Sunday, July 31, 2005

ambivalence

to laugh...
to cry...
to keep in touch...
to be silent...
to love...
to be vulnerable...
to remember...
to forget...
to keep trying...
to give up...
to hope...
to risk getting hurt...
to hold on...
to let go...


Sabogheart

when words just are not enough...
when there's too much pain for tears...
when waking hours fade too quickly into restless sleep...


nothing's left but the slow steady sound
of a heart struggling to beat
to the rhythm of love
until
slowly it fades
and there's nothing
but silence

40 kinds of sadness

"i feel forty kinds of sadness when you're gone..." so goes a song i heard over the radio. at the time, i couldn't understand what that meant. now i know a hundred kinds of sadness at the least...

...the sadness you feel when you miss someone... the kind of sorrow brought about by disappointment and guilt... the unsettling feeling you get when you remember bittersweet memories... the pain of unrequited love... the grief you experience when you lose a loved one... the helplessness you feel when you know you have no choice but to let go...

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back in my high school days, i was a loner. i had very few close friends. i kept to myself. i preferred roaming around the campus with my thick pocketbooks for company. i prided myself on being able to eat lunch alone. i did not need others. oh, i enjoyed my friends' company, naturally. but i could survive without talking to anyone for a whole day.

12 years later and i find myself at a loss. feeling a hundred kinds of sadness 'coz i'm alone. it never used to bother me so. i've always been content being with myself. i enjoyed solitude. i loved those quiet, peaceful moments alone in my room. but now... everything's different. everything's so confusing...

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0015050114071552_tni still enjoy being alone. i think i'm still happy being with myself. i still like solitude. i still like to be alone in my room. only this time... a part of myself is missing. i'm not *wholly* alone. there's only a part of me that's left. the other half isn't with me anymore... i gave it away 4 years ago.

funny thing, though... i don't want to get back my missing half... not if it means it will return to me without him.. :'(

Monday, July 11, 2005

burn

Mrfirecreation4every mind needs a spark. every heart needs a flame. and every soul needs to burn.

i'm not really a "fire" person. i prefer mountain tops to beaches. i love rain, not sunny days. and hot, humid weather causes my nose to get all clogged up. no, i definitely am not a fire person.

but these past few days, i've been thinking more and more about it - not in the literal sense, though. i've been thinking about fire in the context of my life. all of a sudden, i find myself fascinated with it. and though fire means a lot of things to a lot of people, these are my present thoughts on the subject:

every mind needs a spark

we all need creativity. the most intelligent minds would be rendered useless without that creative genius. it is this spark of brilliance and innovation that turns theories into wondrous inventions, paintings into true works of art, and dreams into reality. it is their unique way of thinking that makes the einsteins, michaelangelos, mozarts and fermats of the world shine. the creative spark can help turn ordinary men into extraordinary ones.

every heart needs a flame

each person holds something dear to his heart. it could be a lover. it could be a friend. it could be his family. or even a pet cat. whatever it may be, there is always something special contained in a person's heart. something that moves him. the thought of which could warm him on cold, lonely nights.. or motivate him to change for the better.. or urge him to fight for what is right. that something serves as the flame that powers a person to do that which is most important to him. it is the necessary fuel that drives a man to do great (or terrible) things in his life.

every soul needs to burn

souls are meant to burn. not in hell, no (though i suppose a number of souls would eventually go there). but each soul is supposed to be on fire.. with purpose, with conviction, with passion. life is not something we are meant to just zip through. it is not supposed to be easy, either. life is the furnace through which every soul must pass in order to be cleansed and purified. it is the way by which the soul finds the means of being set ablaze.

great saints have proven the trueness of their faith by demonstrating the fire in their souls. a definite sense of purpose.. unwavering conviction.. passion for God's work.. regardless of circumstances. a life cannot be fully lived unless the soul has been set on fire.

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i have never really been a fire person. my mind may not have experienced a lot of sparks. the flames in my heart may not burn so strongly. and my soul is not exactly ablaze with as much Godly passion as i would like it to be. but there is now this growing realization that i do need fire in my life. maybe someday, i will become a fire person after all..