i feel every grain of memory
digging into my palm
before it struggles
to leave my grasp

i try to hold on to every bit of you
no matter how little there is left
for me to hold on to
but it's no use..
'coz with each passing day
i sense the sands of time
reclaiming more and more of you
until someday soon
i suppose i'll be left with
my palm forced open
with the realization that
my hand has nothing more
to hold on to..

delta x

∆x (read as "delta x"): defined in mathematics as the incremental change in the value of x

when i was studying introductory calculus in my college days, i couldn't help but be fascinated by the concept of "rates of change." it was interesting for me to graph all sorts of curves.. to observe how the small changes in x values result in corresponding changes in the y values.. uhm, ok, enough math talk for now Ü

but come to think of it, i'm not alone in my fascination. of course, not everyone would make the mathematical connection.. but a lot of people do know the importance and significance of change. careers have been built up and destroyed.. lives have been converted.. wars have been fought.. all because of this thing we call change.

what's all the fuss about change, anyway? after all, we know it happens to everyone. nothing in this world ever stays the same. businesses flourish then go bankrupt. friends come and go. people live their lives on earth then move on to the next life. change is the one of those things that is bound to happen to all of us. so why is it so difficult to accept at times?

a lot of changes are happening in my life right now. some of them are minor.. some are major. some are welcome.. some are not. and then there are those that behave like my mathematical ∆x: incremental changes that creep up slowly, unnoticed. one minute, i'm happy and full of peace.. and then next, BOOM! i get caught unprepared. the realization is so sudden it takes me completely by surprise.. and i get totally disoriented. i mean, sure.. my surroundings look the same.. but they don't feel the same to me anymore. i find myself in a state.. in a situation i never wanted to be in. i am out of my comfort zone.

yet it is during such times that the Lord makes me feel His grace and presence all the more. in the midst of uncertainty, fear and doubt, He gives comfort and assurance. in times of unbearable sorrow, He makes His love known through friends, loved ones and His Word. and in the dark night of the soul.. where no one else sees.. the Lord speaks. and when He speaks, He effects change. not a sudden, abrupt or magnificent change. but a ∆x kind of change: incremental.. slow but steady.. unnoticed at the micro-level, but clearly seen when you look at the big picture. indeed, bit by bit, He is changing me

change. a small word with life-changing consequences. one of the most difficult things to deal with. but now i know that with God, i don’t have to be afraid of change. i don’t have to struggle so much to find my way through unfamiliar territory. because though everything around me may change, one thing never will: His love for me.

“But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9

waiting for a star to fall

i left the house to attend choir practice several hours ago. it was 26 september then. a special day. or at least, it was supposed to have been one. i tried to make it special, still. i tried to help him remember what it was like. i tried to show him the new improved me. but i suppose all my efforts came just a couple of months too late.

now i come back home.. it's now 27 september. a special day. *my* special day. or at least, it's supposed to be special. i'll try to make it special.. to make it a happy one. happy birthday to me. but i know this is definitely going to be a memorable birthday for me. one that i'll spend alone.

i'm still waiting for my wish to be granted. i'm still looking up at the sky.. for my rain.. and for my star to fall.

maybe today, on my birthday, i'll get lucky and catch my falling star..

nostalgia

i want to be a child again..

..to forget all my worries
..to look at life and the world around me with wonder, and not cynicism
..to be trusting and innocent
..to be happy and joyful and full of vitality
..to live simply and carefree
..to be able to sleep well at night
..to wake up with anticipation of a great day ahead
..to have few expectations
..to know exactly what i want
..to derive simple pleasures from just about anything
..to love purely
..to undergo only those hurts that a strip or two of band-aid can remedy

what i would give to be a child once more..

shattered glass

a few days ago, my drinking glass broke. our househelp accidentally knocked it over the table so it shattered. it wouldn't have mattered if it were some other drinking glass. but that's *my* drinking glass. the one whose partner belongs to him. best friends forever. *sigh*

i went to the department store to replace the drinking glass i lost. i couldn't find one that's identical to the one that broke. the salesperson says it's "out of stock." so i got a different kind of glass. it will serve its purpose, i guess.. but it's just not the same.

i'm not one to believe in omens. but the recent shattering of my drinking glass really scares me. i wonder.. is this a sign of what's to become of us? a breaking of glass.. a breaking of a great relationship.. a breaking even of the bonds of friendship? i don't know. i hope not. but at the moment, there really isn't much that i can do.

*sigh* i hope my birthday wish comes true.. ='(

dante's inferno

i'm curious about my "dark side" right now.. so i took this online test. it's cool. or rather.. it's hot. hahahaha. 9 levels of hell. guess where i ended up.. hehehehe

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

amnesia

the human brain is such a complex and interesting thing. so powerful yet so delicate. it can do a myriad things.. come up with all sorts of ideas. it gives birth to inventions that change the world. yet in a mere split second, it can just as easily turn against itself. a single word.. a single unfortunate event.. is enough to influence somebody's mind.. is enough to change a person's whole self.. maybe forever.

it never ceases to amaze me how such a tiny organ can control my entire body. i suppose my brain doesn't weigh any more than a few grams.. but my whole essence.. my very self is contained therein. every word i've ever spoken.. every decision i've made.. every waking memory.. every dream.. all these are recorded in the nooks and crannies of my grey matter.

sometimes i wish i could erase some of the things in my head. i wish i could delete the errors in judgment. or at least modify some of my memories so they wouldn't hurt me so much.

hmm. selective amnesia, perhaps? i don't know. i really don't know. it's difficult to battle with your own thoughts. it's so hard to fight your own brain.. your own self. you end up on the losing end.. all the time.. :(

rain-lover

today i woke up feeling drained. i haven't even started my day and already, i felt so tired. i was in a glum mood and didn't feel like talking to anybody. which was quite ironic because i knew that deep inside, all i really wanted was to have somebody to talk to. someone who would keep me company. someone who would be willing to listen to me rant. someone i can lean my head on.. and probably cry my heart out to. unfortunately, i didn't have that someone. i don't have that somebody. not anymore, at least.. or rather.. not *yet*..

this morning i kept praying for the rain to come. i know a lot of people love sunny weather; but as for me, there's nothing like a good rainfall to brighten my day. each time i see the skies turn grey, my heart does a little flip-flop. it is as if my spirit's thirst is quenched everytime the rain falls. and God knows how dry my spirit felt this morning.

hours passed and still no rain. nevertheless, i found some comfort from the very timely text message i received from my friend lilian Ü feeling a bit cheered, i was able to survive my morning without much incident.

by noon, i had forgotten all about my morning rain prayer. then, just as i came to my class at around 1pm, it rained! a good, solid outpouring of rain Ü just looking out at the grey curtain of water that appeared so suddenly.. drenching the ground.. well, it made me break out into a huge smile Ü

there's no need to say it, but i'll state the obvious, anyway: i love the rain. i also love the feeling i get whenever my "rain-requests" are granted. but i guess more than anything, i love the Rain-maker.. and it feels great to know that He's listening to me.. letting me know that He answers even the simplest prayers or a rain-lover like me Ü

walking in his shoes

ever tried to see things from somebody else's point of view? ever wondered what's going on in someone else's mind? well, i know i have. in fact, i almost always do that. it's almost second nature to me. often, i'd catch myself playing all sorts of "what if" scenarios in my mind: how someone would react if i said this or did that.. etc. i think about all these in but mere split seconds. too fast that at times i'm not even aware that i do process all these imagined situations. it may seem weird and crazy, but i don't know.. i'm kinda used to it by now.

at the moment, i'm trying to understand the situation i'm in. i'm trying to see things from his point of view. difficult as it is, i am trying to give him what he needs - space. lots of it. as much as possible, i stop myself from expecting any show of affection from him. i avoid letting him know how much i'm hurting.. how much i need to be with him.. how much i miss him. i do try really hard to see things the way he does. but sometimes.. well.. sometimes it just gets to the point where i feel i forget myself already.

that's the problem with walking in somebody else's shoes too much. pretty soon you realize you're not just in his shoes.. you're slowly turning into that person yourself. his feet become your feet.. his thoughts your thoughts.. until you get all confused and you forget your true self. time and again i have to remind myself who i really am. what i want in life. what my expectations are. and what is there in me to love.

from now on, i'm going to learn to walk on my own. oh sure.. i'll still walk in his shoes. i'll still try to understand him. but i will learn to get to know myself more. i will find my own shoes.. ones that i'm comfortable with.. ones that will let me walk in whatever path is destined for me.

and hopefully, someday, he'll want to walk alongside me.. in his own comfortable pair of shoes.

wandering

i love bookstores. i enjoy browsing through the different shelves, looking for nice books to read. i like to see if there are new pens, papers or other stationery items to add to my collection. i also enjoy reading the various greeting cards.. trying to see if i can get one for some special people. yup.. i love hanging out at bookstores. but not today.

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i dropped by a nearby bookstore before going home this afternoon. i didn't need to buy anything in particular - i just wanted to go somewhere by myself before heading home. so i went inside diplomat.. looked through some of the used books there.. and found myself approaching the greeting card section. instinctively, i selected some nice cards.. meaning to give it to someone special.. when i suddenly remembered: he's not mine anymore. the unbidden realization hurt so much.. it brought with it a flood of memories that came too quick for me to stop.

needless to say, i returned the cards i initially picked.. and chose a few that were more "suitable".. the more "friendly" cards.. the "safer" ones that are sweet, but don't really say everything you want to.

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i am slowly getting my life back. bit by bit, i am learning to accept the situation i am in.. the situation we are in. but i have my weak moments. there are times when i get caught unaware.. when bittersweet memories pop up in my mind and i am unprepared for the rush of emotions they bring out in me.

and i see myself as a wanderer, where but months ago i had a home. lost in the choking vastness of endless possibilities. i never wanted to be free. i never expected to set out on my life's journey without a hand to hold. not now. but wander, i must.. with no idea where to go. in an almost desperate search to find my heart's home.. or wait for it to call me back.. 'til i am a wanderer no more..

sick

i'm supposed to be at our prayer meeting tonight. instead, i'm here at home.. sick :( i feel so dizzy i feel like throwing up :( i know i need to rest but i can't sleep coz my head continues to spin even though i close my eyes. great. *sigh* and there's no one to talk to.. no one to text. hence, this blog post.

i've just requested a batch of chicken soup to be brought up to me. might work wonders for me. though i know a single phone call would surely make things a whole lot better than an entire pot of soup..

*sigh*

a friend of mine sent me this text message tonight..

Find someone who'll kiss you just before the traffic light turns green..
..who closes his eyes when he hugs you
..someone who will patiently drive you to and from work..
..or even wait for you

Find someone who'll smell your hair every chance he gets..
..who'll wipe off your sweat with his hanky
..someone who'll sing your favorite song
..even if he can't carry a tune

Find someone who lets you rest over his shoulder..
..who lets you sleep on his lap
..and will give you the first and last bite of his burger
..who'll squeeze your hand tighter when you squeeze his

Find someone who occupies your every dream..
..and when you find him..
..never let him go!

i already was able to do all the above.. except the last line :( *sigh*
but who knows.. maybe someday.. i won't have to find him anymore
maybe someday.. he'll find me.. and never let go :)

this monday is not a monday

busy, busy, busy. haha. this monday does not feel like a monday at all. first day of the work week and already i feel quite harassed. hmm. let's see.. still no power at school.. hence, we hold classes in the dark. for 1.5 hours, i hear endless non-mathematical chatter and i see chairs strewn about in unfathomable chaotic order. i couldn't blame the poor kids - i found it difficult to imagine a more unmotivating environment for learning. *sigh*

had to stay late for the faculty meeting, too. i'm not a big fan of meetings - especially faculty meetings. but i guess today's wasn't that bad. lasted only for an hour and a half. just about as long as one classroom meeting. and it was quite tolerable since there wasn't much disagreement.. and the meeting actually made sense haha Ü

got home at around 5.45pm.. grabbed a quick bite (that's dinner) then went upstairs to have my regular date with the PC. the usual daily routine - checking emails, ranting here in my blog, friendster, ym, etc. now, though, i need to layout our community's weekly newsletter. hmm.

it's been a long day but everything went by so fast. it honestly feels like a friday. haha. but it's ok. i still have lots of stored happiness from this weekend Ü just hope that tomorrow and the next days to come won't feel too much like today.. Ü

friendship bracelets

my 'happiness meter' reads full today Ü i've been able to stock up on happiness these last 24 hours, hehe. i'm quite confident that i have enough happy thoughts.. happy memories.. to get me through this coming week Ü

it isn't just my cousin's debut that has got me in this mood (see previous blog post).. although i do admit the occasion does have a lot to do with it Ü i'm feeling really happy because i got to spend the past 24 hours with ney again Ü yup. he came to the party with me. guess that's partly the reason why the hours seemed to go by so quickly. he slept over here at our house, too Ü ate breakfast here.. dropped by again in the afternoon.. watched tv with me.. all the usual stuff i used to take for granted which now means so much to me.

friendship bracelets. that's what we have right now. not rings. i used to gripe about that a lot.. and i suppose there will be times when i still would. but at this moment, i won't let my regrets overwhelm my gratefulness for what i have. i will be thankful even for the dim lights from the tea candles. and while waiting for the "brownout" to pass, the show will go on. the celebration will continue. i will celebrate life. life is good.. Ü

the most memorable debut ever

last night i went to the most memorable debut i've ever attended: my cousin's 18th birthday party. now, i've never considered myself a party person. social gatherings are not exactly my forte. but i really looked forward to this occasion because i knew how much preparation went into it.

my cousin, along with her parents and siblings, planned the event months beforehand. being the ever-meticulous person that she is, my cousin truly spent time agonizing over every detail of her debut - from the souvenirs and program to the decorations and her attire. she even made a list of all the songs she wanted to be played during the dance.. each song specially chosen to fit the guy she would be dancing with. nothing was left to chance.

so i went to my cousin's debut filled with anticipation. i wondered what she would wear, which decorations she chose, what kind of menu she selected, etc. the venue was great, and so were the decors - the place looked very festive, bright and cheerful. the room was comfortably cool, and everything was set up according to plan.

then, just as we were about to settle down.. just as the program was about to begin.. the power went out! at first, everyone thought it was staged. but long minutes went by and still nothing happened. no lights. no air conditioning. nothing but darkness. in fact, for hours, we had no electricity. we had no lights save for the tea candles set up in each table.

i thought to myself, “this party will be a total disaster. kawawa naman ang pinsan ko..” i could not imagine how the occasion could turn out fine. the evening progressed and still no electricity. the program continued; but not as originally planned, of course. there were no flashy powerpoint presentations, no music from the karaoke unit. it was still hot inside the venue and we could hardly see each other. but surprisingly, everyone was attentive to the program. the people were listening to the testimonials of my cousin’s friends. and in spite of the heat and the lack of light.. everyone was in a good mood! people were laughing, exchanging jokes, and having fun. instead of simply watching the program, people were actually participating.. being part of the occasion. my cousin's theater friends, far from being bored, contributed to the jolly mood of the program by coming up with spontaneous song, dance and acting numbers. the party lasted for hours, but we were all entertained and quite happy Ü (a far cry from the people in the adjoining room - they were also having a debut at the same venue; but the mood there was really somber, and they didn't continue with their program anymore) i’m sure my cousin’s debut will be much-talked about by every one of the attendees – and not in a bad way! Ü

the 'fiasco' at my cousin's birthday celebration taught me an important lesson. we cannot expect everything in life to turn out the way we want. we can do our best.. prepare for everything.. and still, at times, for reasons we cannot explain, things get out of hand. and if we base our joy on our expected circumstances, we will be severely disappointed.

of course, it is but natural for us to gripe and complain when we do not get what we worked so hard to achieve. like the people in the other room, we can vent out our frustration to no end.. see only the unfulfilled plans and remain oblivious to what can still be done about the situation. in the end, though, all the griping and ranting will not improve our situation.. will not help others feel better.. will not turn us into better, more grateful persons.

once we look beyond our disappointment, though.. and once we turn to the Lord with expectant faith.. we may see that things are not as bleak as we originally thought they were. in fact, we may find that He needed to make changes in our original plans.. 'mess things up' a little.. introduce a bit of 'darkness'.. so that things will eventually turn out better. so that we may turn out to be better persons. in the end, i guess we all need "brownouts" in our lives so that God's great work may shine all the more brightly Ü

Zzzzz...

today my friends go to cebu. our community will have a life in the spirit seminar (LSS) there this weekend and some of my choirmates flew there to help out. it would have been nice to come along.. but what with my fear of planes and stuff.. well, i'm stuck here in manila, hehe =p it's just as well.. 'coz at least i'm here in rainy weather instead of cebu's sweltering heat Ü

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i'm sleepy. spent most of my day zombie-like.. haven't had much sleep for the past two days. dunno why, though, coz i've been feeling really happy lately. hmm. happiness overdose, perhaps?! Ü i have this sensation like i'm experiencing a caffeine buzz - though i haven't had a good coffee fix for quite some time. hah. weird.

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my virtual pets are doing great. my guppies are all grown-up already.. even rox, the backward-swimming fish Ü bought some new ones, too - a musically-gifted carnivore, technicolored guppies, and a starcatcher. haha. i'm sooo addicted to that insaniquarium game..

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oh well. gotta catch some z's for now so my brain will have a chance to reorganize itself, haha. gotta rest too, if i ever wanna get to choir practice tomorrow morning =p hopefully, next time i'd be able to post something more interesting.. and regain my writing skills too hehehe =p

writer's block

i want to write today. unfortunately, my lack of sleep seems to have deprived me of my ability to think coherently. hence, this post contains nothing but unorganized bits of thoughts that pop up randomly as i write..

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the rain was pouring down really hard today. naturally, that cheered me up a lot.. being the rain lover that i am. i even managed to take a short walk under the rain before going to my morning class Ü that was fun. i haven't been able to do that for a long time.
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i'm waiting for a text message. 7.10pm. i wonder if he's home now. i wonder why he hasn't called or texted yet. hmm. i know, i know.. no demands. but old habits die hard.. and i still do care. i hope he does, too.. still.
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i'm trying out our newly-installed DSL. it's definitely a lot faster than the old dial up. and another plus is that the phone line isn't all tied up each time i go online. cool Ü wish the friendster page would load a bit faster, though..
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ho-hum. i'm sleepy again. just played insaniquarium.. and managed to acquire some new virtual pets in my fish tank hehe Ü now i've got a playful goldfish that swims backward. i named it after me. it just seemed fitting to do so..

wishing star

i want to lie down on the grass at night..
..to gaze up at the stars and feel soft rain fall down on my face.
..to look for my falling star and make a special wish

i want to feel his hand holding mine..
..to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep
..with my head nestled on his arm

i want to wake up to the warmth of the sunshine
..and feel the same warmth beside me
..holding me close
..and this time
..never letting go..

rainbow-colored

it's raining now but i'm not crying. i'm wearing black but i'm not sad. i haven't seen or talked to him today but i'm not lonely. i wasn't able to answer my crossword for the day, but i'm not frustrated. my wish has not come true yet, but i'm not impatient. i have tons unchecked papers waiting for my correction, but i'm not harried. i have bills to pay and i'm a bit short of cash, but i'm not worried. outside my window, everything's grey. but right now, i'm feeling pink.. and green.. and orange.. and yellow.. and a host of other rainbow colors Ü

i seldom feel this way (my friends can definitely attest to that hehe).. especially when things don't go according to my plans. yet today i feel fine. i feel quite happy. i feel at peace Ü why? it's not because of anything i did - i haven't done anything different lately. it certainly isn't because things have been going my way. hmm. maybe my prayers are now being answered. maybe i'm learning to be grateful for every little blessing. maybe i'm learning to find joy regardless of circumstances. maybe, after experiencing brokenness, i'm on the road to healing and wholeness. maybe i'm beginning to see the rainbow that comes after the rain.

i don't know how God plans to use me.. or how He even plans to make me into the kind of person i'm supposed to be. but for now, i won't worry about it. i'll just rest assured in His promise that He will be faithful to complete the work He began in me Ü

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future..'" Jer 29:11

destiny

i've always loved this song. i'm in a happy mood right now, so i'm posting this. i still mean every word of it.. and strangely, it doesn't matter so much whether he'd sing it back to me. i just know it's still my song for him. no need to ask to whom this one's dedicated.. Ü

DESTINY

What if I never knew
What if I never found you
I'd never have this feeling in my heart
How did this come to be
I don't know how you found me
But from the moment I saw you
Deep inside my heart I knew

Chorus:
Baby you're my destiny
You and I were meant to be
With all my heart and soul
I give my love to have and hold
And as far as I can see
You were always meant to be my destiny

I wanted someone like you
Someone that I could hold on to
And give my love until the end of time
But forever was just a word
Something I'd only heard about
But now you're always there for me
When you say forever I believe

(chorus)

Maybe all we need is just a little faith
'Cause baby I believe that love will find the way

Baby you're my destiny
You and I were meant to be
With all my heart and soul
I give my love to have and hold
And as I far as I can see
From now until eternity
You were always meant to be my destiny

this tuesday is a monday

today is tuesday, 13 sept. but it feels like a monday because classes at school today follow the monday sked. too many missed MTh sessions, that's why. hehe, i feel a bit disoriented but it's ok.. i'm used to it by now Ü

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i gave an exam in trigo today. hmm. i didn't think it was difficult but i guess my students think otherwise hehe. poor creatures. but no, really.. i *tried* my best to make it easy for them. unfortunately, though, the proving portion seemed a bit of a challenge. i haven't checked the papers yet.. i'll wait 'til i'm in a better mood hehe =p

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now i'm just about to get ready for choir practice. we're studying some christmas carols.. we just finished "jingle bells" last time and we'll have a quartet later. haha. great way to end the day. my head is ringing from all the jingly-jingly tunes i've memorized.

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i'll be driving alone to practice and back later. my cousin can't make it 'coz his throat hurts (so he says, hehe). i hate driving at night. i can't see very well and i tend to get a bit disoriented. luckily for me my friend lilian will ride home with me later. hmm. another first for me - driving from makati at night. haha. might be an adventure. oh well.. seems today is really a different kind of day..

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i miss ney. haven't heard from him since this morning. i'm still not used to him not having a mobile phone when he's in UP. i hope he gets home soon.. maybe i can talk to him before i leave for practice. *sigh* good thing we met yesterday. at least i'm in a more or less happy mood 'coz of that, hehe Ü

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hehe.. i'm jumping from one thought to another. random bits and pieces inside my brain. but i don't mind. not today. i'm still feeling quite happy, thank God. hope this lasts a bit longer than it usually does.. Ü

9/11

this article was written by one of my favorite priests - Fr. Bobby Titco. it's quite long.. but it's definitely worth reading. something to ponder on.. a timely reminder for all of us during these not-so-peaceful moments. God bless!

============================================

I remember the victims of the 9/11 terrorist attack in New York City as I write this reflection. Today is September 11.

It was a dream-come-true for me to have been at Ground Zero last May. Twice I traveled from my residence at Whiteplains County by the metro train to the former spot of the World Trade Center. For a newcomer, it was not very easy to travel alone in the Big City. The first time I went to Ground Zero, I was so confused what train to take when I arrived at the Grand Central Station. The second time, I got home at 1:00 in the morning because I was lost in the subway station rushing to catch the last train from Grand Central to Whiteplains. And it can be very frightening to be in the New York subway late at night.

But I would have considered my visit to the United States of America a failure were I not able to do two things: to see "The Phantom of the Opera" and "The Fiddler on the Roof" at Broadway; and, more importantly, to pray right at Ground Zero. I was able to accomplish both. My visit was truly memorable. It was certainly worth the trouble.

The Twin Towers that once dominated the Manhattan skyline are no longer there, but the emotion that emanates from the ground where they once stood is far from being zero. When I was there, the temperature was around 9*C but the memory of that fateful day in September continues to burn like coal up until today.

When I got at Ground Zero the first time, I came up from the subway right at the sidewalk where the Towers once stood. On top of the staircase I stood motionless and teary-eyed as I beheld right in front of me the proof of man's inhumanity to man. Slowly I went closer to the iron fence that surrounded Ground Zero and could not find any word to say even in prayer. The sight and the memory were truly and tremendously overpowering. It took me a very long while to be able to utter these words to the Lord, "Have mercy on us and give us Your peace." Then I started walking around the block as I prayed the rosary for the victims and for world peace.

I felt that my first visit was not enough. A day before I flew from New York to San Francisco, I decided to return to Ground Zero. I devoted my whole day there in prayer and reflection again. Throughout the day of that second visit, I spent hours inside the St. Paul Ecumenical Chapel across Ground Zero and still many hours either walking around the block where the World Trade Center once was or sitting at the park across the Century Mall absorbed in prayer. I was so absorbed in prayer that I did not notice how late it already was in the evening. Because I had a flight to catch early morning the following day, I had to drag my feet away from Ground Zero.

But there was certainly something at Ground Zero. There were many things at Ground Zero except zero. There were memories, emotions, tears, cries, prayers, pilgrims, and, yes, deafening silence, too. But something over and above these things caught my attention during my two visits there. There was a cross.

When the Towers collapsed several beams of the former buildings remained. One of those beams was fashioned into a cross that was left standing at the center of the spot we now qualify as "zero". It is not Ground Zero after all. There is a cross that rises from the ground. The cross is not a zero. The cross is a plus. The cross is the whole meaning of our life as followers of Jesus.

I do not know how the bereaved families of the victims of 9/11 can forgive those that hurt them so deeply and irrevocably. I do not know if any of those wives or husbands who lost their spouses, if any of those children who lost their parents, if any of those parents who lost their children, if any of those who lost their friend, fiancée, fellowmen in that terrorist attack already found peace - much more, forgiveness - in their hearts. I do not know if the losses caused by the 9/11 tragedy have already been restored. I do not know if the lives ruined were already rebuilt. I do not know if or when man's inhumanity to man will end. I do not know how an evil deed can be shamelessly claimed by religious fanatics as a deed done for the glory of the Supreme Being they adore and believe in. I do not know. But I know I saw a cross at Ground Zero.

It is always difficult to forgive. But the cross will help us. It is always easy to forget to forgive. But the cross will make us remember. It is always an act of dying to oneself to forgive. And He who hangs on the cross shows us that.

Today, we pray that the cross may help us to forgive. May we remember and see. May the Lord have mercy on us and give us peace. May we give mercy and make peace. May the cross that now stands at the center of Ground Zero remain, even when the Monument for Freedom that is proposed to rise there already exists. May the cross always pierce our hearts and never let them be another Ground Zero.

<3

i am happy today. happier than i've ever been in a looooong time :) i'm just cherishing the moment.. 'coz i don't know how long it will last.. and i don't know when i'll feel this way again. but at any rate, i'm learning to be grateful for every little blessing, for every good thing that comes my way. God does send beams of sunshine just when we need them most.. :)

do i dare get my hopes up? hmm. i don't know.. but for today, at least, i can smile. :) thank God for His blessings...

ALL OF MY LIFE

Come and lay here beside me
I'll tell you how I feel
There's a secret inside me I'm ready to reveal
To have you close, embrace your heart with my love over and over
These are things that I promise
My promise to you

CHORUS:
For all of my life you are the one,
i will love you faithfully forever
all of my life you are the one
I'll give to you my greatest love
for all of my life

Let me lay down beside you
There's something you should know
I pray that you decide to open your heart
and let me show enchanted worlds of fairy tales
a wonderland of love
these are things that I promise
my promise to you
(chorus )

all of my life
with all of my heart
these are things that I promise
(chorus)

a thousand questions

a big question mark. that's what on my mind right now. no, wait. not a big question mark.. but rather, thousands of little question marks. thousands of unanswered questions. thousands of little, nagging doubts and fears. all of them unknowable at this point. all of them scary. like tiny little fire ants slowly eating me up from the inside out.

but i won't even try to find the answers today. what's the point? i've tried that countless times before yet nothing happened. the thousand questions may one day be the end of me.. but they'll have to drag me kicking and screaming before i let them kill me now.

it may be a futile effort.. and yes, i do feel sort of hopeless. but there still is some dignity to never giving up the fight - whether it be for love, for sanity or for dear life. and while hope is yet elusive, i will continue to hold on to the last shreds of dignity i have...

in sanity

there's this pc game i've been hooked on for the past weeks. it's helped me maintain my sanity by keeping my mind off stuff i don't want to think about. so it is quite ironic that it's called "insaniquarium" hehe Ü


admittedly, it is quite time consuming; but heck.. i need to occupy myself with activities that do not remind me of heart-wrenching memories. hence the game. and the books. and other what-nots. i'm doing fine at the moment (so for all my concerned friends, not to worry.. i'm coping quite all right).. thanks in part to my virtual fish tank Ü

for those with a lot of time on their hands.. or for those who, like me, want to amuse themselves (even though it does seem pointless).. try this game out, haha =p

tipping point

my friend annalyn was supposed to read this book for her HRR. unfortunately for her, though, i got hold of the book (thanks, carl - though i know annalyn's supposed to be the one to thank you Ü).. and read the first few pages.. before she did. so i guess her HRR can wait.. until i finish this, at least, hehe =p

anyway, the book is nice because it makes you realize just how much impact a simple act can have. it is quite mind-boggling.. but at the same time, reading the book made me realize that indeed, one person does make a difference. i didn't think i'd enjoy reading a non-fiction book like this.. but i did Ü

although a lot of new theories and ideas are found in the TIPPING POINT, it is quite easy to understand. this is a good read for those who'd like to improve their social interaction skills - how to get their messages across, or maybe even have a better understanding of their personality.

songs, songs, songs...

sometimes you get tired of writing down your own words.. and then you hear your heart's cry from a stranger's lips. that's been happening a lot to me lately.. hence all these songs. time was when i couldn't understand why my some of my friends would post songs on their blogs. haha. now i know. (right, sanny? Ü)

lots of typos and wrong words here.. but who cares?! i get the gist of what these songs are saying. and though not every line applies to me.. i can truly relate.. *sigh*

==========================================

Can't Let You Go
(Cueshe)


I’ve been to many places
I’ve met different races
I’ve seen so many faces
But it’s you I can’t forget

I’ve been through high & low
Till I got no where to go
I got this funny feeling
That it’s you who I’m still missing

So baby c'mon
Don’t let this go
You know I love you so!
Don’t throw away
Let our love grow
I can’t let you go!

We’ve always been so strong
We almost had it all
Don’t give up now on me
Cause, we will always be

Let’s come to think of this
Look at all we could miss
I can’t let this happen
Cause it’s you
That I’ll always be loving

Jeepney
(Spongecola)

Bumaba ako sa jeepney
Kung saan tayo’y dating magkatabi
Magkahalik ang pisngi nating dal’wa
Nating dalawa

Panyo mo sa aking bulsa
Ang amoy mo’y naroon pa rin
Tawa nati’y humahalay
Sa init nating dalawa

Subalit ngayo’y wala na
Ikaw ay lumayo na

Naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
Naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan

Kulay ng iyong ngiti
Tikwas ng iyong buhok
At ang lambot ng iyong labi
Iyong labi

Kahit anino mo sa malayo
Ay nais masulyapan
Upang mapawi
Ang lamig

The Day You Said Goodnight
(Hale)

Take me as you are
Push me off the road
The sadness I need this time to be with you
I’m freezing in the sun
I’m burning in the rain
The silence is screaming
Calling out your name

And I do
Reside in your light
Put out the fire with me and find
Yeah you lose the side of your circles
That’s what I’ll do if we say goodbye

To be is all I got to be
And all that I see
And all that I need this time
To me the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight

The calmness in your face
That I see through the night
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us
You didn’t ask me why
I never would have known
Oblivion is falling down

If you could only know me
Like your prayers at night
then everything between you and me will be alright

He’s already taken, he’s already taken
He’s already taken me
The day you said goodnight

Stay
(Cueshe)

I believe
We shouldn’t let the moment pass us by
Life’s too short
We shouldn’t wait for the water to run dry

Think about it
Cause we only have one shot at destiny
All I’m asking
Could it possibly be you & me?

So if you’d still go, I’ll understand
Would you give me something just to hold on to?
And if you’ll stay, I’ll hold your hand
Cause I’m truly, madly, crazily in love with you

Time has come
For us to go, our separate ways
God forbid
But my mind is going crazy today

I feel so cold
Feel so numb I’m having nightmares but I’m awake
Help me Lord
Fight this loneliness
Take this pain away

Now that you’re gone, I’m all alone
I’m still hoping that you would come back home
Don’t care how long, but I’m willing to wait
Cause I’m truly, madly, crazily in love with you

blind

to acknowledge the shortcomings and yet accept each other.. to see the imperfections and yet be at peace.. to feel the hurts and pains and still be willing to walk hand in hand.. to know you are not perfect yet you can both be perfect for each other.

i don't think my love was blind. no.. my love is not blind. i hope neither is his..

=======================

Blind

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me dies when I let you go

fall to pieces

i like this song. never thought it would apply to me.. but i still like it just the same..

Fall To Pieces

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

wake me up when september ends

this song caught my attention. don't know why. probably just 'coz it talks about my month.. september.

at any rate, i guess the title applies to me, at least. i'll probably need a wakeup call again when september ends.. *sigh*


"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends


here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

treasures

"..you are more precious than silver.. you are more costly than gold.. you are more beautiful than diamonds.. and nothing i desire compares with you.." these are words from one of my favorite worship songs. it speaks about God's worthiness.. His incomparable value.. our one true Treasure. it's a wonderful love song to sing to God.. but it is even more wonderful to hear it sung back to me by the Lord..

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my treasure box is small - just about the size of a regular shoe box. it isn't glitzy, it isn't heavy. it isn't even locked. but my treasure box is the most important item in my room. what does it contain? hmm.. a small picture frame, an old candy wrapper, 4-year old pictures, a crushed flower, a small figurine, 2 diaries, music CDs, tiny books, silver rings, parking receipts, movie tickets, cards, a 3D dinosaur puzzle, a cassette tape letter, a circuit board and letters. my treasure box holds nothing that costs much. but all its contents are priceless. i would not trade any them for a million bucks.

what makes an item valuable? i thought about this as i was looking through my treasure box. i stare at the crumpled and worn parking receipts and wonder why i am so attached to them. yet as i look at the various knickknacks in front of me, i immediately know why i've kept these odds and ends all these years: they are valuable because the person who gave them is special to me. they are my treasures because they hold a special place in my heart. the contents of my treasure box are priceless because i choose to make them so.
=================================================

i am like one of the parking receipts in my treasure box - worn, ordinary and sometimes even crumpled and dirty. i do not have millions, nor do i have any extraordinary beauty. i possess no unique skill or talent, and i am not exactly the best at anything at the moment. nevertheless, i know that i am a treasure - His treasure. i don't know what He sees in me.. and until now it is hard to comprehend His unconditional and unfailing love. but He whispers, "you are priceless because I choose to make you so. you are my treasure, you hold a special place in my heart. you have value because of Me.."

i have never thought of myself as being "more precious than silver".. but perhaps bit by bit, the Lord is teaching me, not only to make this my love song to Him, but to accept it as His love song to me.. Ü

X-I

deargodplstakemeicanttakedpainanymoreitriedtolivew/thisbutijustcantgoonanymoreidontknowwhattodoandidontknowwhoelsetoturnto
iknowitsmyfaultandiknowimtoblameivetriedtolookatthebrightsideandivetriedtobehopefulbutrightnowijusthurtsomuchthaticannotimagine
thingscouldevergetanyworsenorcaniimaginehowthingscaneverbeanybetterformeiknowishouldbestrongandiknowishouldgoonbuthowdoidothat
whenicantfindthestrengthandwheneverythingjustseemstopititselfagainstmeevenmyveryselfifikeeponstrugglingikeepongettinghurtbutidont
wanttogiveuponhimcozatthemomentthatstheonlythingthatmakesmehappythatmakesmesaneandtogiveuphopingisalmostthesameasgivingup
onlifeitselfandiguessthatsjustwhatimthinkingofimtoomuchofacowardtotakemyownlifeandidontwanttosinagainstyouanymoresoimwritingtoyou
nowdearlordplsmakeallthispainstopcozicantbearitanymoreivetriedeverythingicouldthinkofandyetnothingseemstoworknothingicansayordocan
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iholdnothingandifeelihavenothinglefttoloseyouremyonlyrefugeandyeticannotfeelyouineedhimlordgodandineedyouplshearmyprayerjesusamen

the missing piece meets the big O

this is the "sequel" to THE MISSING PIECE (read the previous blog post)... the one that was left behind on the side of the road.

i highly recommend this book - though it is quite pricey. it is best read with the illustrations. anyway, got this from teary.com... maybe you'll enjoy it just the same :)

================================================

The missing piece sat alone…

waiting for someone to come along and take it somewhere,

Some fit… but could not roll.

Others could roll but did not fit.

One didn’t know a thing about fitting.

And another didn’t know a thing about anything.

One was too delicate.

One put it on a pedestal… and left it there.

Some had too many pieces missing.

Some had too many pieces, period.

It learned to hide from the hungry ones.

More came. Some looked too closely.

Others rolled by without noticing.

It tried to make itself more attractive…

It didn’t help.

It tried being flashy

but that just frightened away the shy ones.

At last one came along that fit just right.

But all of a sudden…

the missing piece began to grow!

and grow!

“I didn’t know you were going to grow.”

“I didn’t know it either,” said the missing piece.

“I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece, one that won’t increase…”

*sigh*

And then one day, one came along who looked different.

“What do you want of me? asked the missing piece.

“Nothing.”

“What do you need from me?”

“Nothing.”

“Who are you?” asked the missing piece.

“I am the Big O,” said the Big O.

“I think you are the one I have been waiting for,” said the missing piece. “Maybe I am your missing piece.”

“But I am not missing a piece,” said the Big O. “There is no place you would fit.”

“That is too bad,” said the missing piece. “I was hoping that perhaps I could roll with you…”

“You cannot roll with me,” said the Big O, “but perhaps you can roll by yourself.”

“By myself? A missing piece cannot roll by itself.”

“Have you ever tried?” asked the Big O.

“But I have sharp corners,” said the missing piece. “I am not shaped for rolling.”

“Corners wear off,” said the Big O, “and shapes change.

Anyhow, I must say good-bye. Perhaps we will meet again…”

And away it rolled.

The missing piece was alone again.

For a long time it just sat there.

Then… slowly… it lifted itself up on one end…

… and flopped over.

Then lift… pull… flop… it began to move forward.

And soon its edges began to wear off…

liftpullflopliftpullflop…

and its shape began to change…

and then it was bumping instead of flopping…

and then it was bouncing instead of bumping…

and then it was rolling instead of bouncing…

And it didn’t know where and it didn’t care.

It was rolling!

ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ

the missing piece

i've long been wanting to get a copy of shel silverstein's THE MISSING PIECE, THE MISSING PIECE MEETS THE BIG O and THE GIVING TREE. though these are labeled "children's books," the short, simple stories are surprisingly profound.

got this from the net just now
(see http://home.earthlink.net/~foodforthought2/id119.html), and i'm posting it here - some deep thoughts gleaned from a children's book. just goes to show that valuable things can and sometimes do come from "small" packages :)

==================================================
THE MISSING PIECE By Shel Silverstein, (cited in Connections, 10/97)

"Once there was a circle that was missing. A large triangular wedge had been cut out of it. The circle wanted to be whole, with nothing missing, so it went around and around looking for its missing piece. But because it was incomplete, it could only roll very slowly as it rolled throughout the world.

But as it rolled slowly, it admired the flowers along the way. It chatted with butterflies. It enjoyed the warm sunshine. It found lots of pieces, but none of them fit. Some were too big and some were to small. Some were too square and some too pointy. So it left them by the side of the road and kept on searching.

Then one day the circle found a piece that fit perfectly. It was so happy. Now it could be whole, with nothing missing. With the replacement piece in place, the now perfect circle could roll along very fast, but too fast to notice the flowerd, too fast to talk to the butterflies.

When it realized how different the world seemed when it rolled along so quickly, the circle stopped, left its newfound piece by the side of the road, and rolled slowly away, looking for its missing peice."


APPLICATION In some strange sense, we are more whole when we are incomplete. The individual who has everything is in some ways poor. The "rich" will never know what it feels like to yearn, to hope, to nourich the soul with the dream of something better, to have someone love him/her enough to give the "rich" something priceless of themselves.

As the rich young man in the gospel could not understand, there is a wholeness to those who can give themselves away, who can give their time, money and strngth to others and not feel diminished in doing so. There is a wholenness to those who can accept their limitations, who have learned that they are strong enough to go through a tragedy and survive, who can lose something or someone and still feel complete.

May we possess faith strong enough to accept ourselves as poor and incomplete in the estimation of the world but whole and rich in the treasures of God.

==================================================

what are *your* thoughts on THE MISSING PIECE? share your comments with others.. post them at the comments link below :) and i encourage everyone to read the other two books, as well. i'm sure you'll get a lot of insights from them too..