miss fortune

"Listen to the wisdom of the old and you will grow old with wisdom." so says my fortune cookie for the day Ü hmm. i don't know a lot of old people.. but i guess that is just the exact piece of advice i need to hear at the moment Ü thanks to the wisdom of whoever wrote those words in the fortune cookie hehe Ü

anyway.. i love fortune cookies. always been fascinated with them. they have that certain air of mystery. there's a kind of excitement and anticipation before you break open the cookie.. not knowing what advice or warning you will get. a dose of wisdom.. with a cookie to boot! Ü makes it a lot easier to take the advice, hehe.

i've been getting all sorts of "words of wisdom" lately - from friends, readings, talks and yes, the Bible. but i've been justifying myself a lot, too.. not entirely willing to agree with them at all points. i suppose advice is easier to give than to follow. hmm. i guess my fortune cookie message was very timely indeed.

from now on, i'll try to pay more attention to the advice of the people around me. after all, i do want to grow old with wisdom.. Ü

random

at the moment my mind is racing so fast that i can't keep up with my own thoughts. too many things in my head clamoring for attention. i'm finding it hard to focus on any particular thought. hence, another blog post.

what's in my head? hmm.. no, not deadlines or anything. not yet, at least. i've finished my grades and finished checking the seatwork i gave my class yesterday. i don't really have any chores to do. i'm not bothered, either.. nor sad (yet).. nor lonely. i just feel my mind is filling up with junk hehe. random thoughts. random whispers from the subconscious.

it's late in the AM and i need to go to work now. darn. hopefully by the time i get there i'd have been able to sort all the randomness in my mind. *sigh* i wish my brain would stop thinking too much..

odds & ends

odd things that happened to me lately:

(1) the best lunch i had was pancakes and maple syrup. yup. lunch. and dinner, in fact. never knew that *real* maple syrup tasted so much better than the maple-flavored syrups in groceries. yummy!

(2) almost nobody at school was concentrating on their lessons. everybody wanted to practice for the sayawit. hmm. the school was in some kind of "celebratory" mood the entire week.

(3) due to the irregular classes, half the time i couldn't remember what day it was.. and the rest of the time, i don't think anybody else does Ü not that anyone really cared.. hehehe Ü

(4) i went through friday the 26th in a daze.. not crying, but not smiling. it was really odd spending the day all by my lonesome.. and not seeing him at all. but i was able to cope. managed myself quite well, actually.. under the circumstances.

(5) choir practice was held not on the usual saturday morning, but on friday. i wasn't there, though.. and it felt kinda weird. no regrets.. but it still felt odd, not being at practice. hehe, at least i was able to rest.. sort of.. Ü

(6) i went to a retreat i never planned to go to. i enjoyed myself a lot.. and i really benefited from it (read my post, "amazing grace"). nevertheless, the impact it had on me was unexpected.

(7) my sunday was unusual, as i left megamall early (read: before 3pm). dad and i attended a fellowship/bday party. it was ok. strangely, i had fun at the party.. and i was able to spend some time with a friend i haven't talked to for a long time Ü

(8) found out we wouldn't have classes *again* today (monday). great. i'm grateful for the rest day.. had a hectic weekend, after all. but i'm really beginning to worry 'bout my MTh classes (wonder if my students feel the same, too hehehe Ü)

(9) ney spent an entire day with me today ÜÜÜ a couple of weeks ago, this would not be out of the ordinary, but given the situation right now, this is surprisingly (but very happily) odd. THANK GOD FOR NO CLASSES!!! Ü

(10) i was able to cook a decent caldereta for ney today Ü now, anyone who knows me well would definitely say that's weird, haha. i don't cook. never did like it.. but today, i really enjoyed being in the kitchen with ney Ü oh.. and we made a decent ref cake too! Ü

so much for the odd things. happily odd things, i may say Ü now's the start of another week. i don't mind more weird stuff coming my way. i just hope the happiness does not end.. not even after two months.. Ü

TRIVIA #8: My Number & Element

What Number Are You?

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What's Your Element?

Your Element Is Water

A bit of a contradiction, you can seem both lighthearted and serious. That's because you're good at going with the flow - but you also are deep. Highly intuitive, you tune in to people's emotions and moods easily. You are able to tap into deep emotional connections and connect with others. You prefer a smooth, harmonious life - but you can navigate your way around waves. You have a knack for getting people to get along and making life a little more peaceful.

TRIVIA #7: My Birthdate and Name

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Birthdate: September 27

Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path. Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate. There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do. This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative. You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends. You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

What Does Your Name Mean?

ROSELLE
R	is for	Relaxing
O	is for	Odd
S	is for	Spunky
E	is for	Earthy
L	is for	Liberal
L	is for	Luxurious
E	is for	Easy

haha.. not bad, not bad Ü i agree with the one about my birthdate. seems pretty accurate enough.. for a blog test, that is, hehe.

amazing grace

going to Rivers' open retreat today was not exactly part of my agenda for the weekend. i had originally planned to spend my saturday at home - catching up on my reading, doing the crossword puzzles, watching spongebob (hehe one of my many quirks), surfing the net and playing pc games. but though i did not really count on attending the retreat, i found myself at the RFM auditorium at 8.30am.. listening to bro. arun gogna share his insights on God's love.
i've attended countless retreats and recollections. in my more than 10 years in the community, i've heard hundreds of talks and teachings about God's love. i've read books, i've heard testimonies, i've even shared some of my experiences with some of my brothers and sisters in the community. but after attending the open retreat, i realized that the Lord is not yet finished introducing Himself to me. i will always find out something new about Him.. about His relationship with me.

when i was new in the community, i was zealous in my service. i was on fire for the Lord. i was joyful.. always basking in His presence. i was certain of His love for me.. and i knew that nothing could get in the way of my loving Him back. but as time passed, and i experienced various trials, disappointments, frustrations and failures.. as the seasons of spiritual dryness and burnout came.. i started doubting the reality of my being God's child. 10 years ago i knew in my heart and in my mind that i was special to the Lord. but now.. after undergoing so many tests, and after failing and falling so many times, in spite of the fact that i belonged in a Christian community.. i just was not sure if i was worthy to be called His daughter.

and then.. the Lord spoke to me. not through a disembodied voice.. but He told me what He wanted me to hear through bro. arun gogna and fr. bobby titco. God talked to me during the retreat. His message to me was simple: I LOVE YOU. i love you not because of what you do for Me.. not because of who you or others think you are. i love you. period. no conditions necessary. no questions asked.

my heart was struggling all throughout the retreat. i clung to God's message to me.. and yet at the same time i was afraid. i never realized how scary it was to be loved unconditionally. to be loved in spite of who i was. it was so mind-boggling to know, deep in my heart, that He has been aware of all my sins even before i was born.. and yet was willing to give up His only Son for me. specially for me. and i realized that God was telling me that i should learn to accept myself, too. that i should learn to love myself.. the way He loves me.

God's love. it is so unfathomable. so wondrous. so beautiful. it is the kind of love that cleanses and purifies. but it isn't simply a "feel good" kind of love that makes you feel giddy all over. it is the kind that effects change in you - slowly but surely. the stubborn kind of love that simply would not let go. the kind of love that is pervasive.. that makes you see yourself for who you really are: sinful yet forgiven; deficient yet blessed; weak yet able. LOVED tremendously.

nothing says it better than the song fr. bobby asked all of us to sing:

amazing grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost but now i'm found
was blind but now i see

t'was grace that taught my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved
how precious did that grace appear
the hour i first believed

through many trials, storms and snares
i have already come
t'was grace that brought me safe thus far
and grace will lead me home..

this is MY song now. i am accepted for who i am. i am loved unconditionally.. immensely. and because He has loved me first.. i cannot help but love Him too. Ü

TRIVIA # 6: My Personality Type

What's Your Personality Type?

Your #1 Match: ISFP

The Artist You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now). You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children. Simply put, you enjoy beauty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life. Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs. You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer.

Your #2 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you are very loyal. A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

Your #3 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

ok fine.. i couldn't help but post this one too.. =p cool.. Ü

and check this one out...

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Musical Intelligence

Every part of your life has a beat, and you're often tapping your fingers or toes. You enjoy sounds of all types, but you also find sound can distract you at the wrong time. You are probably a gifted musician of some sort - even if you haven't realized it. Also a music lover, you tend to appreciate artists of all kinds. You would make a great musician, disc jockey, singer, or composer.

seems i should have taken up music instead of math.. hahahaha Ü

TRIVIA # 5: My Thinking Style

What's Your Thinking Style?

Your Dominant Thinking Style:

Experimenting You're all about looking at the facts, and you could always use more of them. You see life as your lab - and you're always trying out new things, people, and ideas. The master of mix and match, you're always coming up with unique combinations. You are good at getting a group to reach consensus.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:

Visioning You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

hmm.. i wonder if this is true. haha.. guess i've had enough of these blog tests for now. [oliver, this is all *your* fault hahahaha] more to come next time..

TRIVIA # 4: Shortest Personality Test

The World's Shortest Personality Test

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

You are nurturing, kind, and lucky. Like mother nature, you want to help everyone. You are good at keeping secrets and tend to be secretive. A seeker of harmony, you are a natural peacemaker. You are good natured and people enjoy your company. You put people at ease and make them feel at home with you.

well, what can i say?! the test speaks for itself.. Ü and i guess my friends can attest to the truth of what's written here hahahaha.. especially about the "freak flags" every once in a while.. Ü

TRIVIA # 3: My Hidden Talent

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

haha.. so i have a knack for thwarting the system?! i'll probably be great at being a spy or something, since "no one really notices" haha =p these tests are sooo addicting.. hahahaha

TRIVIA # 2: Left or Right

Are You Right or Left Brained?

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

hmm, ok.. so i still don't know whether i'm left or right brained. stuck in the middle. wonder why i often find myself in these situations.. Ü

TRIVIA # 1: IQ test result hehe

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Your IQ Is 120

Your Logical Intelligence is Genius Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Above Average

took the "IQ test" above just for kicks (as recommended by my good friend, oliver hehe). it was fun. too bad my mathematical intelligence is just above average (haha.. wonder what my students will think of me now =p)

shallow water

just want to share with you a song that always plays in my head. i love the lyrics.. wish i could come up with something like this someday.. Ü

===================================================
take me out of the shallow water
where i can stand on my own
carry me over the deepest part
i trust in You alone
if holding You is a weakness
don't let me be so strong
take me out of the shallow water
in Your arms is where i belong..

VIII/XXVI (50)

tomorrow was supposed to have been a significant day. a special day. but in light of recent events, tomorrow will be just another one of those ordinary days. nothing significant about it.. nothing special.

i erased the special reminder on my calendar.. i changed the plans i originally made for the day. i bought no cards.. i did not look for token gifts. i probably will not be meeting anybody special tomorrow either.

i thought that i'd take it hard. i thought this would bring another onslaught of tears. i don't know about tomorrow.. but right now, i'm doing just fine. i'm not exactly jumping up and down for joy.. but neither am i crying myself to sleep. i've felt better.. but i'm not at my worst. in other words, i'm ok Ü

maybe it's because he's still here. not just in my heart.. but beside me as well. his shoulder is still mine to lean on.. his hands still wipe away the tears.. and his fingers, at times, still hold mine. he's no longer mine.. but he still gives of himself freely. hmm. like we said, "it's complicated." Ü

tomorrow was supposed to have been a significant day. but who knows.. perhaps tomorrow will still be special. and if it doesn't turn out quite the way i expect it to.. i know there will be other "tomorrows" waiting especially for me.. Ü

this post is dedicated to you, ney. have an especially happy day tomorrow on our non-occasion hehe Ü thanks a lot for making this day memorable Ü

hidden

[ just thought i'd write these down. no, i'm not feeling particularly sad. not anymore, at least Ü but this blog is about random thoughts and ramblings, after all.. so i thought i'd share this with you.. Ü ]

i hear your words.. but i listen to what you do not say
i gaze at your smile.. but also see the unshed tears
i enjoy your written letters.. but read between the lines
i hold your hand.. but am aware of the ringless finger
i embrace you tightly.. but i know that part of you has let go

but they no longer matter to me,
the silent parts
for the mind is no longer blind
and the heart no longer numb
they now act more wisely..
give more freely..
and hold you more dearly

i see. i feel. i hear. i touch.
and i know..
that which is left unsaid
still speaks the loudest

from SANNY

got this friendster message from my good pal sanny.
made me smile so i'm posting it here verbatim hehehe
(hope you don't mind, sanny.. Ü)

======================================
to roxy (formerly ROX) i didikit this song by plumb.
For you and your newly found solitude. enjoy and
happy loneliness!!! <------ (what an oxymoron ~roxy)

Here With Me

In my head I have dreams
I have visions of many things
Questions, longings in my mind

Pictures fill my head
I feel so trapped instead but
Trapped doesn't seem so bad
'Cause You are here

It doesn't mean anything
Without You here with me
And I can try to justify
But I still need You here with me

In my heart I had hope
Built on dreams I'll never know
Answers to love left behind

Visions filled my head
I felt so trapped instead but
Trapped didn't seem so bad
'Cause You were near

It doesn't mean anything
Without You here with me
And I can try to justify
But I still need You here with me

I can't do anything without You
You give me strength to do anything
I can't be everything I try to
You saved me from the everything
I couldn't be

It doesn't mean anything
Without You here with me
And I can try to justify
But I still need You here with me

It doesn't mean anything
Without You here with me
'Cause after all is said and done
I still need You here with me

Need You here with me
I need You here with me

another listing of 10 things

enough with overly-serious blog posts. i want something light.. something that does not require much introspection.. something that i can type in only a couple of short minutes (coz i need to get back to work asap hehe).

so i'm back to writing my list. here's my:

10 THINGS I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW (not written in order of preference)

1. sleep! hehe.. i dunno, but i've been feeling really sleepy lately. maybe this is some kind of remnant from my emotional roller coaster the past days..

2. walk in the rain. i miss strolling around campus under a gentle rainfall. i wish i'd have the chance to do that again. besides, i could use the exercise.. Ü

3. write a song. this has been a dream of mine since i was small (er, ok.. smallER hehe). one very big frustration of mine.. but i'm not giving up on it just yet, hehe (right, ney?! Ü)

4. be around flowers. i just love flowers! i enjoy looking at them.. smelling them. i'm always torn between picking them for myself or letting them remain planted for others to see and touch.

5. go to the UP chapel. it's been a while since i last dropped by that place. i know i can pray anywhere.. but being at the chapel relaxes me and brings back good memories. maybe he and i can go there again sometime soon.. Ü

6. read a good book. nothing opens up the mind fires the imagination like a good read. unfortunately, at this time, i am hurrying to finish my grades (plus, i can't decide what book to read - does anyone have any suggestion?!) so i suppose i'll have to do this some other time..

7. learn to cook. funny how circumstances can make you want to do something you previously were not interested in. hmmm... Ü

8. meet with friends. i've been talking to a lot of my friends lately. not just to unburden myself. but it's really good to reconnect with other people.. reestablish contacts once again

9. play a musical instrument. ok, ok.. so i'm a frustrated musician. i can read notes and hum tunes.. i sing in a choir.. but i don't really know how to *play.* tried to learn the piano when i was a kid.. but the teacher sucked and i never learned. wish i could play the violin.. or the guitar.. (hint hint, ney.. hehe Ü)

10. meet my best friend. i know he's busy (God bless in the exam!!) and i miss him a lot.. so i want to see him right now. but i suppose we can't meet today since there are tons of things to do :( but that's ok.. 'coz i know we'll still keep in touch. and maybe the temporary absence will make our hearts grow fonder.. Ü

piano keys

sadness.. sorrow.. loneliness.. hurt. nobody really likes to experience any of these; but everybody goes through tough, trying times. the difficulties may come in different guises for different people; but everyone who has ever lived on this planet passes through moments of anguish.

i have had my share of personal trials. joining a Christian community did not spare me from any difficulty - spiritual or otherwise. in fact, i guess i could say that a lot of the tests and trials i have had to endure came to me when i started the Christian walk.
just recently, i experienced another painful "turning point" in my life. in that moment of doubt and confusion, i asked the Lord how He could allow me to go through so much pain. i wondered how much more i could bear. i questioned if He was listening to me.. if He even cared.

but God did listen.. and He did care. He knew how much sorrow i could endure. during those moments when i felt i could no longer take the pain, the Lord would make His presence felt: a simple text message.. an unexpected visit from a friend.. a gentle rainfall.. a special song on the radio.. even a timely quote from a fortune cookie. not exactly what others would call miracles. just ordinary, mundane everyday things.. that became special to me because He sent them at the time i needed them most.

right now, i am a lot better. i have peace.. i have hope. i'm sure the Lord has His reasons for allowing me to go through my dark moments. maybe because of the pain, i will learn to seek Him more. perhaps because of the experience, i will become a better person - more mature, more trustworthy, more disciplined. perhaps because of what happened, i will learn to trust in Him more.. be able to listen to Him even when He is silent. maybe i still have to learn a lot of things.. maybe i still need to grow in so many ways.

a friend sent me this text message once:
"Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black keys show sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also create music."

and i guess he is right. there are a lot of white keys in my life.. a lot of reasons to be grateful to God. He may have allowed a few black keys to be played.. but the Lord has always used them to create wonderful melodies in my heart. and i know, in time, the Great Composer will allow me to hear the beautiful song that He has made me into.. Ü

love written on sand

i used to think that love was best written in stone. solid. constant. unchanging. hard. steadfast. i thought that the best way to show true love was to never be affected by circumstances.. to always trust.. to forgive, accept and understand at all times, at all cost.

but now i know that love written on sand is just as true.. if not more so. for when the waves of trials come.. when trust is broken.. when forgiveness, acceptance and understanding are so difficult to give.. then the re-writing of love becomes more meaningful. more sincere. more aware. more pure.

our love was written on sand. and the waters of doubt and indecision threatened to wash it away. but not-so-faint heartprints still remain on the shore. and hopefully in time.. we'll write our love again.. on sand or in stone. in whatever medium we choose to write it in.. more clearly.. more deeply.

first

first impression. first crush. first love. first kiss. first broken heart. first reconciliation. first anniversary. first child. first words. first steps.

we always put a premium on "firsts." it's as if there is an exclusive portion of our brain dedicated to all the firsts we've ever experienced. what makes these firsts so special.. so memorable? perhaps it's because the firsts are always the most difficult to do.

====================================================
the first step to my healing happened yesterday. after 36 hours of officially being "single" again, i met with him again. it was difficult.. being in a place where everything reminded me of him.. not knowing what to expect.. unsure whether he would welcome my presence or not.. not trusting in my ability to hold back the tears. it was extremely paintful.. but it had to be done. we needed to talk. to tell each other everything. to be totally honest about our shortcomings.. our expectations.. our feelings of hurt, betrayal and even love.

it's one thing to open up to a lover. it's another thing to open up to someone who used to be yours. but perhaps through prayer and God's guidance.. aided by four years of happy togetherness.. what i thought would be one of the most painful things i would have to go through turned out to be the first step in my journey to healing. it was difficult to start. but once we began.. it seemed as if the heavy weight in our hearts were eased bit by bit until in the end, we were crying no longer tears of sadness, but tears of gratitude.
====================================================

today is another first. our first day of building new memories. our first gimik as a "single couple" (go figure - as our friendster status declares, "it's complicated" hehe). things are different now.. but it is as if nothing has changed. sure, we have no commitments (for now, at least). but the love.. the care.. the friendship.. they're all still there. and as we together add new memories, it gets easier to look at the past without bitterness.. and easier to look to the future with renewed hope Ü

thank you for unbreaking my heart. thank you for the new memories. thank you for the renewed trust. thank you for the chance to grow. thank you for being open to another chance. thank you for the new hope. thanks, ney, for everything.. Ü

a reason to smile

i know the past days have been terribly rough for me. there was no sunlight. there was no rain. there was nothing but blackness. but now, bit by bit, pinpricks of light are starting to shine through. perhaps i only saw darkness because i refused to look at anything else. now, one step at a time, i'm learning to open my eyes.. to get used to the light again.

=================================================
you were very special to me. my world revolved around you. i loved being with you. just the two of us. nothing and no one else mattered. but you are right. we need space to grow. we need wings to fly. we need other hands to hold. we need other hearts to cherish. and then, in the end, when we've wandered far and wide.. when we've gotten to know the world.. if in our hearts we know that we are still meant for each other.. then love will be lovelier the second time around =)
=================================================

he's still special to me. i still love being with him. but my world no longer can revolve around him. there are moments when it does.. but i try hard not to let that happen often. there are other people who matter.. other things to do. there are many opportunities ahead.. many responsibilities to fulfill.. many lessons to learn.

=================================================
i used to be afraid of all these things. i did not want to face the challenges i knew were waiting for me just around the corner. i thought i'd have to face them all alone. i thought i'd have to battle the hurt, the pain and the confusion by myself.

but now i know that you're still here.. no longer a lover.. yet always a partner. now i have found new courage. now i have found new hope. now i have found a reason to smile Ü
=================================================

he's no longer my boyfriend. but he is still my "special someone" - my best friend. and that's more than enough for me right now Ü

circle of light

for the past days, i have been going through the blackest moments of my life. everything from "what ifs" to regret to guilt.. just about all the bad things you could think about.. hounded me. i couldn't find solace. i prayed.. but God was silent. or maybe i was too deaf to hear. perhaps i refused to listen. i've cried rivers of tears. wrote and said out loud every conceivable plea for mercy.. for peace. i tried practically everything i could think of just to ease the pain..

but everything comes full circle. it's ironic how you find the most precious gifts in the most unlikely places. my honey of four years.. who broke up with me.. who set me free 3 days ago. who would have thought i'd find my peace.. my refuge in him today? after all the hurt and pain.. who would believe that we could still be such best friends? openly acknowledging the mistakes.. the misery.. the love. being able to wish one another well.. giving support.. encouragement.. hope.

it is now easier to thank him for the past years. easier to acknowledge the possibility of meeting others. easier to accept the failures. easier to forgive one another. easier to give freedom. these things are still difficult to do. the memories still leave a bitter taste in the mouth. but it gets easier.. one step at a time.

am i okay now? i think so. will i be okay tomorrow? maybe. maybe not. but i now have what i did not have then - hope. i don't really know what the future holds for me.. for him.. for us. but after today, after experiencing the first soothing drops of healing tears from both our eyes.. i'm thinking that maybe things will turn out quite all right, eventually.

and in the end.. who knows.. maybe we'll still come full circle.. to be with each other.. this time truly for keeps.. =)

memories

duckpin bowling.strolls around the campus.soft rain.ducks in the lagoon.back of the cs audi.nerds candy.m&m's with rice crispies.sm north.first seven days.chameleon-like violet blouse.first shared journal.crying sessions.kfc katips.single rose.two rings.nervous lunch.bday celebration.figurines.jeepney rides.math canteen.upis.nde292.giant christmas cards.water pitcher.strawberries and champagne lotion.picture frame.red and white zip-up jacket.opening doors.funny-smelling xerox machines.cockroach in the shoe.house sketch on tissue paper.umbrella for two.hands.serious talks.hugs & kisses.megamall.LSS.rush hour.lunches at parking lot.spiders.jbee trips.monthly cards.short love notes.mirror writing.flower picking.iced tea talks.new generation quarrels.cellular phones.shirts.shopping gimmicks.MRT rides.parties.sm fairview.valentine tears.broken heart necklace.special keychains.neoprint.second journal.yahtzee.bears.robinsons metro east.cute little red devil.angel coin bank.matching bags.tall best friend glass.gateway mall.same shirts - white & blue.beerkada.aberdeen.baywalk.music cd's.online chats.st. paul makati.philman office.lot payments.bpi.KA lounge.cleaning sessions.choir pals.family gatherings.phone calls.starbucks.friends.glorietta.jelly.overnight stay.borrowed phone.pldt.email.write place.laser.h2g2.burgoo.almon marina.first bouquet.new rings.friendster.testimonials.blah bday.max's katips.nonexistent card or letter.unfinished scrapbook.blank photo album.blog posts.single red rose.lunch.belated gift.brown paper bag.giant sorry card.tears.tears.tears.ringless hands.dry eyes.torn hearts.

==================================================

still too much in the heart yet left unsaid, unwritten. i still want to add to these memories.. ='(

indecision

i woke up today with a barrage of decisions waiting to be made. to get up from bed or to remain in the comfort of dreams. to face the challenges of work or to stay pampered at home. to keep in touch or to stay silent. to ask for help or to bear my cross alone. to end all pain.. or to continue living with the pain.

a myriad choices. i used to be able to decide matters quickly. some would say impulsive. i could multi-task.. finish a lot of things in one sitting. be productive. creative. useful.

but now.. i am paralyzed by indecision. could not decide what to do. could not think of a place to hide from my pain. could not even decide whether to drive or to walk around campus. everywhere i turn, i see unwelcome memories vividly coming to life.

the biggest decision.. the most crucial one.. the choice that could change a life.. two lives.. is not even mine to make. and stupid as it may be.. i rack my brains out, hoping to find a way to make that decision myself.. though i know it just is not possible.

"..ang electron na may energy na 26EV harangan ng maliit na 2EV hump may probability pa din na mareflect.."

weird words.. but the only ones that give me strength and hope right now.

two months too long. this is getting a lot more difficult as time goes by..

phoenix

i am a phoenix. each day dying.. each day being reborn. i never wanted to be this way. but circumstances.. the choices i made.. they all contributed to the kind of being i am now. fiery. non-human. constantly in pain. anticipating death. ever-dying but ever-living.

================================================
he let me go. it's just as well. perhaps there really is a better future for us. for him. for me. a friend
told me last night that "God has something more for you now." maybe He has. i pray He does. it's the only bit of light in my blackness. the only hope i have.

in a couple of months.. or maybe in a few years' time.. i may read this blog post again and be able to smile. someday i may be able to remember all the memories without bitterness. someday i may once again be able to say "no regrets." someday i may allow the rain to comfort me once more. someday perhaps the missing pieces in the puzzle of my life will be returned to me. someday.

but for now, i embrace the pain and the hurt. i let the agony and despair be my companions. i allow the sorrow and loneliness to wash over me. and in my suffering.. i look for the mirror that would reflect the current state of my heart and soul.

then maybe someday.. i will be purified. my heart would be undivided. my soul would be cleansed. my mind would be free.
================================================

the phoenix is slowly dying now. but someday.. it will rise again.. with tears of healing.. with renewed fire.. once more reborn.

to ______________

i wrote this poem october 23, 2001.. at a time when i was fighting for what i felt was truly for me. at a time when those dearest to me kept their distance because of a choice i made.

now, four years later, i find myself staring at the same lines but with a different heart. broken in a different way..

YOU KNOW THE PAIN IS TOO GREAT
.. when the tears would no longer come
and the eyes that cried a river
now refuse to shed even a tiny drop
to soothe the hurt inside

.. when the heart stops beating
and the quick thump-thump drumming
that used to fill you
suddenly comes to an abrupt stillness

.. when the lips stop moving
and all the words - hateful, contrite,
angry or placating
are all brought to submission by the
eerie noise of silence

.. when all the feeling is numbed
and the tempestuous storms of hate
and anger and hurt and fear
are brought to nought
and all that remains is cold emptiness

.. when life loses meaning
and the memories of all the flowers
you ever stopped to smell
become but withered petals, strewn about
and trampled on

.. when death becomes your only rescue
and the enemy once feared is now
the only friend to welcome you
into its sweet, sweet nothingness

B L A C K

I. blackness. that is all i can think of right now. i don't want to hear music. i don't want to see the stars. i don't want the comfort of the rain. heck i don't even wanna watch csi. yup. it's that bad. i feel.. but i don't want to feel anything at all. i am hurting so bad that i'm almost numb. almost. but not quite.

there's a certain kind of pain.. a certain kind of hurt.. that squeezes the heart and numbs it. kind of like when you put your finger into dry ice. it's so cold that after a while you don't feel your finger anymore. an initial stabbing shock.. that in time just freezes everything. making it numb. slowly killing it.

II. it's weird but it seems that everything i've been writing down these past weeks - be it in this blog or otherwise - they all either come true, or become connected to events that happen to me. i talked about killing time.. mastering it.. controling it.. being able to go back to any point in my life to correct my mistakes, to rectify wrongdoings. how i wish i could do that now. i desperately need to do that now. unfortunately i can't. hence the blackness.

III. funny thing about the night. there is no such thing as absolute darkness. others take this to mean there's always light, no matter how faint. i take it to mean that things are never so bad that they can't get any worse. blue turns to grey. grey turns to black. and black.. it can always turn a shade darker. always.

IV. i write when i'm in pain. and given the amount of stuff i've been posting these past days, i suppose i've been hurting for quite a while. but this time.. well, this time is different. black. nothing but blackness for me. black like the loss of all hope. black like the shattering of all dreams. black like death.

V. death. hmm. maybe it's not that bad. freedom from all suffering. freedom from all pain. freedom from worries and hurts. freedom from everything.

but what if you don't want to be free? what if you don't want to be set free? what if you would rather hurt.. if you would rather go through all the pain and suffering just to belong to somebody else? just so you would not be free?

VI. a friend of mine once tried to end her life. she had guts. i don't. the thought of killing myself never appealed to me. too scared. thankfully - i guess. but i've prayed for it to come. not often. just at some crucial points in my life - when things become too difficult to bear. when there is no one to turn to. when the only person i need could not be there for me. when i am not wholly alone. when God seems silent. when my missing half returns with him.. only to be given back to me.. maybe forever.

i've prayed for a lot of things in my life. a lot of them, God granted. some.. well, maybe He eventually will. i don't know when all this pain will end. God knows. only He knows..

==================================================
yes i have posted something before the "dotted line" above. but it's black. all black.

killing time

i've always wondered where the phrase "killing time" came from. for one thing, it's never a good idea to *kill* anything (too violent.. too final). and another, from what i understand, only things with life can be killed. and time isn't exactly a living, breathing organism so it's kinda hard to kill.

okay, so clearly i have lots of time on my hands right now. i don't have anything to do at the moment so i'm posting more thoughts here. well, actually, i do have a lot of things lined up to do.. i just don't wanna do them now haha.

=============================================
right now, i'm killing time. at present, i am my usual oh-so-bored self (hence the grey font color, in spite of the lack of rain). i have no interest in doing anything at all (except rant here in this blog) and i just let the hours go by. it's weird how "killing time" can mean just letting it pass.

i'd like to kill time in more ways than one, though. if i had my way, i'd make time stop. or rather, i'd control time... deprive it of its freedom... master it so that i can go back to the past, or move ahead to the future. i'd like to be able to relive wonderful moments. i would try to understand the more painful ones. i'd go to the future to see how i'd turn out in a couple of years. i'd go back to the past and see how the present would change if i'd chosen other paths.

if i could master time, i would not have to worry about deadlines. if i had the power to control the hours, i could slow down the wonderful moments and speed up the painful ones. if time obeyed my laws, i need not worry about making mistakes. i could simply "rewind" to the time i committed an error, then correct my mistake. if time were subject to me, i would be immortal..
=============================================

the desire to be as gods. i guess this is built into each and every one of us. the desire for power.. to control.. to be perfect.. to be immortal.

perhaps this is the reason why we mere mortals are not allowed to master time. and i suppose it's just as well. 'cause i think i would make an exremely dangerous goddess indeed..

remember

i was reading a special friend's blog today and came across this beautiful poem. just want to share it with you all...

[thanks, xtine, for placing this in your blog =) it's uncanny how our preferences are so alike =) ]


REMEMBER
-Christina Georgina Rossetti-

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me our future that you planned;
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for awhile
And afterwards remember, do not grieve;
For it the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

cryptography #1

since the past days have been quite turbulent for me (hence all the drama in my blog posts - sorry to my stoic friends hehe), i'm going to take a break from my usual introspection and post something of a different sort here.

like i said, i love puzzles - cryptograms included. so for those of you who have time (and patience) to spare... you might wanna decode the following message:

jqncx &hqj qj my fq#j& c#yp&og#zm mxjjzgx qn &hqj blog q wqll kxxp q& jho#& znd jqmplx. cong#z&ulz&qonj on you# pz&qxncx f#qxnd!

ok so that was easy enough... Ü just thought i'd tease your brains a little hehehehe Ü

puzzles

a friend once told me that i think too much, too quickly. she said it's hard to keep up with my thoughts. she said i should give myself a break.. relax, take it easy and try hard not to think. i would have wanted to tell her that (1) perhaps she just didn't think enough; and (2) how could someone try hard *not* to think?! wouldn't that be some kind of oxymoron? but, being the "polite" friend that i am, i just nodded my head and pretended to agree with her hehe =p

================================================
i don't know why, but i find great pleasure in thinking constantly and putting my "little grey cells" (as hercule poirot would often say) to work. i love puzzles - all kinds of them! from logic problems to crossword puzzles to anagrams to cryptograms, etc. i enjoy reading immensely. i read all sorts of books... but am particularly interested in detective/mystery/spy novels. i prefer those twisted, unpredictable, crazy plots and i make a game of predicting how the story would end.

i once took a series of psych tests (like the ones they give at the student services department) and the counselor told me that i was a logical thinker. sha also said that i was intelligent (hahahaha), a bit obsessed with order and neatness (umm, not exactly her words, i think), introspective (ain't it obvious?!) and an introvert (no comment). bottom line... the counselor said i was a more or less smart girl who likes to be left alone to think and put her life in order. or something like that hehe.

which brings me back to my fascination with puzzles. what is it about them that appeals to me? i'm not really sure, but right now, i see *my* life as one big puzzle. when i try to analyze what's been going on with me, i see a lot of chaos... and that really bugs me and brings me out of my comfort zone. i can't exactly say i'm *fascinated* with my life at the moment. however, i guess if i look at it with my "puzzle eyes", in time i'll see a way to put things back in order. maybe in the midst of all this chaos, there is an interesting pattern... an intricate and beautiful design just waiting to be discovered.

and maybe someday soon, i'll see that my life does have some order. i'm just probably in one of those crazy, twists and turns in my life's story Ü

about love

i was looking through my stuff and found this excerpt from kahlil gibran's THE PROPHET. thought i'd share it with you all...

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
and to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

===============================================
it's strange. lately i've been going through a lot of experiences that move me. not earth-shaking events, really. rather, those quiet but nevertheless significant moments that let you know there's a God watching over you.

it still rained today. rained all day, in fact. but not as hard as yesterday. slowly... but surely... maybe i'll get my glimpse of sunshine Ü

hands

a hand that works
a hand that makes
a hand that values
what it creates

a hand to touch
a hand to hold
a hand to caress
when i grow old

a hand that helps
a hand that leads
a hand that's sensitive
to all my needs

a hand that's comforting
and serves as my guide
a hand that will always
be by my side

my hand has searched
high and low... all around
and i'm glad it's your hand
that i've finally found...

grey

it happened again. i barely slept last night. i tossed and turned in my bed, but sleep eluded me.

morning. i looked out my window to see the sunlight greet me. hmm. maybe i'll feel better today, i thought to myself. maybe i'd have something to smile about... something to cheer me up. maybe i can shake off this mood... think happy, colorful thoughts. maybe the sun can warm my heart and remove this heavy feeling i have inside of me.

but only a couple of minutes passed... and the skies grew dark - a gloomy GREY. and i couldn't help but remember what i said in my previous blog post: it usually rains when i am sad. sure enough, after a short while, big, heavy drops of rain started to fall. this was not the comforting kind of rain i talked about before. it was not the kind of ran that caressed my face. it did not speak to tell me i was not alone.

instead, it was as if all the turbulence and sadness i felt were mirrored in the weather. the dark, grey clouds reflected the gloom and sorrow i could not shake off. the strong winds howled out the frustration and emptiness i felt. and the rain. the rain cried out the tears i could not shed. starting out with soft, hesitant drops... building up to a torrent that washed away everything in its path... not caring who or what was there... then slowly abating until there is only a tired, uneasy silence.

it rained all day. the sun was hidden somewhere in the grey skies. everything was cold and damp. there were no happy, colorful thoughts in my mind. there were no comforting words to hear. joy and peace, like sleep, eluded me.

and yet... a few lines of melody kept me company throughout the day. unbidden and pervasive as my gloom... words i could not shake off:

"i'll never know how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross..."

"when the oceans rise and thunders roar, i will soar with you above the storm
father you are king over the flood... i will be still and know you are god..."

the rain may not have brought me comfort nor peace today. but these few lines of verse were enough to give me strength to get by.

will it rain tomorrow? perhaps it will. it does not matter so much to me anymore, i guess. be it my ran-friend or my storm-mirror that comes to greet me tomorrow, i know there will be a melody to keep me company... to help me get through the day.

RAIN

"rain rain go away... come again another day... 'coz little children want to play..."

haha. yeah right. i never could relate to that children's chant. not even when i was a kid. i love ran. i love the pitter-patter of the water on the ground. i love the blue-grey color of the skies when they pour out the heavy drops. i love the cool, cleansing feeling of the rain as it falls on my head. ahh yes... i just love the rainy seasons... Ü

=================================================
a lot of people hate the rain because they say it makes everything look gloomy. the skies are dark, it's cold and the streets are filled with muddy puddles. some people even get depressed when it rains. they say the clouds look ominous... the thunder and lightning are frightening... and the world feels like it's crying copious tears.now, i wont' argue with people who hate the ran. hey, to each his own, right? but if others feel sad *because* it rains, i on the other hand feel that most of the time, it rains because i am sad.

back in my elementary/high school days, i usually spent my time wandering about the campus by myself. i enjoyed the solitude... the quiet time alone with my thoughts. sometimes happy memories would come to mind. at times, funny incidents. but there are times when my mind would wander and think of sad, lonely thoughts... and i'd start feeling blue.

and then... most of the time... rain would fall from the sky. not too hard that i would be drenched. not too soft that it would not be noticed. just the gentle rain that softly caresses my face... as if to say, "i know how you feel... i'm here for you". and it didn't really matter if the clouds were dark and the wind was cold. somehow, the thought that the rain was there... it brought me comfort.
=================================================

call me weird... but i've always felt there's a unique kind of beauty in melancholy. a bittersweet kind of beauty. like when you're impatiently counting the days 'til you see your beloved again. or when you give birth to your own offspring. or when you slowly learn to give your child wings to fly on his own.

there is joy in sadness. there is a ray of sunlight in the rain. and the sun's ray becomes even more beautiful because of the glistening raindrops that mirror its light Ü

NO REGRETS

"life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you're gonna get." - forrest gump

that quote speaks to me right now. for the past week, my life's been like a roller coaster ride. lots of highs and lows... fast-paced... nerve-racking... crazy... heart-pounding... makes me wanna scream. it's weird but it seems like an entire lifetime has zipped by me in only a couple of days.

===========================================
in one of my recent posts, i ranted about one of the saddest experiences i've ever had in my life. fortunately, though, things are a-ok now between honey and me (hehehehe) so i'm a lot saner now than i was then (too bad i'm not as creative, though - negative emotions seem to bring out the poet in me hehehe).

our "cool-off" period (which thankfully lasted only a few days) was the first major heart-wrenching experience i've had in a loooong time. which doesn't really mean that i have not had other similarly memorable episodes in my life. it's just that those happened to me so long ago that i've forgotten how much pain i could endure...

come to think of it, once in a while it is enlightening to be reminded of the hurtful moments we've gone through in life. if there is one thing i've learned, *all* our experiences teach us something about ourselves, about other people, about relationships, about building character, about God... about LIFE.

i am no masochist. if i had my way, i would not want to experience all the pain, suffering and uncertainty that i have gone through these past days. BUT... i know that all these things happen for a reason. triumphant moments are there for encouragement. sweet, romantic moments help to bring you closer to one another. joyful moments bring happy memories. but relationships are deepened when you are able to go through tough, trying times. commitment and devotion are strengthened when they are tried and tested. and love is purified when it is no longer blind... when you can look at each other, see the faults and failures... and still accept one another unconditionally.
===========================================

in the midst of life's uncertainties... with all of the joys, tears, sorrows, dreams, hurts and fears mixed in with one another... there's always this prayer in my heart. that i may be able to live life the way i was meant to. and that i may be able to keep on saying that i have lived life with no regrets...